✎ t//w: mentions of suicide

the night is chilly at schwarzenberg park, crickets singing their lullaby & stars twinkling like glitter in the sky. underneath the vast beauty of nature, two insignificant human beings lay on the wet grass, the cold dewdrops seeping through and drenching their clothes ─ none of it seemed to bother ella and heeseung, though.

"doesn't it scare you?" she asks him after a few beats of silence, catching his attention. "hmm?"

"the fact that one day, you'll just... die. isn't it scary?" she rolls her head, the grass crunching under its weight, and she looks at him, her eyes holding all sorts of emotions.

heeseung hums, eyes fixed on the sky above them. "not really... i always felt like everyone around me wanted me dead, so i never really cared about it ─ it wouldn't make any difference if i was or wasn't there." he shrugs. "even now, thinking about the possibility of being hit by a truck or not waking up at all... it doesn't scare me."

"we're all meant to die." he adds, his fingertips abusing the little sprout he spotted next to his hip. "so why would i be scared of the inevitable?"

"you're right." she nods. "but i can't really help it. i have panic attacks & don't sleep for days whenever i think about death. i once locked myself in the bathroom for a good ten minutes, hyperventilating while trying not to wake up my parents."

heeseung purses his lips and nods, a sympathetic glint in his eyes. "sounds tough."

"it is..." she agrees. "i wish i had your views on death. it'd make living way easier, you know?" she chuckles and shifts so that she's laying on her side, her head laying on her folded arm.

"what is it exactly that scares you?"

he doesn't look at her when he asks, but ella knows that she's got his full attention. her teeth nibble painfully hard on her bottom lip, making the skin there turn redder. "i can't quite put my finger on it, but there is a handful of reasons."

he hums, letting her know that he is listening. "dying means that i won't ever get to do the things i love; i won't be able to drink caramel macchiato or read my favorite books or go for long walks when it's cloudy and humid or watch the sun rise from my window. i won't get to bake cookies & eat them or go to the cinema with my friends or do skincare while enjoying a warm bath. i'll be yet another body buried six feet under with worms feasting on my flesh like it's a five star meal."

a soft laugh bubbles up heeseung's throat, making her lips stretch in a smile. "but i also won't be able to see the people i love again ─ i can't stand the thought that one day, my parents won't be alive anymore. i will wake up and go downstairs and my mom won't be standing before the kitchen window while drinking her tea & my dad won't be dozing off in his chair when he's supposed to be getting ready for work... the thought alone makes me sick to my stomach!"

"and you know what's the worst?"

"mhm?"

"that you'll be gone & life will still go on. for everyone around you, for your loved ones or the strangers, you're yet another human who met their fate. it just doesn't sit right with me!"

he laughs, his hands that lay on his stomach gripping on his sweatshirt. "how does it not sit right with you?" he asks between faint chuckles. "it's normal!"

"i know it is, but... it doesn't feel okay. when everyone's moving, you're just staying still. but you don't see or feel or hear or eat or drink. can you really imagine yourself going a day without eating club sandwiches? atrocious!"

"god ella!" his head falls back with a loud laugh, body vibrating as he tries to keep it quiet. "that brain of yours is going to be the death of me."

"that's not good, i can't have you die on me." she scoots closer to him and supports herself on her elbow, her gaze fixed on his pretty smile & the lines around it, his glinting eyes and his blushing cheeks ─ he's a sight to see.

his laughter eventually dies down. he lets out a heavy sigh, hands still on his stomach as he stares up at the stars, while ella stargazes through his eyes, where the little dots reflect impossibly brighter.

"you know." he trails, spotting a tiny fluffball on his sleeve and flicking it away. "there were times when i'd wish to die."

ella blinks repeatedly, blinking away her awe ─ was she just staring at him? "i─i hope it's a thing of the past." she stutters for absolutely no reason & it only manages to further intensify her embarrassment.

at his silence, she feels her heart drop to the pit of her stomach. "heeseung..."

he lifts his gaze and just stares at her, lips pushed out in his natural pout ─ which urges her to grip onto the grass for dear life, keeping herself back from kissing them.

she sighs and brings a hand up to cup his cheek. her thumb brushes the skin in slow strokes and heeseung lets out a hum as he leans against her touch.

