A moment of happiness,

You and I sitting on a verandah,

Apparently two, but one in soul, you and I.

We feel the flowing water of life here,

You and I, with the garden's beauty

And the birds singing.

It was 8 in the morning by the time they reached the bus terminal in Cape Town. The air was warm with only a slight chill in the breeze beside them but they barely felt it. They still felt heavy with what had just happened. They were married for a day and neither could wrap their minds around it. It was a strange experience for both of them- Their love had culminated into something more but why did it still feel as if something were not right.

Riaz had never thought he would marry her. He never thought he would see her again. He would wait for her letters and he would talk about being together. He would talk about what was in his heart but his head never seemed to believe it was true. It was as if when he was writing those letters, his mind had abdicated its control to his heart for only those few short minutes before it resumed its position. 

But he didn't know how it would ever be possible that she would be with him. He didn't wait for her- there was never a commitment between them. Their bond was never concrete. They had a friendship that had transcended beyond the bounds of love but it was never spoken or shared. It was what it was- It was magical and it glittered and glowed around them as thousands of fireflies glimmering beneath the stars.

But it was never said.

He didn't wait for her. He wasn't blind to the women around him. He had spent countless nights away from home in another friend's bed. He had taken what she had willingly given for years and he didn't feel guilty about it. She was there. She offered him release and he took it.

But when he felt Tasneem's shoulder brush against his arm as she bent down to pick up her bag-he wanted her to be his. He wanted to feel the way her body brushed against his. He wanted to feel her hand grasping his as he made love to her. He wanted to feel her lips curling into a smile against his own and he wanted to know each and every spot and mole and curve on her body. He wanted to touch her softly and slowly, feeling her heart hammer against his chest. He wanted to know how to drive her crazy with delight and he wanted to know what it would feel like to have her shudder against him as he took her to heights she had never imagined. He wanted her- he wanted her mind and her soul and her body but he could never truly tell her that. He couldn't scare her away. Not now when he had offered her refuge. She needed to feel safe and God forbid she ever feel terrified of him...

"You ready?" She looked up at him, unaware of the thoughts running through his head.

"Ya." He picked up his bags before following slowly behind her.

...

The stars will be watching us,

And we will show them

What it is to be a thin crescent moon.

You and I unselfed, will be together...

She could remember the excitement coursing through her young veins knowing she would be visiting her grandparents. The car would barely coast to a stop before she would scrabble out of her seat to run to them. Always, always would her grandfather catch her in his arms and haul her up to rest on his shoulder. She remembered the hard edges of his black Khufi that would brush against her chin as she rested her head on his. She remembered the smell of baby powder and purple Sparkles sweets that his wide pockets seemed to always hold. He never ran out and she always wondered if his pockets were as deep as his legs to always seem to contain a sweet whenever she pilfered through them.

She remembered the smell of boiling milk and spices that filled up the whole house before her granny dropped the teabags into the pot. She would stare fascinated as the white milk slowly changed and transformed as if in slow constant motion into a brewed tea that tasted like no other. She would wait anxiously for her granny to stand on her chair and reach for her blue tin on the highest shelf in her cupboard knowing that she had just made a fresh batch of tameletjies. Her hands would be sticky for hours as she ploughed through her granny's supply much to her mother's annoyance but Tasneem never seemed to care. Her granny's home was her haven. There was nothing like it- the smell of the brown carpet in the entrance and the white doilies over the round mahogany table... It was her heaven on earth to step into that house and know that she would be loved in a way that even her parents couldn't show.

And then her father left...

And he had taken his parent's love away with him to be forgotten in the empty shadows of her mind- only glimpsed at when a sparkle of moonlight would descend on it through the darkest part of the night. Only when she was alone would she allow herself to remember them.

She didn't want the reality of day to darken her memories and she stored it away... far, far away and only now as she smelt the ocean surrounding them- only now did she rifle through her mind to look for those memories that she treasured so very, very much.

She shook her mind free of her thoughts as they ascended the stairs to his flat. It was a small 3 storey building near the beach that had looked as if it were newly renovated. She could still smell the light blue paint that coated the entire building as well as the Polyfiller along the rails on the walls where the previous ones had been ripped out. She never liked the pungent, sour smell of it. It reminded her of...

She wouldn't go there. Not now...

They walked up to the second floor behind the caretaker as he chatted away to himself. Riaz seemed to have taken up the width of the staircase with his massive size and she wondered how he seemed to balance his bags up the stairs when he could barely fit between the narrow railings. His presence comforted her though. She felt an odd sense of nostalgia as she walked behind him. She felt as if she was back in school, walking behind him as he led her towards the auditorium.

