I have a pretty big fear of spider, I think most people do. The one thing spiders remind me of are the spiders I used to find under my bed when I brought friends over, I remember those moments so vividly. I wish there was a way I could go back to revisit the few amount of friends that I used to have, maybe then I wouldn't have to rely on memories.

I don't talk to much people I used to be friends with, even with the people that I could possibly contact. It just feels so impersonal and awkward, the only way I would talk to them is if they showed up on my doorstep or something. Having trust issues is a common problem for me and I've thought of talking to my therapist about it.

The thought of spiders and my old friends reminded me of my childhood, the happy street I used to live in. But the terrible household I was raised in. It was hard to believe that my house even belonged in the neighborhood, it was so out of place. But if I was to sayone cold lesson I learned from childhood it would be everyone has a bad side, it just takes a certain moment for their true colors to come out, at it's worse it can be a pitch black void surrounding other and causing them to slowly sink

into their tasteless motives.

The house that lies just behind the bushes has been bruised with reality. If the walls could talk they would just scream and cry. People were actually happy when it finally was put to rest by the family moving out. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of everyone's shoulder but out of everyone here that is excited, I'm the only one who has stepped upon the unstable floorboards, I am the only one who has looked out of the stained windows. The only way I found about this was my aunt told me my parents moved out from there to the house next to her’s. She asked if I wanted to talk to them but I just told her I was okay.

I am the only one who has lived in the house behind the bushes. The house had stood behind the bushes for many years, usually taking the status of being "abandoned." Until my family had moved into it one day in July. It was full of hope, I could feel it as I wandered into it for the first time. I prayed that my family wouldn't mess it up or just move out of it without

giving it a chance. I stared out of one of the windows and saw a little boy my age playing it the street. He seemed pretty lonely.

It was dusty and underwhelming but I'll remember the feeling it gave me til the day I die.

I headed into my room, which was going to be the second-biggest. My parents would be getting the biggest one but if you ask me making my room next to theirs made me mad. Their yelling kept me up most night and when I did get the chance to sleep I would have nightmares. Nightmares are just part of a child's life, like an injury.

My types of dreams included such classics such as falling to my death, being put into a child a foster home or dying and having nobody show up to my funeral. I didn't have much to do so I just sat on the ground, staring at the wall that was in front of me. Looking back I was quite a weird kid.

I got a lot of looks in school when I would enter my own world. The room was covered in spider webs and some dust, I realized this because I ran into a

dusty spider web. I hadn't ran into much spiders throughout my life so I didn't have basic knowledge with those black insects. My choices on what to do at that point was either scream and run or attack. I chose a little bit of both. I remember that I flinched at it and swiped at it, not the smartest idea but that was my reaction.

I think I ran down the stairs after that almost three seconds after doing that I plunged into a lot of bad vibes. I know, it sounds like I was being dramatic but that's the depressing feeling I got. I witnessed my mother yelling at my dad with a piece of paper in her hand, I can only assume

it was about bills.

My dad looked flustered but I could tell he was trying to keep his calm. Out of the two my mother had more anger issues compared to my dad. It was easy to realize that, it was even obvious to the visitors that came into our house for less than a minute. I retreated back into my room after that, facing a spider didn't seem like that big of an issue anymore.

Remember how I said I don't have much friends? Well, I wish I hadn't have said that because thinking of being a friendless loner makes me want to have a breakdown. It's kept me up many night along with several questions I have been asking myself for a while and I have never felt so miserable.

Usually my emotions come and go but this entire week had stained my life pretty bad.

Speaking of things that make me sad, I got a promotion at my job. You may wonder how that can make me feel anything but happy. The catch is I have to work twice as much now and honestly, I think my one true friend deserves it more than I do.

I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship in anyway or else that's more night of sleep to kiss goodbye. Rarely anything has happened to me that I would consider good. Except me getting a winning lottery card. I only won thirty bucks but I think that's good enough. I also heard a song that I like on the radio, so I guess those were two good things. I know the radio one sounded kinda pathetic but that's the kind of small things in life that make me laugh.

