Say Amen // Panic! At The Disco

10 months ago

Swinging my door open after a gentle knock sounds, the bright-eyed blonde from next door stands in workout gear smiling back at me.

"Hi." Colleen says.

"Hey." I shove my hands in the pockets of my black pants, still in my work gear. I just got home from Brianna's production studios. We were outlining logistics for her next gig.

"So, I'm trying to make an omelet but I'm out of eggs."

"Sounds like you're missing the essence of the omelet."

Colleen smiles, tilting her head. "Would you happen to have any...essence?" She laughs.

"If you mean eggs, yes I believe I do. But if you've got some other essence in mind, I'm probably fresh out." I squeeze my eyes closed and shake my head. "What am I saying?" This girl messes me up inside.

Colleen laughs even louder. "You're making jokes with me. And offering me your essence."

"Oh god. You better come grab what you need before I end up slamming the door in shame."

"Aw, no need for shame. In fact, I think this is a big step. Laughter. You've been brooding for a few months. Understandably." Her voice drops on that last word.

The day after I tore up the letter to Mara that she helped me write, Colleen stopped by, innocently wondering how things had gone. I was still feeling the reverberations from the bomb Mara dropped on me about her affair and my filter was nonexistent. So, I spilled it all to Colleen, only regretting my loose tongue once she'd left. But Colleen has been nothing but understanding and respectful, never pushing me to talk about any of it.

I'm grateful for that.

"Well, it's a good thing you were out of essence and needed mine." I jaw back.

"Well done." Colleen slow claps. "Eggcellent."

"Haha." I shake my head.

"Speaking of eggs. Do you want to come over for some omelets? We could watch the game together."

I freeze, slowly turning my head to look at the woman in my kitchen. "The football game?"

"It is Monday night. And working from home is way too autonomous. It'd be nice to have another human to scream at the T.V. with me."

"You watch willingly?"

Colleen shrugs. "I grew up in Silver Valley where we had exactly one grocery store, one restaurant and five feed supply stores. Of course, football was life." She winks, her go-to expression whenever she's about to tease me. "I know its cliché; the small-town girl goes gaga over football. But what can I say? I am who I am."

I haven't slowed down long enough to watch football in a long time. I haven't watched football with another fan in even longer. And she's right. Colleen is unapologetically herself. Something I could learn from, I guess.

"Yeah, sounds good. Which team are you going for?"

"Does it matter?" She laughs.

I think about it for a second. "No, not really."

"Perfect."

***

8 months ago:

I open the door to Colleen's side of our duplex, feeling like a creep entering when she's not home. I texted her about coming over to fix the mildew issue in her tub. She texted back that she was gone and for me to go on in. It still feels wrong, but I don't have time to wait. On the other hand, as I walk through her place, I realize I'll be in and out of here much faster without an audience.

Colleen is a talker.

I open the bathroom door and groan. Lacey underthings are hanging on almost every place possible. The towel rack, the door handle, the shower curtain rod. It must be laundry day. I gently grab the delicate lavender pieces from the shower and walk them into her bedroom, intending to drop them there. But I stop short in the doorway seeing her unmade bed. It's not the disheveled mess before me that has me holding my breath, although that would typically be the case. I do like my space tidy. Instead, my brain pictures Colleen sleeping in that bed, in various states of dress.

As we've gotten to know each other over the last few months, my attraction has grown. I do a pretty good job of ignoring it but staring at her personal space and her most intimate things is making it fucking hard to do.

I toss the lace onto the bed and make an about-face, running a hand over my face and squeezing my eyes shut. It's been four months since my divorce was final. I don't date. I'm not tempted to with one exception. This woman, my neighbor who's far too young for me, is the only person I find remotely attractive.

I shut my brain off and get back to the job at hand-scraping the tub where Colleen showers. Naked.

Fuck.

Twenty or thirty minutes go by as I shut my brain off and focus, a skill my training has honed in me. I've got the tub all scraped clean and I just finished applying a solution to kill the mildew before I reseal it. I hear the door open and Colleen breeze in.

"Clinton?"

"In the bathroom."

"Decent?" she asks with amusement in her voice as she comes closer.

"I'm recaulking your tub, not using it."

"Hmm, I'd make a cock joke, but I don't think today's the day." She's standing right behind me as I run a smooth bead of silicone along the edge of the tub.

"Is there ever a day for that?" I shake my head. This woman will be the death of me.

"Clearly not the day your ex gets remarried. How are you doing, by the way?"

