Head Over Heels // Tears for Fears

I sit on the bench in the secret garden for thirty minutes before the backdoor to the bookstore opens and Char walks out. She doesn't make eye contact as she descends the few steps and makes her way to where I'm seated. I, however, can't take my eyes off her. The body-hugging dress wraps around her the way I want to. Touching every single part of her.

She sits down as silently as she walked out. But she sits close. Her arm rubs against mine. Something about the way she allows the close proximity feels like an apology. I'm struck with the knowledge that this isn't easy for her. The thing is, Char isn't this uptight, buttoned up woman. She's bubbly and excited. She speaks in exclamation points. She says the awkward stuff out loud. Some might consider her inappropriate or overstepping at times. But that woman's been hiding for a while. Longer than I realized. But the more time I spend with her, the more I see the act she's putting on.

I put my arm around her shoulders, accepting her quiet apology.

"Hungry?" I ask.

"Very."

"Did you find anything else you wanted to buy?" I stand and reach a hand to help her up.

"Maybe."

I laugh. "Maybe you should go grab them so we can add them to the pile." I hold up the author signed book she found earlier.

"Maybe I already stashed them at the checkout counter."

I smile. "Good girl."

Char clears her throat.

"Um, yeah."

***

We walk slowly to the car after a nice dinner at one of the sidewalk restaurants. The mood since my bookstore confession and Char's silent apology is peaceful. I laid things out for Char in no uncertain terms. It's like I've removed a heavy blanket from my chest and now I can take a deep breath. I made my move. The next move is Char's.

I wish I knew what her move would be.

Once we're at the car, I unlock the door and drop the bag of books inside along with a few other things both Char and I purchased while wandering the shops. A t-shirt for me since I've been collecting them from each stop on our tour. Might as well considering this is the most I've ever traveled. Char picked up some hand beaded bracelets and a few postcards. We've got this tourist vibe down. I just need a fanny pack and an obnoxious camera.

Char moves to open the passenger side door when I stop her.

"No, no. Not yet." I take her hand in mine, gently, and hold it away from the handle.

"I can open my own door."

"I know. I've seen you do it myself. I have no problem with you opening your own door when we're not on a date. I've got it when we are."

Char shakes her head, pulls away from my grasp, and crosses her arms.

"The real reason is we aren't leaving yet." I round the back of the car and pop the trunk. Inside is a blanket and my secret weapon. Sugar. Chocolate to be exact. I look back up to find Char watching me, an unreadable expression on her face. Maybe she's getting ready to make her move.

"What's going on?" she asks sounding absolutely suspicious.

Ok. Guess that move isn't on the schedule, yet.

"We have another engagement to attend." I explain, once again offering my right arm while my left is filled with blanket and dessert.

"What engagement?" Her tone is suspicious, but I don't react.

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again." I lean a bit closer to her, making direct, unbroken eye contact. "Trust me, sweetheart."

Char closes one eye and sticks out her tongue. "Ew. Pet names? Blech."

I throw my head back and bark a laugh. "You looked like an emoji just now." I offer a side eye. "You're a closet goofball." I feel honored that she unleashed that part of herself again. Is this her move? When I feel her arm stiffen under mine, I have my answer.

No.

"I'm not a goofball. And pet names are a no."

"Ah," I nod. "Noted. But still, we have more to do before heading back to the hotel for the longest walk of the date."

"A long walk at the hotel? It's not that big, Jake. You have a flare for hyperbole."

Again, I glance a side-eye in her direction. "The longest walk is the one we make from the car to your hotel room. Where I say a nervous goodnight before I leave you there."

"Nervous?" Char scoffs. "You've never been nervous a day in your life. You are the epitome of ego and self-confidence. No way. You won't be nervous walking me to my door. You don't even need to. You can say goodnight in the elevator."

I shake my head at how little she knows me.

Although, that's not true. She does know me. I do have confidence and a slightly inflated ego, mostly self-inflated but I digress. I realize it's herself that she doesn't know.

"Do you really not see it, Char? How off my game you throw me?"

She scoffs. "And there it is. The games you play. That's what I've been saying the entire time."

I pause our walk halfway to our destination, turning to look her straight on and realizing that even through all of our jawing, she never dropped her hand from where it curled around my arm. Until now.

"Bad choice of words. What I should have said is that you draw so many emotions to the surface when I'm with you, I don't know which way is up and which way is backwards. I'm in a constant state of uncertainty. I'm buzzing with something stronger than any drug, I'll tell you that."

"God, why would you even bother, then?"

"Char, I swear..." If I wasn't holding this crap, I'd take hold of both sides of her face and kiss some sense into her. But I know the timing is off. She's not ready. Hasn't made her move. And I'm screwing this up left and right.

"I'm bothering for all the reasons I already laid out. And maybe someday, sooner than later I hope, you'll see it for yourself."

For the first time, I see a look of pure remorse on her face. She can't even hold eye contact with me. She takes a deep breath but doesn't look up. I might let her stew in this for a minute.

Or not.

"Here," I offer my arm once again. I need to feel her even if she's so off base she's not even in the same ballpark as me. Char takes it, to my relief.

"Where are we going, now?"

