Hold Back The River // James Bay

In the most unprofessional moment of my life, I force myself to wrench my attention back to Brianna and away from Colleen in the VIP tent. My brain is split down the fucking middle between the object of my heart and the person whose literal life is in my hands. I'm so fucked. As hard as it is to detect potential threats among the flashing lights and motion of the crowd, I've never struggled this much. If this was one of my guys, I'd put him on administrative leave until he got his shit together. I don't have that option, not this deep into the tour with Curt on the back burner.

I've never had this problem, the one I knew I'd have the moment I gave into the temptation that is Colleen Mackenzie. I'm better than this. Instead of succumbing to the reflex of glancing Colleen's way, her sparkly dress glittering in the stadium lights, I scan the crowd at the base of the stage. We have a mix of venue security and guys from my team surrounding the catwalk, eyes glued to the crowd. Brianna's fans are relatively respectful, compared to popstars that deal with objects being thrown at them and fans rushing the stage. We've never had that problem. Her fans are pretty protective of her and I imagine anyone who sought to do her harm would get swarmed by the crowd and beaten within an inch of their life.

The concert comes to a close, signaling the moment I need to be on highest alert. Brianna makes her final bows among pyrotechnics and confetti before running off stage and past fans waiting to take a picture or get a wave from their idol. As I run alongside her, my eyes scan the crowd for any out of the ordinary visual signaling a need for added caution. It's a bigger challenge than usual with the shiny outfits her fans like to wear. I focus in on flashes of silver everywhere in the crowd - not the reflection off the blade of a knife - but in this case themed outfits worn by diehard fans. The tension in my system kicks up a notch every time the fans reach into their pockets for cellphones – not hidden weapons - to record her as she passes. The bigger threat is someone who'll use their physical strength to knock her down. Or like those fuckers who toss soup or paint on people to protest the latest issue in the headlines. We've avoided those incidents so far, but in this business, never say never.

"Popcorn is popping," I say our code into my wrist microphone wired to every guard's earpiece. Brianna and Zack love their popcorn, so it was a natural choice for her codeword.

"Butter is waiting," a voice says in my ear. Which means Zack is at the car. He hates any kind of fat or sugar, so naturally he's got to be the butter to Brianna's popcorn.

As I walk next to Brianna from the stage to the covered tunnel which leads down to the underbelly of the venue, I catch a glimpse of Colleen in the VIP box and force my gaze away from her to keep scanning the venue. Not my best moment, par for the course tonight. Having her here was a stupid fucking idea. It wasn't like this last time she tagged along. But then, I hadn't admitted to myself, or to her, how damn much I wanted her. And now that I have, I'm struggling to get myself under control. I need to fucking focus.

Maybe after a night of having her in my arms, I'll be able to chill the fuck out, get this need out of my system. I allow that thought to ease my frustration even though I know deep down I'm full of shit. This need to protect her is only going to get worse.

Our entourage makes it to the tunnel, Brianna safe and sound. Colleen isn't far behind. When she reaches us, the two of them hug and squeal about tonight's show. I block out their joy as I continue to focus on our surroundings. Three additional guards have joined our blockade, bringing the total to six. We create a wall as we move to the waiting blacked out SUV just outside the venue. Zack stands next to the car, opening the door for the women as he smiles at Brianna, kissing her cheek.

"One for the books, baby," he says. "Ready to play Where's Waldo on the way to the hotel?"

"What?" Colleen laughs at Zack's running joke.

"Welcome to the most notorious celebrity transport," Zack says with a sweep of his arm. "Every celebrity rides around town in a blacked out SUV. Everyone knows someone important is inside. It's like those Where's Waldo books, A-list edition." He explains as the ladies climb inside.

"Popcorn and Butter are hot." I send out the all clear to my team.

Before I'm able to get in behind them, a voice cracks in my earpiece.

"Boss, Enemy Number One has been spotted in the area, five minutes South of us." The intel officer uses our code name for Curt fucking Wainwright.

"How long ago?" I ask into my wrist.

"Current intel. Our tail is on his location in real time."

Fuck. The last time he was in the same town as Brianna and the C1 guys, he caused a scene and Zack lost his shit. We pulled out of town early to avoid further gossip rag fodder. Rather than give the piece of shit an opportunity to strike again, I decide to change plans and leave now instead of the morning. I relay the new details to the team who changes gears to roll out immediately before I slide into the back SUV and signal the driver to pull away from the venue.

"Change of plans. We're boarding the bus and pulling out now. Road work might delay the arrival, so we need to make up the time now." It's a canned reason I keep in my back pocket for situations like this. No need to work the talent, aka Brianna, into a tizzy for nothing so I keep the dirty details between my team instead. Zack gives me a hard look, knowing all too well that I'm full of shit. Rather than keeping him in the dark, I indicate to him with an equally hard look that there's more to the story than basic road work. He nods, an understanding look in his eyes. He'll ask for details later which I'll dole out sparingly. He trusts me but has his own protective streak where Brianna is concerned, understandably, which makes him a liability.

And fuck if I'm not far behind.

Everyone settles into the ride, my eyes still scanning the road. I sense Colleen looking my way, so I glance in her direction on reflex. Her eyes speak volumes as we come to the same realization. Disappointment is the only word for it. We're both feeling it in our core.

We just lost the only night alone together on her trip out here.

***

I've been to my fair share of after parties, but never one this depressing. Because, just my luck, we had to pull out a full 12 hours early. The original plan was to leave midmorning which would have given Colleen and I some privacy for the night. Just one more shitty situation we can blame on Curt.

