Welcome to the last of the ridiculous lack of logic section, brought to you by the only part of M. Clifford's brain that hasn't been completely vanquished by the immeasurable unpleasantness that is HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD. Let us carry on, lest we go bonkers.

Draco's Time-Turner

It's revealed in Act Four that Draco had a time travel device in his possession (with greater powers than any other Time-Turner, of course). He kept it a secret over the rumors about his wife being incapable of having his child, and Scorpius as a potential heir of Lord Voldemort. Which is dumb. But it is what it is. We are meant to believe that Draco would have just kept this tremendously powerful device on a shelf somewhere, knowing full well that time travel could alter the past.

Put aside the fact that, according to OS-Canon, the opposite was established. Logically, you're telling us that Draco Malfoy would not have used his Time-Turner to... oh, I don't know... discover some magical solution to his wife's ailment? Or, heck, maybe to track down Scorpius the first time he went missing? Nah, we'll keep it a secret. For dramatic effect.

Diggory Lives

Right off the bat, the super-duper logical plan the writers present to the audience is that we're going back in time to save Cedric Diggory by making him fail the tasks of the Triwizard Tournament. Why? Well, if he wasn't there to grab the Triwizard Cup / Portkey, Harry would have been transported to face Voldemort alone. Thus, Diggory lives.

Let's begin by establishing something: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child was written for general audiences. This is why we were blessed (cursed?) with an exhausting number of call-backs and reminders of how even the most basic magic worked in the wizarding world. Realizing this to be the case, it should have been explained to the audience why their plan to save Cedric Diggory made sense. Causing him to lose the first task meant that he would be entering the hedge maze later than the champions who had done better in previous tasks. This was never mentioned in the play, leaving theatergoers confused. Just because some people may recall that the champions were allowed to enter the third task based on their point spread doesn't mean everyone remembers that. Explain things care-full-ee! Hell, you've got TWO DANG PLAYS WORTH OF TIME TO DO SO!

(We're not going to yell, today. Okay, Mike? Remember your mantra.)

I have a mantra?

(I assumed you did. You seem the type to need one.)

Whatever. If the counter-argument is that it would take too much time to explain such details, I'd sooner point you to the very concise explanation from the Goblet of Fire:

"Now, the champions who are leading on points will get a head start into the maze." Bagman grinned at Harry and Cedric. "Then Mr. Krum will enter... then Miss Delacour. But you'll all be in with a fighting chance, depending on how well you get past the obstacles. Should be fun, eh?"

That's 52 words, and could easily be trimmed down to 30. By my count, that's at least 948 less words than what they've given to Ludo Bagman in the script, as he repeatedly (and pointlessly) drums up excitement from the crowd with each trip our characters make to the past.

They work off so many assumptions. On one hand, yes, their plan offers them the chance to create alternate universes where bad things have taken place because of accidental miscalculations of the past. But, take a second here and think a few pages deeper. Why would losing the first task, or the second, automatically cause Cedric to lose the third and save his life? Where's the initial logic? I don't understand how that guarantees anything. It just means he has less points after the first task. It also ensures that Krum or Delacour have more points at the end. And what if Krum leading in the spread causes Harry to lose the tournament entirely? This MAKES NO SENSE! NOT TO MENTION THAT IT COMPLETELY OVERWRITES ONE OF HER BOOKS! Their plan to save Diggory is devoid of logic. I don't understand why JKR thought this was a good idea. It makes no sense.

Dumble-portrait

Speaking of ideas that make no sense, how about Harry's interactions with Dumble-portrait?

We assume that the source material for the play had to be the original seven novels written by J.K. Rowling. They're calling it the 8th story. Although they've shown a proclivity toward the films, it's been clearly established across all possible sources of canon that paintings are not living representations of the individuals they are painted to portray (careful for spoilers from Fred and George: Book 1, Little Toilers!). And yet, JKR and Co. allowed Harry to conveniently overlook this fact for the purposes of cramming Dumbledore into the play. If you wanted him in there, give it some meaning. Because the fans who understand the laws of the world feel like you're just ridiculing us at this point.

Example 1:

HARRY: This black cloud, it's someone, isn't it? Not something?

DUMBLEDORE: Ah really, what does my opinion matter anymore? I am paint and memory, Harry, paint and memory. And I never had a son.

HARRY: But I need your advice.

