He was 5 years old when he saw his father kiss his mother for the first time. They never realised that he was there when they had blocked the door with their bodies. His father was a big man- He was huge. He was infinite. He was the tidal wave that swept them all off their feet while his mother was small, delicate, young and beautiful. Her blonde hair was styled in short curls that barely grazed her shoulders and her light pink pleated dress swept gently over her knees as she walked. His father had pinned her to the door behind her, grabbing at her hips and her back and squeezing every bit off flesh he could lay claim to. His body engulfed hers beneath his as he pressed her almost painfully into the gold door-handle digging into her back. He couldn't understand the sounds she made as she grasped the back of his neck nor the squeal that escaped her lips as his hands squeezed the top of her dress...

She was whispering something over and over again as she kissed his father but he was too far away to hear it. It didn't seem as if his father was hurting her this time. She would have been trying to fight him back if he was hurting her but she didn't.

His eyes widened as his father wrapped his massive hand around his mother's throat, clenching and unclenching it. Her eyes opened and she began scrabbling at his chest as if it would let her go yet it only prompted him to tighten his hold. She was gasping now- she couldn't breathe as his lips crushed hers. Her face began to turn red as he gripped her hips to his, suffocating her beneath him. She cried, yet her yells were swallowed up by his mouth as she scratched at any surface she could reach...

He was hurting her. He was hurting her and he wouldn't let go...

Till her eyes rolled back into her head and she collapsed in his arms.

The shower barely masked the sound her vomiting as he left their flat. He could still hear her- even hours later as his stomach contracted with each push-up. It had drowned out the sounds of the music blaring throughout the small gym as he tried beating his thoughts out of his mind. Nothing worked though- no matter what he did, he couldn't forget the way she flinched at his touch or the way she practically begged for him to leave her alone. She sounded like his mother yelling at his father to leave her alone- But unlike Zaheer, Riaz wouldn't stick around to hurt her anymore. He glanced at the clock above him, barely phased that it was past midnight. He stood up, cracking his neck and wincing at the pull in his muscles as he began to walk away.

He couldn't understand it. He was sure he didn't hurt her. He was gentle with her- he made sure of it. He could see that she enjoyed it. He knew what it looked like when a woman enjoyed his touch and he knew she enjoyed it. He could still feel her breath against his chest and he could feel her fingernails digging into his arm as if prompting him to continue...

He didn't know what happened.

He knew he never meant to hurt her but hearing her wretch violently from behind the bathroom door told him otherwise. He made his way slowly across the two blocks, feeling awkward to walk back in. The hallway to their flat was dark, almost pitch black. His steps were softened by the soft tiles beneath his feet yet still it felt as if it were too loud. He didn't want her to know that he was back.

He didn't want her to know that he wished she hadn't asked him to stop.

The soft glow of the full moon shone down on her sleeping figure like glitter floating through the window. He could smell her shampoo and feel the dampness of her skin as he brought her sheet up to cover her exposed shoulders. "I'm sorry Tasneem."

I am so, so sorry...

She knew she felt something slide down her throat when he kissed her. She thought she was imagining it but as soon as the throbbing in her head began, she knew. He was smart enough not to force her to take it but there were times that he would sneak it past her lips and by the time she realised it- she would feel heady and dizzy and it would be far too late. She felt as if her very blood was on fire. She burnt all over, feeling even worse as he settled between her legs. She hated that pill- she could never even begin to try to control her body as every nerve, and muscle and joint fought against her. Her heart thudded heavily against her ribs and her breaths had become so fast, she could barely capture enough oxygen into her lungs.

He loved it. He loved the effect it took on her body. He loved knowing she would become compliant to his whims as the chemicals wrought havoc on her body. She couldn't stop it- She couldn't stop her nerves from reacting to his touch neither could she stop the effects of the excessive release of dopamine coursing throughout her veins. He loved the way she tugged against her bedsheets and she way she bit her lips trying to hold in her voice. He knew she wanted to scream out for him but she was too damned stubborn so she would bite herself till she bled. He didn't mind that- he loved the taste of her blood on his tongue as he captured her lips between his own...

She hated it. She wished for him to be over and done with but the nights he slipped her a pill were the worst. He never wanted to waste even a minute of it...

She wished she was dead.

