Me my annoying brother and stuck up boyfriend, who hated germs but put up with them just to make me happy, was in a corridor at a sperm bank.

"So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved it will, however, if it's observed after it's left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits." Sheldon started.

"Agreed, what's your point?" I asked.

"There's no point, I just think it's a good idea for a tee-shirt." Sheldon responded.

"I mean if it looked pretty cool I would wear it." I answered looking at my boyfriend of five years Sheldon he just nodded and giggled.

"Excuse me?" Leonard asked.

"Hang on." The receptionist answered him.

"One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is... move your finger... phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince. Haiti." I answered looking at her cross word.

"Can I help you?" The receptionist asked.

"Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?" Leo asked (A/N Leo is Leonard's nickname from Alex.)

"If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here." The receptionist answered.

"I think this is the place." I answered looking at Leo.

"Fill these out." The receptionist answered giving us the clipboards I sat mine down after she gave it me.

"Thank-you. We'll be right back." Leo said.

"Oh, take your time. I'll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait." She carried on looking at me funny. The boys sit either side and begin to fill in forms.

"Leonard Alex, I don't think I can do this." Sheldon spoke up looking at us.

"What, are you kidding? You're a semi-pro." Leo answered nodding towards me.

"No well yes. We are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers." Sheldon continued.

"Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment." I answered looking at Sheldon.

"I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there's some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve." Sheldon decided to answer.

"I'm sure she'll still love him." Leo answered looking at us.

"We wouldn't." I answered for me and Sheldon knowing his answer.

"Well, what do you want to do?" Leo asked.

"We want to leave." I answered looking at Leo.

"Okay." He answered.

"What's the protocol for leaving?" Sheldon asked.

"I don't know, I've never reneged on a proffer of sperm before." Me and Leo answered.

"Let's try just walking out." Sheldon spoke up.

"Okay." I answered looking at him. Me Sheldon and Leo got up to the door.

"Bye." The women at the desk spoke up.

"Bye-bye" Me and Sheldon responded I looked at her.

"See you." Leo carried on. The stairs of the apartment building were something I was never used to no matter how many times we walked up them.

"Are you still mad about the sperm bank?" I asked Leo because he was a bit moody for some reason.

"No." He answered.

"You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?" Sheldon asked.

"I do Sheldon." I answered.

"Not really." Leo answered.

"If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip." Sheldon carried on. 

"This is why I hate these things." I responded looking at Sheldon. 

"I don't care. Two millimetres? That doesn't seem right." Leo carried on.

"No, it's true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle." Sheldon answered.

"Is that why they sent you to boarding school?" I asked.

"No, that was the result of my work with lasers." Sheldon answered I just laughed.

"I was sent to boarding school with I was ten because I did an experiment with guns" I answered.

"I remember that I was lonely for a whole two years." Leo answered.

"New neighbour?" I asked pointing at the house.

"Evidently." Sheldon answered my question hugging me slightly from behind.

"Significant improvement over the old neighbour." Leo answered looking at her. I just looked at him like he was insane.

"Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is." I answered for Sheldon.

"Oh, hi!" The new person spoke up.

"Hi." Leo carried on.

"Hi." I carried on.

"Hi." Leo answered.

"Hi." Sheldon carried on.

"Hi?" The new girl questioned,

"We don't mean to interrupt, we live across the hall." Leo answered.

"Oh, that's nice." She carried on. 

"Oh... uh... no... we don't live together... um... we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms. Them two shear since being... together... I'm just her annoying twin." Leonard carried on.

"Oh, okay, well, guess I'm your new neighbour, Penny." Penny answered.

"Leonard, Sheldon, Alex." Leo introduced us to Penny.

"Hi." Penny carried on.

"Hi." Leo carried on.

"Hi." Sheldon carried on after Leo I looked at Sheldon to shut up.

"Hi." Penny said. I knew she was confused to why I seemed close to Sheldon.

"Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building." Leo carried on.

"Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime." Penny spoke after being welcome by Leo who was already in love with her.

"Oh, great." Leo spoke up.

"Great." Penny carried on.