"i'm sorry." his voice breaks with guilt.

"don't be." hers breaks with sadness.

"it's been hard." his eyes clench, but no tears come out. "do you know why i took this gap year?"

she shakes her head and he gathers every ounce of courage within him to speak. "the day my results came out, i was the only one who wasn't happy or felt the need to celebrate ─ to me, it was like i'd just been arrested & was sentenced for life. guilt was eating me up because i couldn't bring myself to share everyone else's happiness."

"i'd just finished high school & was so mentally drained from my finals, that the thought of having to study triple the amount in less than two months made me nauseous. so i took the year off, which of course came with lots of nagging & scolding from my parents, but they couldn't say much because i am no longer a teen. and that's how i found myself in this position, jumping from train to train and plane to plane, seeing the world and... getting away from the source of my depression."

"for the past year, the urge to commit hasn't been as strong as it used to, but it was still very much there... i was all alone in a continent where i knew no one & no one knew me. the very few times i considered doing something, i had thought of dumping my id and credit cards in a river, so that no one would be able to identify me. this way, i'd die in peace."

a sob escapes her, which she doesn't try to hide.

"i didn't do or try anything, though. don't worry." he assures her, though there's nothing sort of assuring, given the situation. "i was always held back by some sort of greater force. was it a secret will to live? god? the universe telling me that things will get better?" he shrugs. "i'll never know. all i know is that i'm alive right now and i don't want to die anytime soon. i want to give life a second chance and see for myself what's going to happen."

heeseung can swear he hears her sigh a relieved "thank god", her hand that was on his face now gripping onto her shirt. he smiles.

"i'm glad i didn't do anything stupid back then." he says, looking at her. "if i died, i wouldn't have met you. that'd be worse than not attending an arctic monkeys concert before leaving this bloody earth."

"uhh, hello? that's such an honor?" she places a hand right where her heart's located, looking down at him with nothing but pure joy in her eyes. "it'd be a huge bummer if i hadn't met you too. it might sound dumb, but i'm being serious when i say that it's now hard to imagine a life where i haven't met you."

"w─what?" heeseung breathes out a laugh.

"yeah!" she sits up on her butt and adjusts her jeans. "a few hours ago, you told me that, in the future, you will be one of the men that'll help me realize how amazing my husband is & how i should be grateful for him. but, the truth is, i have never met a man who's as pure-hearted as you ─ and i highly doubt i will. if anything, you'll be the guy to help me realize how my husband is a not-so-amazing man. it took you one night in vienna to make my standards skyrocket!"

heeseung's lips part ─ yet nothing comes out. he stares up at the sky, letting her words sink in. slowly, a smile builds up on his face and heat creeps up on his cheeks, to the point that they're probably beet red.

"i'm sorry... you're probably weirded out─"

"don't you dare finish that sentence." he shoots up from his spot, looking at her with eyes blown wide. "this is the most beautiful compliment i've ever received!"

she quirks a brow. "so what happened to being the 'exceptionally better than most guys in my class' compliment by your one true seventh grade love?"

"forget about this bitch!" he exclaims with a flick of his wrist. "no sane man would accept this lame ass comment as a compliment ─ i was no sane man back then."

"you weren't even a man─"

"can i kiss you?"

he doesn't receive a verbal answer. her lips are against his in a matter of milliseconds, hands gripping tightly onto his biceps. his mouth stretches in a wide grin, his own hands caressing her sides as he lifts her up and places her on his lap. as if by instinct, her thighs lock around his and her arms wrap around his shoulders and pull him impossibly closer to her, their chests flash against each other's.

their heartbeats harmonize & their cheeks flash with passion, the once cold night breeze suddenly growing hot & suffocating. the pair however doesn't mind, losing themselves in this passionate moment until they're out of breath and their visions have turned blurry.

the clock's ticking, the minutes flow, but their mouths don't part, not even for a second ─ because even that one second will be a waste of time.