2019

I liked to think I was an adventurous person, but that was probably wishful thinking.

Case in point: having to get pep talked into going to this house party from my sister who's seven years my junior.

When my older sister Kanani called during my lunch break to invite me, I had immediately declined the offer. Even though I preferred house parties over going to the club or anything similar, it was more of a lesser-of-two-evils sort of deal. I didn't particularly enjoy it. My feelings were likely more akin to I endured them. And when she'd relayed that it was happening at a house in Kailua, I was even less inclined to attend. Parties in Kailua nowadays were mostly for rich people or haoles and I was neither.

It was my worst nightmare rolled into one proposition.

The only reason I'd said yes, in the end, was because she told me Anthony Rivera was going.

It had been longer than any of us would have liked to admit since we hung out with Anthony, Kanani's best friend from childhood. Moving to another part of the island was an obstacle itself, but the biggest was taking care of his father and sister, a self-imposed responsibility he took seriously. Last I'd heard, they were all doing a lot better for the most part, which was probably why we were going to see him tonight. Whatever it was, I was going to take advantage of it. Anthony Rivera was someone worth keeping around.

"Can we please leave by eleven tonight, Nani?" I asked my sister as we trekked across the front yard of a stranger's house. Kanani had opted for supplying poke while I'd picked up a case of beer. We were walking into this party with a handful of gold. "I have a headache and I don't want to be stuck around these people all night."

It was a bit more wishful thinking on my part to ask my sister to leave a party at a reasonable hour. While she played the part of responsible sister well at home, she threw caution to the wind once she let herself out for the night. Admittedly, she took on a similar role to Anthony, albeit with debatably less baggage.

Or maybe the Kahananui women were just better at hiding their feelings than the Rivera family was.

"Kanani." I snapped my fingers in front of her face when she didn't answer me. "I'm being serious."

"And I think you need to be a little less serious," she retorted, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

Every once in a while, I was struck by my sister's beauty. The only person from whom she believed compliments about it was her boyfriend, but I couldn't tell if it was simply because they were in love or because Keali'i had that air about him that made it impossible to believe he was telling anything but the truth. Either way, it made it easy to get along with him. Unlike me, forgetful about making my feelings known to those around me, he never failed to remind Kanani of how much he loved her, and how beautiful he thought she was.

"You can enjoy yourself tonight, you know," Kanani continued. The light afternoon drizzle made the grass squeak beneath our slippers. "That's what parties are for. That, and making good first impressions."

"And who am I supposed to be making a good impression on?" I looked up precariously at the house as we drew closer. Buildings of any size were inanimate objects most capable of looking intimidating. I might as well be an ant staring up at a mountain.

"I don't know." Kanani shrugged. "Maybe a cute guy. Who knows."

I recoiled at the thought. "No sensible person goes after a guy they meet at a party, let alone a party in Kailua."

"Alex met her boyfriend at a party." Anthony's sister.

"That's because Alex is a pessimist when it comes to her love life. She was bound to meet him at as hopeless of a place as a party." We were steps away from the house now and it looked even more daunting this close. "And it was a little more complicated than just meeting a guy at a party. You know that."

"Sure, but that doesn't fit my narrative."

I rolled my eyes.

Braving an eight-foot wave seemed more appealing at this point, but we were at the point of no return and Kanani rapped her knuckles against the door before I could tell her I'd decided against staying.

The door swung open to reveal Anthony Rivera himself, perfectly tanned, curls disheveled, and wearing that signature grin that shined in his prom king photos. I'd spent so long knowing that smile that seeing it again for the first time in years felt like a wave sweeping away any lines in the sand. It didn't matter how much time had passed; Anthony was family. The brother we never had.

Judging by the near-empty bottle in his hands and the smell of pakalolo wafting off him, Anthony was already enjoying himself.

Good for him. Even if I hated the smell of it.

After greeting my sister, he angled around the box of beer and pulled me in for a hug. A familiar touch that both elated and reminded me of all the ways our lives had changed since we last enjoyed ourselves together. Sometimes it seems like the last time I was truly happy was when he was still a constant present figure. "Don't be mad but I bet Nani ten bucks you wouldn't show up tonight."

"I'm honestly not even offended. I would've taken that bet, too."

He flashed me another smile before tugging me into the house after I quickly discarded my slippers outside the front door amongst the pile of other slippers and shoes. "Were you always this tall?"

"Yes." No. I'd grown a few inches since the last time we hung out. Now we were eye-to-eye at our height of five foot ten.

"Liar."

"Don't you have ten bucks to give my sister?"

