Warning: The following one-shot contains thoughts about suicide, self harm, death and lots of self hatred and body image issues.

//Troye// Sixteen years old.

"Pleaseeeee, Troye!" My best friend Tyler begged me, tugging on the sleeve of my sweater.

"No. I don't wanna go." I grumbled, pulling my arm away from his grip.

"But I really want you there.." His voice faltered and his smile dimmed. It made me feel bad. I didn't mean to make him sad.. He should know by now that my social anxiety always puts blocks in the road for me. Plus his friends all hate me. They never even speak to me, all they ever do is give me a uninterested once over. Except for this one time I caught Alfie scowling at me. But then again it may've just been my anxiety deceiving me. I'm not quite sure, to be honest.

"All of your friends hate me, Ty! I'm not wanted around them." I turn away from him, trying to keep tears from escaping my pained eyes. I can't cry. I can't show Tyler how weak and stupid I'am.

"They don't hate you, Troye. You just never make an effort to talk to them."

"Well that's because they hate me and I'm shy and anxious as hell." I grumbled, glaring at a blank spot on the wall in front of me.

"I'll introduce you to them. They're always asking me why you never speak." Tyler shot me an encouraging smile, trying to put me at ease.

It didn't work. I still feel like a fucking live-wire.

"I do talk.." I crossed my arms in front of my chest, glaring angrily at the wall in front of me to keep my tears in. It worked. At least for the time being.

"Yeah, but only to me. You see them at school everyday, it's time that you have a proper conversation with them." Tyler placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly as he looked at the wall with me.

"What do you see, Troye?" He spoke softly, trying not to upset me.

"A distraction." I mumbled numbly.

"Mm, so are you coming with me or not?"

"Only if you sit across from me. I don't want any of your friends in my line of sight, it makes me anxious.." I explained, picking at my fingernails.

"Deal."

~

"This is Troye, he's really shy so don't take it personally if he doesn't talk much." Tyler introduced me to his small group of friends.

Everyone kinda just mumbled a quick 'hey' to me then went back to their conversations. It made me want to curl up in a ditch and die. They hate me. Every last one of them. I knew coming here was a bad idea.

The waiter seated us. I sat across from Tyler, and Zoe sat beside him. I glanced to my left, seeing Alfie sitting there. He looked kinda bored, and a bit on edge. Out of all of Tyler's friends, Alfie probably hates me the most. I bet he was forced or bribed to sit next to me. That just makes me even more uncomfortable.

"I love your shirt, Trey." Zoe piped up, smiling at me. She must be being sarcastic, she didn't even bother to use the correct name. I looked down, narrowing my eyes at my polka dotted blue sweater. I should've known that I couldn't pull it off.

"It- it's T-Troye..." I'm not even sure that she heard me.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" She leaned over the table, her hand cupping her ear.

"My.. Uh, my name is its uh, my name i-is Troye.." I swallowed, pulling at the collar of my sweater to cool down my sweaty chest. It's fucking hot as hell in here. I must be blushing like some sort of lobster freak.

"What?" She smiled, a confused look on her face.

I dismissed her with the wave of a hand, shaking my head. "Never mind." I stared down at my lap, trying not to cry.

"Troye, you need to speak up so that people can hear you." Tyler reached a hand across the table, placing it atop mine.

Suddenly, my throat went dry and my lips trembled. He makes me so nervous. Especially when he touches me in public. Why would he even want to touch me? I'm ugly and anorexic as hell. He must be staring at the ugly birthmark under my eye. It's so ugly. Oh fuck. Stop staring. Please, Ty. Please.

"I want to leave.." I mumbled to myself. "Everybody hates me. They all fucking hate me." Everyone around the table gave me a strange look before they all stopped looking at me and went back to their conversations.
I looked around me, seeing Marcus and Connor talking. They look to be having fun.. not giving a care about ugly ole me. I suck. I deserve to fucking die. I should kill myself. I'm such a horrible fucking person. No wonder everybody hates me so much.

"I-I need to uh, b-bathroom.." I breathed out, scooting my seat back with a loud screech.

"Troye, where are you g-" I left the table before Tyler could finish his sentence.

I threw open the bathroom door, angrily staring at my reflection in the mirror above the sinks. Why am I alive?

Nobody likes me.

I'm the most hated person in the entire school.

I'm never gonna graduate.