They waited patiently as the caretaker looked for their set of keys amongst the others dangling on his massive keyring. He kept twisting and turning key after key, still talking to himself as if they weren't even there. Her arms were beginning to feel like jelly as she kept shifting her bag from arm to arm and she could feel the heat of midmorning finally settle upon her in a suffocating wave. Her hair felt as if it were plastered to her scalp and she was sure her face was shiny with sweat. She could feel the tiny droplets run down her back, causing her long sleeved shirt to stick to her skin as if it were trying to mold itself to her body and all she could do was pray he would hurry up. Riaz was no better though- She could make out tiny beads of sweat along the neckline of his shirt as he tapped his finger impatiently against the strap of his bag. He looked down unimpressed with the man standing before him, his eyes boring holes into his back as if willing him to go just a little faster but it was all for nothing.

He thumbed through the keys as if he had all the time in the world...

"Ah! Got it." He exclaimed, jubilant in his discovery.

They walked in behind him...

Slowly, cautiously...

This was home.

...

You and I unselfed, will be together,

Indifferent to idle speculation, you and I.

The parrots of heaven will be cracking sugar

As we laugh together, you and I.

It felt as if they were still dragging through oblivion as they sat cross legged on their sleeping bags eating bland packet soup from a pot. Riaz's boxes contained only his essentials- He didn't have enough money to transport everything else. They walked in on 4 of his boxes, a bar fridge and a 2 plate stove. They had nothing else. They had no cleaning supplies or food or utensils. They didn't even have a bed or a mattress in the 1-room apartment.

They had to walk to the grocery store around the corner to buy at least something to eat yet neither truly had the heart to spend when money was such a luxury to them. So they made do with a box of packet soup, a loaf of bread and a box of milk. They didn't know what else they could do... they had a combined saving of ten thousand rands and they couldn't waste it.

"I never thought it would take us so long to clean up." Riaz mused, looking at the watch on his hand. It was almost 8 at night by the time they settled down and both were exhausted with the day's events. It was small- it was only one giant room and a bathroom yet still it had taken them an entire day just to get everything cleaned an unpacked. There was a basin in the corner of the room that they transformed into something of a kitchenette and Riaz had hung up one of his sheets from two hooks in the ceiling to separate them from each other and that was it.

That would be their home...

That was home.

Her lips curled into a semblance of a smile as she looked up at him. She would never truly be able to thank him. He would probably never know what he had done for her and she would never be able to truly show her appreciation but as she looked at him she could feel her eyes well with tears- But they were good tears.

They were the tears that flowed when the heart was happy and full and bright. It was happiness that was too vast to be contained and so had flown as droplets of tears out of her eyes. They contained the very essence of her heart and as she looked back down at her lap- she smiled.

She wasn't happy but she was living in a moment of happiness. It was a fragile, beautiful moment that was untouched by filthy hands. It was pure. It was silk. It was honey. It was absolute. It was infinite and it was theirs.

She had one moment of happiness...

And then...

...

She stood in front of the mirror, biting her lip as she stared at the myriad of bruises covering her arms as she waited for the water to heat up in the shower. She didn't want to do it but she had to. She hadn't looked at her body since...

Her breathing was laboured and her fingers trembled ever so slightly as she reached around behind her back to unhook her bra. But as she freed her chest of its confines, she couldn't do it.

She couldn't look at herself but she had to. She had to know what he had done to her. She had to know but she didn't want to.

She didn't want to see what he had done to her. She didn't want to be reminded of what it felt like to have her brother clamp his teeth down on the soft skin surrounding her nipple nor did she want to look at his prints that had branded themselves along the browned skin above her ribs. She just couldn't look. She crossed her arms in front of her chest- staring at her body donned only in a nondescript pair of black panties. She tried. She truly tried to lower her arms and look at herself but she was just scared. She didn't even know why she was scared- it had happened already. What more could happen to her now? He had already taken everything from her. He couldn't take anything more and he wasn't there to watch her watching herself. He wasn't there yet still he infested her mind with his dark presence. He hadn't let go of her...

Her mind didn't want to believe what had happened to her. It wanted to protect her from the truth; that was why it was screaming out her name, begging her not to look at it. Begging her not to be reminded of what had happened that night.

Nothing will happen Tasneem. It's over. He's not here.

Her heart felt as if it would beat out of her chest and all she could hear was blood rushing through her ears.

Her breaths were coming out faster.

And faster.

And faster.

She could feel herself shiver with adrenalin.

You can do it.

Her chest was hurting with her breaths and her lungs felt as if it would be crushed behind her sternum.

You can do it.

She shut her eyes- drowning out every sensation and feeling and voice in her head.

Do it.

She lowered her hands slowly keeping them at her sides as she shivered in the cold bathroom air.

You're almost there.

Do it.

She opened her eyes slowly, looking at the black grout surrounding the sink before she looked up to stare at herself in the mirror.

He had trapped her wrists in his hand, spewing out words that meant nothing to her as he pushed himself inside...

She shut her eyes once again, bracing herself on the basin.

Just look. He's not here. Just look.

She looked up again, watching this strange girl in the mirror. She didn't know her. She was someone she had never seen before. Her hair was plastered to her scalp and her face looked pale. Her lips had no colour in them but as Tasneem frowned, so did the stranger. And as she stood up straight, so did the stranger. She didn't look down though...