She could feel the soft material of her sheet brush against her skin and she could feel him kneeling behind her but she couldn't turn around. She couldn't turn around and look at him knowing how disgusting she really was. She was ashamed- she was so, so ashamed of the fact that he wasn't the first man to have ever made her feel such...

She wished he was her first. God, she wished it so badly. She wished he was her first kiss, her first touch, her first...

Everything.

But he wasn't. Her firsts had been snatched away from her and her body had enjoyed it. How could she have ever climaxed at his touch. It was a perversion. It was an act that defiled her very nature. It was a disgrace- she was a disgrace and she couldn't let him touch her again. She hated it. She hated knowing that her own brother made her body feel the way it had and that she had chased after that same feeling when Riaz first touched her.

She had wanted it. She had wanted to feel that way again but how could she have wanted to feel such pleasure again. Why was her body playing such cruel tricks on her that she had leaned so heavily against him, prompting him to continue? She stuffed her knuckles into her mouth, biting down on them as hard as she could to muffle her quiet thoughts.

She could feel her legs and arms begin to quiver and shake with her thoughts. She wanted it to stop. She wanted her thoughts and memories and feeling to just stop. She wished she could fade away into oblivion where nothing else existed... She wished she never existed but wishes were only that-

Wishes.

They never came true.

...

The island of stone and moss

Echoed in the secret of its grottoes

Like the song in your mouth

And the flower that was born

And the steep rock raised

Like the wall of the world,

Knew my song well, beloved,

And all the things spoke of

Your love, my love, beloved

Because the earth, time, sea, Island

Life, tide

The seed that half opens

Its lips in the earth

The devouring flower

The movement of spring

Everything recognises us.

He woke up to the sound of the shower running, masking the faint yells coming from within its walls. He could hear her pained cries and her hoarse shouts as steam began to billow out from the small gap beneath the door. He got up, walking in blurred darkness towards the bathroom. "Tasneem?"He knocked at the door, "Tasneem!"

She couldn't hear him above the sound of her own voice echoing off the glass stall.

He turned the knob, surprised to see it give way before he walked slowly inside. He could make out her clothed form from behind the stained glass as she huddled beneath the pelting jets of the water above her. "I want my body back."

I want my body back.

I want my body back.

I want my body back.

I want my body back.

I want my body back.

He slid open the shower doors, kneeling down on the ground in front of her. He could hear her whispered pleas as she hid her face behind her palms, rocking to and fro beneath the warm water. "I want my body back. He's taken it and he hasn't given it back."

He stood up and stepped into the shower with her...

"I just want my body back." She chanted over and over again.

He sat down beside her, drenching his pyjama pants, before he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to rest against his side.

She huddled into him, curling her body against his own as she finally surrendered her heartache to someone else. Just once, she needed to share it. Just once, she needed to know that someone would help her bear it.

Just once.

She held onto his warmth, tears mixing with water, as she cried for all of her sorrows and her heartache and her pain.

She cried for herself and she cried for what she had lost.

She cried for her lost innocence and her first times.

She cried-

Just for her.

For Tasneem.

The one who was never coming back.

Our love was born

Outside the walls

In the wind

In the night

In the earth

And that's why the clay and the flower

The mud and the roots

Know your name...

She was exhausted.

Her body had sagged against his, shivering under the warm water as it soaked through her clothes. He could feel her wary heart and mind shut down against his chest as her cries softened into sniffles. Her hair was plastered to her scalp and her clothes were stuck to her body only causing her to shiver even more.

"You need to get out of these clothes, Little Bee." He said softly, looking down at her. "You'll catch a cold otherwise."

She looked up at him as if noticing him for the first time. Her eyes were red-rimmed and they burned to stare up at him for too long. "You need to change too." She rested her head against his arm once again, selfish in seeking out whatever comfort he offered.

He stood up, jostling her a little before he turned the 2 silver knobs attached to the wall. "Come on." He offered her his hand, waiting patiently for Tasneem to reach up and grab it.

Her movements were slow and cautious; her eyes never leaving his for a second. He felt the barest touch against his palm as the tips of her fingers brushed against his skin...

And that's why the clay and the flower

The mud and the roots

Know your name

And know that my mouth joined yours...

Riaz pulled her up slowly, steadying her against his side as he grabbed a large towel from the rail against the wall. His movements were gentle and unhurried as he wiped her hair first then ran the edge of the towel over her face before wrapping it loosely around her body. "You need to take out your clothes." He was about to step out of the shower when he felt her hand close over his own.

