"what did you want to be as an adult when you were younger?"

at the albertina balcony, with nothing  but the moon and the stars, the street lights and the occasional cars as their companions, ella and heeseung enjoy a late night snack and a cold can of ─ surprise surprise! ─ beer; kaiser for ella and fix for heeseung.

she swallows her mouthful of burger and takes a sip from her drink before replying. "i'm currently studying it!" she says in an excited tone, dangling her legs off the marble railing.

"were your parents supportive of it?"

"of course they were. they knew how much i loved learning new languages and communicating with people. they said i would always try and spark a conversation with older people when we'd visit england. they also allowed me to have pen pals ─ helped me a lot with practicing my writing skills."

heeseung nods, leaning further down on the wide surface of the railing and placing his chin on his folded arms. "that must be great."

"talking with native speakers? totally!"

"having supportive parents." he says, staring off at the buildings across the balcony. rooms would light up or go dark, exposing or hiding the events that unfolded behind closed doors.

it doesn't take long for ella to catch onto the meaning behind his words. "you don't want to become a doctor?"

"hell no?" he vigorously shakes his head, hand instinctively snaking its way in his backpack & taking out his packet of cigarettes. he's smoked two since the morning ─ an incredible feat for someone who usually smokes one packet a day. however, he can sense the severity of the conversation from miles away, and he's not quite sure if he'll be able to handle it. the fatigue is also slowly kicking in, making the guy wonder if he'll be able to stay awake till the morning. "i'd rather take over my grandpa's farm than this!"

"ah..." ella trails, looking down at the half-finished burger in her hands ─ suddenly, her appetite is nowhere to be found and the woman doesn't feel like finishing her meal. "and what did you want to be?"

he remains quiet for more than a minute ─ she doesn't say anything & instead lets him take his time. an hour ago, when he had his lips peppering innocent kisses all over her face and his soft giggles echoed off the tiles on the walls, she felt content and joyed. however, any sign of the guy he was in the bathroom has been wiped off his pretty face, a cloud of misery and sorrow now masking his happiness. all she wants to do is blow that cloud away and see him smile till the very last second they spend together ─ and the rest of his life.

heeseung puffs his cheeks and arches his back, hands still supported on the railing. he throws his head back with a sigh, looking at the stars hanging above them like white paint splotches splashed across a vast black canvas.

"remember back in the train, when i told you about the... ideas?"

she nods ─ he had avoided telling her what kind of ideas he'd come up with, though.

he runs a hand through his hair and lets it rest on his nape. he takes a long breath and holds it in for a few beats, letting it go through his nose.

"i wanted to be a writer."

he pushes himself off the railing and claps his hands, turning to look at her with his arms spread wide. "you can laugh now."

he expects to find the woman biting on her lip to stifle her laughter or ─ worse ─ staring blankly at him, her mind overflowing with hundreds of insults to throw his way.

however, what he doesn't expect is the small gasp rolling past her pretty lips & her eyes turning into two little galaxies gathered in her sockets. she claps excitedly, taking the guy aback. "that's really cool!"

"wait─ what?" he shakes his head, his brows pintching together in confusion and mild shock at her reaction. "you... why aren't you laughing? it's not cool at all!"

her clapping comes to an abrupt halt and her smile drops, giving place to a perplexed frown. "of course it's cool." her head slightly tilts to the left. "and why would i laugh?"

he scoffs. "cause i want to... write! to put words together and create crappy, useless pieces of literature and not do something that will be of actual help to our society."

it's now her turn to scoff. "i've seen people do one eighties, but you just surpassed my every expectation."

"no!" he shrieks, then reminds himself that they're out in public at two in the morning and lowers his tone. "that is what dad said. i still love writing with my entire being ─ i breathe it, i live off of it!"

"that's the heeseung i met!" she cheers and raises her can, taking a long sip.

"now that i think about it, it makes so much sense." she says after gulping, placing the can on her side. "you have such a way with words, it's so... how do i put it... captivating?" she snaps her fingers. "yes, captivating. i have never met a man who talks like that. you're very well-spoken, and that's a charm on its own."

his lips stretch in a smile that makes ella's heart beat like crazy ─ it's the sweetest and most genuine thing she has ever seen. "thank you." he dips his head down, placing his hands on the railing and pushing himself up. he situates himself beside ella and lets either leg dangle off each side.

"then why don't you pursue it? you can always publish books or poems under a fake name or something."

he shakes his head. "no."

"but why?"

"it's─" his eyes clench, as if he's in some sort of internal pain. "─it's a little complicated."

"that's what my ex said and, trust me, it wasn't." she taps his shoulder. "you guys just hate confrontation & would rather keep it all in than talk about what's bothering you. go ahead!"

he chuckles softly with a shake of his head ─ how's this woman able to see right through him so easily? not even his close friends are able to read him like this.

"alright." he adjusts himself. "you see, as i told you, i love writing. i thrive on it ─ it makes me feel liberated & like every worry i have within me leaves my body. it's just me & my notebooks, my blue ballpoint pens and my messy mind. i feel like the paper is the only place i can freely show who i truly am without worrying about being judged or laughed at."

"i like doing it on my free time, but it goes as far as that." he breathes out a sigh, rubbing a hand on his throbbing forehead. "i don't think i could ever do it professionally."

she hums. "and why's that?"

"because─" he bites on his bottom lip, sucking air through gritted teeth. "─i don't think i can share my works for everyone to see. it's... intimidating ─ terrifying even! what if people don't like it? what if they think of it as yet another piece of crap?"