Kanani laughed and held out her hand, fingers wiggling.

He reached into his pocket for the prize and slapped it onto her palm. "I'll get you next time."

She pocketed it. "Bold of you to think you know my sister better than I do."

"Fair enough."

It was probably all in my head, but I was right to be filled with dread over this party. Inviting Anthony over to the house would have been a better alternative.

Objectively, none of these people were horrible. I just didn't have an interest in any of them. Maybe that made me a terrible person for being so close-minded, but I couldn't help but feel lost even in a sea of people, barely bobbing along and keeping my head above water. All it took was one breath of stifled air and I had to suppress the need to run in the other direction. Clinging to both Kanani and Anthony's arms were the only safety measures I could employ to keep from going under.

We were guided to the kitchen where all of the food and drinks were situated. After popping a few of my beers into one of the coolers, I turned to see Kanani already dishing out some of the poke to other partygoers. Another thing I admired about her. No matter where she went, she fit in. I wondered what going through life must be like to not be hindered by something as simple as striking up a conversation with strangers.

Instead of wallowing in my self-misery, I cracked open a cold one and took a long sip.

Guava Jelly by Ka'au Crater Boys carried me into the living room where I decided to hang out on the outskirts as the rest of the party carried on. It was still early in the night, so while there was a good group of people already there, it wasn't as full as I knew it would end up. People sang karaoke. Some kept eating to their heart's content. Others played drinking games. I existed somewhere on a different plane, not quite far enough away to be unaware but not close enough to feel like I belonged. Watching my sister float around the room like a butterfly, clinging to each new flower as her own, highlighted that feeling.

It wasn't until a familiar face broke into my line of sight that I was pulled back down to Earth.

There was something to be said about the comfort of familiarity. I'd once read online that a lot of people who deal with depression and anxiety tend to rewatch the same TV shows and movies over and over and over again because they like the routine. Being able to know what was going to happen next was like a consolation prize for all the shit that happened in our lives. I didn't want to think about how many times I'd seen My Neighbor Totoro in the last month alone.

Maybe that was why my heartbeat steadied into something calmer when Kaipo sidled up beside me. I hadn't known he was going to be here tonight since we hadn't talked in a few days, but it wasn't a surprise to see him here either. Island life was a jumbled mess with more junctions than I cared to cross and we'd run into each other on more than one occasion when we hadn't intended to.

Despite our lack of any real commitment, we were bound together by a history that spanned decades and took comfort in each other when the rest of the world became too much. His presence was appreciated even as a happy coincidence.

"We should play a new drinking game," I told him as he leaned against the wall next to me with a Heineken bottle in his hand. "Take a shot every time one Hawaiian braddah with a name that starts with K walks in."

He laughed. "We'd all be knocked out."

"Sounds like a good time." I took a sip of beer and tapped my bottle against his. "What are you even doing here? Don't you work early tomorrow?"

"I think I'm scheduled to be sick tomorrow, actually." He glanced around the room. "And I'm obviously here for the free beer and food."

"Of course."

Kaipo glimpsed down at me; a quick peek with minimal concern. Unlike him, it was a surprise to see me here. "How did Nani get you here?"

Before I answered, the karaoke song changed and a familiar melody skipped around the room. I'd heard it enough to last a lifetime, but it was one of the few songs on the radio that I didn't mind. For obvious reasons. Kaipo, however, didn't find those same reasons and he immediately grimaced upon recognizing the song of the summer—a feat that was impressive in itself considering it dropped almost a year ago.

"God, not this thing again," he groaned.

I smacked his arm. Hard. "Eh, watch your mouth."

"What?" He rubbed the sore spot. "I hear this damn thing every single day. Not so Abstract Blue when you're playing everywhere."

"And we will keep playing it everywhere. They're local, jackass. And the lead singer is kanaka. Don't even think about disrespecting her around me."

He rolled his eyes but laughed. "Fine. Have it your way."

"I will. Thank you."

As tempting as it was to drag him upstairs and follow through with our usual routine, I forced myself to stay downstairs and pretend like I was enjoying the party. Maybe if I tried hard enough, I actually would at some point; I probably shouldn't complain when I was only barely giving it a shot in the first place. If Kaipo wanted to get away for a while, he didn't seem disappointed. He was content with keeping me company even though I wasn't the best of it. Anthony eventually came over to catch up with Kaipo and me. Like the best kind of friends, it was like the years between us had never existed in the first place, and we fell easily into our usual routine whenever we were around each other.

...

At some point after a handful of people had arrived, I decided to step out onto the deck for some fresh air. I'd been through enough beer that I almost stumbled over my own feet but managed to right myself before tumbling over.

