2019

It had been so long since I had this kind of night out that I had no idea what to wear.

As she always did, Leimomi came to the rescue along with Micah's help. Neither was going to the bar with us tonight, but they were all too happy to offer up their services before tucking themselves in for a night of popcorn, a brand new box of Capri Sun, and the entire extended version collection of Lord of the Rings they had no chance of getting through in one night. ("Do you think Nik can take us to where they shot all the movies?") ("No.") ("Why not? Stop hogging him, Hoku.") ("Leave your sister alone, Leimomi.") ("Why do you even have that many Capri Sun boxes?") ("They were on sale!") After ripping through my closet like a tornado, they settled on something from Kanani's closet, which no one was surprised about.

This time, Kanani sat at the foot of her bed, watching as I twirled around in the thin, slinky dress the girls had picked out for me.

While my closet was mostly full of muted tones like stormy blue or sandy beige, Kanani gravitated toward brighter shades that always brought that extra bit of warmth to any room even on the cloudiest of days. I had always believed that if I wore any of the louder colors that she did, I would somehow look fake or as if I was trying too hard to be someone I'm not. Considering I was quite literally wearing someone else's wardrobe, it wasn't a far cry to assume that was what people thought. People that knew me, anyway.

It wasn't prom night or anything, but Kanani gave as enthusiastic a reaction as if it was. Heat rose to my cheeks as I tucked my long bangs behind my ears, swatting her hands away when she tried to playfully poke at me as I sat down next to her.

"You look beautiful, babe," she said.

"Thanks." We had about half an hour before Keali'i was going to pick us up, while Anthony was set to meet us at the venue. Nikau was likely either getting ready or already on his way to get everything set up. An unread text message from him blinked at me every time I accidentally tapped on my phone screen. "If I say I need to leave, can you promise you'll let us?"

The corners of her mouth slipped. "But—"

"Promise. Please."

"Promise." She held out her pinky, which I accepted with a sigh of relief. "But I don't think you'll need it."

"You don't know that—"

"I don't." She stood up and placed one hand on each of my shoulders, gently coaxing me to look into her eyes. They were soft and familiar, and I sank into them willingly, knowing that I was always safe when they were around. "Consider this a friendly observation but you look good around him. Not good but good, you know?" I hated it to admit it, but I knew what she meant. "I think you'll be fine. But either way, we'll be there. I'll be there."

I nodded. "Okay. Thank you."

"It's okay if you like him, you know."

"No, it's not."

"Why not?"

Because he was only here for a year, and almost four of those months had already passed. I wasn't about to get attached to a relationship that had a time limit.

"If anyone touches you," I said, "I'm going to pummel them."

Kanani accepted the deviation with a smile as soft as her eyes. "Watch out, world. Here comes Hokulani."

...

I hated to admit it—I technically didn't, not out loud, at least, since it was merely a thought that had forced itself out of my brain—but Nikau was just about the only person who could get me into this packed room on a Saturday night.

I was uncomfortable for a multitude of reasons—the inability to freely move even as I wanted to shrink inward, which also meant no easy and direct ability to escape at a moment's notice, the dress that looked pretty in the comfort of our home but now felt like nothing more than a thin napkin around my body, and too many faces all around me at once, moving at what felt like lightspeed so I could never latch onto any one of them and make sense of where I was and with whom I was inadvertently hanging out.

There were also a few reasons why I was comfortable—Kanani stood on one side, bouncing between both feet and drinking a glass of orange juice while one hand played lazily with the ends of my hair, while Keali'i sat on the other, one arm stretched across the table behind my back. A near-empty beer bottle sat inside a ring of condensation from where Anthony had placed it before heading backstage for a brief visit with Nikau before he went on stage. Although I had now heard Nikau sing on multiple occasions, this was his first real performance I was getting to see.

It wasn't much, considering where we were, but it was enough.

"What is that again?" Keali'i asked, nudging me with his shoulder and looking down at my drink.

They weren't exactly being subtle about the physical barrier they were creating between me and the rest of the world, especially since it wasn't often we saw either of them with this much space between them ever since Kanani got pregnant. I pretended not to notice instead of being incredibly grateful.

"You can't tell?" I took a sip of the damn near neon green drink. "Liquid Marijuana."

"Of course. How could I miss that."

Tonight's show was another shining example of the reach Nikau's light had on the world. While a decent crowd could be expected during any weekend, it was clear from comments made by staff, as well as just being able to see it with my own eyes, that tonight's turnout was impressive. Nikau's name could be heard in passing whenever someone walked by, and I saw more than one person wearing his face on their shirt. While it wasn't out of the ordinary now, considering just how many people had turned putting themselves on the internet into a full-fledged career, I still wasn't used to the idea of knowing someone that felt like everyone else seemed to know, too.

