I guess it really started when I started acting.That was quite a while ago. But still, my first time on stage, I was hooked. I loved the costumes, the makeup, and the thrill of performing. I was in heaven. But looking back at it now, what happened was inevitable. It's too bad that what gave me the most happiness also ended up giving me the most sadness. To explain, I should probably start at the very beginning.

I first knew that I wanted to start acting when my school would watch the DI presentations. I would sit as those kids performed, and I realized that I wanted to be a part of it. So in 5th grade, I finally started. My team wasn't that good; in fact we placed last in our category at the first level of competition. I still knew I loved acting. Even though we were terrible, I still had too much fun doing it to stop.

So that summer, I signed up for a children's community theatre. We were going to perform "The Granny Awards". It was a humorous musical about fairy tale characters winning awards on a TV show for best vocalist, best rapper, best villain, etc. The opening number started with everyone spelling GRANNY. I was so excited with my part, because I got to open the show. I was the "G". My costume was essentially a piece of cardboard with a sparkly "G" on it, but I loved it anyway. During all the practices and performances, I gave it my all, and I was the best "G" in the world. I loved it so much; I did the show with that theatre every summer. I never got a big part. I was always a chorus member or a background person. I never complained though. I assumed that I didn't get the big parts because I wasn't good enough.

But in seventh grade, I decided I wanted to know where I stood as far as my acting skills. So I signed up for forensics. I started out easy with a solo humorous piece by Dave Barry. I practiced like crazy, because I really wanted to be good. I didn't really get nervous until the first meet actually came. Then my nerves went on overdrive. I was shaking so badly, it must've looked like I was on a sugar high. I didn't think that I would be able to perform. Yet somehow I managed to walk up to the front of the room and begin my piece.

As soon as I started talking, the nervousness vanished. Instead of putting that energy into being scared, my mind automatically used it to put emotion into my piece. I gave it my all, and it paid off! In my first meet ever, I placed first! I couldn't believe it! Everyone was cheering and shouting I could barely hear! I was so happy. At that moment, when I received my trophy, I knew that I would love acting forever. That year, I went on to the state forensics tournament, and even made it to power round! AND I placed third!

The summer after my forensics journey, I went to my first audition for a play. It was imagination theatre's Wizard of Oz. It wasn't anything special. I just did my best and had fun. When the director called to ask if I wanted to be a flying monkey, I accepted. I wasn't very excited. I didn't get to sing, which is really what I wanted to do. But I thought A part is better than no part. So I did the play. I had lots of fun. But I craved something more. I craved the lead. I wanted to be in the spotlight. And in less than a year, I would get it. I would get even more than I wished for.

Eighth grade started out wonderful. I had gotten contacts over the summer, so I felt like a new person. I walked into the school, feeling ready to tackle whatever came my way. I walked in the doors, feeling prepared for whatever life threw at me. And I was, for a little while anyway.

The year started out fine. In fact, it was a great year for me! I won art contests, academic awards; I even made it into my school geography bee! I started to get cocky. I felt as if I could do no wrong. So I guess what happened next was a due punishment.

In late October, I decided to try out for "A Christmas Carol." The plot is centered on adults, so there wasn't really an opportunity for much acting. What they were looking for were young singers and dancers. After a long and steady stream of success, I was positive that I would get cast. But I was wrong.

I got the phone call that weekend. The phone call that would become so familiar to me that I expected it. But this was my first rejection. I never expected to hear,

"Thank you for auditioning. Unfortunately, we do not have a part for you at this time. But we encourage you to try again...."

I stopped listening. I could never listen to the whole thing. At first I thought it was a fluke, but after auditioning again and again for different theatre groups, I had yet to get a part. Around Christmas, I began to get depressed. Very, very depressed. Depressed constantly, every moment of every day, I could feel this... crushing feeling that seemed to control my soul, the very life within me.

I kept asking myself, "What am I going to do with my life? This is what I want to do for a living. What if I'm no good?"

Everyday, I became more desperate and melancholy. Life had become a boring and endless task. It had lost all meaning to me. It got to the point where I hated myself and couldn't bear to think or speak. I felt as if nothing would ever cheer me. I thought I would never be happy again. The feelings were so strong, I slowly but surely began to have thoughts of suicide.

By January, I planned to kill myself. I didn't even tell anyone. Why should I? They'd only try to stop me. And I was going to go through with this. There was no stopping me. Everything was set. All the details had been taken care of. I was going to do this. Some tried to stop me, like I knew they would. I just never expected them to succeed. Sonia, my best friend stopped me. I don't remember what she said; it was the emotion behind it that really made me think. She talked to me with such sincerity and compassion. She made me realize that you can't stop just because you didn't get what you wanted, sometimes you have to keep going and fight for it.