I remember how my dad used to play his music in the living room with his radio, my mom complained about it a lot but my Dad said that I was enjoying it. I couldn't care less about if it was off or on. I barely spent time in the living room. I used to have this friend, his name was Alex Garner and he lived across the street and I normally spent the night at his house. We clicked pretty well and he really felt like a true friend. His family would usually come over for dinner.  I thought

it was innocent enough but my Mom called them "The freeloaders." She didn't call them that to their their faces but she once told me to stop inviting them. I think another reason why Mom didn't like them was because they were so cheerful and a bit childish.

One time Mr.Garner was eating mashed potatoes and he dropped it and it got all over him while eating at our house, his wife thought it was funny but my mom was furious. She didn't let it show even when they both started laughing. She just stood there, gritting her teeth and clenching her fists, I think my dad stopped her from wringing their necks.

My friend would enjoy himself when he came over because he said his family were always talking to him and invading his personal space. I told him my parent were the other extreme, never really caring about my day or life for that matter. As long as I was alive they didn't care

how I was feeling.

I could tell he felt bad for me because after that we started to hang out more, I didn't have any problem with it because I was convinced we'd be friends forever and I thought us hanging out like this would only sky rocket our chances, he actually was nice to my mother which surprised me because most people tell me she's not that easy to be nice too. Even me as her own son couldn’t make her smile that often! It was kinda depressing but after that I really was satisfied

when my mom said she enjoyed Alex's company.

It seemed like a sweet deal until he turned into her little servant. It got so bad that I stopped inviting him over. I haven't talked to Alex since I turned sixteen and eventually left that town. We didn't find a way to keep in touch, sadly because I didn't have a phone. I was sixteen when I left and my parents were pretty devastated also. I will never forget the heartbreaking look on Alex’s face on that day, he conveyed most of the motions I have felt throughout my life. I remembered all the things we did together while I was living there, I remember thinking about moving in with him but he was so determined to stay there for the rest of his life that it was exhausting to argue with him about it.

You may wonder why I don't head back there to see him again, and to tell you the truth.....I don't know why not. Sometimes I don't understand myself. It's probably because there are just so many bad memories waiting for me there. I don't trust my anxiety to just trigger as soon as I take a step into my neighborhood. From what people I know tell me, I'm not the most emotionally stable person. I could cry at funeral for someone I don't know.

So, I confronted my boss and he told me some colorful language. He said I was ungrateful and I'm surprised he didn't fire me

on the spot. But I guess that could be illegal, speaking illegal I remember when the fighting got so bad that someone called the cops. It was late december and it was when my brother had came to town, I think he was kicked out of my grandma's house and I can kinda saw why, he runs his mouth on a daily. He also gives stupid nicknames to everyone, for example he calls

my dad "kicker" because he used to be a good kick boxer. I had mixed feelings about that, I was wondering why he didn't do it the time he was mugged but I'll get to that.

My Dad had told me that his brother wrecked his car one night when he crashed it into a tree, he hadn't spoken to him ever since. He really didn't want to talk to him after all these years but my Mom told him he should just let it go and reconnect with him after the two year long silent treatment, but what she didn't know was that this visit would only make things worse.

For starters he would just lay around and watch TV in his boxers, I feel as if even mom was starting to regret inviting him.

I remember how the first night Dad's brother called him a "weirdo" and it turned into a full out brawl. Me and my Mom ran off to the side. They exchanged blows like boxers and it was no surprise someone called the cops. My dad's brother made a run for it as soon as he saw the lights. We haven't seen him since, I have thought of contacting him but he would just find some way of making me not want to socialize.

Looking back I think it was Mom who called the cops, she kinda went into the kitchen and didn't leave for about five minutes. Maybe if I did visit I would ask her if she had called them. My Mom and Dad fought often and when they did they it was usually over something Mom started. Like when my Mom said that she should've married Alex's Dad. Which she said just to get dad jealous, she despises Mr.Garner and Mrs.Garner equally.

