2019

Nikau's name popped up on my phone as I walked toward the back door at the end of my shift. It was easier for him to find parking on that side since it was employees only, and if he was running late, I didn't mind sitting out there by myself.

What confused me was that he had already told me he was parked outside, and I was less than two minutes away, which he knew, so there was no reason he needed to call unless something had sprung up and he was about to let me know he had to leave.

I braced for the bad news as I answered. "Hello?"

"You're never going to believe this."

"You know I'll be there in a few seconds, right?"

"I know, but I was too excited."

I had no idea where this was going, but I played along. "Okay, shoot."

"Remember how I told you that DJ dude Maverick messaged me, saying he liked my music and thought it would be fun if we worked together sometime?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Guess who just invited me to collab on a new song for the soundtrack of a movie coming out next year."

I gasped. "No. Way."

The heavy steel door took some effort to shove open as I stepped outside, balancing my phone in my other hand. My eyes landed on him as soon as I rounded the corner, and I watched as he leaned against the fence, bouncing excitedly on his feet. He looked like a kid who had just been told that Santa dropped him off a bunch of presents. Judging by the look on his face, it probably wasn't that far off.

DJ Maverick, as far as I knew, didn't have a fluffy white beard or a sleigh and reindeer to take him around the world, but he was, I guess, the next best thing.

As soon as my feet touched the pavement, Nikau rushed over and lifted me into the air, spinning us around. The sudden proximity was alarming at first, and he must have sensed it because his grip began loosening from around my waist, but once I collected my thoughts and reciprocated the embrace, he tightened his grip again.

I was suspended in time and his arms, and I would have been lying if I said I didn't enjoy the feeling of it.

"So, you're both writing a song? Together?"

He nodded. "He doesn't have an exact date yet, but he's thinking maybe the end of November, early December to fly up there."

"Fly up where? For what movie?"

"Chicago. Something called Work, Wife by Keira Lim."

"Keira Lim?" I wasn't a film nerd by any means—my watch list was a mile long—and I, regrettably, didn't pay as much attention to those behind the camera as I should have, but seeing Plan A by Keira Lim was one of the most mind-altering moments of my life. I had never seen a film crafted in such a delicate but authentic way, especially about a subject most didn't have the tact to handle properly. "I'm sorry, Maverick, but I think that might be the best thing I've ever heard."

"Apparently, and he's not a hundred percent sure yet since it's just a rumor he's heard, but MARS might be contributing as well—"

"Are you fucking kidding me—"

It was a good thing Nikau was still holding onto me even after he had lowered me back down because I would have fallen over right then and there otherwise. Whatever this Work, Wife thing was, it was stacking up to be one of the most promising projects I had heard about in recent years. Nothing could ruin this for me, and knowing Nikau was getting a  big break with working on the soundtrack only proved that.

"Not that you heard any of that from me," he quickly added.

I laughed, knowing that the only people I could have told would either not know who Keira Lim was or just didn't watch movies.

"Secret's safe with me." I added, "That's so exciting, though. I'm happy for you, Nikau. You deserve this."

Now that the serotonin rush of the moment had begun to subside, our closeness became more glaringly obvious, and I stepped back, putting space between us, while Nikau ran his fingers through his hair. While our dynamic had shifted slightly since that night he came over to the house to check on me, there hadn't been any significant changes in our relationship. Namely, nothing happened between us, aside from spending more time together, but that had already begun even before Nikau confessed that he wanted to kiss me.

That confession hadn't been brought up since, and Nikau made a great effort to not let my unofficial rejection of him affect our friendship. It wasn't as if I hadn't thought about it either. I had. I thought about it a lot since that night and probably more times than I cared to admit even before that. But the uncertainty of the future mixed with my general state of worriedness prevented me from letting go.

"I know it's late notice but do you think you'd be down to go out and celebrate? This is the first good news I've gotten in... well, forever."

It wasn't lost on me that my immediate internal reaction was to say yes, of course, I would go anywhere he wanted to invite me. If it meant getting to see him this happy, it didn't matter what we were doing. But the words got stuck in my throat, and all I could do was simply nod and smile.

"You can say no if you want," he said.

I shook my head. "No. I mean, yes. Let's celebrate. I'm all yours tonight."

Nikau smiled.

...

While I had spent more than enough time in the water to recognize the fear of drowning out at sea, tonight was a display of drowning on dry land.

No matter in what direction I looked, something was trying to swallow me whole—the lights, the sounds, the congestion of gyrating bodies, and the distinct lack of oxygen in the room. The only reason I managed to make it past the front door was that I clung to Nikau the entire time, his hand clasped around mine like a lifeline.