They didn't just know him either—know in the superficial sense that could only be possible—but admired him. The anticipation of his set to start made the air thick, and they were practically swimming against a riptide just to get a peek at him.

Hanging back like a shadow against the wall separated me from the chaos that was Nikau Reed, the up-and-coming artist. It also made it feel like I was experiencing two different people—the Nikau who showed me his rough files and the one about to unveil the polished, finished product.

"You've heard his music, right?" Keali'i asked. "What's it like?"

"He definitely likes R&B but his songs kind of... transcend into different genres. It's pretty great."

"You hear that, babe?" Kanani leaned forward with a coy smile. "It's pretty great."

I groaned, eyes closed. "Jesus, don't start."

"I am quite the miracle worker but it's pronounced Ka-naw-nee."

This time, I kept my mouth shut and rolled my eyes.

Keali'i wasn't quite the gatekeeper between us, but he played the part by playfully reaching behind me to knock her shoulder, and she returned the favor by stretching across to flick his knee.

After a few minutes, the lights began to dim and everyone focused their sights on the spotlight illuminating the empty stage. Most people rushed to flood the main open floor area, but the three of us weren't about to give up our choice table, and I was certainly not interested in getting tangled up in the crowd. It would take me forever to detangle myself, even long after the show ended and we were no longer at the venue.

It had been longer than I would have liked to listen to live music, whether it was a show like this or sitting in the audience at a symphony. Even as I lingered in the back, envy curling like thorny vines inside me, I felt my skin prickle with anticipation. It felt more contained than what was unraveling in front of me, and yet my body felt more alive than it had in months, maybe even years.

"Kia ora, O'ahu! How are we doing tonight?" His voice boomed out of the speakers and I searched for him, but the stage remained empty. Applause erupted around us like static, and I found myself clutching onto Kanani's hand like the music slowly trickling in was the countdown on a high-speed roller coaster.

And then, we blasted off.

If I thought I knew who Nikau was before, I was mistaken.

Not that I did. Not completely. He still lingered in that transitional realm between familiar and conceptual. An idea I was interested in but by no means had a true grasp on.

But this—this sight of him on stage was unlike any other moment we had shared together.

Even from my spot in the shadows, I had such a good view of him that, if I squinted my eyes enough and ignored the rest of the surrounding white noise, I could admire him as if we were the only two in the room. But we weren't. He was playing for the audience in the way any true showman would. His eyes coasted over the crowd hungrily, eating up the frenzy that flashed back at him, as his voice glided through the air seamlessly. It was only the very beginning of the show, but already sweat was building along the highest points of his face. His shoulders, wide and covered with inky black lines, glistened with the faintest sheen that only seemed to enhance their sculpted nature.

His voice was truly the star of the show, though. He was playing a few songs he had already shown me before and that I knew were released over the past couple of years, but they still felt new to me. And, if I had to guess, to the crowd as well. Listening to a recording was never quite the same as a live version of it, and Nikau was one of those singers that sounded even better live if that was somehow possible. The excitement only grew when he sang a rendition of Let's Get Married, ensuring that he made eye contact when he jumped off the stage and walked through the crowd. He didn't stop knowing that drawing any attention to me would only cause me to run for the hills, but we escaped for that moment. Just us two.

Sometime later after performing the newest song he had shown me, the music slowed into something vaguely familiar. I didn't quite catch it at first, but then he made a short introduction and I froze up in place. Keali'i noticed right away and looked down at me, brows furrowed. Kanani didn't have to look; she knew what I was thinking.

"This next cover is for a friend of mine who, despite what she might like you to believe, understands music better than anyone else I know."

My breath caught in my chest as he started singing All My Life. It was one of those songs I had always felt could never be done justice by anyone else, but, unsurprisingly, it fit Nikau's voice like it was made for him. For a few seconds, I soaked in the moment. It was something I couldn't have dreamt up and yet everything I could have ever wanted.

And then in an instant, I was transported back in time. My eyes drifted closed, and instead of the venue, I was in my backyard with my dad who twirled me around as we slow danced. I could still feel the breeze against my skin, the heaviness of the air from a fresh rain shower. I felt the rise and fall of my father's chest as he laughed beneath me, but when my hands squeezed shut, all I felt now was myself. Alone even in a crowded room.

I hadn't realized what I was doing until I heard Keali'i's muted voice in the distance calling out for me, and then I looked down at my feet, scrambling to find an exit. I needed to breathe. I needed to think and not think.

I needed to get the hell out of there.