"Fine."

"Does fine mean the same in guy as it means in girl and you're actually torn to shreds?"

I stand up from where I've been crouched in her tub and face Colleen. Big mistake. She must have been out for a run because she's standing opposite me in yoga pants and a skin-tight running tank putting all of her curves on display.

"I won't speak for all men but in my case I actually am fine."

"It's not tearing your guts out that she's moved on?"

I keep the saddest part to myself, that Mara had moved on years ago, before I ever knew it. But I realized, once the feeling of abject failure had evaporated, that I'd done the same. We were practically strangers by the time we split.

"Not tearing my guts out."

"Well, that's good." Colleen crosses her arms and leans against the door jam. "When do you pick up Katie?"

"Tomorrow morning." She's spending the night with her grandparents after the wedding tonight and then staying with me for a couple of weeks while Mara and Michael are on their honeymoon. I turn my back to Colleen in order to finish my task.

"I bet you're excited to have her for so long."

"Yeah, it'll be nice not to have to take her home after a couple of days when we're just getting into a groove." I spread a line of silicone along the edge of the tub before smoothing it out with my finger.

"Get into the groove," Colleen sings. I look at her from the tub. Her eyes are closed as she swings her arms and hips to the imaginary beat. "Boy you got to prove your love to me, yeah."

I shake my head.

"Girl dads should know about Madonna."

"Girl dads from the 80's."

"Madonna is always relevant."

"I doubt that."

"Meh, maybe you're right. I did grow up in Spring Valley where it's always the 80's and big hair is the rule."

"What a fucking time warp."

"Basically." She laughs again. "Hungry?"

"Nope. I need to wrap this up and go get Katie."

"Okie dokie."

I finish off the tub while Colleen is elsewhere in her place. Then I make a quick exit. I'm awkward as fuck and she loves to tease. It's a weird combination that messes with my head.

But Katie is my focus for the next couple weeks, so I mentally slam the door on my questionable feelings for my neighbor. Who's also my tenant. Which is extra fucked up.

A week goes by before I see Colleen again. And not in a way I ever expected.

"Dad, it's a little..." Katie says tentatively.

I tilt my head, examining my girl's fingers, dripping with my handiwork. "Lopsided?"

"No. Messy. The polish isn't supposed to be on my skin. Just my nails." She pulls her hand back for inspection, her brown eyes squinting at my handiwork or lack thereof.

"I told you I don't know how to do a manicure." Katie requested a spa day. I was game until I realized she wanted to take turns. Now I have hot pink nails and blue eyeshadow and my daughter is covered in red nail polish. My hands are too big to control the tiny, little brush that comes with the polish.

"What do we do?" I ask my little expert.

"Get a cotton swab and dip it in the polish remover. That will take it off."

I move to follow her orders, picking up the bottle of remover only to find that it's almost empty.

"Oh no."

Katie shrugs. "We could go buy more." I contemplate what it might take to wash the eyeshadow off before driving to the store when Katie jumps up. "Oh! I bet Colleen has some. She's so nice. I'll go ask her!"

"Uh, yeah. Sure." Before I'm done agreeing with her, my kid is out of the house. I can hear her knocking on Colleen's door from my spot at the table. Still, I lean toward the open door, making sure I catch every word.

"Do you have polish remover?"

"Oh, my. Did you do try to do your own nails, sweetie?"

There's a tenderness in Colleen's voice that has me closing my eyes.

"No. Daddy did it. He's still learning. I did his nails and they came out just fine."

"Ah, got it. I'll be right over with some. I think you might need a back-up manicurist."

I shake my head at Colleen's quiet laugh. Katie comes bouncing in seconds later.

"Colleen's coming to do my nails now, Dad. You can go."

"I'm being replaced?" I tease.

"Well, a girl wants to look her best, and-" Katie holds up her fingers, evidence that she is not, in fact, looking her best.

"Maybe I should stick around for some pointers."

"Um, no offence, Dad, but I don't think you're up for spa day. We can do other stuff."

"Like tea parties?"

Katie rolls her eyes, a new reaction that isn't my favorite. "No, Dad. That's, like, for babies. We can watch movies and make pizza or something."

I nod my head. "I like pizza."

"I know. Me, too. Mom says it's junk food and we never eat it anymore."

I'm not touching that with a ten-foot pole. I have no desire to get into a parent battle, especially not over pizza. I'll figure something out that won't end up pissing off Mara when Katie goes home and brags how Dad lets her eat pizza. Thankfully, Colleen gets here just as Katie starts to say something else about junk food.