I'm fat and ugly, but at the same time I'm as thin as a rail.

Tyler doesn't reciprocate the same feelings that I have for him.

My parents don't know what's wrong with me.

Sage, Tyde and Steele probably wouldn't notice if I were to drop dead.

I don't deserve this life.

I don't deserve to be breathing.

I want to end it all.

I wish I could just slit my wrists open right here, right now.

But I can't.

I'm in a restaurant bathroom.

I can't die here.

Maybe I'll get lucky and pass by a nice deep lake on my way home.

Unless Tyler's there with me.. But maybe I can sneak away from him to drown myself.

I quickly get tired of looking at my ugly face, so I open the stall door to a toilet. I close the lid and sit down. I just sit there crying and wiping at my eyes and nose for around five minutes, until I go even lower. The lowest I've ever gone before. I started begging for god to just take me. To kill me. To give a mysterious death in a public bathroom.

I had my head in my hands, eyes clenched shut. There's someone in the stall next to mine. I should be more quite. It'd be embarrassing if they heard me.

Please, god just take me. Take me. Please, kill me. just fucking kill me. I want to die. Please, please, please. God, if you're out there and you're watching me, please take me up to heaven or wherever I belong. Turn me into dust, or an angel. I don't care as long as I'am dead. Take me. Take me. Take me. Take me now. Please, god... Jesus. Please.

A loud sob racked my body and I clasped a hand over my mouth. I grabbed some more toilet paper, wiping my splotchy face with it. I then threw it in the toilet and flushed it. I waited until I looked less horrible to exit the bathroom stall. Tyler was waiting by the sinks for me. I ignored him, washing my hands.

"Why're you crying?" He said, eyes boring a hole in the side of my head. I wanted to tell him to stop, but instead I found myself attempting to speak my mind.

"They all hate me." I glared at my reflection in the mirror above the sink. My eyes look all red and ugly. Fuck. Tyler will hate me. If doesn't already.

He turned me to face him, determination in his eyes. "Troye Sivan Mellet, they do not hate you! And neither do I, so please just let it go."

I glared at a spot on the wall behind him. I often times cover up my hurt with anger. It's one of my worst qualities. I'm sure that others would agree.

"I can't go back out there looking like this, Tyler." I sniffled again, my stomach aching from having not eaten anything since this morning.

"Here," he turned the tap on, getting some water on his fingertips. He then wiped over and under my eyes to make it look less like I've been sobbing for ten minutes straight. "Perfect." Tyler smiled, fanning my face with his hand to dry up the water.

"I'm not perfect in any way shape or form, Ty." I grabbed his hand that had tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, moving it down to rest by his side.

"Shut up." He narrowed his eyes at me, actually looking pretty pissed.

"E-Excuse me?" I took a couple steps backwards.

"You heard me, Troye. I said shut up." I backed up again, scared by how mad he looked. "You keep talking shit about yourself when you look like you were handcrafted by god himself!" Immediately after the words left his mouth he clasped a hand over it, eyes widening.

"I-I meant to say that you have a really cute smile and that you're a really nice guy.." He stuttered, eyes looking side to side.

"I don't.." I mumbled to myself.

"C'mon, Troye, my friends already think that we're dating, if we take any longer they'll think that we're fooling around in here." Tyler slotted his fingers through mine, pulling me towards the door.

"They- they what?.."

"They keep insisting that you're my boyfriend, and they literally won't shut up about it." Tyler breathed out a loud sigh, tugging on my hand again.

"Oh. Interesting."

We left the bathroom, going back to the table to sit down with everyone. Nobody said anything about my tear stained cheeks. I'm both glad about that and sad. Sad because nobody cares enough to ask me whether or not I'm okay.

Guess that's the price you pay for being a scrawny, ugly loser.

Tyler didn't even speak to me for the rest of the dinner. He only glanced up at me every so often. It made me want to scream at the top of my fucking lungs. Instead of doing that, I just barley ate any of my food. I know that my anorexic tendencies are coming back.. and I can't stop it. I'll just let it ruin me again. Nobody will even fucking notice or care, so what's the point in trying to stop it?

There is none.

But at least my suicidal thoughts have subsided. I won't tell Ty about any of this.

Not even if he asks.

~

A/N

I hope you guys enjoyed this sad-ish oneshot.

Bye|Rachel.