It was Anthony's idea to go to a club, claiming that he needed to get out of the house since he had been moping around alone for the past week because his boyfriend was gone on a two-week-long trip. The fact that he couldn't convince Alex to come out with us was probably a sign that I shouldn't have been there either, but even when Nikau broke the news about where we were all being dragged to, I couldn't say no, which was silly because I knew that if I had, he would have immediately told Anthony he needed to pick something else.

After we pulled up to the bar, Anthony was able to flag down a bartender right away despite the bustling crowd, and he ordered us all a few drinks. While I wasn't much of a drinker, it didn't matter to me at this point what he bought us because I just needed something to loosen me up. I tried my best not to let alcohol become a crutch any time I ventured into a more social scene, but some nights were more successful than others. House parties tended to be a little easier to handle since they, more often than not, had easily accessible escape routes. Clubs were their own kind of beast I had yet to tame since I rarely visited them. Billie Eilish's song Bad Guy made an admirable effort at helping my cause, but it still wasn't quite enough.

Nikau rubbed his thumb at the base of my wrist absentmindedly as he glanced around the room, taking all of it in. I had no idea what the nightlife was like in Aotearoa. Hell, I barely knew what it was like here. Since I had no current memories to compare it to, I had no idea what the vibe was like tonight.

"You alright?" he asked as he turned back around to me.

I nodded, hoping my movements didn't look too stiff. As usual, my sisters had helped me pick out something to wear tonight, which meant I was stuck in something that, while it looked nice, was just a tad bit out of my comfort zone, but that also had everything to do with where I was getting dressed up for.

I tugged at the bottom of my too-tight dress; it was purchased with Kanani's body type in mind, which meant it was short on me. "I can barely hear my own thoughts in here," I answered.

He leaned close. "Come again?" he asked, and I repeated myself, this time leaning close to him so my mouth was right by his ear. "Oh," Nikau laughed, "yeah. But I think it's kind of better if you don't listen to yourself right now. Just have some fun."

"Easier said than done, I think."

"Huh?"

I shook my head and mouthed nothing.

The bartender dropped three shot glasses in front of us, along with a separate batch of cocktails, all of which I had no idea what they were, but I trusted Anthony to at least buy us something that wasn't completely vile. He had already gained some points by not buying us any beer.

"Cheers," he said after dispersing the drinks amongst our trio. "To Nik finally getting some work."

"Thanks, bro—"

"And by work, I mean convincing Hoku to go somewhere else besides her job and then back to her house."

"Hey," I poked him in the chest. "Don't think I won't be petty enough to leave just to prove a point."

Anthony's eyes danced between Nikau and me. "Yeah, I doubt that. But drink up." Using one finger, he tipped the shot glass up higher before angling it toward me. I had no choice but to take the shot. The drink burned my throat and I winced.

"I hate drinking."

"Nobody likes drinking. They like how drinking makes them feel."

I narrowed my eyes at him. For someone who was currently experiencing boyfriend separation blues, he was trying a little too hard to appear nonchalant. Even though he was leaning back casually against the bar, eyes coasting across the crowd in search of a face that wasn't even on the island, I saw through him. Anthony Rivera, unlike his sister, came alive when he was around people, though his life didn't always afford him the opportunity to do so.

"Spoken like somebody with a problem."

"My only problem is that I'm here alone tonight."

I rolled my eyes. How melodramatic of the all too eager attendee. "We're all here alone."

"No," he replied pointedly, "we are not."

Nikau tugged on my hand, placing his now empty glass on the counter. I was too distracted by Anthony that I hadn't noticed he had already taken his other drink and finished it off. "Don't forget this was your idea, man."

"You shouldn't be such a good wingman to my impulses."

Stepping back as if he was going to disappear into the crowd, Nikau splayed out his arms. "Sorry, bro. Don't ask a question you want a no answer to to a guy who's in a good mood."

He held out his hand, beckoning for me to follow him, and I quickly downed the rest of my drink, or as much of it as I could stomach without throwing it right back up because alcohol was disgusting, and anyone who said otherwise was kidding themselves. Whatever serotonin had flooded Nikau since his surprise good news must have taken control of me as well just by proximity because the yesterday version of me would never have been this spontaneous. She would have laughed at the thought of me in a club with Nikau and Anthony, drinking something that wasn't some bottle of beer, which I hated, or a glass of wine I nursed all night. She would have asked who the hell I thought I was, pretending to have a good time. Except that, despite the setting which went against my very nature, I was having a good time, and I knew the company I kept had everything to do with it.

In true cinematic fashion, the song changed as we entered the dancefloor. My vision flooded with the rhythmic alternation between darkness and lights flashing down at us. Nikau once again became my lifeline, the only thing keeping me from slipping under, as we navigated treacherous waters. And everywhere we turned, I hung on tighter. When I spent most of my time avoiding being around people, let alone touching them, being this close where it was physically impossible to do so tested me in ways I hadn't been for a long time. Mentally, I reminded myself I was okay and most of these people weren't paying attention to me, probably didn't even realize they had branded themselves into tonight's memory from a simple brush of a shoulder as we slipped past them.

