2019

Alex and Zach made kickass beer pong partners.

Between the two of them, they were the undefeated champs by the time we all decided to stop letting our asses get handed to us. If I had actually been the one drinking all of my cups, I probably would have been miserable, but I found myself laughing along with everyone. So loudly, in fact, that I didn't even hear when Nikau finally arrived at the party fashionably late.

My eyes wandered over him carefully, trying not to draw attention to myself. It was that weird phenomenon we all slipped into unintentionally, convinced everyone was staring at us even though they weren't. Realistically, I knew that, because the new face amongst a crowd of people who had mostly known each other their entire lives was never going to go unnoticed.

It also didn't help that everyone was predictably drawn to his kiwi accent whenever he talked. I didn't blame them. (Or myself.)

He carved his way through the crowd, making any necessary introductions and greeting everyone else he already knew. I found myself making a conscious effort to look away every once in a while, even though I still found myself eventually going back to him.

"Did I miss it?" Nikau asked as he walked up beside me while I stacked empty red cups together. "Such a shame."

It was later in the day than I anticipated us staying here, but we were having a good time so I didn't mind it. Since it was a smaller gathering with far fewer people, and especially fewer strangers, it was less suffocating than most house parties I was dragged to. Even when I walked outside and found a place to myself for a few minutes, it never felt like enough at those places. Today, I didn't even need it. I thought about it at some point, but then someone cracked a joke and I found myself laughing along with them.

Cal had recently installed a fire pit in his backyard, so everyone congregated around it as the sun dipped low in the sky, casting a deep orange hue around us. It was still spring, but I didn't find it cold enough to stand near it, as nice as I was sure it was for all of them. I wasn't sold on standing next to any open flame most days.

"You didn't miss much," I replied honestly. "Alex and Zach wiped the floor with all of us. It was embarrassing."

Nikau, standing with his hands tucked into his pockets, leaned into me, forcing me to stick one leg out to keep steady. He laughed at the confused look I shot him and took half a step back. "Can't be that embarrassing for you if you didn't drink anything."

"Maybe I just have impeccable motor skills even while I'm drunk," I stated defiantly.

"We've only seen each other twice before this, and one of those times was when you were munted. I know the difference."

That was a poor attempt on my end. I should have seen it coming.

"Also, Nani almost fell into the fire pit so I'm going to assume she carried your team."

Well, that would explain why Anthony was now strategically placed between her and the fire pit. I hadn't even noticed.

"Anthony said you were working late?"

It wasn't a confirmation I needed. He looked tired and smelled like smoke, the same way I did whenever I ate Korean barbecue. I couldn't help but think about how I would have never agreed to come here if I had worked earlier in the day. There was a strict daily time limit I had for socializing with people, and working in retail meant that allotment was pushed far past its limit every single day I worked. I needed all the time I could get to re-energize after work even just to have a meaningful conversation with my own family, let alone friends.

"You can say I smell like shit," Nikau laughed. "It's fine."

"Please tell me you at least work at a good location." This could make or break someone's experience working at a Korean barbecue restaurant on the island. Some were great with mostly locals. Others were downright miserable like—

"Sik Do Rak."

Oh, god. "Not the—"

"Yup. Waikiki."

I visibly shuddered. "You could not pay me to work in Waikiki. Ever. At any place. That's my literal worst nightmare."

"So I was told. After I got the job."

"Then again, working at Alas or something might be equally as terrible."

His arm brushed against mine as he leaned forward to grab the ping-pong ball from the table.  He tossed it back and forth between his hands, catching it easily. "The view on my walk to work is the only good thing going for me."

"Oh, I can relate," I joked. "I personally love the view of a half-assed rail they're building right outside our store and looks ugly as shit. But the beach is probably alright too."

He smiled at me then, and the familiarity that rang out between us, the one I hadn't realized could exist after only seeing each other thrice, made my skin crawl, which could either be a good or bad thing, but even I wasn't foolish enough to pretend like I didn't know which one it was. Or what it was supposed to be, at least. I didn't know to whom I would admit this out loud even if I wanted to, but I knew it would sound way more dramatic than it needed to. Meeting new people was supposed to be a good thing, and it was something I had always been encouraged to do—smile more, Hokulani; pretend like you're having a good time, Hokulani; get out into the world and make some friends, Hokulani—and I knew forging a connection with someone was a good thing. I guess part of me was concerned I would cling too hard to someone who only planned to be here for a year at most, and the thought of losing another person wasn't something I wanted to entertain.

Then again, I might have been getting too ahead of myself here.

