(cw: mentions of vomiting, erections, flashing)

Chapter II

"Stop laughing! It isn't funny. I tried to apologize, but I got really tongue tied, and basically said 'Sorry, not sorry,' and made things even worse, if that's possible. I'm doomed!"

"You're right. It's not funny," Adam told Abby. "It's hilarious! And you're not doomed - no one with eyes would think I'm dumping Aimee for you. Besides, all you have to do is leak your mum's number to Ruby and her friends, and they'll start kissing your arse again."

"That's assuming I have her phone number," Abby mumbles, drifting alongside Adam on her skateboard on their way home from school. "Anyway...who's that guy you're partnered with in English?"

Adam shrugs. "I don't know. Otis something. New kid, innit? Or maybe he's been here since first year. He said something like that, but I don't really care."

"Well, did you make plans to get your project done yet? I invited Maeve to come to my house, but I don't think she'll show."

"I'm going round his tonight," Adam announces.

"Oh, that's cool. Be nice, okay? Like, seriously, don't be a jackass for once in your life," Abby implores Adam. He gives her a long look. "Why do you care," he asks.

"Because everywhere I turned today, you acted like an ass today," Abby says, "and seeing as I have to go to school with you now, I may as well make Moordale a better place by trying my best to keep you in check, mate."

"Stick to speaking American, you stupid hot dog," Adam says. "Besides, why do you care about new kid? You fancy him or summink?"

"No," Abby protests. "I fancy the idea of not being friends with a bully. And it's a little late for me to cut you off entirely, so I've got to do my best to work with you." Still, she knows her face is turning red, and she can only hope Adam isn't particularly observant today.

Thankfully, he's in the middle of his afternoon joint, so Abby is let off with a quick side eye, and the false hope that this whole thing has barely registered as a blip on Adam's radar.

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Thankfully, the next day yields no further discussion of Adam's erectile dysfunction, so Abby can only assume he's either found a solution to his problem or at least finally thought better of giving her the details. As they walk into school, she winces as they walk past Otis, already nervous for the poor guy. In fact, when he slams Eric Effiong, the black French horn player from yesterday's assembly into the lockers, she's almost relieved. At least until she hears Adam say, "Watch where you're going, fag."

"Excuse me," Abby bleats. She's not particularly shocked per se, that Adam is being homophobic, but she at least thought he had enough sense not to say something like that in front of her.

Adam turns to her and rolls his eyes. "Ugh, what, No Cups?"

"Apologize right now," Abby demands.

"Or what?"

Abby leans up towards Adam and whispers in his ears.

"Or I start telling people all about how you got my mom to fly you out to L.A. just so you could see a Vanilla Ice concert."

"Excuse me," Eric asks. "Did she just say 'Vanilla Ice'? As in the 'Ice, Ice, Baby' guy?" "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't," Abby says. "Depends on whether or not Adam would like to apologize."

"Sorry," he mutters, like a chastened child, before storming off.

"Sorry about him," Abby says. "He's a tool, but we've known each other since we were four. He has good qualities. He's afraid to show them to anyone but they're there."

"Are you sure about that," Eric asks.

"No, but he puts up with me, so he has to be all right," she says. "Anyway, I'm Abby Hammond. You're Eric Effiong, right? From the morning assembly?"

"Oh, great," he says sarcastically. "You saw that."

"I'm Otis Milburn," Otis puts in, holding out his hand. Abby stares at it blankly, caught off guard.

"I'm Abby Hammond," she says. "Which is a thing I said already." Fuck, why do his eyes have to be prettier up close? How is that possible?

She realizes his hand is still there and immediately hands him her fist. "Fist bump," she squeaks, punching his palm.

A few lockers down, she overhears Adam snort derisively. Oh, great, she thinks. I'll definitely be hearing about this later.

The bell rings, and Abby audibly sighs in relief. "Um, it's been nice meeting you guys, but, uh, it's suddenly, like, really, really hot in this hallway, and the class for the bell rang – I mean, the bell for class, so, uh, I should go. Bye!" She sprints off to her locker, mentally cursing herself out for the complete lack of smoothness she managed to conduct that social interaction with.

