I waited up as late as I could—not that it would have been easy for me to go to sleep with all the worries and woes wandering through my mind—though Frazer never called back. And when I woke, there were no notifications from him. Unable to stop myself, I did the usual: I went straight to his social media.

Another concert passed for him last night while my life imploded. Pictures taken backstage of him with his opening acts were shared for the likes, comments, and clout.

My teeth worried over my bottom lip as I wondered what to do next.

I can't tell dad... He'd freak.

Perhaps I go see a GP?

I just want to talk to Frazer about this... he'd know what I should do first. He'd be able to make a decision for me.

I tapped my messages, ready to text him again in the hopes if I spammed him he'd reply.

But stopping me in my tracks were the two blue ticks on my screen, signalling he had read my message.

Though no dots appeared.

When did he read it? Just now? Maybe he will call soon.

I sat in bed, staring at my phone, waiting, wondering, hoping for the three dots to appear at the bottom as I kept my thumb tapped on the screen to keep it awake.

The only thing yanking me away from my addiction to his absent attention was my bedroom door opening and my dad grouching at me to get up.

"Five more minutes," I mumbled back, not breaking eye contact with my phone.

"Em... Put the phone down and come out. Staring at that thing won't make him call."

My head slowly raised as I looked at him in anger. Though the pity etched into every crevice of his face made me realise how obsessed I had become with Frazer... so much so that my orbit was starting to circle around him. So much so I didn't even think to protect myself properly in our moment of heated bliss.

You're on your own now, Em, my mind whispered to me.

No... he's just busy. He will reach out any moment. I just have to be patient.

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

He didn't call me for the rest of the day, as I plotted around the house, completing the list of chores dad had left. And when I awoke the next morning, there was still no follow up from him. So I fired off another message.

Me: I know you must be busy, but please call me when you get a moment. It's important. Sent at 10:03am.

While I did my best to not be an addict to my phone, I couldn't help checking it frequently throughout the hours that passed, disappointed to see he hadn't read it.

Though him not reading it was still a good sign. There was time... there was hope.

When dinner came around, I snuck my phone out under the table to sneak another peek.

I expected the same greyed out ticks as every other time. But they were blue.

Keeping the screen awake on my lap, I kept an eye on the messages, waiting to see the dots appearing.

Yet they never did.

"Em, put the thing away," dad grumbled after a while. "It's not healthy to stare that much at your phone."

"I just... I'm waiting on something important."

"You're not helping yourself by waiting around on him. If he misses a chance to get an immediate answer from you, that's on him at this point. Put it away and be present with us."

Heaving a sigh, I reluctantly left the table for a moment to place my phone on the kitchen counter before returning to the table. And while I was physically at the table, pretending I was paying attention, my mind was completely behind me.

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

Despite the read ticks, Frazer still hadn't replied, so I knew it was time to start making decisions myself. I can't leave this forever...

I fired him another message that morning informing him I had an appointment, but I'd be available after 11am to 11pm for a chat when he's ready.

Once dad had left for work, I caught the bus to the nearby clinic to meet with the GP.

"I'm Doctor Moreno. What brings you in today, Emilia?" she asked calmly, without any judgement to her tone.

Nonetheless, I still felt nervous. "I... um..." She won't be able to tell who the dad is from looking at me, right? I wasn't giving anything away here... One slip and I'd ruin his career.

"You're eighteen now, right?" she asked, glancing at her screen to confirm.

"I am."

"Well, you know that anything you say is between us. Under no circumstance will we ever have to liaise between you and your parents anymore. Whatever it is, it's best to tell me so we can look at addressing it, okay?"

So I took a deep breath and said, "The tests all say I'm... pregnant."

I waited for the shock, for the horror, for the disapproval. But she merely nodded, typed into the notes on her computer, then said, "Is this a 'yay' or..."

"It's... unexpected."

"I see." She punched the keyboard a few more times before turning to face me. "Then the next step for you is making a decision about what you want to do so that we can proceed. If you wish to go ahead with the pregnancy, we can discuss what tests will need to follow, what care will look like, and so on. However, if you don't intend to keep it, I can go through your options there."

"I... I don't know what to do. I..." My bottom lip quivered, a tightness in my chest building rapidly. All this time to think about it and I still—

She pushed a box of tissues towards me then said, "Take a deep breath for me, Emilia. Whatever your decision is, you need oxygen."