Maybe I used clearing the other end of the table as an excuse to place some space between the two of us, but he was none the wiser or just pretended to be. Either was fine by me.

As far as anybody here was concerned, a Hawai'i house party did not end until someone either whipped out a busted karaoke machine that had less than a year left in it or just an entire guitar themselves, and since Alex's boyfriend played the guitar, what happened next was inevitable.

Passing again without me noticing, I heard the familiar strums of a guitar fly through the air in a wispy, dream-like pattern. I didn't need to turn around to know that the birthday boy now had the party's full attention. I imagined it all unfolding in front of me like a scene out of a movie, right after the resolution of the movie where everyone got together one last time. (His choice of Good Riddance by Green Day only aided in this cinematic vision.)

To my surprise, Nikau waited by the table for me to finish cleaning, though he didn't move any closer, choosing to lean against the table instead with his arms crossed as he watched the scene unfold in front of him. Maybe he did it unintentionally, but I felt like we were on the same side of the universe admiring the show in front of us, and it was strangely comforting.

Wordlessly, once I had collected all of the cups, including those that had fallen onto the grass, he held out a paper Safeway bag so I could throw all of them inside. He walked it over to the side of the house for me where Cal said he kept the recycling, and I sat on the grass only slightly away from the rest of the group so I didn't look like I was trying to hide.

When Nikau returned, he joined me.

As someone passionate about music, watching someone else get lost in it was like watching them transform into another person. The notes felt tangible, and they seemed to take hold of them in a way nothing else ever could. I felt it myself every time that I played, and like muscle memory that had been triggered, I found my fingers moving along with each new note he played, brushing against the grass or tapping my leg.

My favorite thing about music was that it was a language everyone spoke in one way or another, even if they didn't play it themselves. It was easily learned, interpreted in its own way, and understood across any culture. The best kind of music, in my opinion, didn't even need words to convey a message. You could just let it do all the talking, and the rest of the world would listen. I even listened to it when all I wanted was for the rest of the world to go silent.

I knew Zach claimed to only be a casual guitar player—maybe he just didn't want people to think they would hear his band's music on the radio; maybe it was some familiar tinge of imposter syndrome—but there was nothing casual about the way he fell into his music. He clearly loved it, regardless of how often he partook in it. As much of a hard time as I had applying this logic to myself, I got the sense he undermined his talents a lot, and hated that for him. I only hoped that he was capable of recognizing it in the way Alex watched him, as if they were placed in this world to end up next to each other.

Once the song ended, everyone clapped. Someone whistled. It was definitely Anthony that shouted hana hou! Zach looked out humbly before his eyes landed on me. He had no idea I played music, as far as I knew, but I still froze up, afraid that he would put me on the spot and ask me to play something. Of course, I would feel obligated to because rejecting someone on their birthday would be shit, even if I would hate it the entire time. I hadn't played in front of anyone else in so long that I wasn't sure if I ever would again, not unless I had no idea they were there.

My hands flew beside me as if bracing for that unwanted spotlight, and my pinky brushed against Nikau's hand. I didn't pull away.

"Anything new you can show us, Nik?"

I exhaled with relief. Only marginally, since everyone else still looked over at us, and my hand flew back to my lap as inconspicuous as I could. But, once again, their attention only shined on the true star in our presence.

Unlike me, Nikau didn't shy away from it. While Zach walked over with his guitar, Nikau slid off his leather jacket and adjusted the hair tie wrapped around his bun. A bead on the end of his bracelet clinked against the shiny wood as he sat back down, and I scooted back to allow him space. His eyes fell briefly to the space now placed between us before he looked back down to test the strings.

"This is probably very rough but don't mind me," he said before he started his song.

This wasn't a real concern because I knew for a fact that there was no way anybody could pay attention to anything else, but if someone had been watching me, there was probably a lot they could say about me. More specifically, the way I likely looked like I had been cast under a spell. That was what it felt like from the very first note. It was undeniable, and I was front row to the magic show itself.

His voice was incredibly smooth and molded beautifully to the sound of the melody. It glistened like a glassy wave beneath the sharp interjecting notes that skipped around it, but they all came from the same place so it blended as if one single entity. I wasn't so much as listening to the words—as breathtaking as they were; living, breathing poetry strung together—as I was breathing them in. My eyes closed gently, and my chest rose in a steady rhythm, imagining the sound in colors. They swirled around me in infinite saturation, even as the world blurred into nothing.