Well, you could start by NOT TALKING TO A PAINTING, POTTER!

Example 2:

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Albus has been checked by the greatest witches and wizards in the country and no one can find or sense a hex or a curse.

HARRY: And Dumbledore - Dumbledore said -

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: What?

HARRY: His portrait. We spoke. He said some things which made sense -

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Dumbledore is dead, Harry. And I've told you before, portraits don't represent even half of their subjects.

HARRY: He said love had blinded me.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: A head teacher's portrait is a memoir. It is supposed to be a support mechanism for the decisions I have to make. But I was advised as I took this job to not mistake the painting for the person. And you would be well-advised to do the same.

HARRY: But he was right. I see it now.

UGHHH!!!! I remember how petulant Harry was in the books, but he was a teenager back then. Why are they making adult Harry such a pathetic dope? I mean, really, should we be surprised that he wouldn't listen to McGonagall in this scene? Harry disrespected her throughout the entire play!

Up To No Good

That reminds me. LOL. I love how McGonagall starts Scene Ten of Act Two suddenly concerned that they shouldn't use the Marauder's Map to track Albus and Scorpius because it's only supposed to be used for mischievous purposes. What? Why should that matter? LMFAO!!!

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL is full of unhappiness, HARRY is full of purpose, GINNY is not sure what she's supposed to be.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: I'm not sure this is what the Marauder's Map was intended for.

Hahahaaa Ginny is not sure what she's supposed to be? Really? You don't say! HAHAHAaaaa. No need to extend the word count, guys. We caught on to that one straight away.

Hairwee have bad Dweamee

I know Harry isn't new to the whole "prophetic dream" thing, and I entertained some of this with George in my fanfic, but these dreams sure do push the limits on what does and does not feel like canon.

Example 1:

Harry now recalls hearing the actual killing curse in Scene One of Act Two. And they almost go full Abracadabra on us. Watch it, Thorne...

YOUNG HARRY: There was a man shouting Adkava Ad-something Acabra - Ad - and the noise of a snake hissing. I could hear my mum scream.

Example 2:

Voices within the dream of Act Two indicate to the audience that Harry's dream is predicting the return of Lord Voldemort. Mmm no. No, he isn't. I'm fairly sure on this point, because I've read this book more times than I actually want to admit and, yep, he still doesn't show up. In fact, Voldemort isn't really a part of this story. So, this is not only pointless, but extremely misleading and a pathetic attempt to keep people interested while faced with so much repetitive baloney.

And then, right from the back of the room, Parseltongue whispers around everyone. He's coming. He's coming. Words said in an unmistakable voice. The voice of VOLDEMORT...

Haaarry Pottttter.

Example 3:

Harry wakes up from a bad dream in the middle of Act Three, having found himself in Godric's Hollow with his aunt. But... wait... Harry is confused! He's never been to Godric's Hollow with Aunt Petunia! What does this mean?! Oh, Voldemort must be here! Are you kidding me with this? Oh, no!! Voldemort was eating a Twinkie in my dream! But I've never seen him eating a Twinkie! And all my teeth fell out! It means something!!!

There are some words spoken in Parseltongue.

He's coming. He's coming. He's coming.

And then a scream. And then, right from the back of the room, whispering around everyone. Words said with an unmistakable voice. The voice of VOLDEMORT...

Haaarry Pottttter.

No... NO, he's STILL not coming. And don't use the evil universe where he never died (*rolls eyes*) as proof that Harry was dreaming of that version for some reason, because that timeline had already been repaired. How were they allowed to keep getting away with this?

(Well, Mike. It's a dream sequence, so you can get away with a lot.)

Yeah, no frickin' duh.

(Keep going.)

Example 4:

Harry is explaining this recent dream to Ginny and... just... read it for yourselves.

HARRY: Voldemort. I saw Voldemort and Albus.

GINNY: And Albus...?

HARRY: He said - Voldemort said - "I smell guilt, there is a stench of guilt upon the air." He was talking to me.

Uhm...Harry (and by Uhm..Harry, I actually mean Uhm...Jack Thorne) Bruh, I hate to be the one to point this out to y'all, but... Voldemort ain't got a nose. Which means he ain't gonna smell guilt or detect no stanky guilt stenches on the air. Oopsie.

WTF!!

I mean, What's This? Fanfiction?