That was my wake-up call. I started to slowly recover. Some days I'd get so sad, that the depression would come back. But I resisted: I would never go there again. Gradually my old happy self returned. Bit by bit, my life returned to normal. However, one big chunk of my former life did not come back. My love of acting had yet to come back.

I did forensics again that year, trying to revive my old love of it, but it still would not return. I suppose it may have come back if I chose a humorous piece, but I insisted on doing serious. I wanted for people to feel the pain that had caused me to almost kill myself. Since there was no piece describing exactly how I felt, I chose one where I could cry. Whenever I got to that part, I just imagined how I felt after those endless "you didn't make it" phone calls. And maybe I shouldn't have, because it just made me relive the pain.

At the first meet of the year, I took third. The cheering and applause from my school didn't excite me as much as it did last year. I shook it off, saying that it was just because I wasn't being arrogant about it. I couldn't get depressed about that. No. I would not go back. Not again.

I kept performing, but the spark I once had was gone. It just wasn't there anymore. I wanted it to be, oh how I desperately wanted to enjoy acting again. But no matter how hard I tried, the magic wouldn't come.

My best friend Sonia could always tell when something was wrong. She got me to confess everything. I was surprised when she looked me in the eye and said,

"Sarah, you need to find that magic. And I think I know how."

I just stared at her. How could she of all people make me feel better? I'd been trying for months, and I hadn't succeeded. If I couldn't do it, what made her think she could?

When she told me her plan, I laughed. She wanted me to try out for another play! She wanted me to audition for "Little Women". It was the most laughable thing I had ever heard! Do MORE of something that made me miserable to get UN-miserable. Yeah, that will work!

She tried to explain, but I cut her off. I knew it was rude, but she was being ridiculous! I told her so. She looked mad, and then I knew I'd gone too far.
"Look. If you don't want to listen, fine. But I know you, and this will make you feel better. Trust me."

Sonia was steamed. She looked at me, and I could feel her anger. After a few minutes of stony, cold silence, she stormed away, leaving me to think about what she said.

It was like a game of tug o' war in my head! "It wouldn't hurt to try!" "Yes it would!" "No, it wouldn't!" "Yes!" "No!" back and forth, back and forth until I thought my head would explode! I tried to rationalize, but the argument in my mind made it hard. I thought about what it would mean. The last time I auditioned I became depressed and almost killed myself. Would I really be willing to risk that happening again? That was an answer I did not know.

Sonia kept trying to talk me into it. Everyday she'd start conversations with, "Do the auditions, Sarah!" During class, she'd pass notes with the same message! That's how I knew she was serious. Sonia is a rule-follower. Passing notes was not something she did normally. So maybe that's what wore me down or maybe it was just her pleading faces. Whatever the reason or source, I gave in.

"On only one condition," I said. "You have to try out with me."

For a second I thought she was going to laugh at me, but she must have really wanted me to try out, because then she responded,

"But what will we wear?"

This stumped both of us. We knew we would have to dress a certain way, because we wanted specific parts. And, being the superstitious girls we are, we believed that the way we dressed for the audition affected whether or not we got in. So the answer to this question was left unanswered for too long.

After discussing it for more than we should have (over an hour), we decided that I would wear something to look older, and she'd try to look younger. I wanted to be Jo, the tomboy girl who is about 15 or 16, just a little older than me. Sonia was aiming for Beth, who is the quiet sister about 13.

Even though I promised myself that I would not get too excited. I couldn't help it. Days before the audition, I was buzzing with anticipation. The nervous face on Sonia proved that she was excited too. The days could not have passed any slower.

It was excruciating, but it was finally the day of the auditions. Sonia and I exchanged knowing glances all throughout the day. Of course, now that it was here, school seemed to zoom by at the speed of light! Because before we knew it, school was over, and she was coming home with me to get ready.

At about 4:40, we started to drive over to the school where the tryouts would be. With both of us shaking like crazy in the back seat, I'm surprised the car didn't tip over! Thankfully, it didn't, and before we knew it, we were at the school where the auditions were being held. Walking through the doors, we peered around in awe. The school was covered with artwork! Sonia and I both loved art. This place was like heaven. But then we saw all the people there. They were all here for the audition! We were only a few minutes late, and already a HUGE crowd had formed! Sonia and I quietly took our audition forms and sat down to fill them out.

There were so many people there, that the directors were taking people into the room in shifts. I had already finished filling out my form, but Sonia wasn't quite done. The last group of people was being ushered into the room. I tried to stop them and ask if they could wait until Sonia finished, but it was too late. They were already in the room.