It was then, under the recesses of my vast openness—I imagined a black hole that led nowhere; a space created out of force and not a willingness to explore—that I felt an invisible string tie itself to his music and wrap around my heart. A comforting embrace or a restricting line that cut deep into me, I couldn't be sure. But I felt it there, felt it everywhere, felt like I existed nowhere.

He was a star; I knew it then. And I was a tiny speck of dust on some dying earth, admiring him from afar and up close all at once.

...

Alex found me wandering the streets of Kaimuki.

While I had politely excused myself from my conversation with Nikau—one that had gone on longer than I realized after eventually seeing how dark it had gotten without me noticing—to take some time for myself, I didn't mind her company, even if it was a surprise. A cool breeze coasted over us, and a blanket of twinkling lights shimmered faintly above our heads like they were running out of batteries. (Same, I thought.)

Two measured breaths transpired over the time it took me to spin around at the sound of her footsteps and thin voice shooting toward me. Her dark waves had been piled up into a bun at the top of her head with a bright green scrunchie with small pieces that had fallen out, framing her freckle-dusted face.

She used to joke about how I was the avid runner and she was the avid runner-away. Maybe she was the one I got that wishful thinking from, the idea that I could be someone who could run away. It was something she always talked about before, even as a young child, wanting to get away from everything. As if running away from your problems was something as easy as that. Buy the ticket, hop on the plane, and find a destination that only you knew.

It made sense that she knew where to find me.

"I know your legs are, like, a mile long but do you mind—" She paused to catch her breath and I chuckled. "Sorry, do you mind just walking... very slow for me. Just for a few minutes while I try not to barf."

Maybe my mind had wandered a lot further than I thought it did, but I didn't think I had walked that far, nor did it seem that long. But even if it was, it wasn't like I was going anywhere.

I held up my phone that I had enough foresight to remember to bring so nobody, least of all my inebriated, and therefore unpredictable, sister would freak out wondering where I went. There was nothing cute or quirky about being the party pooper that ruins the vibes because everybody has to pause the music to send out a search party for someone who wasn't lost.

Debatable, I supposed, depending on what definition of lost was being applied to me.

"You could've just shot me a text asking if I was okay."

"But I wasn't just trying to check if you were okay," she quickly reacted, falling into step beside me. I slowed my pace so she didn't feel the need to exert more energy than she already had.

"So, you needed a break too?"

Alex laughed and it felt like watching an old VHS tape of my childhood. "When do I ever not? I love them all to pieces but a girl needs some fresh air sometimes, you know?"

Alex was a fellow introvert, but I never got the impression it dragged her down quite as much as it did me. If it did, she was a much better performer than I was. Or maybe that was just some self-absorbed part of me that was stuck in this victim mentality as if I was the only one suffering through the inner turmoil that seemed to plague my daily thoughts. It was tempting to ask her if she thought I was good at handling it, but that would be out of the blue and she would likely respond along the lines of not wanting to answer since we didn't spend enough time together for her to form an opinion. Even if she had, my brain would likely not believe it anyway. I somehow always found a way to convince myself that everyone was being nicer to me than they meant to be. A charity project they brought along to say here, we are playing nice with the eternal rainstorm of a depressed girl. Aren't we such good people?

Yes, they were, Yes, that was what I was.

"Feels like it's been forever since I walked around here," she commented softly, thoughtfully, as if she was lost in a memory from long ago. "Pretty sure it was when this girl threw her drink in my face."

"When a girl did what?"

Alex casually waved off my concern. "It's fine, we worked it out. But I bolted out of there, obviously, and Emmie came running out after me. I was so miserable after that, and I was convinced I was never going to leave my house ever again. But, if I hadn't run and she hadn't followed me, I'm not sure any of us would be here right now, so I guess it all worked out in the end."

I wasn't sure if I would ever emotionally recover from having a drink thrown at me at a party, but maybe it was a good reason I didn't go to them as often, and if I did, I avoided talking to everyone I didn't know.

Pushing those thoughts aside, I was happy to see Alex in such high spirits. Her smile was infectious, and I found myself mimicking the expression on her face.

"So, you and Zach have been together for a year now?"

"Yeah, officially." Being in love was a good look on her. I hope it stayed for a long time. "Feels like a lot longer, for obvious reasons, but we're happy. It's kind of disgusting."

I laughed and gave her a gentle shove with my shoulder. "Have fun with it, please. You deserve to be happy. And if he's part of that, then there's nothing disgusting about that."