"Great." I answered for Sheldon.

"Great. Well, bye." Sheldon spoke up.

"Bye." Penny spoke up.

"Bye." Me and Sheldon answered.

"Bye." Leo spoke up. We walked into the apartment.

"Well that was strange not what I wanted to happen today maybe the boys had a better day." I spoke up. Sheldon agreed with me.

"Should we have invited her for lunch?" Leo asked.

"No. We're going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica." I answered knowing both me and Sheldon wanted to watch it with commentary.

"We already watched the Season Two DVDs." Leo carried on.

"Not with commentary." Sheldon spoke up.

"I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome." Leo spoke up.

"We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over." I carried on.

"Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle." He carried on.

"We have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace and me and Alex have 300 on our joint." Sheldon carried on.

"Yes, and you've never met one of them." Leo answered.

"That's the beauty of it." I answered.

"I'm going to invite her over. We'll have a nice meal and chat." Leo carried on.

"Chat? We don't chat. At least not offline." Sheldon spoke up.

"Well it's not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response." Leo tried to convince us.

"To what end?" I asked. Leo walked out to meet Penny again.

"Hi. Again." Leo spoke up again

"Hi." Penny carried on.

"Hi." Sheldon carried on I just sat in front of the door with a comic book.

"Hi." Leo ended up saying again.

"Hi." I spoke from behind a comic.

"Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about." Leo started.

"Leo, I'm a expert here and I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements." I spoke up while getting up to stand next to Sheldon.

"Oh, you're inviting me over to eat?" Penny asked.

"Uh, yes." Leo answered.

"Oh, that's so nice, I'd love to." She accepted the invite.

"Great." Leo carried on.

"So, what do you guys do for fun around here?" Penny asked.

"Well, today we tried masturbating for money." Sheldon spoke up. Mine Sheldon's and Leonard's apartment wasn't a good looking apartment for someone like her but it suited us..

"Okay, well, make yourself at home." Leo answered looking at Penny.

"Okay, thankyou." She answered looking around.

"You're very welcome." Leo carried on. I knew he liked her from the way he was acting around her.

"This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?" Penny asked Leo pointing at mine and Sheldon's work.

"Actually that's mine and Alex's work." Sheldon answered pointing between us.

"Wow." Penny exclaimed. 

"Yeah, well, it's just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke, it's a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation." I explained.

"So you're like, one of those, beautiful mind genius people." Penny asked.

"Yeah." I answered.

"This is really impressive." Penny spoke to me and Sheldon.

"I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board." Leo answered trying to impress her.

"Holy smokes." Penny exclaimed again.

"If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure." I spoke up Leo just looked at me like I was crazy. 

"What?" Leo asked. I just watched from my desk.

"Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below "here I sit broken hearted?"" Sheldon carried on.

"At least I didn't have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.

"We didn't invent them, they're there." Sheldon answered.

"In what universe?" Leo asked.

"In all of them, that is the point." I spoke up.

"Uh, do you guys mind if I start?" Penny asked sitting down.

"Um, Penny, that's where I sit." Sheldon spoke up.

"So, sit next to me." Penny spoke up.

"No, I sit next to Sheldon." I spoke up.

"You also sit on Sheldon when someone's took your spot." Leo spoke up. I slapped him on the head.

"What's the difference?" Penny asked.

"What's the difference?" I exclaimed.

"Here we go." Leo carried on.

"In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I've made my point." I answered.

"Do you want me to move?" Penny asked. I just sat in my spot next to Penny reading a differnt comic.

"Well." Sheldon moaned again Leo looked at me I knew what he was thinking about.

"Just sit somewhere else." Leo yelled at Sheldon I just got up to get a new comic from my side of the bookcase. 

"Fine." Sheldon exclaimed. Sheldon wanders in circles, looking lost. I just laughed at his stupidest. 

"Sheldon, sit!" I exclaimed and dragged Sheldon down on the other side of the sofa. 

"Aaah!" Sheldon complained.

"Well this is nice. We don't have a lot of company over." Leo started trying to make conversation.

"That's not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time." I answered not looking up from the Iron-man comic I was reading.