Once Nikau was satisfied with the area he had brought us to—notably far enough away that Anthony couldn't spy on us because we both knew he absolutely would since he had no boyfriend to keep him company—he spun back around and began dancing.

At first, I stood there awkwardly with my arms hanging by my side. I understood the motions of what I should do, as well as the language of the music and how it connected to all of us, but it was all a vision inside my head of what I should have been doing, as if my brain was disconnected from my body and refused to allow me to rebuild the bond.

It wasn't until I started moving, after what felt like ages, that I realized Nikau was helping. With each hand in mine, he swayed us side to side, pulling me closer with each step we took until his hands eventually found my hips.

What should have sent distress signals up to my overworked brain had instead muted everything else until it wasn't enough white noise anymore. All that was left was Nikau, myself, and the music. I didn't understand how he did it. How he was so good at making me get out of my head so easily. Maybe it was his way of leading by example since it seemed to come so effortlessly to him. If he wanted to do something spontaneous like live in a new country for a year so he could work on his music, he did it. Just because he wanted to. He didn't worry about how much he would miss home or whether he would be productive. He trusted that he could make the most of it.

That was something I needed to work on. Trusting that no matter what happened to me, I could make the most of it, like tonight. Even if it wasn't the first, second, or even twentieth place I would have suggested we go to celebrate him, I was there because of him. Because I wanted to see him happy and because I liked being around him.

Every time someone bumped into me a little too hard, Nikau pulled me closer until it felt like there was no space left between us at all.

I couldn't even figure out what song was playing anymore. It could have literally been white noise for all I knew, or we could have been the only dancers at a silent dance party without headphones. I wouldn't have noticed. I wouldn't have cared. For once in my life, I convinced myself to just... enjoy it.

My hands trailed up his chest slowly until they reached the nape of his neck. It only occurred to me then that the only person I had ever been this close to in this kind of way was Kaipo, though it had never felt the same way it did now. With Kaipo, it was a means to an end. Something we did to arrive at a single point together, knowing we had no desire to go further than that. But Nikau was something different. A thin layer of wonder and curiosity cast into the shadows of my self-doubt. While I had never given anyone else the opportunity to want to try, he was the only person who stayed even after all of my attempts to diminish the everlasting possibility that lingered between us, and I would be lying if I said that didn't mean something to me. It did. Even when I couldn't admit it out loud.

I wasn't sure what I was thinking when I grabbed his wrist and tugged him through the crowd. It probably looked more scandalous than I meant for it to, and part of me felt bad for leaving Anthony all by myself, though deep down I was sure he found a way to entertain himself. Anthony could make friends anywhere.

I found a short hallway off to the side that was empty and looked like it led to some employee entrance somewhere else. If my brain had recently been switched on, I might have been worried about a staff member walking in on us, or even another wandering patron, but it wasn't so I didn't care, and Nikau didn't seem to either.

With my back pressed against the wall, I kept my hand on his chest for a second while I tried to gather myself and make sure this was something I wanted to do before quickly reminding myself that I wasn't supposed to be thinking at all. When I realized I was comfortable enough to let go around him because I felt safe, I didn't waste another second.

"I want to try something," I said, "if that's okay."

Nikau nodded.

Since we were nearly the same height, all I had to do was lift my chin and lean forward for our lips to meet. Thanks to my hesitancy, our kiss held a softness to it. My brain kicked back into its usual mode and sent red signals alive, so I stepped closer to him, slipping my hand back around his head to keep myself tethered to him. His lips were so soft with everything else about his physique the antithesis that I couldn't decide which part of him to lean into. Whether to keep myself barely above the surface, fingers tracing the fragile parts of his identity, or sink further until the stranger I met at that party months ago was just a vague figure from the furthest reaches of my imagination. As ridiculous as it was, I thought about every time I had ever kissed Kaipo and what moves I made that seemed to elicit the best reactions out of him. It was all I knew, all that I understood about how to be with someone else, and after finally getting to this point, I didn't want my inexperience to be the reason Nikau decided I wasn't worth it anymore.

He pulled back an inch and I instinctively followed after him, which made him smile. "Get out of your head. Don't overthink it."

"I don't think that's possible," I breathed.

"It is. You just have to stop telling yourself that it isn't." Nikau tucked my hair behind my ears while his other hand came to rest on my hip, clenched as if he was afraid that letting me go meant watching me drift out of sight. I wondered what I looked like to him, staring up like the lost girl I always believed I was. "God, you're so beautiful."

"Can I try that again?" It wasn't enough. I had no idea where we would go after tonight once the adrenaline faded, but I knew it wasn't enough.

He was already pulling me back before I finished. "And again, and again, and again—"