En route to her first class, Abby begins to feel a churning feeling in her stomach, and diverts her path to the girls' restrooms. She slams her way into the first stall and immediately becomes violently ill, which is how she knows things are particularly bad. Boys have always made her nervous, but the only other time she's been sick to her stomach was when she had a crush on Rod Goldfarb in the fourth grade, which had taken her four years and two out-and-out rejections to get over. The worst part was the first day. After that, her GI tract calmed down, but nothing else did. "You will not do this with Otis," she whispers to herself. "You will stick to book boyfriends until college. You have no chance. You cannot even speak to boys. Be reasonable!"

With that, she exits the stall, splashes some water on her face, and then chews a bit of gum from her purse. After all, even if she isn't going to have a crush on Otis, she'd rather not have puke breath the next time he speaks to her.

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The only open table in Abby's biology section gives her two options: next to Maeve Wiley or across from her. Seeing as English hasn't exactly yielded the best working relationship, Abby decides that across from Maeve is the best place.

"So, did you get your presentation started," she asks, not feeling particularly charitable.

"Yes, actually," Maeve replies with a shit eating grin. "How about you? Or were you unable to put down your Princess Diaries book? After all, I'm sure it's a real page turner."

"Actually, I've already finished my outline," Abby says. "If you were hoping to compare notes, don't count on it."

"Don't worry, I wasn't," Maeve replies, rolling her eyes.

Abby looks up to see Otis come into the room and her stomach begins to churn again. "Great, it's you," she hears Maeve mutter in his direction, and he responds with, "I get it. You're mean." Abby can't help but laugh. And not a cute little "tee-hee" giggle. No. This is one of those ugly snort-laughs most comparable to the braying of a donkey, which gets the attention of students two rows over.

Blushing, she goes to look down at her desk. "Hi, Abby," Otis whispers. "Hi," she whispers back.

With that, Mr. Hendricks begins speaking, and Abby spins around in her chair, technically in order to actively listen to what's going on in class, but mostly so she can avoid a second stomach upset from staring at Otis for too long.

"Okay," Mr. Hendricks announces, "so what was going to be biology is now going to be an emergency SRE class."

"What's SRE," Abby asks aloud.

"Sex relationship education," Otis explains, and she feels her blush intensifying. Oh, great. Sex ed, a subject she hasn't thought about since seventh grade, at the same lab table as her brand new crush who gives her stomach enough butterflies to make her nauseous? What exactly did she do in a past life to deserve this?

Neither Otis nor Abby, of course, notices how amused Maeve looks at how much they're both blushing and avoiding looking each other in the eyes.

Soon after the worksheets, prophylactics, and plastic cock and balls are handed out, Abby stares at the fake dick nervously. "Oh, wow," she says. "Um...we never had stuff like this at my old school. I mean, we, uh, we had cucumbers." She turns to her partner. "Any help?"

The boy next to her shook his head. "So, in America," he asks, "did you coat the condoms with your mouth? Maybe you should try that."

Abby shoves the prosthesis at him. "You put on the condom," she says. "I'll fill out the worksheet." She hunches over the worksheet and starts filling out the spaces, angrily thinking to herself about how what an absolute pig she's sat next to. See, she tells herself. Boys are awful. Otis is just as awful as the rest and you really have no reason to crush on...

"That's not the hymen," she overhears him tell Maeve.

"I think I know where the hymen is, but thanks."

"Okay, well, I mean, you're...quite wrong...They are the paraurethral glands."

Oh, great, Abby thinks. A teenage boy who actually understands the vagina? Well, technically, anyway. This is probably related to what Adam was saying about his mom. This does not bode well for not being attracted to him. Stop listening! Stop listening! Mayday, Abby Hammond!

That's when her phone, as well as the phone of everyone else in the class starts vibrating. Abby picks it up and opens a video of a redheaded woman stroking off a cucumber with the caption "Otis Milburns mum is a vegetable fucker."