After that they started to scream at eachother and it only took about a minute for them to drag me in. Asking me how often does dad do the laundry or cook. Speaking of bad times I remember when my dad was attacked while I was watching. I was staring out the window one morning and I saw dad walking down the street, I then saw three men push him to

the ground and take his wallet. After that they left before anyone could get help, I think they were arrested after that when they were trying to rob a food store, the only reason I heard about it was because I saw them on the news.

I showed my dad and all he did was grunt. Like I was showing him static or a picture of a dog doing something cute. It’s not like I was real terrified after that moment it’s more like I have been cautious a lot throughout my life thanks to that one moment. It's not like I believed that those same guys would come and mug me. It was more of the fact that I've always known there were people like that. Still, those criminals probably weren't that smart to rob someone during daylight. I'm also terrified of the thought of going to jail.

I remember one time I went to a scared straight trip when I was staying with my aunt. She was convinced

it would be a lot of fun but clearly she hadn't seen any of the Tv-shows because she was surprised when all the criminals started screaming. I was surprised they even let her in there, I thought you had to be a kid to go but I was proven wrong. After that incident I returned back to my parents, my aunt was kinda uptight so I was okay with going back. I saw Alex holding the hand of his new girlfriend and I was sorta proud of him.

I didn't really like her at the time because she would always push him around which made me feel bad for him. Speaking of dating, I have decided to try out some dating websites......this isn't the first time I tried but hopefully this goes better than last time where I forgot my password or that other time where we stopped talking after she got her account hacked.

Another thing I did this week was started taking sleeping pills, this is really my first time taking pills so I was kinda worried that I would overdose or something bad would happen to my body. I guess if I stop writing this that means I'm dead. Well, don't worry I will try my best to stay alive. Even if I am a nobody.

I have had a pretty decent week. My boss apologized for getting so angry at me and he fully respects my wishes and he will give me a downgrade. I don't feel bad when I say it was a bittersweet moment for me. My friend got the promotion which I am also happy about. She really deserved it with how much she works late at night. She has a husband but he works late at night so I can see that she isn't motivated to leave work.

My dad used to work all night and my mom would often make jokes about cheating on him for fun. I never thought they were in good taste. I remember my mom waiting for my dad with a vase and when he walked through she threw it at him. I remember the screams of

my mom and yelling of my dad haunting me. She's a very hard working seventeen year old, she has a lot of skills but she is a very shy person like me.

We met in college but we both eventually left. It just wasn't our thing, we also couldn't afford all the money you have to pay for books. I don't know why I even tried to go to college. Maybe it was because I never really had a good education to begin with. I was homeschooled by my mother. Usually recess would contain yelling at dad through the phone.

She always told me that she could teach me as good as any old school could. Trust me, I wanted to believe her but I slowly had doubt in her when she told me that the United States is a city. While my mother wasn't that bright she had a lot of street smarts

which I really could respect like the time a mother went to her and said she looked like some celebrity. The thing is, mom really

hates that celebrity.

Mom found a way to calm herself down and not at the same time by saying that the woman looked like her grandmother, I had to hold

in my laugh at that statement, it was topped by mom giving the lady a glare that only my mom can give right. I didn't know if mom thought that lady meant harm but it turns out that was Alex's grandma but something told me that I shouldn't tell mom that.

Those sleeping pills are really helpfull! They helped me with my insomnia, so I decide to take them most night. But no worries, I do it in moderation just so I will not overdose. I've never known someone who has overdosed but I can only imagine it's not a good process, I only really think about the end when I am at a funeral. I like to imagine peace surrounding me like a pillow.

My mom was pretty religious so she would always take me to church, so would Alex's parents. I think it killed my mother inside every time his mother would sit next to us. She would always sing louder than everyone else which legit made my mom furious. My mom actually

did have a good voice but she's used to sing quiet but when Mrs.Garner blurted out the second verse it made my mother want to snap. I wonder how much things have changed since I have been in the neighborhood, for all I know my mother is Mrs.Garner's best friend.

It's not likely at all but it could be true. Not a lot of things make me mad except people that drive slowly and people that expect me to always be in a good mood. I mean when I'm told to smile I grimace, a grimace that can convince someone that an good vibe sucking void is in my facial expression waiting to devour their smile.

