Chapter XXXVIII

Abby No Cups-

Mountview sucks. I really am dumb. You know how you said I just had to find my thing I'm good at, and how I might end up being a badass soldier? Not gonna happen ever. I can't even hold a stupid rifle right. At least at school, if I didn't raise my hand, I couldn't give a dumb answer and no one would laught at me, but at Mountview, the majors see everything and everyone else does, so I look a right mug. Hope things are going okay for you. Nice of you to keep writing even though you have better friends now. If new kid's hurt you though I'll figure out this rifle thing real quick

- Adam

Training starts at 0700 every morning, a time Adam once spent tucked in bed dreaming about fast cars, faster women, and, he may as well admit, dudes as well. Now he stands outside with his fellow cadets failing at rifle drills as everyone else snickers. Meanwhile, Abby is off with all her brainy, nice, creative and cool friends who won't ever end up being massive losers like him. And this morning, he doesn't even have a chance at getting things right because the stupid fucking rifle's broken.

Of course, when he tries to tell Morris that, the general tells him, "We don't deal with excuses in this establishment, Groff. Keep practicing and try asking some of your peers to help you."

"I don't need help, sir," he protests.

What I need, Adam thinks, is for it to be last summer again. When I was still friends with Kyle and had buds to smoke with every day, and when I needed to get away from those knobs, there was always Aimee with a good blowjob, or even better, Abby, the one person on Earth who doesn't expect anything from me. And yeah, she's a big fucking loser who made me watch the S Club movie, but in a way, her calling me 'A-dumb' doesn't even hurt, because I know she doesn't actually think I'm dumb.

"We all need help sometimes," Morris says. He goes back to barking out parade march orders, as Adam tries to keep a neutral face.

🎬🎬🎬🎬🎬

Dear A-dumb,

God, I fucking miss you, and you're an idiot for thinking otherwise. Yeah, I have new friends, and a boyfriend. But none of those things are like having a best friend. Eric and Otis are best friends, and so are Aimee and Maeve, and sometimes I feel like a massive fifth wheel. And even though you'd never hang out with all of us, I didn't feel that way when you were still here. I'm sorry Mountview isn't your thing, but there's a whole world of hobbies and skills out there, Adam, and I know you have one that will really change things for you. All of the other scrubs in that place had better only be laughing at you, because I bought a shake weight, and if need be, I will raid campus and kick some asses (or at least make some deeply cutting sarcastic comments). But, yeah, I'm gonna say it again: you're the best friend I ever had, and I'd have to be the best stupidest hamburger in the universe.

Love,

Abby

P.S. I feel weird asking you this, but I'm desperate (and you CANNOT go all Tarzan on Otis). I'm kinda having an...impotence issue. We aren't having intercourse, but I can't get off to fingers. Not even my own. What advice do you have?

It's the truth. She hasn't been dwelling on it, but with Adam AWOL, that crucial 'unconditional bud' relationship has been noticeably absent. The great people she met over the last term put a Band-Aid on the wound, but it still aches a bit, like a flu shot. She misses telling Adam everything, and seeing as he never held back much on his sex life, her question feels reasonable. Like some warped form of bonding. Even if Adam calls TMI, at least she can say she's keeping him updated. Abby thinks about how many times she censored herself with Adam last term, and as a newborn enlightened nouveau riche dweeb, she's telling him everything. He needs to hear about her dysfunction after telling her about the whole rifle thing. Man, that merlot Nan poured her a glass of has her thinking and feeling good. Way better than the "aged" Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers Adam and her had that one time.

🎬🎬🎬🎬🎬

Abby -

At least you have friends. I've got nobody at Mountview. Yeah, some other caddets helped me practice rifle drills, but that's just 'cos if I kept fucking up, we mighta lost canteen shop privileges, and Luke can't go forty minutes without wine gums. As for your finger problem...you've just got to own your narrative like New Kid said, yeah? It's like SpongeBob said: "I'm ugly and I'm proud!" Except fill in whatever your problem is. Besides being ugly, I mean. Anyway, if that doesn't work, just have sex. I bet you've already gone down on each other, so you may as well. Or do anal, like Charity used to when she was born again for a few weeks. Man, I'm good at this. New Kid's got competition. If anyone has this problem, this should be his official advice. Except for the part about Charity being Catholic again for that month 'cos that's her biggest secret.

- Adam

Somehow, Adam doesn't feel as compelled to have sex with Charity anymore. Over e-mail and text, she's gotten less flirty and more...real. Less like a sexy cartoon character and more like a person. A person Adam liked, but he knew he didn't fancy her like he once fancied Aimee, or how he now fancied Eric. God, now he has two stark-raving-mad girls for friends. He realized that when he found himself in two separate iMessage threads about everything wrong with The Fault in Our Stars.

