DUMB CHARACTERS:

The 8th story in the Harry Potter saga (pardon my vomit if it gets a little... splashy...) introduced fans to a few new characters, as well as bringing some into the limelight that apparently didn't get enough attention in the books. I'm going to discuss three of them.

Panju

In the alternate universes, Cedric lost the first task and Hermione went with Ron to the Yule Ball. This meant that Ron and Padma ended up getting married in the future. I'll get to why this is beyond stupid later, but let's just touch on their offspring, Panju, cousin to Albus. I don't need to say much, do I? Nah, I trust you guys to hear when I lmao.

Panju.

All right, Jo. All right.

Theodore Nott

In case you need a reminder, Nott was a "weedy-looking" Slytherin who was first introduced in Order of the Phoenix, when Draco was discussing how their fathers were Death Eaters. The next time we heard that name was in the Department of Mysteries after the shelves of prophecies had collapsed. Referring to the boy's father, Lucius Malfoy said, "Leave Nott, leave him, I say - his injuries will be nothing to the Dark Lord compared to losing that prophecy."

Instance number three came an entire book later, when students were discussing Slughorn's club, and how Theodore Nott didn't get an invitation. We see Nott "sniggering" and "whispering" with Draco in Potions a few chapters later, and then, lastly, a vague reference to Nott's father in a Pensieve memory from Dumbledore.

That's it. For the whole series.

So, Theodore Nott was mentioned like... three times. He definitely belongs in the play, I agree. Why would the writers, in a story that completely leaves out MAJOR characters from the books, choose to have SO MUCH of the plot revolve around one of the least-important background characters ever? Are we really expected to believe that Theodore Nott was the architect of the new Time-Turners? The guy who was rejected from Slug Club as a student was responsible, as an adult, for reinventing a magical device that could take you further back in time than ever before? And could now change history? Mmmmmm mmmm mmmm kay. No.

Craig Barker Jr. (I know it's Bowker.)

So, not only is this name just kind of stupid, but it's too closely acquainted with another junior from the series: Barty Crouch Jr. CB Junior meets BC Junior... Conspiracy!

*quickly draws an Illuminati symbol in the air above laptop*

*stares at it while nodding*

Bowker was such a throwaway character and was introduced merely to be killed off. Which means we have absolutely no connection with him or any reason to feel saddened by his death. The play tries to make up for this by having the Minister of Magic, Hermione Granger-Weasley, mention him in passing during the Grand Meeting at the start of Act Four.

HERMIONE: His name was Craig Bowker. He was a good boy.

Bwahahahaaa!!

Rowling. On. The. Floor.

His name was Craig Bowker. He was a good boy. What is this, a dog funeral? Let us all share a moment of silence for him. Ruff. lol. Is this the epitaph on a dog's headstone or his obituary or something? Here lies Craig Bowker Jr. What a Good boy!!! He always bowked at the mailman. Good boy, Craig. Who's a good boy? Come here, let me scratch your little nosie. You're a good boy! Yes, yes yes. Oh, yes you are. Yes... Now go do my homework. No. No, we're not going to use the Time-Turner to save your life. No. No, we aren't, you little furry boy. Who's a good little furry boy? You are. Yes...

We're laughing.

Hahaha.

We're laughing because it's so pathetic.

Bwahahaa.

POINTLESS DETAILS:

Although I can provide you with a list a mile long of the pointless aspects from Cursed Child, there are only two that feel like they're worth my time.

Off Sugar

HERMIONE: Do you fancy a toffee? Don't tell Ron.

HARRY: You're changing the subject.

HERMIONE: I truly am. Toffee?

HARRY: Can't. We're off sugar at the moment. (Beat.) You know, you can get addicted to that stuff?

Attention everyone: Ginny is enforcing a no-sugar diet. Harry even mentions it to Albus later, as a way of encouraging him to sneak some candy at Honeydukes.

Why? Why is this at all important? WHAT IS THIS DOING IN THE FINALE OF THE HARRY POTTER SAGA? All we can do is just laugh at it and share our frustration in memes. Here's a great one I found. Hopefully, it helps you cope with the suffering.

Pigeons
A few lines away from "and they all lived happily ever after", we got this:

HARRY: You told me you don't think I'm scared of anything, and that - I mean, I'm scared of everything. I mean, I'm afraid of the dark, did you know that?

ALBUS: Harry Potter is afraid of the dark?

HARRY: I don't like small spaces and - I've never told anyone this, but I don't much like - (he hesitates before saying it) pigeons.

ALBUS: You don't like pigeons?

HARRY (he scrunches up his face): Nasty, pecky, dirty things. They give me the creeps.

ALBUS: But pigeons are harmless!

HARRY: I know. But the thing that scares me most, Albus Severus Potter, is being a dad to you.

Aaaaand Harry is scared of pigeons? Did the Harry Potter series just end with... Harry talking about... being afraid of pigeons?

That's the end. Where's the flipping poetry?

But if Harry's so terrified of pigeons, why didn't he run away screaming his freaking head off in this scene from the books?

But the great black dog gave a joyful bark and gamboled around them, snapping at pigeons and chasing its own tail. Harry couldn't help laughing. Sirius had been trapped inside for a very long time. Mrs. Weasley pursed her lips in an almost Aunt Petunia-ish way.

Here's the new sample from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Revised Canon Edition (COMING SOON TO A BOOKSTORE NEAR YOU):

But the great black dog gave a joyful bark and gamboled around them, snapping at pigeons and chasing its own tail. Suddenly, Harry's gaze fogged over. It was widely known that he was deathly afraid of pigeons.

"PIGEONS!" Harry shrieked, tumbling backward into a group of onlookers. "Nasty, pecky, dirty things! Effing kill 'em, Sirius! KILL 'EM!!"

"Did someone say Sirius?"

"Is Sirius Black here?"

Mrs. Weasley pursed her lips in an almost Aunt Petunia-ish way, as they began obliviating everyone outside King's Cross Station.

"Oh, Harry. Your irrational fear of pigeons has almost done us in, yet again."

"Sor-ry..."

Stupid, isn't it? Ugh. I honestly can't even believe this pigeon garbage made it into the final draft. That's it. I'm off to self-obliviate. Before I go, here's another great meme: