2020

It was a shit day for me to receive a package in the mail.

I had no idea someone who lived as minimalist as I tended to could struggle to close a suitcase, but that might have had more to do with the zipper being stuck, likely from a lack of usage, than my particular lifestyle. We weren't going to be gone for long, barely more than two weeks, but I didn't have much experience with packing or traveling, so I couldn't decide which items were a necessity and which were just me not being able to let go of something.

By the time I zipped everything up, I was happy to only have one suitcase and one personal item, the latter of which was mainly to carry my wallet, passport, and an excess of snacks for the plane because I had been warned about plane food. (We still love you, Hawaiian Airlines.) Anthony was gracious enough to loan me the backpack he had used when he went traveling last. It had been years so there were a few cobwebs I had to dust off, but beggars couldn't be choosers.

"Everything ready?"

Kanani rounded the corner and entered my room, hopping back and forth between both feet as she rocked baby Kaleo back to sleep after a long day of being a baby. (Exhausting times.) (He deserved his beauty rest.) The pale pink and orange onesie I picked up for him at Pearlridge the other week fit snugly around his cute round belly.

"Think so." Exerting enough strength to tire me out, which was embarrassing as it is, I lifted the suitcase into a standing position. A quick scan around the room confirmed I hadn't accidentally trashed it in my pursuit of packing. I would have been devastated seeing as it took me almost an entire week of cleaning after my overtime work shifts to get it prepped and ready for my trip. The last thing I wanted was to come back after a two-week-long vacation and see a pile of dirty laundry sitting around my hamper. "Is Kaipo here yet?"

She shifted Kaleo onto her other hip. "Just pulled up downstairs. Your flight leaves at three-thirty, right?"

"Yeah, we're gonna leave in twenty minutes so I can meet her there before we go through security."

After doing a final check to make sure I had everything I needed, I wiped my hand across my forehead. I turned to face my sister, carefully trying not to get the baby too excited. Ever since I babysat him for an entire weekend while Kanani and Keali'i tried to set up the new apartment he had moved into which was much closer to our house than his previous one, Kaleo liked to go into what we called bouncy mode every time he saw me. While I found it adorable, Kanani was usually the one who had to calm him down. (Aunt perks.) (All the fun without the hassle.)

I leaned over to kiss his warm forehead. He stirred a tiny amount but mostly remained tranquil in his mother's arms—his favorite place in the entire world, and for good reason.

"I'm gonna miss you," I whispered.

Kaleo yawned.

"Before you go downstairs, something came for you in the mail." Kanani gently kicked a small box, which I hadn't noticed, that had been placed right outside my door. "We're gonna leave you to it, okay?"

She ushered Keali'i into the room, directing him to take my bags downstairs, while I picked up the mysterious parcel and carried it over to the bed. The address looked unfamiliar and there weren't any visible markings to distinguish where it had come from, which left me scratching my head. While I had been making a few more online shopping orders as of late, they were mostly all clothes and toys for Kaleo, and I hadn't ordered anything recently so it couldn't have been from me. By the time I turned around to ask my sister if she knew anything about it, she was gone.

Once I opened the box, an envelope peeked out at me with the smooth side face down. It took barely a shift of my pinky and not even a full view of the front to know what it said and who had written it. By that point, it had been almost nine months since we last saw each other, and only a few less since we had last spoken. It wasn't due to any other reason than him being busy working, but it was long enough that realizing we still had a connection sparked something in me—a little bit of surprise with a whole lot of wonder. But Nikau Reed had always been the best at bringing that out of me.

Dear Hokulani,

I feel terrible sending this now because I'll probably be in a new city by the time it reaches you, but I hope you're doing well. I was walking around the other day and stopped in front of a music store when I thought of you, of course. Though, I supposed it would be difficult to pinpoint a moment when I'm not thinking of you. Life has been a little crazy lately, but just know that you're always on my mind.

The hotel I stayed in last night had one of the best views I've ever seen in my entire life. An absolutely perfect view of the stars. I saw your favorite one and couldn't take my eyes off it. Had the best sleep of my life. And then I found this place the following afternoon, so you can imagine what I thought of that funny chain of events. I really wish I was with my favorite star again. But I'll see you again soon when the time is right.

Until then, don't forget about the magic that you are. I've never forgotten. Here's a little something I think you'll enjoy to help you make more of it.

Aroha nui,

Nikau

Life wasn't picture perfect, but that was okay. The best parts of life never were. Though I missed him dearly and always wondered where in the world he was or what he was doing, my heart didn't painstakingly ache for him in the way I imagined it might have. He wasn't some phantom limb I kept reaching for. Nikau was exactly who he needed to be when I needed him, and I felt comfortable knowing that he went off to find his place in the world as he helped me with mine. My heart felt lighter knowing I held something that once rested in his hands, and that we could find a connection even a thousand miles away from each other.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before lifting away the rest of the package.

From the moment the black case came into view, I knew what it was, and I immediately had to stop the tears from falling. To no one's surprise, I was unsuccessful in doing so, and I found it only fitting that Nikau's words caught each and every drop as they had many times before in their own ways.

I ran my fingers along the silver embossed YAMAHA lettering, so smooth it glistened like the surface of the ocean under starlight. Everything smelled so new, so clean. Every instrument I had ever held was used by someone else before, which there was nothing wrong with, but it meant I was aware of how nothing ever truly belonged to me. Even the instruments we had at home weren't truly mine but were passed down from my father or sister.

Even before I opened the case, I knew this was mine. All mine. This belonged to no one else but me.

Inside sat a Yamaha YOB-441 Professional Oboe, which I recognized from lusting after it online. It was beyond beautiful than any other instrument I had the pleasure of holding in my hands, and I balanced each piece of it delicately between my fingertips, afraid that I would somehow find a way to scratch it. While I had spent years dreaming of one day being able to afford one of these, I knew realistically that day would never come. This cost at least seven thousand, which made it difficult to accept as a gift even from someone who lived comfortably. If Nikau were here right now, I would have told him to return it because under no circumstances could I accept such a pricey gift.

He also probably knew that, which was why he waited until he was long gone to give me something like this. It was a shame I didn't have time to play around with it before we left, but then I remembered once again that this belonged to me. It would be waiting when I returned home.

...

"You got everything you need?" Kaipo asked as we stood outside the Daniel K Inouye International Airport with only an old suitcase between us. The way he patted my shoulders, tugged on the straps of my backpack, and checked to make sure the handle of the suitcase was working okay—was that a thing all guys did? Anthony did it when he dropped off the backpack—gave him the impression of dropping his child off at school for the first time. "If you forgot your passport at home, I swear I'm going to—"

"How dare you think so little of me." I tapped the pocket of my sweatshirt where it was neatly tucked for safekeeping.

With impeccable timing, the other car we were waiting for pulled up to the curb, and Anthony hopped out of the driver's side door to grab the bags from the back while his sister exited the vehicle at a more leisurely pace. Once she spotted us, she completely ditched her brother to do all the dirty work for her and skipped over to us, embracing me and Kaipo in quick succession.

"I told him you were going to beat us. And we live closer."

"I blame the man," I joked.

"So do I," Alex huffed. Unlike me, she wasn't joking.

Since Alex and I were both paranoid about missing our flight even though we had ample time to make it through security, find something to eat, and pick up a new hobby if we wanted to, the chatter was kept to a minimum. We all made a few jokes at Anthony's expense and Kaipo made me promise to send him as many pictures as I could, which I agreed to. We were only going to be gone for a couple of weeks, but the two of us hugged as if we were saying goodbye for the last time.

"You're my best friend," I told him, squeezing even tighter.

His laugh rumbled against my chest. "I'm your only friend."

"Shut up."

"Love you too. Have a safe flight. Call me when you land."

Once the two cars pulled away from the curb and back into traffic, leaving the two of us to brave the big, bad world alone, Alex and I exchanged a look mixed with both excitement and wonder. Last minute plans weren't something I had spent a lot of time making up until this past year, but it didn't surprise me that those major experiences were shared with people who represented both my present and my past. And though there was an unmistakable uncertainty that awaited us at our destination, I knew I wasn't alone, and that made venturing off into the unknown a whole lot easier.

"Are you ready?"

I stared ahead. "Not sure."

"Come on then," Alex said with a skip in her step. "The skies are waiting!"

She went ahead, waltzing past the automatic doors with ease and leaving a breath of cool air from inside to wash over me. I hesitated for a beat as I caught myself, letting the reality of our trip sink in. It felt awfully silly to make such a big deal about going on vacation for as long as we were, but it was only the second time I had ever left my home, and this trip held more weight to it. I wasn't falling back on the security some guy granted me, as much as I loved that guy. (He wasn't just a guy.) (He would never be just a guy.) Alex agreed to keep me company because she, too, wanted to explore all of the wonders of the world, one small trip at a time. I liked having someone by my side who understood the world in the same way that I did. She made me feel a lot less alone even in the middle of a crowded room.

Before I took a step toward the door, I happened to glance up, noticing a round mirror placed in the corner. There I stood, observing my reflection and watching as the tense expression on my face transformed into a smile. No matter what I thought of myself on my worst days, I still arrived at this point, about to do something I wanted to do entirely for myself, and I knew it would change me forever. That was something to be proud of. I was someone to be proud of.

After letting my gaze linger on the mirror for a second longer as I touched the north star necklace that hung from around my neck, I kept going.

A hui hou, Hawai'i nei. Until we meet again.