Sry for posting this late wattpad wasnt working and then yours truly got grounded. here you. I am you mother bc I love y'all.  I don't care if I'm younger than you. NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW KNOW

-love 

         author

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John's POV

I was so happy. Today's the day, I told myself, the day I'll tell Alex everything, well not tell but sign. Madison was coming with me. He seemed kinda depressed since he and Thomas broke up, but it's probably since he loved him with all his heart. I knew how it felt.

Lafayette helped my get ready. He handed me a strapless bra, a strapless orangey red crop top that stopped right under my breasts and showed my stomach piercings, black jean shorts and orange sandals. I put on light makeup and hoop earrings. Madison waited for me outside and led me to his car, where he opened the door for me.

"Thank you," I signed.

"Your welcome John."

He drove us to Starbucks where we found Thomas and Lexi waiting for us. I wondered why Thomas was here, but I pushed the possibilities away.

"Hey, John! I have something to tell you. By the way you look good."

"Thanks Lexi. I have something to tell you too. But you can go first."

"Okay! So me and Thomas have something to tell y'all."

Me and Madison nod our heads, lightly, telling them to go on.

"The both of us have been dating since me and Madison broke up."

I look at Alex and Thomas. I can feel the tears forming but blink my eyes quickly so they don't pour.

"Congrats. You two look good together."

"So what did you wanna tell me John?"

"Nothing important. It's alright. Hope to see the both of you around. Bye bye!"

"Okay bye."

Madison and I watched the two leave hand-in-hand. As soon as they were gone, I cried, without even trying, the tears just came.

"C'mon, John lets go," Madison said as he hugged me and then tried to help me up. But I couldn't walk. I couldn't function. I couldn't do anything. I don't know how I was even breathing. He then picked me up bridal style and put me in the passenger's seat. He closed the door and took me home. He picked me up again and took me inside the house, which had Laf, Peggy, Hercules, Eliza, Angie, and Maria waiting.

"Madison mon ami, why is John crying? Did everything go ok?"

" Lafayette, Alex's dating Jefferson. It's hurting John. He's not able to function."

" John, my(dead) gay son, nooo," Peggy(who is me) said as she ran to me, "Are you ok?"

I shook my head, still crying. They all crowd around and hug me. Soon(like after an hour) they let me go and I ran upstairs to my room, finally being to function, and lock the door. I walk to my drawer and take out my razor. I was clean for 6 months. The scars from my abusive father, raping uncle, and myself were gone. I didn't want to cut again but my arms and wrists were itching. I drew it close to my arm and cut once, then twice, and again and again until I cut four words or phrases on each arm. My left arm said "Tranny'' "Whore" "Faggot" and "Fat", while my right arm said "Stress-reliever" "Everyone hates you" "Die" and "Worthless." I got up and changed into my black Miranda: An American Musical hoodie, black shorts and went back downstairs to see that everyone left except for Madison, Lafayette, and Herc. Laf and Herc went to their room and did some stuff that we mustn't say, AhEm PrAiSe OuR LoRd AnD SaViOuR, LiN MaNuEl MiRaNdA. I sat next to Madison and he platonically cuddled with me as we watched Mulan.

"Hey Jack-Jack(someone plz get this reference or I will die), feeling better?"

"Yeah I guess."

"Want ice cream or anything to eat?"

"Can you please get me some water and popcorn?"

"Of course lov-John."

He got up and went to get me my water and popcorn. I waited for him and curled into ball. I started scratching my arms since the blood had stopped but its was becoming itchier. I stopped as soon as I heard Maddy's footsteps, knowing he'll find out that I've been cutting again.

"Here is your popcorn and water, my dea-friend."

"Thank you, Maddy."

I ate and cuddled with James, slowly falling asleep. I could feel him picking me up and placing him on my bed. As he got up and left, I grabbed his arm.

"What? Do you need something, John?"

"Can you sleep with me? I don't want sleep alone today."

"Of course. Let me call BurrSir real quickly to tell him I won't be there."

He left to get his phone and had called Burr by the time he came back. He took off his shirt and fell asleep next to me, arms wrapped around my waist(no smut yet, y'all sinfully sinning sinners). I put my hands on his chest and fell asleep.

*time skip to next morning brought to you by the HAWTNESS of Daveed Diggs*

The next morning I woke up to Lafayette yelling at me and Madison to get up. Madison quickly went to take shower while I waited patiently, since he had to go back home and then leave for work.

"You guys didn't do anything last, right?"

"Laf what the f*** no. And shouldn't you be sore from Herc?"

"Uhhh W-What do y-you me-mean?"

"Stop playing dumb. We all know the both of you do it everywhere and almost every second of the day."

Maddison leaves and I walk into my bathroom and Lafayette exists my room. I quickly take off all my clothes and stared at the mirror in front of me. I heard voices in my head.

"Alex and no one will ever love you."

"You're better off dead."

"You're so fat and ugly"

"Get that razor and cut that fat stomach of yours."

"Commit Suicide."

"Dying is the smartest thing you could do in your life."

I grabbed my razor and cut my stomach, writing four more words, "Curse" "Fake" "Crybaby" and "Ugly". These cuts made me a little giddy, but I got up and put the shower temperature on hot. The hot water burned my new cuts, but it felt good, like forgetting what life was, kinda good. For the time I was taking a shower I question, why is happiness and love so overrated? I stayed there for about 20 minutes before getting out and drying off. I quickly changed into a maroon hoodie and black booty shorts, but they were covered by the hoodie, which went down till my knees. I go downstairs and join Laf and Herc in breakfast.

"Hey John. Feeling betta?"

"Yeah Herc."

I quickly ate the pancakes Laf made and went back upstairs. Laf and Herc came up to tell me that they were going to the movies by themselves. I internally thanked god for making me stay at home alone. As I watched Netflix, I heard the voices in my head again.

"Why are you still alive?"

"Go kill yourself already."

"Grab your sleeping pills and overdose on them."

"The world will be a better place without you."

"No on will miss you."

I walked to my bathroom and opened the cabinet where I kept my pills. I grabbed my bottle of sleeping pills, which was not opened yet. I tried opening for the next 5 minutes.

"Stupid child proof caps(heathers 4 life)!!!"

After I was able to open it, I poured half the bottle in my mouth and swallowed them. I felt dizzy and soon the world went blank.