"Yes I now, but..." Leo tried to explain.

"Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning." I carried on.

"Yes, I remember." Leo said remembering the time we did that.

"I resent you saying we don't have company." I answered Leo.

"I'm sorry." Leo carried on. 

"That is an antisocial implication." I carried on making Sheldon giggle.

"I said I'm sorry." Leo exclaimed. 

"So, Klingon boggle?" Penny asked. 

"Yeah, it's like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That's probably enough about us, tell us about you." Leo answered.

"Um, me, okay, I'm Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know." Penny started saying stuff about herself.

"Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality." I spoke up remembering what Sheldon told me about star signs.  

"Participate in the what?" She asked.

"I think what Alex's trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess." Leo tried to explain I just shook my head.

"Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign. Okay, let's see, what else, oh, I'm a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak." Penny carried on.

"That's interesting. Leonard can't process corn." I answered looking at Leo.

"Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?" Leo asked.

"Oh, yeah, I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory." Penny answered.

"Oh, okay. I love cheesecake." Leo answered trying to impress Penny I looked at him funny.

"You're lactose intolerant. Like I can't eat cheese." I answered looking at him.

"I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea." He tried to explain.

"Oh, anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory." Penny carried on explaining.  

"So it's based on your life?" I asked confused for once.

"No, I'm from Omaha." She answered.

"Well, if that was a movie I would go see it." Leo carried on still trying to impress her,

"I know, right? Okay, let's see, what else? Um, that's about it. That's the story of Penny." Penny finally stopped talking.

"Well it sounds wonderful." Leo carried on.

"It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk." Penny carried on. Fuck does this women have an off button.

"(mouths) What's happening." Sheldon asked me while mouthing to me.

"(mouths back): I don't know." I answered. 

"Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that's like as long as High School." Penny complained.

"It took you four years to get through High School?" Me and Sheldon asked I was 10 when I started collage.  

"Don't." Leo shut us.

"I just, I can't believe I trusted him." Penny carried on.

"Should I say something? I feel like I should say something." Leo spoke to us I just shrugged at him.

"You? No, you'll only make it worse." I answered looking him up and down.

"You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?" Penny asked.

"Yes." I answered.

"No, it's not crazy it's, uh, uh, it's a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn't make it worse." Leo tried talking to her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess, and on top of everything else I'm all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn't even work." She carried on. I just turned to Sheldon and groaned.

"Our shower works." Leo spoke up.

"Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?" Penny asked.

"Yes." I answered

"No." Leo carried on.

"No?" I questioned looking at Sheldon like saying Leo was crazy.

"No." Leo carried on.

"No." I answered

"It's right down the hall." Leo guided. 

"Thanks. You guys are really sweet." Penny said before walking off.

"Well this is an interesting development." I started as Sheldon took his seat back.

"How so?" Leo asked.

"It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment other than Alex since she lives here." Sheldon carried on.

"That's not true, remember at Thanksgiving mine and Alex's grandmother with Alzheimer's had that episode." Leo carried on.

"Point taken. It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn't want to rip our eyes out." I answered.

"The worst part was watching her carve that turkey." Leo started OMG it was.

"So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?" I asked.

"Excuse me?" Leo asked confused.

"That woman in there's not going to have sex with you. Besides who would want to with you." I answered

"Well I'm not trying to have sex with her. Like Sheldon wants to with you." Leo answered 

"Oh, good. Then you won't be disappointed." Sheldon answered not hearing what Leo had said.

"What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me, I'm a male and she's a female?" Leo asked.

"Yes, but not of the same species." I answered. I got up to get a drink.

"I'm not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I'm just trying to be a good neighbour." Leo carried on.

"Oh, of course." I answered. 

"That's not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn't participate. However briefly." Leo carried on.

"Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?" I asked.

"It's Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalker's the conditioner." Leo answered getting the door showing two excited boys by the name Howard and Raj.

"Wait till you see this." Howard started after Leo opened the door. 

"It's fantastic. Unbelievable." Raj say from behind Howard.