Adam!

Abby looks on, horrified, as the rest of the class laughs and one kid hooks up his phone to the TV in the front of the room. She sees Otis go pale when he realizes what everyone's laughing at, and she watches as he grabs his things, gets up and runs out.

"Can you go and see if he's alright," Mr. Hendricks asks Maeve, but before she gets up, Abby takes off. Maeve follows behind and stops her halfway down the hall.

"I've got this under control, Barbie," Maeve tells Abby. "Go back to class."

"Yeah, considering you're not exactly the most sensitive person I've met here, I have my doubts," Abby shoots back, continuing her march down the hall.

"Well, at least I'm not doing this for brownie points, okay," Maeve says.

"Last time I checked, you don't tell me what to do," Abby replies. "Looks like we're both going." She stops and pauses for a second. "Now, where do people go in this school when shit's gone wrong?"

"Asbestos bathrooms," Maeve says. "But..."

"Great. Let's go."

Sure enough, after a walk in silence that felt more like thirty minutes than three, Maeve and Abby find Otis in the outdoor area by the asbestos bathrooms attempting to take a puff from his inhaler.

Maeve holds out a cigarette and offers Otis a puff, which earns her a glare from Abby. "So was that really your mum," Maeve asks and Otis nods. "Could've been a lot worse. She could've been stroking an actual penis."

Abby winces at the same time Otis laughs slightly. "Oh, God. Yeah, I think I'm gonna just die now."

"Don't worry," Abby says. "I'll kill Adam first."

"I-you don't have to do that," Otis says. "He's your friend, right?"

"And how exactly does that preclude me from murdering him?"

Maeve nods at this. "I say let her do it. It's a good offer."

"Besides, you guys don't have the death penalty, right? I think it would really rub my dad if I did prison time," Abby notes. "That's been on his bucket list forever."

At this, Otis laughs again, and even Maeve cracks a smile.

As Abby feels herself internally celebrating having made Otis laugh, a loud "GAAAAHHHHH!" is heard from inside the asbestos bathrooms. After exchanging a look, the three teenagers go inside and follow the whimpering noises.

Otis nudges open a stall door to reveal Adam, sat with a disturbingly large and veiny erection. Adam, Maeve, and Otis scream, while Abby yells, "Hey, fuckhead! Put it away, you piece of shit! Do you want to explain yourself?" Then she visually grasps the scope of the situation and says, "Actually...what the fuck is wrong with your dick?"

"Get out," he yells.

"Don't mind if I do," Abby says. "I'll be sending you my therapy bills."

"No, wait, stay," he cries out. "Help me."

Abby sighs. As angry (and skeeved out) as she is, she can't walk away from Adam when he's this desperate. It reminds her too much of when things would go wrong when they were kids. "Fine," she says, facing away from him. "But...how?"

"Not you, No Cups," he says dismissively. "New kid."

Otis gives him a miffed look. "I know it was you who sent that video around," he points out.

"So?"

"So I'm not going to help you!"

"Honestly, you're lucky I don't give you a reason to give me a new nickname," Abby rants, turning back around. "You know how you call Maeve 'Cockbiter'? After the little stunt you pulled, I'm about to take that mutant dick of yours and earn myself the nickname Pepper Grinder."

"You wouldn't do that, Abby," Adam says.

"Maybe," Abby says. "Maybe not. Don't test me."

Adam, seeing that reasoning with Abby is already beyond him, turns back to Otis. "Please, new kid," he begs. "It feels...like it's going to explode. And not in a good way."

"Well, that's not my problem," Otis says, turning to go.

"No! Please! Don't go!"

"Maybe we should get the nurse," Maeve says, looking slightly nervous. "What if he dies or something?"

"Dies," Adam and Abby squeak in unison.

"We have to get the nurse," Abby says. "Or call 911."

"First of all, it's 999, you stupid hamburger," Adam grunts. "And nobody else can know about this."