"Don't." she looked down at her toes, scrunching them slightly before she looked back at him. "Close your eyes but please don't go."

He hadn't lost the meaning behind her words. He knew what it meant for her to ask him to stay...

She was dropping one more barrier and he loved her even more for it.

Because we're sown together in the earth

And we alone did not know it

And that we grow together

And flower together

And therefore

When we pass

Your name is on the petals

Of the rose that grows on the stone...

He felt her fingers against his own.

He opened his eyes gazing down at her body wrapped only in a large, beige bath towel. Her clothes had been tossed into the corner and he knew she wore nothing beneath. She walked past him, still holding his hands, prompting him to follow...

They know it all

We have no secrets

We have grown together

But we did not know it.

"Since we came here," her voice was soft as she looked at him through the mirror, "I've tried to look at myself in the mirror but I still haven't found who I'm looking for." She looked back at herself. Her eyes roved over her wet hair plastered to her scalp, over her face towards her chest... Yet still she didn't know what she was looking at.

"Who are you looking for?"

"Me."

Just me...

The sea knows our love, the stones

Of the rocky height

Know that our kisses flowered

With infinite purity

As in their crevices a scarlet

Mouth dawns

Just as our love and the kiss

That joins your mouth and mine

In an eternal flower.

She smiled at him sadly, meeting his green eyes in the mirror. "I just want to find me again."

"But you're right here, Little Bee." His grip tightened around her fingers as he stepped just a little closer to her. "You're right here but you're just not looking hard enough."

"Then show me..."

Love, love

Spring

Offers us sky

But he dark earth

Is our name

Our love belongs to all time and the earth...

He moved till he was standing right behind her, towering over her, before he joined both their hands together. "You're right here..." He moved their hands gently over her scalp, their fingers running over the tiny knots gathered along her path, before he gently pressed her fingertips against her closed eyes. "You're right here." He whispered in her ear, feeling the tiny goosebumps on her back press against his chest. "You just need to see what I see every day."

"And what do you see?" She opened her eyes slowly as he ran her fingers along the swell of her lips, watching her tongue follow its course.

"I see you." His voice was even and measured as he spoke into her ear once again.

"I see someone who's strong..." Their hands moved lower over her chin and down the gentle column of her neck.

"Someone who's beautiful..." Her heart was beating madly in her throat as their hands skimmed over the soft skin above her towel. She could see the tiny hairs along her body stand as their hands brushed past it and she could feel the thousands of goosebumps erupt from all over her body as his voice tickled the side of her neck.

"Someone who's kind and gentle..." Their hands dipped between the line of her cleavage...

"Someone who's loving..." Her hands shook as they brushed past her covered breasts before moving over her ribs.

"Someone who's independent and proud..." The rough strands of his blonde stubble brushed against her cheek as he joined their bodies together...

"Someone..." He gathered her to his chest, crossing their arms over her stomach...

"Someone?" Her voice sounded husky to her own ears as she rested her head against his chest.

"Someone who sees me."

Loving each other, my arm

Beneath your neck of sand

We shall wait

As earth and time change

As the leaves fall

From the silent climbing vines

As autumn departs

Through the broken window...

She turned her head, looking at him looking down at her.

"I'll always see you." She said softly as she brushing her thumb gently over his knuckles.

She wanted to kiss him.

She wanted to kiss him so badly that it hurt...

She turned slightly, never breaking out of his hold before running her hand softly over his chest. His heart was beating as fast as her own as she smoothed her fingertip over his bottom lip.

I want to kiss you Riaz.

She leaned up, standing on her tip toes, scant millimetres from his mouth...

Winter

Will seek us, my love

Always

It will seek us, because we know it

Because we do not fear it

Because we have

With us

Fire

Forever,

Spring with us

Forever...

She could feel the pulse in his wrist ticking almost erratically beneath her own thumb as she drew nearer to him...

Closer...

Closer...

Closer...

And that's why the clay and the flower

The mud and the roots

Know your name

And know that my mouth

Joined yours, love,

My mouth

Joined yours.

She felt his lips brush against her own...

Just lips against lips.

Her first kiss. Her first of many firsts.

Just his lips against her own,

His heart against her own...

And like that- she felt magic behind her eyes...

A/N The poem used in this chapter was adapted from Epithalamium  by Pablo Neruda.