Hesitantly, I inhaled deeply through the shakiness, then exhaled a little more steady. I followed her instructions a few more times before I was mostly calm. Then I confessed, "I wanted to discuss it with the father. But... reaching him has been hard right now."

"I understand. Would he be your main support person at a time like this?"

"He would be."

"Is he travelling or away for work?"

"Bit of both. I... We talked about having kids, but not now. It's not convenient for him right now either... But I'm scared if I make a decision on it, it might be the wrong one."

"The most important decision here right now is yours. It's your body. You know that right?"

"I... I do."

"Do you think abortion is at all an option for you or does it not align with your beliefs?"

"I'm pro-choice. I just... don't know what to do for me right now."

"I understand it's a very hard decision to make, especially if you're waiting on the other member of this to weigh in. However, how about we discuss both sides a bit so maybe you can make a decision that best fits you?"

"Okay..."

"When was the start of your last cycle?"

"Um... I—"

"It would be the date your last period began."

"Um... It should be on my app..." I brought up my phone, opening the app I usually track my cycle on... until I just forgot after New Years. "Approximately six weeks ago."

"And they've always been regular?"

"Give or take a few days, yes. I'm on the pill."

"Oh... Well, normally they are effective. But sometimes—"

"I vomited and didn't take another pill or emergency contraception, so..."

"That makes sense. Well, for the time being, stop taking the pill."

"I have been."

"Also, given the date you gave me, you're still early in the pregnancy. Well, if you choose to have the child, we would of course do a series of tests. We'd do a urine test, a blood test, and I'd also send you for an ultrasound. It's just to make sure all is healthy, that the embryo implanted where it should, and get a date of how far along you are. I won't discuss types of care with you today. We can follow that up if you choose to keep it. If you do, please book in within the next week so that we can line up all those tests as it's important to ensure everything is well and healthy."

"And... if I choose to not keep it?"

"At six weeks you're still eligible for a medical abortion. I'll have to run through a few questions with you first to ensure there's no medical issues that could conflict with it, but if I give you a script today, you don't have to get it filled. And even if you do, the decision waits on you actually taking the medication. This means you have time to still consider, but the option is there if you decide against proceeding with the pregnancy. It's low-risk, very effective, and works up to around 9 weeks of pregnancy. How does that sound?"

I agreed to her plan, and so she ran through my medical history before texting the script to my phone.

"Now, some further things. If you feel any severe cramps or get any bleeding, please go to ED. It could mean something serious like an ectopic pregnancy, where the egg has implanted in a fallopian tube. If you decide to go through with the abortion, then you will need to take two pills before nine weeks. Really within the next week or two. Otherwise, if you decide against it after that, don't take it and come back and we can discuss other options. The first pill you will take whenever you're ready in that time frame, the second you need to take around thirty-six to forty-eight hours later. And I say second pill, but often there's actually four in that last one. The pharmacist will explain this again. You will have bleeding, you will have cramping. You should take paracetamol or nurofen to help with the pain. The bleeding may start before you take the second pill, but it also might not until after. It should start within a few hours after the second though. I recommend staying home for a few days after the second pill. If you don't have any bleeding, please call us or go to ED. If you have heavy bleeding—meaning you're soaking a pad every two hours—or have large clots like the size of a tennis ball or your fist, or really really bad cramps, go to ED. If you have no one around you, call triple zero. If the bleeding doesn't stop after two weeks, please come back. There are some other side effects too that the pharmacist will go through but will also be in the leaflet. Read them carefully. Finally, do you live alone?"

"I live at home with my dad and brother."

"I recommend having someone know about the medication you're taking." Yet as I tensed up, she added, "But if you don't want to share, at least make sure you're around them. So if they are home on weekends only, take it then. You need someone there just in case you can't call for help."

My eyes were wide, my stomach churning, and my heart saying, Abortion doesn't sound like the best option after hearing this.

Which led to the Doctor reassuring me that, "These side effects are really rare. Of course, there's always a risk, but they're not common. If you do go through, still book a follow up within two weeks so that we can do some tests to make sure it works."

With all that information swimming in my mind, I left the GP and headed to the pharmacy to fill the prescription while I was there—receiving the same terrifying warnings once more.

Then, once home, I sat on my bed and stared at the pack and my phone, waiting for fate to tell me what to do.

Read ahead on Patreon. Link also on profile