"well, it's normal for people to either love or hate something. romance isn't everyone's cup of tea, nor is murder mystery or psychological thrillers or dystopian settings. tastes differ. and, if it makes you feel any better─" her voice drops as she leans closer to him to whisper: "─i once read a door erotica."

heeseung is flabbergasted, to say the least. "the heck you mean?"

"a door erotica." she shrugs, a cheeky smile on her face. "a human banging a door... as in having sex with it."

heeseung's mind unintentionally gets plagued by lewd images of what she'd just said, a shiver ringing through his body. "ew! ew!... ew!" he shudders in disgust, glaring at the one across from him. "people are unhinged!"

"that's the title!"

"are you fucking with me right now?"

"absolutely not!" she exclaims loudly between guffaws, slapping her hands on her thighs. "my point is, you can write something as absurd as that & there'll still be people who will like it. there's something for everyone."

"you liked the door erotica?"

"he turned into a sexy feminist lad, how was i supposed to ignore that?"

"ella, you're crazy!"

"heeseung! you're missing the point! it's okay if people dislike your work, because it's all based on preference. some will love the living heck out of it and will create fanclubs or even write fanfiction about the characters. some will hate it so much, they'll create ten accounts on good reads just to leave the same petty review over & over. what matters is that you're doing the thing you love the most in the world and you're happy. one day, probably three or four years after publishing your book, you'll find someone who's obsessed with it & they'll tell you that it changed their life. believe me, there is no greater satisfaction than that."

as the scenario plays out in his head, heeseung can't contain his smile. it is, however, short-lived, as another little prick gets stuck in his troubled mind, adding to the anxiety he's feeling.

"there's also something else."

"speak your mind, shakespeare."

he chuckles while fiddling with the hem of his sweatshirt. "when i write, i feel almost invincible ─ it's like i hold this... power in my hands that allows me to tell extraordinary stories that most people can't even dream up. i take a word or a sentence and form art."

"that's definitely a great way to think about it."

"but there are also times where i feel like what i'm doing is a waste of time. i might be writing something and tell myself that it's one of the best things i have ever written. next thing i know, i'm having a whole ass panic attack & three mental breakdowns cause what the fuck am i exactly doing? why am i letting time pass me like that and do stuff that don't matter?"

"hey! that's not true!"

"it is, ella." he lifts his gaze to meet hers, eyes glossy with tears. "i could be well spending that time studying and doing research."

"but heeseung, you can't spend every living second of your life like that. it'd be depressing as fuck!" she says. "just imagine waking up in the morning & spending the next sixteen hours you are awake working, then go back to sleep for eight hours & wake up to do the exact same thing! you need free time to do things that satisfy you as a person and not society and its sick expectations."

he purses his lips, nodding slightly. it however seems like ella has more to say, as she takes a short sip from her now warm beer and wipes her hand over her lips after some of it spilled down her chin due to her urgency to continue.

"don't kill the joy you've every right to experience. let it consume you! you're only alive as 'heeseung' once ─ you've goals and ambitions that you have in this lifetime & this is your only chance to fulfill every single one of them. you have hobbies that you might hate in your next life, so why not enjoy them while you can? why deprive heeseung of the need to live a great life?"

"why do you kill yourself?"

heeseung doesn't realize when it's started to rain. he jolts in shock and brings his hands up to his face to wipe away the warm droplets that trickle down his flushed cheeks; he frowns when he finds out that this is the only part of his body that's wet.

he's crying.

"god." he mumbles under his breath, shoving his face in his palms & taking a deep breath. in a few hours, ella has seen the sides of him that his family & friends haven't seen all those years ─ he's not sure if he should be ashamed or just let it be. he's never felt this safe to express himself in someone else's presence.

ella watches him break down before her and awkwardness strikes her like a tidal wave. what is she supposed to do? usually, when her friends are sad, she'll pull them close to her and hug them tightly, letting them know that she is there for them, that somebody out there cares for them. she doesn't know heeseung well enough to be touchy with him, though. the kiss was the most intimate they've been, but a kiss is... a kiss. it can mean the world, but also absolutely nothing; so does a hug, someone might say, but to ella, a hug is her way to show how much she loves and treasures someone. if there was an intimacy scale and she was asked to build it from scratch based on her own views, kissing would be at the bottom and hugging would most probably be placed somewhere in the middle.

so what should she do? when it comes to comforting someone, it's like all the words she has learned throughout her life leave her body ─ she can speak so many languages, only to be rendered speechless when someone's in need of affection.

what should she do?

what the heck should she do?

of course, she'll do what she's best at.

first it's her left arm that lifts itself in a hesitant manner. she places it on his shoulder, her touch barely felt by the sobbing male, as she's holding herself back. she eventually lets herself calm down and put more pressure. next it's her right hand. it snakes around his neck and meets her left hand, fingers intertwining on his nape.

he says nothing, so she proceeds with her action. she pulls him close to her & lets his head rest on her chest, her body tensing up at the contact.

in a matter of seconds, he warms up to the hug and nuzzles closer to her warmth, momentarily forgetting the fact that the two have barely known each other for half a day. his arms wrap themselves around her waist and his head presses harder against her chest, a sob-like cry escaping him. her hands instinctively tangle with his soft locks, soothingly massaging his scalp.

the minutes flow like running water and the city is asleep, but heeseung's heart is in pain and ella's is beating faster than it's ever done, keeping the two wide awake.