Tonight I made a schedule with my therapist. This would be my final one, I feel like my like was coming back together like a puzzle. Everything seemed to get better and I didn't feel the need to have a therapist. Unlike my boss he was calm about it and just shook my hand

when I told him it was going to be my final visit. I have to admit, it was pretty sad and I kinda cried. But he's probably used to his patients leaving him eventually, my final meeting with him is tomorrow and I'm kinda excited.

One thing I plan to ask him is if I should visit my family again, visit my friends again. Visit my childhood again. Looking back I don't really understand why I would want to go back. Wasn't sixteen years of my life good enough? The truth is I don't know. Like I said, I'm an emotional guy. I really feel like this my choice, it is my turn to visit my fragile memories.

My problematic mother, my tiresome dad, my best friend, Alex. His goofy mom, Mrs. Garner. Her clumsy husband, Mr. Garner.

These were my memories and it's time I choose what happened to them.

During my teen years I got very emotional, I ran away from home one too many times. I often had anxiety and eventually Alex stopped talking to me. I didn't really care, but I was stil surprised when he shed a tear when I was leaving. Looking back, getting really emotional all the times made me do things I shouldn't have. I wish I could take back every not needed tear. I talked to my aunt because it felt like she understood what I was going through, I wanted to be alone and with people at the same time.

I didn't want my mom and dad fighting anymore, I wanted to be somewhere I could leave and stay at the same time. I wasn't going to sugarcoat what I was going through anymore. I got on the train and my mom found it necessary to invite the Graners despite her not like them, I thought they wouldn't show until I felt Alex's eyes melting the back of his head.

My aunt was one of the reasons that I had left in the first place, she got me all pumped up to be my own person. She convinced me to leave and I thank her for that, I might even do it if I see her again. I remember the pain I felt when I stepped on that train. In some ways I'm happy I did it and I am not at the same time. I couldn’t how mom started treating my aunt like that.

That's the thing, you can't find yourself if you didn't lose yourself on the journey. Today I sat on my bed with music on. I let myself lose myself so I could look for myself at the same time. I then went to the mirror and looked at myself. I listed off all my faults from "my ears are too big" to "I have little self-esteem."

After going through that emotional breakthrough I called my one friend and asked her if she wanted to go to the movies. Now this wasn't a date, she already had a husband as I said before. But I wanted to focus on the good. I wanted to hang out with an overall fun friend and not think about the bad. It might be hard to avoid it but I'll find a way.

I remember the thrill when she said yes. I imagined some certain bushes being cut down with some hedge clippers. I imagine the idea of me and he having a great time with me, seeing a great movie. Me making more friends and hanging out with them. I bit my lip while trying to imagine. I realized it was time to meet up with my therapist.

After talking to my therapist I told my boss that I would be missing a day of work next week, I was expecting for him to curse me out but he seemed okay about it. By the way it turns out it was my friend's idea to complain to the company about his attitude and he was

approached about it by someone higher up than him.

That's why he was nice to me afterwards. Speaking of her, I had fun hanging out with my friend, Jenny. Luckily, her husband was okay with letting us hang out since I was just a friend of hers. Speaking of friends, consider him another one of my friends! Well....maybe. The guy always had a weird impression on me. His spiky blonde hair and collar seems threatening but besides that he’s a pretty good guy. I talked to him after the movie but there was no real point since I could barely get a word from the guy. I guess I got some type of compliment when he told me, “he didn’t trust a lot of guys but he liked me.”  The movie we went to see was bad but I enjoyed knowing there was some sorta hope for me, as you can imagine I didn’t really care about the plot of it..

Today was the day I was expected to leave. To go visit my family. But if I were to run back then.....what type of household would I be going back to? Not a happy one. I may not a someone but a nobody has feelings too, right? I even deleted my account on that dating site, I don't need a date if I have two good friends.

I could've stepped on that train. I could've seen everyone again but I wasn't ready. I had to get to know the person in the mirror, the one with the soulless eyes, the one with little self-esteem and the one who came from an unhappy household. My nostalgia got the best of me.

Maybe one day I'll be that strong, maybe one day......