The chair that caught my fall didn't stop the guy who was already standing outside from watching all of it.

"Oops," I laughed as I dusted my hands off. From what, I had no idea. It seemed like the only thing to do with them. "Sorry, I didn't realize someone was out here."

His lips twitched. "Not like I own the place. You can stand out here too."

That accent. I knew it but couldn't decipher it through the boozy haze.

"If you want the privacy—"

"Do you need to sit down?" He asked. His eyes drifted down to my slightly wobbly legs and I felt heat along every inch of my body. His gaze only spared me some concern so it wasn't like I was uncomfortable because of him. I was just hyper-aware of how attractive this man was.

His hair was pulled back into a bun near the crown of his head; a look I wasn't particularly fond of but he somehow made it work. Tattoos adorned his entire left arm and I instantly recognized the inky lines as Polynesian, though I was far enough away to not be able to read the details clearly. A gust of wind carried his cologne over to me, and the warm scent reminded me of what it felt like to stand next to a fire during the cold winter months when we visited the Big Island.

For a second, I let my eyes drift closed. The breeze felt nice.

After a few beats, the guy cleared his throat. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Before I could second guess myself, I drifted over to him and lowered myself to the ground next to his feet, tucking my legs under the railing so they dangled over the edge. He quickly followed suit and his proximity allowed me to easily see his tattoos. As a result of all the beer I'd had, my fingers itched to drag along the smooth skin like a surfboard gliding along the top of a wave.

I mentally smacked myself in the face.

"I've always wanted to go to Aotearoa," I said instead of putting my foot in my mouth. Unless I was hearing things and he wasn't actually from there. I would die on the spot.

Thankfully, his smile informed me I'd guessed right. "It's beautiful."

"Living as a hobbit is also a dream of mine."

The man laughed again and it sounded nice enough that I even cracked a smile myself. As I turned back out toward Kailua, the tiny spark within me dimmed once again.

"Not that I'm saying hobbits and Lord of the Rings is all there is there."

"You're alright. I got you."

"I might be a little drunk."

"A little?" he mused.

I tapped the side of my thigh out of nervousness. I really wasn't the best at making small talk with strangers. Especially ones as handsome as he was. "My sister was right."

He looked behind us inside the house. "Which one is your sister?"

"Local girl," I said and he laughed as if that was something he needed to be clarified, "that everyone is laughing with."

She was hard to miss. Even now as I turned to spare a glance at the party, she was surrounded by a group of people who looked entranced by every word she deemed them worthy enough to hear. God, I hated how easy it was to be jealous of her. Of her beauty and the way she seemed so in control of herself when I was constantly flailing around, trying to grab ahold of anything. It wasn't her fault I was sandwiched between two sisters who were infinitely braver than I ever felt, even amidst the mundane aspects of life.

I turned with a huff, frustrated not at the rest of the world but myself, and the guy next to me did his best to pretend like he didn't notice.

"And what is she right about?"

"She said parties are for making good first impressions."

He remained silent for a beat and I felt the island's continued breathing in each second that passed between us. Bathing under soft rays of moonlight, I felt the stranger's eyes on me, trying to figure me out. If only I knew a damn thing about me.

"Are you under the illusion you don't make good first impressions?" he asked.

I scoffed, keeping my eyes trained ahead. "I know I don't."

"Just 'cause you're not like your sister doesn't mean you're making a bad first impression."

He somehow managed to read me in a matter of seconds. I squirmed under his gaze now, suddenly wishing I had stayed by Kaipo's side instead. Kaipo was easy and predictable. The sort of familiarity that made him easy to be around. He never pushed. He simply existed beside me when I wanted the rest of the world to not.

"You got all that already, huh." I laughed dryly.

He ducked his head to try and catch my eye. "I know a thing or two about feeling like the family disappointment. Not that you are," he quickly added.

"You don't know a thing about me. You don't even know my name."

"Call it a hunch." He held out his hand and I stared down at it, unmoving. "Nikau."

I eyed his outstretched hand before realizing I was the one that made the first move by coming out here and sitting with him. Plus, Kaipo was right inside by the door, and Kanani and Anthony weren't likely to be far away either.

Tentatively, I reached out and grasped his hand, cool to the touch and much larger than mine.

"Hokulani. Everyone calls me Hoku."

"And what do you prefer?"

It was a simple question. It shouldn't have unraveled me as much as it did.

"Hokulani," I answered.

"Nice to meet you, Hokulani."

I retracted my hand. "And you, Nikau."