Sonia was oblivious to all the action. When she looked up with a triumphant smile as to having finished her form, it immediately vanished. She was dumbfounded to see the large hallway empty. I sat on the cold floor, worried that we would have to perform all by ourselves. Then suddenly, a huge group of people came in. It was a middle school drama club! Sonia and I were ecstatic! We were saved! We wouldn't have to perform alone!

In a few minutes, Sonia and I were hustled into the room along the drama club students. Immediately, everyone scrambled to find a seat. Sonia and I proceeded slowly in, not wanting to draw attention to ourselves. I spotted two seats in the corner, and beckoned for Sonia to follow me to them. As we sat down, the directors started calling people up to read form the script and perform their monologues. After they finished this, they were allowed to leave. The room quickly decreased in size as more and more people went. Sonia and I were not called. We exchanged nervous looks. It was starting to appear that we would have to perform alone after all!

The last member of the drama club finished and left. The room was now empty except for us and the directors. They called Sonia, and she slowly stood up and walked to the directors' table. She breathed in to start, but as she did, the door to the room opened. Three more kids came in. One girl about 13, and two boys aged 12 and 14. They sat down, and the directors nodded at Sonia for her to start.

She was wonderful! But then, I realized I was next. I stood up and walked to the center of the room. This was the moment of truth. Either I would do fine, or I would become depressed again. I didn't want that to happen. But I had to go. I started my piece.

Then the most amazing thing happened! The magic came back! The feeling I got when I had first performed onstage returned! All my nervous feelings disappeared, and were replaced with emotions for my piece! When I was finished, I walked back to my seat, feeling happier that I had in a long time. I guess all I needed for the magic to come back was to have a reason to do well. After becoming pompous about my acting, thinking I could do no wrong, my ambition was lost. That's the reason I stopped enjoying to perform. At that minute, I knew that I would not become depressed again, just as long as I remembered not to get cocky. If I ever forgot, I would deserve to be punished, like I had been.

Sonia could tell I was happy. She knew why, too. She said that when I perform, everyone else could feel the magic too. That when I do well, she can't help but smile. This is why we are friends. She always knows what to say to make me smile. We just kept smiling as the other kids performed their monologues. We couldn't help it. We both were just so happy.

The 12 year old and the 13 year old had finished performing their pieces. I looked up as the older boy presented his. I couldn't help but look. His voice commanded attention, and for a good reason, too. He was amazing! He wasn't bad-looking either.

Next, the directors had us read through a scene from the play. It was with Hannah (the maid), Laurie (their neighbor), and Jo. All of us in the room were divided into two groups. They had Sonia read for Hannah in both groups, because there were only 5 of us. I was asked to read for Jo along with the 13 year old girl. The two boys were going to read for Laurie. My group was to go first.

"Now," Katie the director began with a smile. "Don't think we're trying to mess with you because of the parts you're reading for. In this play the girl is named Jo, and the boy is named Laurie. Kinda weird, but hey. It's a cool show."

They gave us the script to read from, and I read as Jo with the 14 year old boy as Laurie. Halfway through the scene, the directors stopped us. I thought I had done something wrong. But they just wanted to do an improvisation exercise. What they did was pull a slip of paper from a hat, and we had to read the rest of the lines as that character. I was supposed to read as a heroic prince. The boy had to read as if he were a witch. Sonia had to act like a rapper. It was so funny! I made everyone laugh with my "manly" voice, and the boy I was reading with also cracked people up with his awesome witch voice.

I smiled. When we finished the scene, the directors were smiling too. I took that as a good sign. I went back to my seat and watched as Sonia read through the scene again with the other two kids. I stole a few glances at the older boy. (The cute one) He seemed like he had done this before. He looked calm and relaxed. I, on the other hand, must have looked like a complete wreck. At least I felt like one. The whole time we had been up there reading for the scene, my hands had been shaking so baldy I could hardly read the lines! He caught me looking at him and smiled. I smiled back. I assume he did that to calm my nerves, because I was still shaking like crazy.
Sonia finished reading through the scene, and we were told we could go. Sonia and I walked out together, chatting excitedly about what had happened. Sonia told me I did a great job, and I told her she did just as well, if not better.

We talked and laughed all the way to the car. My mom asked how it went, and we just smiled at her.

"I take that it went well." My mom stated, more than asked. "You'll have to tell me all about it on the way home."

We did. We talked about everything. How I had gotten my spark back, how well the both of us did, and those funny voices. I didn't know it at the time, and if I had I might have acted differently, but this would be my last fun memory with Sonia.