I could keep the mystery going but it's clear we're past the easy-going part of our night. If there even was one.

"The riverbank. There's some live music under the stars tonight. Some local classic rock cover band."

Char takes another deep breath. I feel her body relax next to me.

"Okay. That sounds really nice."

***

The drive back to the hotel is quiet. Memories of sitting close to Char, the warmth of her body next to mine as we listened to the live band under the stars, play out as music fills the car. I loaded a playlist of classic rock songs we just heard live, hoping to keep the night going. The mood between us has been lighter after the bookstore and the post dinner walk. I've never worked so damn hard for a woman in my life, but the potential has never been so great, either. Char is worth this, I know it to the marrow of my bones.

The valet takes the car as soon as we pull up to the hotel. Char takes the bag of books and I take her hand. I'm not bothering to overthink it this time. I want to prove I meant everything I've said tonight about the big feelings so why not show her.

I escort her into the elevator, hand on the small of her back. It's déjà vu from earlier in the night when we were only getting started. The promise of the night to come was still in the realm of possibility. But it's over and we're heading back to our rooms, back to our separate realities.

I'm more nervous now than I have been all night.

And it's not the awkward walk to her door or the goodbye laced with uncertainty keeping my heart racing.

It's worrying that tomorrow, when Char wakes up, she'll forget everything I've confessed.

I see her walls coming down. I don't want the few, tiny steps forward I've gained to be lost. It's out of my control, I realize. And it's a position I've never been in. I used to hope for the women I was with to forget everything from the night before so I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath. I never did learn that lesson. Char's called me out on all of it. She sees through me, more than most that's for sure.

I refuse to react to the tension between us in the isolation of the elevator. It's palpable. With Char I can't tell if this is heat or anger. Or both.

I'm not opposed to hate sex, and with Char I have a feeling it would be fucking hot. But that's not what I'm looking for.

The doors open. Both of us hesitate. Ahead of us is the long hallway, the longest walk of the night. I turn to look at her.

"Shall we?"

Char looks up at me.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"I was born ready."

"No, I really don't think you were." Char smirks but turns to walk out of the elevator with me on her heels.

She's absolutely right. There's no way I could have been ready for her. For what she's doing to me. To my life. To everything I thought I was working toward. None of it seems important to me anymore. I'm happier here on this tour, working like a dog for almost nothing, no recognition or fame from any of it, but when Char smiles, I'm done.

The silence is deafening. Only the sound of our muffled footfalls on the garish carpeting. My heart is pounding in my chest, so hard it's practically audible. My hand never leaves the small of her back as we pass one numbered door after another.

Finally, we reach hers. We pause, looking at the door, before Char turns to face me.

"Who are you?" Char looks up at me as she leans against her hotel room door.

"You know who I am," I say, shrugging before leaning into her. It's truer than anything else I've said to her all night. "Jacob."

"Jake," she says with a shake of her head, a wicked gleam in her eye.

"No. Ja-cob." I lean closer, whispering. "Say it."

My demand is met with a silent stare off. She's turning the word, my fucking name, over in her mind. I want her to make this move. I can practically see the wheels turning, her confusion. She's fighting herself and I want her to win the battle.

Wait. No. I want me to win the battle. Whichever side of her is on my side. That's the side I want to win.

My thoughts are jumbled but my gaze never leaves hers. The way she's looking deeply into mine, I sense that she's almost there, almost decided within herself, so I demand it again.

"Say it." This time I speak quietly. My tone is less demand and more beg. A tense few seconds pass before she reacts. But then...

"Jacob." It's the faintest whisper, almost a breath more than it is spoken. But I heard it.

So, I lean the rest of the way and press my lips to hers. I press my hands to the sides of her face, holding her gently. My mouth moves against hers, with hers, because she's kissing me back.

She's not just letting this happen. She's participating. Enthusiastically. It's the greatest kiss I've ever had. Char tilts her head slightly, so I do the same. My lips part, my tongue dipping out to meet hers. Her hands rise to grip my waist. I want to fucking devour her but I keep myself in check, holding back so I don't freak her out with how badly I want her.

It's when she lets the heady moan loose that I slow down and step back. This will not be a hook up. This will not be a night of regret. This will not be a moment I look back on and hate myself for. I won't let Char hate me for it either.

So I pull away when all I want is to hold her closer.

But she's not ready. This is step one and I'm not about to skip an entire staircase just to have her in my arms. I want her in my arms for longer than a few heated minutes. Until that's what she wants, too, I'm not taking this any further.

"Goodnight," I whisper.

She looks shocked. "Goodnight..."

I brush my thumb across her cheek. "Sweet dreams." I lean down to lay one final, tender kiss on her lips. Then I turn and walk down the hall to the elevator and back to my floor. Hoping tomorrow will be step two.

I had some trouble tweaking this one so I'd love to know what you thought. It felt off somehow, and I'm thinking it's because Jacob was not his usual self. I added some stuff, adjusted some other stuff and I think it works but maybe not. So tell me if you see what I'm talking about...

Anyhoooo, it should be *interesting* to see what happens now 😉😉

Plus, head over heels just says it all, right??

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I love you guys!! Thanks so much for reading!!