Alex, like me, prided herself on her ability to be alone, but I always knew she didn't like being lonely. There was a big difference, and she proved that with the kind of company she kept. Even though she needed her breaks like right now, they never lasted forever. Eventually, the sky stopped raining, and she ventured back out to watch the rainbow before it faded away.

"Do you ever just—" She drifted off, pausing briefly to collect her thoughts. "Have this plan for yourself that feels like the obvious thing, and then someone comes in and ruins it so badly that you get kind of mad? But, like, mad because it's a good kind of ruin. Like they saved you from yourself."

She looked so damn happy, so blissfully in love, that I knew I wasn't going to rain on her parade by giving her my real answer. Thankfully, it didn't seem like she would notice that I was lying anyway. Not because she didn't care, but because she was finally at that part of her life where everything fell into place after being discombobulated for so long.

"Not yet but maybe one day," I answered, doing my best not to show my hand. She's lying, your honor. She doesn't believe that for a second.

"Dad said to say hi, by the way."

"Tell Uncle I said hi, too. Are you back at the house again?"

"Oh, no. I'm still living with my roommate," she answered. A dog started barking from one of the houses, and we hurried past quickly. The returning silence fell on us like a warm blanket. "He was out on the westside for a treatment program for a few months about a year ago, but he's back at the house and seeing a therapist and all that. Anthony still takes care of him, and we both think it's probably best he stays there for a little bit more, just to be safe. He's doing better but it's never a straight road, right? I think Anthony wants to move in with Kaioh soon, though. I heard them talking about it when I went over the other week."

"He still does that thing where he talks loud on the phone and acts surprised when everyone knows all of his business?"

"Yup."

"Nice."

"Dad still has his good days and his bad days, but we've been working through it together as a family. I even started seeing a therapist because of him." Her eyes widened. "I mean, not because of him like—just that he always talks about how much it helps him so I thought I would give it a chance."

I laughed. "No worries, I got you."

"It felt kind of weird at first, just talking to a stranger about my life and everything stuck in my head. But after a few sessions, I realized how much it felt like... this huge weight was lifting off my shoulders. Not all at once or anything. But it's there, you know?"

"Sure. I'm glad it's helping you out."

"Have you ever thought about seeing someone?"

"Me?" I asked and pointed at my chest. Alex nodded, so I asked again and she repeated the gesture with an eye roll. "Can you imagine me going to therapy? I barely talk to anyone who doesn't live with me."

"Don't you have that one friend... Kai-something."

"Well, yeah, but we've known each other since we were in diapers. And I lowkey use him for—stuff. Sometimes."

A knowing smile rose to her lips. "Stuff."

"It's a mutually beneficial arrangement."

Alex held up her hands with a laugh. "No judgment here. Cal and I used to have a mutually beneficial arrangement before Zach and I got together."

Whatever assumptions I might have had about how this conversation was going to go, they did not include this. "Alex. You're not serious."

"I know, our friend group is weird. Just don't think about it too much."

"But he willingly drinks strawberry milk with his lunch. With a bendy straw. Multiple times. There's no way you've slept with him."

"I have but I was not aware that was a thing and I will absolutely be using that for our next argument, thank you."

Far be it from me to judge her past sexual escapes when, now that I thought about it, I remember seeing strawberry milk in Kaipo's fridge once, so I had no ground to stand on. (As far as I was aware, though, Kaipo did not drink it out of a bendy straw.) (I wasn't sure if Alex would find that better or worse, so I didn't bring it up.)

Sensing this deviation in our conversation wasn't something that needed more development, Alex redirected back to the only slightly less outlandish topic of family matters, checking in on how mom was doing. Although I imagined she would be one of the more understanding people if I opened up about how my mother was more or less stuck in that same unsteady place her father had been for a long time, I didn't want to burden her with that either, especially since it wasn't entirely my place to share my mother's struggles.

"Maybe we can all have dinner sometime," Alex offered after I finished lying through my teeth. We're all good. A big happy family with all of the pieces there. No, there isn't a hole in my chest I've yet to learn how to fill. "You looked more relaxed when Nik was around."

"Did I?"

She nodded. "Not that you looked bad before but, you know." She recognized the difference. "You know what's funny? I ran into him last year in Seattle, playing by the pier."

"Really? Small world."

"I know you guys don't fly very often but when you meet other Pasifika on the mainland or something, it always brings you back home. You feel connected to them." She looked at me briefly before turning back. "Maybe that's why you two get along so well."

"I think it's 'cause I'm slightly tolerable to be around."

Allowing me to wallow in my self-deprecating misery, Alex laughed. "Sure. We'll go with that."