As I sit in a swivel lounger across from Brianna and Colleen, I spend the down time on the bus listening to them talk and giggle. I should feel happy seeing her happy, but the longing is killing me.

Zack fell asleep next to Brianna as soon as the bus took off, his head on her shoulder. I find myself wishing I could be that relaxed with the woman across from me.

"I need more girls on this tour." Brianna says. "The boys are starting to get on my nerves." She side eyes her sleeping boyfriend, the one who's drool is about to drip onto her shirt. Colleen hands her a napkin. The two of them giggle again.

"I didn't think anything got on your nerves. I mean, look at us. The paparazzi declared Zack was cheating on you with me, his high school prom date, and you turned me into one of your best friends."

They both laugh, more than just giggles this time. I shake my head, remembering that whole debacle but also remembering why Colleen went to prom with Zack in the first place. There was never anything romantic between the two. Yeah, he had a crush on her back when they were kids, but she went with him to avoid her ex, Rosshole. Now I'm clenching my fists thinking about the guy. This is why I can't relax. Too many assholes on the loose. I need to check in with Frank for an update on his whereabouts.

"Sure, showed them, didn't we?" Brianna winks. "Not to brag but being photographed together in the only restaurant in Silver Valley was genius. We stopped the rumors before they even got anywhere."

"I don't know how you deal with this stuff constantly," Colleen says. "I could never."

Brianna shrugs, looking at Zack with hearts in her eyes. "It's worth the hassle."

I say nothing. I know too much about the actual hassle she's dealt with. And yeah, I guess true love is worth going through what she went through. She wouldn't be with Zack otherwise.

Hours later, we all head to bed. Brianna is always amped after a show, and honestly so am I. Usually. Tonight, I'm worn out in a way I've never been before. I feel like I've been hanging on the edge of a cliff and I don't have the strength to hold on much longer. Looking at Colleen as we dance around each other in the tiny hallway getting to our bunks, I know it's the loss of what I thought we'd share tonight that's doing me in. Her bunk is above mine, putting her on top of me all night but not the way I imagined. Does that make me a bastard? Probably, but I can't help wanting the woman the way I do. I fought it so long, until I couldn't fight it anymore.

"Goodnight," Colleen whispers as I pull her close. My arms wrap around her as she snuggles into me. Damn, the wishes I have about holding her like this all night.

"Goodnight." I kiss her temple, not wanting to kiss her lips for fear of torturing both of us any more than we already are.

"Not what I had in mind for tonight." Her words echo my thoughts.

"I know. Sorry you came all this way."

"I'm still happy to be here, Clinton. I don't want to be anywhere else."

I lean back, smirking slightly. "Not anywhere else?"

"Well," her eyelids flutter as she glances down to my mouth. "I could think of one place I'd rather be."

I look down the hallway at Brianna's luxury suite, her door closed and no light peeking from underneath. Not second guessing my impulse, I pull Colleen with me into my microscopic bunk.

She falls on top of me, her mouth fusing to mine. This. I've been thirsting for this all.damn.night. I need more. I know I won't get it tonight. I won't be able to give her the pleasure I'm fucking dying to give her. But this. This will be enough.

It's as electric as the parking garage where I couldn't catch my breath and didn't give a shit if I passed out from the lack of oxygen. Abso-fucking-lutely worth it. This time it's Colleen who takes the lead, angling her head for better access to my mouth, her tongue taking a dive and tasting me. I pull her in deeper, needing as much connection with her as possible.

There's no room to move around, no way to lay on our sides or to flip her over. Fuck if that isn't the hottest image ever, me grabbing her by the ass and flipping over on top of her. I grip the back of her head with one hand while playing out my fantasy of palming her ass with the other. Colleen throws her head back, probably on reflex, and hits it on the top of my insanely tiny little bunk. Fuck this bus.

"Dang it, are you okay?" I ask, soothing her head with my fingers.

"Yeah." She's looking down at me, panting slightly from our make-out.

Damn. When was the last time I made out like a teenager? Probably when I was one. This woman strips every adult instinct I have, reducing me to a horny kid. I've never wanted anyone like I want her, but then again, I've never held myself back like I did with her for a solid fucking year.

"The claustrophobia might do me in," Colleen says as she closes her eyes, resting her head on my shoulder.

I wrap my arms around her, pulling her in to cuddle the way I imagined. Not long after, I give her one more sad little goodnight kiss before she crawls out of my bunk and up into hers.

It's going to be a long, lonely night alone, the woman of my dreams within reach but never so far away.

Better late than never. And no, that's not the first time I've used that phrase for an overdue update, lmao. But something about this chapter was so challenging to get right. I worried that Clinton started sounding whiney, and that too much of it was in his head. Getting his mindset of distraction without being completely incompetent at his job was tough! PLEASE let me know if anything like that stands out to you so I can continue making adjustments to his inner thoughts.

I very strongly doubt I'll have another update ready soon enough for Friday, but never say never. BTW we just hit the approximate middle of the book! Offically 32k words so far with the goal for about 70k.

Also, how cute are his codenames for Brianna and Zack?!?! If you don't know their story, popcorn plays a huge roll in how they got to know each other and became a running theme between them.  Those names came to me while walking my dog and added a little levity to the scene.❤️❤️

I love this song for the vibes but also the imagery of holding back a river (of emotions, of needs, of time...) which is where Clinton's head is in this one.

https://youtu.be/mqiH0ZSkM9I

THANKS FOR READING!! I love sharing my stories with you guys. It's one of the biggest blessings in my life, honestly.