At least Charity's pussy is in order. God, even in the bedroom, No-Cups is still a freaking disaster. Adam could only hope his message might make her get her shit together, since he can't imagine New Kid as the kind of stud who could help her, sex witch mum or not. It is comforting to see Abby floundering a bit, though. It makes talking to her about not being great at anything okay. Only girls pay attention, care about your life, and share stuff about themselves that way. Living in a female world would be much better, in his humble opinion. Except for when girl drama happens. Women having nuclear codes would be very bad. Maybe it's not about gender, it's just that people suck.

At least Luke and Eli are cool. They even have a wicked sativa stash on campus, and it feels like they just might understand Adam. Smoking with them isn't like smoking with Kyle, which consisted of no conversation, just smoking and watching Family Guy compilations on YouTube. It's sort of healing, even if it seems like they all exaggerate some things. Maybe this is what making friends feels like. I mean, sure, there's Abby, but he doesn't remember making friends with her. According to Nan, he was playing his favorite childhood game, "Car Crash", when Abby sat down with him, and after begging for some toy cars of her own, she added in the crucial elements of "Traffic Jam" and "Road Rage" and they went from being wary of each other to getting on like a house on fire.

God, he's missed Abby. She'd be worse than he is at drills, but better at harboring any contraband. Hell, she might even find a way to keep her phone...no, she'd probably be content with books. No-Tits could be a fucking weirdo like that.

🎬🎬🎬🎬🎬

Dear Adam,

See, I miss the "I'm ugly and I'm proud" days. Now Kyle and that kid Conor fancy me, and then there's the whole boyfriend thing. I'm in love with one guy but two absolute sex pests keep floating around like flies on shit. I mean, when I say I'm the shit, I don't mean it for it to become almost literal. I may be joining you in being a military student somewhere if they don't get their acts together. But, whatever, I guess it's fine. Have you read A Separate Peace yet? I figured you might be getting desperate now. Anyway, I think the finger thing might be on its way to being okay. At least when I do it. Also? I kinda get why you push heads down when you get blowjobs. All I'm gonna say on that.

Wish you were here (so you could kick Kyle's ass),

Abby

Again, an egregious overshare, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Like the fact the best analogy for Otis' relationship to the vagina are that his fingers are essentially a fish out of water, and, based on the capabilities of his mouth, are probably going to stay that way. Things in that regard basically went off without a hitch the second time (the "first" involved a significant amount of time on both their parts deciding which width apart Abby's legs should be in order not to possibly induce claustrophobia, a fear Otis isn't positive he doesn't have). Well, without a hitch, with the exception of Otis attempting to cover Abby's mouth so his mom wouldn't hear her and clumsily mashing her entire face with his hand. But they've basically begun a second honeymoon period, which makes the fact that Conor and Kyle keep bothering her even more annoying. The worst part is that she knows they're all talk, that they don't mean any harm, and honestly, maybe it's her. She isn't used to getting this kind of attention, where dickheads say stupid shit but don't actually try anything with her. Her only frame of reference for harassment is when creeps at her old school would try to kiss her as a joke, assuming that her unpopularity with the opposite sex would make her grateful. And Conor and Kyle aren't trying anything, and she doesn't feel scared, so, really, is it worth telling Adam? Maybe that part is an overshare too.

🎬🎬🎬🎬🎬

Abby -

Tell me what the fuck they're doing. I got kicked out of Mountview. I come home tomorrow. So I can sort them out. No problem.

- Adam

Fucking No-Tits. It's bad enough he couldn't even hack it at a school for losers like him. But, no, now that stupid fucking girl had to go and get herself into trouble, which never would have even happened if he hadn't fucked up and got kicked out of school in the first place.

And obviously, the idea of Luke and Eli being real friends was a moment of weakness. Something Adam only ever thought about because he's so fucking dumb. He can't believe they framed him. How angry his dad is going be. How disappointed. Well, not really. It's not like anyone really expects any better of him.

Worst part is, he could have kept Luke and Eli's stupid gay secret. Could have told them about Eric. They really did understand all each other and those two will never know. He'll never be able to talk about it again. It's not the sort of thing he talk about with Abby in person. No, he'll just have to rope that part of himself off, like he's done with so many other pieces of his brain before.

So really, Adam is grateful about Conor and Kyle talking shit. He may as well go back to pounding people's faces in. It's all he's good for.