"See what?" I asked. Raj has trouble with talking to women but I am the only one he can talk to.

"It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974." Howard answered.

"This is not a good time." Leo started trying.

"It's before he became a creepy computer voice." Howard carried on.

"That's great, you guys have to go." Leo tried again

"Why?" Raj asked before sitting next to me on the sofa to read a Thor comic with me. I knew Sheldon was jealous since I wasn't reading with him and I was sat close to Raj I just laughed and explained to Raj over text.

"It's just not a good time." Leo tried again for a third time..

"Leonard has a lady over." Sheldon carried on. I was just sat on the sofa next to Raj reading a Thor comic with him.

"Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town?" Howard asked me and Leo.

"No. And she's not a lady, she's just a new neighbour." Leo carried on.

"Hang on, there really is a lady here?" Howard asked.

"Uh-huh." Leo answered proudly.

"And you want us out because you're anticipating coitus? Just like your sister since she has coitus at least once a week." Howard speaks up bringing up my sex life with Sheldon.

"I'm not anticipating coitus. And ewwww at least my sister has a partner." Leo spoke.

"So she's available for coitus?" Howard asks.

"Can we please stop saying coitus?" Leo asked.

"Technically that would be coitus interruptus." Sheldon said to me and Raj making me laugh.

"Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower. Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!" Penny said running in.

"Enchante Madamoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs." Howard said introducing himself.

"Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory." Penny introduced herself.

"Come on, I'll show you the trick with the shower." Leo said. 

"Bon douche." Howard said.

"I'm sorry?" Penny asked.

"It's French for good shower. It's a sentiment he can express in six languages." I explained.

"Save it for your blogs, Alex and Howard." Leo said before walking off.

"See-ka-tong-guay-jow." Howard said before Penny left.

"(to Raj): So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the University?" Penny asked Raj. Raj looks at her, looks back at his food, takes a mouthful.

"Uh, I'm sorry, do you speak English?" Penny carried on.

"Oh, he speaks English, he just can't speak to women. Only me." I explained.

"Really, why?" Penny asked.

"He's kind of a nerd. Juice box?" Howard answered.

"This is one of my favourite places to kick back after a quest, they have a great house ale." Howard explained a game to Penny I have played four times and still beating the boys.

"Wow, cool tiger." I answered sarcastically knowing my pet was better.

"Yeah, I've had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest." Howard explained to Penny. 

"Uh, sounds interesting." She answered having no interest in the game whatsoever. 

"So you'll think about it?" He asked.

"Oh, I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it." Penny replied.

"Smooth." Raj whispered

"We're home." Leo yelled.

"Oh, my God, what happened?" I asked worried about my brother and boyfriend.

"Well, Penny's ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory." Leo tried to explain.

"I'm so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn't be such an ass." Penny panicked.

"No, it was a valid hypothesis." Leo tried to convince her he was okay I could tell that he was lying.

"That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?" Sheldon asked I just started laughing.

"Really, thank you so much for going and trying you're, uh, you're so terrific. Why don't you put some clothes on, I'll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?" Penny asked I just looked at Sheldon like she was the mental one.

"Really? Great." Leo answered her. I just hit him on the head.

"Thank you. You're not done with her, are you?" I asked.

"Our babies will be smart and beautiful." He answered I just rolled my eyes.

"Not to mention imaginary. And not to mention she don't like you." I answered. All six was in Leonard's and Alex's car Sheldon went with Alex with Leo on the phone.

"Is Thai food okay with you Penny?" Leo asked making sure his fake girlfriend was okay.

"Sure." Penny answered Leo.

"We can't have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch." Me and Sheldon answered.

"So?" Penny asked.

"They're both curry based cuisines." I answered trying to explain.

"So?" She asked again.

"They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we're going to have to spell out everything for this girl." I carried on.

"Any ideas Raj?" Penny tried to ask Raj. He just looks at her with a worried expression.

"Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke." Howard responded trying to guide us.

"That sounds like fun." Penny answered sarcastically. 

"(sings): Baby, baby don't get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don't get hooked on me." Howard tries to sing.

"I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable Mack Daddy." Sheldon answered.