"Polish remover for the win," Colleen says, holding said polish in the air as she enters. "I've got plenty of essence at your disposal."

I shake my head. Katie looks at Colleen with confusion but brushes it off as quickly as it came.

"Oh, Clinton, that is quite the statement look you've got there." Colleen quirks her head to the side. "Very 80's inspired with the sparkly blue." She points a finger at my eyes, twirling it for emphasis. "Madonna would be proud."

"Who's Madonna?" Katie asks.

"Tip of the iceberg," I say, standing. "I'll let you two discuss and polish."

"Hmm, okay big guy." Colleen winks again, something she does far too often. This time it hits in a new place, lower than usual.

I wave them off and head to wash the blue eyeshadow, leaving the polish for now. It'll chip off eventually.

I realize the crusty heaviness I've carried for longer than I care to admit is starting to chip off, too.

About time.

***

5 months ago:

I grab the mail when I get home, pausing to grab Colleen's too. She left me her mailbox key for just this purpose when she left on her trip back to Spring Valley, but I still feel like a creep when I grab it. The impulse to check over it is almost too strong to ignore, but I manage. Having a friendship as close as ours has become with someone who lives as close as Colleen does makes the line between us hard to keep in place.

I tell myself over and over the line is there for a reason. For many, many reasons that I recite weekly in order to hold it firm.

I'm old, she's young.

I've been there, done that. I don't need my heart ripped out again.

I have a daughter I need to focus on. Nothing should take away from Katie.

When those don't seem like reason enough to keep things friendly rather than flirty, I remember how I disappointed my ex-wife with my need protect and serve. I'd certainly end up disappointing Colleen.

But that doesn't matter because that's not what we are. That's what we'll never be.

I put Colleen's mail by the front door on the pile I've collected while she's been gone. She went home over the holidays, too, but for some reason that felt different. I didn't think about her constantly while she was gone last time. I didn't wonder how her trip was going or if everything was okay. I hadn't noticed that she seemed...reluctant to go the way she had this time.

And I hadn't missed her the way I do now.

I know it must be because we've gotten to be closer since that last trip. And thinking about her, right now, brings up a need to check on her too strong to ignore.

Me: Hey, how's the trip going? Still on track to be home in a few days?

I set my phone down, knowing she's not going to reply immediately, except the ping of a text comes through before I take a step away.

Colleen: It's going. And yeah, I'll be home in a few days.

Colleen: wish it was sooner

My heart picks up a beat, suddenly needing to hear her voice. To make sure she's okay. And I don't want to figure out why.

I hit her contact without second guessing myself.

"Hey." Her voice is quiet.

"Is everything okay?" I don't clarify anything, just wait for her response.

"Yeah, it's all what I expected. Honestly, this town really is a time warp." She sighs so deeply I start to pace. "I'd rather leave the past in the past but being here makes that impossible to do."

"I get that." I don't say more, hoping for her to say whatever she's thinking. She usually does when it's teasing or flirty. But come to think of it, she's rarely vulnerable the way she's being right now.

"And, my family doesn't understand my decisions. Or my dreams of being a writer. It gets old."

"Family can make things tough." I make my words sound reasonable but truthfully, I'm grinding my teeth with the need to tell her family off. Colleen is doing great. She's stepping out of her comfort zone and dreaming of something new. That takes guts. That's bold. That's admirable.

"They can. Listen, I've got to go. More fun family time before I can hop on a plane." Colleen laughs bitterly.

"Hey, call me if you need...anything." An unfamiliar need, deep in my gut, to go to her and back her up rises. It's irrational. We don't have that kind of relationship.

"Thanks, Clint."

We end the call, but I feel undone. And I realize I've felt that way ever since I first laid eyes on Colleen.

This chapter is thanks to @joannestokely and @Squirrelsreadbooks !Thanks for your feedback which gave me the inspiration to go back in time with Clinton and Colleen to watch their relationship develop and watch Clinton be an adorable dad. I always say "when I get to edits" I'll make these types of changes. But let's be real: we want it now! I'd love to know your thoughts!

Say Amen has been on my playlist since I grabbed my favorites from that Bloody Valentine playlist I've mentioned. And it's just playful enough that it felt right for our trip back in time.

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Thank you SO MUCH for reading! You are all literally what keeps me going ❤️❤️❤️