When my eyes peeled open to the daylight, Frazer was gone again. And the hole I had dug myself into last night as I assumed the worst was feeling even deeper, even emptier, even lonelier without him here.

I sat for a few moments, staring at his empty side of used sheets before reaching for my hairbrush and eventually crawling out of the tent.

"About time you got up," Kevin nagged, as if last night had not happened. All the while he finished laying down a freshly washed pan, assumedly from the breakfast they all already had.

Though I was glancing around for Frazer. It was then that I noticed most of the guys had gone and Kevin was shirtless and in his boardshorts.

"We've all headed out to the lake already," Kevin explained.

"Even Frazer?" I croaked, hating how hoarse my voice was sounding.

"Yeah," his cheery tone faltered as he looked at me. Yet if he realised I was beside myself, he didn't say anything. Because instead he said, "You should get changed and come join us."

"Um... maybe in a bit. I think I will chill here for a while."

"Aww, Em. C'mon. We've come all this way. Don't tell me you came just for the popstar?"

"No... it's just I... I'm not really feeling well."

His face softened and he nodded. "Well, take some Panadol or something then come out when you're feeling better, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," I mumbled back before watching him take off.

I stared after Kevin for a few moments, my eyes hovering on the lake as I wondered which figure in the distance was him. Though none glanced back at me as he joined them.

So I turned around and headed back to the tent, heart racing, hands shaking, and on a mission.

The first thing I did was fish through my bag for my phone. Thankfully I had some reception.

After typing in our destination and flicking around on some sites, I concluded if I could get a lift back down the mountain from one of the other travellers, then I could get a bus back home.

With haste, I began shoving my things back into my bag. It wouldn't be much of a load, even if I had to walk part of the way before I got picked up. I hadn't brought much... the rest belonged to the guys and Frazer.

I had almost squeezed everything inside when the zipper behind me protested and light flooded in.

There was a moment of silence as his figure created a shadow over me before he said, "What are you doing?"

My hands shook as I fastened my bag the rest of the way then avoided his stare as I said, "I'm heading home."

"... Why?"

"Because... I don't feel well."

There was another brief pause before he sighed and climbed in with me. "Okay. Let me get my things together." Then he started reaching for his own bag.

"No, it's fine. I can go on my own."

He halted, glancing at me, and I, reluctantly, met his quizzical gaze. "Just how are you going to get back on your own?"

"I'll get a ride with someone heading down. There's buses from Rollingstone to home."

He slumped further into the tent, his bag dropping from his grip. "You're going to hitch a ride? With a stranger?"

"Yeah."

"That's absurd, Em. We can just head back together." He continued to pack his things, so I reached out and snatched the bag from him.

"No... you stay."

"You're unwell."

"I don't want to ruin your trip."

"You think me worrying about you getting picked up by the next Ivan Milat wouldn't ruin the trip?"

The fact that he hadn't led with me not being here would be the deal breaker hit me harder than I thought... but it certainly wasn't unexpected.

"I'll walk," I mumbled, head dropping down as I found my resolve wavering.

"I thought you were unwell."

"I... am."

"Then how are you going to walk, like, 30 kilometres?"

"I... I don't know."

He leaned closer, trying to catch my gaze. "What's going on, Em?"

I turned away from his stare. "I want to go home."

"Then I'll take you home."

I shook my head.

"Why not?"

Regretfully, I gave him, "I don't want to be alone with you."

The pause was palpable. "... Why?"

"I just... I don't."

He hesitated again. "Have I done something wrong?"

"Can we... not do this right now?" I all but pleaded, feeling my chest growing tight again. As my breaths started to shorten, as the world seemed to drain of oxygen, I glanced at the exit.

"Hey," he said softly, clearly seeing the panic overcoming me.

I got to my feet, hating that he was seeing me like this at a time like this.

This is how he will remember me... If I stay, I'll just be that pathetic crybaby... I have to leave.

I started to make my way out of the tent, but his hand caught my wrist. "Please let me go."

"I will once you look at me," he tried tugging me back in.

"Let me go," I wrenched at his hold.

So he released me, hands high in the air like he was showing he was unarmed. "Can you just tell me what's bothering you? You've been off since—"

"Please... I just... can't we do this after your trip?" I begged, no longer trying to flee in fear he'd follow. I didn't want anyone else to see us. Especially in case someone recognised him.

Yet he pushed. "What's the difference between now and—"

Then I finally blurted, "Because I'm not mentally prepared to break up just yet."

"Break up?"

"Please... don't... I don't want to talk about this right—"

"No, Em. We will talk about it. Why on earth are we breaking up?"

I didn't reply.

"Em?"

I still couldn't bring myself to confess.

"Do you not... like me any more?" he asked, like it was the only logical solution. Like it wasn't something he himself was considering.