"A-dumb," Abby says. "You could literally die. And if it's not at my hands, it's not how you're going out, buddy."

Otis sighs and steps forward. "Adam," he asks. "What did you take?"

"Viagra."

"How much Viagra?"

Adam hesitates, and instead looks down at his inflamed crotch with worry. Abby nudges him. "How much, Adam," she asks. "If you can't tell them, you'll tell me, right?" He shakes his head and Abby looks up at Otis and Maeve desperately.

"Think of this as being four walls of trust," Otis says to Adam. "Anything you say, there's no judgement."

"Three Viagras."

"Jesus Christ," Maeve hisses, and Abby groans. "A-dumb!"

"You said there'd be no judgement," Adam whines.

"Sorry," Maeve mutters under her breath, as Abby crosses herself.

"Is three Viagras bad," Adam goes on. "Their reactions made it seem like it was bad. I feel lightheaded and I taste scampi."

And that's Nan's scampi ruined forever, Abby thinks. Still, she wonders if she should have called for help by now.

"No wonder, you could besiege a castle with that thing," Maeve quips.

"I said, stop staring at it," Adam begs, closing the stall door.

"Sorry! It's like a third leg," Maeve points out, trying not to laugh.

After a few moments, both girls look at Otis. "Now what?" Maeve asks.

"We wait."

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"How's it looking," Otis asks after about fifteen minutes.

"Still large," Adam says. "Still angry."

Abby sighs. "Fucking idjit," she mutters to herself. "Acts like a shithead, embarrassing people, and then scaring the wits out of me."

"Where'd you even get the Viagra from," Maeve asks.

"None of your business."

"Please tell me it wasn't your dad," Abby says, wrinkling her nose at the thought of the Groffs having sex. She would really rather not think about the sex life of anyone in the Groff family, frankly.

"I didn't," Adam mutters, and everyone else breathes a sigh of relief.

"Why did you take it," Otis asks, and Abby almost tells him, but decides Adam's already been through enough...for now.

"I don't know," he lies. "Heard it gives you a good buzz. Maybe you should try it sometime instead of being such a joy fucker."

Perhaps he has not had enough.

"He's having dick problems," Maeve says before Abby spills the beans.

"How'd you know," Abby asks.

"Aimee said he can't come," Maeve says. "How'd you know?"

"He had a temper tantrum via text message," Abby explains. "Feel free to have a look." She pulls up her texts with Adam and hands Maeve her phone. As soon as she starts reading it, she cracks up.

"That was private, No Cups," Adam shouts.

"So was the video of Otis' mother you shared with the school," Abby says. "Besides, the cat's already out of the bag."

With that, Adam goes quiet again, before saying, "It's too much pressure."

"What is," Otis asks.

"Everyone knows I've got a giant penis," Adam says.

"So...you wanted to make it bigger," Otis asks.

"No," Adam says. "I just wanted it to get hard."

"Well, why do you think it couldn't?"

"I don't know. I just...I can't stop thinking about stuff while we're shagging. What if I'm doing it wrong? What if she's knows I'm doing it wrong? What if my dad walks in while I'm about to blow my load and sees my jizz face?"

Again, as much as it's information Abby never wanted to know about Adam, she's glad she's hearing this. She thought people stopped being afraid once they got a milestone done with for the first time. It's somehow both scary and reassuring to know she's wrong.

"Well," Otis says. "It sounds like you're experiencing some performance anxiety. Perhaps the mythology surrounding the size of your penis doesn't help things. It is interesting you mention your father. How does being the headmaster's son affect you?"

At this point, Abby is listening to every word said. It doesn't occur to her to be nervous about being around Otis, or angry at Adam, or even to look away. She's too busy being amazed at how kind and intuitive Otis is being towards Adam, even though he doesn't necessarily deserve it.

"Well, it's shit, basically," Adam says. "Everyone says, 'Oh, look, there goes the headmaster's son. He's got a massive elephant cock.' I have feelings."

"Do people really say that about you," Abby asks. "Because you could have talked to me about it." She stops herself and turns to Otis. "I'm sorry for interrupting, but I mean, he knows I can relate to being judged by my parents and inches. You know, because I'm five nine. I don't have a penis, obviously. Not that I'm transphobic. Just, you know, reminding Adam that I'm here for him, of course. And now I'm shutting up."

"Abby has a point," Otis says. "I'm only a third party to your relationship, but in spite of the constant verbal hostility between you two, you seem to have a friendship based on some level of trust." Oh, dear, Abby thinks. Otis thinks I'm a crazy bitch. And he's right, but now we'll never get married and have illicit honeymoon sex on one of the rides at Disneyland Paris! Wait, stop thinking about sex with Otis before he realizes that's what you're doing!

"Are you alright, Abby," Maeve whispers to her as Otis continues to give Adam advice. "You look greenish."

"I'm fine," Abby says. "Just...peachy keen."

Maeve raises her eyebrows. "You know," she says. "I heard about you spitting lemonade at Ruby Matthews'. What happened? You guys couldn't agree on which Sideman was the cutest?"

"Uh, obviously, it's Harry," Abby says. "And no. She just went in on me about how I was supposedly in love with Adam, and I didn't take kindly to being told I looked like something Kate Moss threw up."

"Huh," Maeve says. "You know, Abby, you're strange. Sometimes you're all Hugh Grant in Notting Hill, and others you're like Faith from Buffy. Is that an American thing?"

"No, I've just perfected two different ways at being bad with people," Abby explains. "I'm gifted."

"You're not the worst," Maeve says.

"It's going down," Adam announces, and Abby breathes a sigh of relief.

As they leave the asbestos bathrooms, Adam turns around. "Uh, you guys won't tell anyone about this, right? You said that thing about the four walls of trust."

"I won't tell," Abby says. "But I think Otis and Maeve can decide how they feel after your behavior today, Adam."

Otis nods. "We won't tell," he says. "If you leave my friend Eric alone."

"Tromboner?"

"It's your choice."

"Fine."

"Ahem," Abby coughs. "Isn't there anything else?"

"What, No Cups?"

"You owe Otis an apology," Maeve points out.

Adam sighs and says, "Sorry for sending the video around, but your mum...really got in my head, new kid. She's like some kind of...sexy witch."

With that, Adam turns to go and Abby clears her throat again. "You owe Maeve an apology too, dickhead." Maeve's eyes widen and she elbows Abby. "No, he doesn't," she says. "He does," Abby says. "He literally introduced you to me as 'Cockbiter.' I should have said something at the time." "Fine," Adam groans, "sorry, Maeve."

He pivots and storms off, while Abby turns to Maeve and Otis. "Thanks for helping him," Abby says. "You really didn't have to. Especially you, Otis. You were amazing." Without hesitating, Abby steps forward and gives Otis a big hug. Somewhat surprised, he gingerly reciprocates. Mmm, Abby thinks. He's warm, and he smells like green Skittles and aftershave and...oh, fuck you, stomach.

"I gotta go," Abby blurts out, and runs right back to the asbestos bathrooms.

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As they leave school, Adam is of course in a foul mood. Due to his misinterpretation of Otis' advice, he's been dumped by Aimee, severely punished by the school, and has only narrowly avoided being forced to register as a sex offender. Only one piece of news has brought him cheer.

"You missed my dick display because a little huggy wuggy from Otis made you pukey wukey," Adam teases, delighted to hear that Abby is also suffering.

"You're enjoying this too much," Abby mutters.

"You're like Stan from South Park," Adam goes on. "Gross! This is fucking gold!"

Just then, Abby and Adam see Otis riding off into the distance on his bike, alongside Eric. "Look," Adam yells. "There's the boy that you like," he sings loudly. "Now more than ever, he gives you butterflies!" At the point, Otis looks back, and so does Eric. "HE MAKES YOUR STOMACH QUEASY – "

At that point, Abby swiftly karate chops Adam's chest, and he starts laughing so hard he can't finish teasing her. A perfect end to such a hot mess of a day.