"I don't think it's my feelings that are the issue in this scenario," I mumbled back, starting to feel the shame creeping in.

"What do you mean?"

Though I shook my head.

"Come here."

When I didn't move from the exit, his arms reached for me once more, this time winding around my body and pulling me into his lap.

And it was in his hold I started to shake.

"Shh," he hushed, pulling my head into his chest. One of his hands stroked my back while the other fiddled with the zip, concealing us from the world so it was just the two of us. "What do you mean by my feelings are the issue?"

I responded by burying into his chest further, unable to confess my worries.

"I adore you, Em. I have no intention to break up with you. So unless you're planning on breaking up with me then—"

"What did you have to tell me then?"

He paused this time.

"Exactly..." I started to pull out of his hold, feeling the burn of the unsaid seething through my core at his silent betrayal.

But his arms only wound around me more tightly.

"Please let me go."

"I thought you'd overheard last night... why didn't you just tell me?"

"If you thought I'd overheard, why didn't you say anything?"

"In case you hadn't."

"So you can drag out the inevitable?"

More silence.

I shoved at him again, trying to leave his grasp.

But he was like a Chinese finger trap, pulling me tighter every time I tried to run.

"Let me go," I mumbled, hating that my voice wavered in its conviction. I wanted to pretend I was strong as he stabbed me in the back with his abandonment.

Though he finally said, "You've misheard."

"Sure."

"You have."

"How?"

"I... I can't tell you like this. Not now. But... we weren't referring to me breaking up with you."

"Then what? I hear you have a tour?" I pushed back again, and this time he let me go. But only so far that we could look at each other. He kept me steadfast in his lap, arms around my frame as he stared at me, determined to make me believe his earnestness.

"I only found out just the other day."

"And the guys know, but I don't?"

"... I wanted advice on whether to go and how to break it to you if I do."

"So is that what you wanted to tell me?"

He shook his head. "That's still... not we were talking about."

My eyes wandered over his face, looking for more deceit. But I didn't trust my ability to read him anymore. "If this is all some big miscommunication, then can't you just tell me the truth?"

"I will. Just not right now."

"Why?"

"Because it's not the right time."

"So you'd rather string me along and make me worry about—"

His hands grabbed my cheeks and his head moved close. He gazed at me more seriously than I had ever seen him as he said, "There is absolutely nothing you need to worry about, Em. Not when it comes to us. I'm in this with you. It's just... the thing I need to tell you is a... good thing... I hope. I hope you think it's good."

"Why all the mystery around—"

"We've had a lot of the big moments of our relationship ruined from miscommunications or rushed due to poor timings. I'm not going to ruin this one. Just know that the thing I have to say isn't anything bad."

"... But you said it might upset me."

The last thing I expected then happened. His cheeks flushed bright red before he said, "I hope it doesn't. But... just like you can't help assuming the worst sometimes, I also can't help it with this one."

"... what can it possibly be?"

"I'm not going to give you more details."

"Frazer."

"It's nothing for you to worry about. I'll tell you soon... when the moment is right and I find the courage. But it's not intended to hurt you. It's quite the opposite... I'm sorry you had to hear something out of context and I've caused you to worry. The last thing I want to do is break up though, okay?"

"... okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

He pulled me back into his chest, holding me a little too tightly as I fully calmed my breaths and racing heart. All the while, his lips pressed light kisses atop my head, eventually working down on my cheek, stopping only at my ear as he leaned back to whisper, "Now when are you going to put on that bikini you brought?"

I moved back, partially in shock that he was ready to joke already, as if I hadn't been about to flee moments before. Nonetheless, his humourous—though slightly sultry—eyes roused the playful side out of me once more, coaxing me to say, "But I packed a rashie."

All joy dropped from his face as he blinked at me, waiting for me to crack.

Though I stood my ground, enjoying the revenge as his disappointment clearly stole his face.

"Like... a rash top or—"

"Like a full blown wetsuit-style."

"What?"

"Do you really think I'd own a bikini?"

"But—"

"And if I did, do you think I'd wear it around the guys?"

"Well..."

"You're such a perv."

"Perv?"

I smirked. "Now are you going to leave so that I can get changed, or were you hoping I just put on swimmers for no reason?"

He heaved a deflated sigh before getting up.

"Stop being so disappointed, perv."

"I'm not a—"

"You wanted to see me partially naked."

"That's not what I—"

"Just admit you're a pervert already."

His cheeks had grown dangerously red before he said, "Fine. I really wanted to gawk at my hot girlfriend, okay? Sue me for wanting to stare at you and being attracted to you." Then he stormed out of the tent.

The front finally broke and I bursted out in laughter. All the while, I zipped up the tent and dug out my swimmers—not a swimsuit, not a rash shirt, but a tankini. 

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