Not yet.

She looked at her brown eyes and the way her eyebrows seemed just a little too untidy. She looked at her dulled lips and her beauty spot just above her nose. She looked at her brown hair that was tied up messily, barely brushing the middle of her back. Her gaze dropped a little lower, to the red marks along her neck.

He didn't allow her to look away, not even once as he spread her legs further and further apart. She pushed him back- he was going to hurt her and she knew it. She pushed at his chest one more time before sliding out from under him. She didn't care that she was almost naked as she ran to her door.

Her fingers had just touched the door handle before his hand wrapped itself around her throat, slamming her into the wall beside the door...

She shook her head, dispelling the memory as she gingerly fingered the dark blue bruise around her neck, feeling the slight ripple of pain as it echoed throughout her body.

He's not here anymore.

She looked further down at her collar bones that had began to stick out as she curled her shoulders in towards herself. She had a small mole just below her clavicle that she had forgotten was even there before her eyes roved just a little lower...

Don't close your eyes.

He pushed her further into the wall.

"Who's Riaz?"

"He's no one. I promise. I haven't spoken to him in months."

"You're lying. He was at the hospital wasn't he?"

"No. He wasn't. I don't know who that boy was."

"Your mouth looks pretty when you don't lie." He said, kissing her lips. His lips were chapped and his stubble scraped against her jaw. She could feel the wooden beams dig deep into her back as he tightened his hold around her neck. She tried scrabbling out of his hold, scratching at his arms, his neck, his back, his chest- anything. But nothing that she did would get him to loosen his hold on her. He only stepped closer to her allowing her to feel his excitement before her reached around behind her back to unhook her bra and bare herself to him. She didn't want it.

How long had it been since she had begged him to stop but she begged him and she pleaded with him to stop. To let her go and let her be but it only excited him further. To know that he could exert control over her took him to levels unknown and he had never known anything could feel as euphoric as having someone beg him to stop knowing he would never.

His huge, disgusting, grimy hand had found its way to her chest before he squeezed down on it, smiling as she begged him over and over again. She wrapped her hand around his wrist, trying to wrench his hold off her but her only squeezed a little tighter, causing her to wince in pain.

"Please. Please I am begging you to stop. I don't want to do this. I don't want you doing this to me."

"I don't actually care about what you want..." He mused casually as his hand slithered lower and lower, tugging at the elastic band edging her panties.

She stared at herself, trying to reclaim her body but the harder she looked the more she disconnected herself to her body. He had taken her body for himself and he hadn't given it back. She couldn't look at herself without thinking about his hand or his mouth on her and she wanted it back. She wanted her body and her mind and her soul back but she couldn't find it.

She cupped her palms over her breasts, trying to get herself back but as her hand grazed a deep red indent, she shivered in pain remembering how it had gotten there in the first place.

She didn't think she could feel squashed but as he pressed her even further into the wall, she swore she had difficulty breathing. Her right hand was trapped behind her own body and as she tried using her left to push him off of her, he simply flicked her away as if he were swotting away flies before he held her wrist beside her with one hand. She didn't know what to do and panic had finally settled over her. She no longer felt as if she were stone allowing him to do as he pleased with her body but she felt alive. She had life in her as she tried to push him; to move her body her legs, her knees- anything.

But the more she fought, the more it felt as if she were crumbling and the more it hurt knowing that she couldn't do it. He was too big and too strong and she couldn't push him off her no matter how hard she tried. And as she felt the material of her underwear being ripped into two- she remembered why she had forced herself to become a stone.

She never felt it when she was like that. She never felt him lower them to the ground, nor did she feel his hands along her thigh. She never felt his hands press against her stomach or his breath against her ear. She never tasted his tongue in her mouth or cried out in pain as he pushed himself inside her. She didn't choke on her own vomit as his teeth tore at the skin on her neck before biting down on her breasts. And as he delved further into her, he only bit down harder on her skin ignoring the tears he tasted in his mouth as it fell down from her eyes that refused to look at him.

Her eyes could only wonder to the ceiling, ignoring the blurred white before her as he took from her.

Again.

And again.

She opened her eyes when she heard the knock on the door. "Ya?"

"The geyser was switched off. Is the water warm?"

"Ya." She called out, ignoring the slight waver in her voice. "It's perfect."

She didn't particularly care about whether or not it was warm or cold. She wanted to be rid of him an as she stood under the lukewarm water- she tried and she tried.

But she just couldn't. He was a part of her as much as her own skin and she couldn't rid herself of him.

...

The parrots of heaven will be cracking sugar

As we laugh, you and I,

In one form upon this earth,

And in another form in a timeless sweet land.

She stepped into the room the tips of her toes. The lampshade was already switched on and his deep breaths only told of his gentle stroll into his dreams. She didn't have a towel and her hair was still dripping water along the hardwood floors. She felt cold as the back of her pyjama top clung to the water still soaking her skin.

She walked closer to him, kneeling down beside him. She could hear the crickets as it spoke to the moon, and the cars below them as they made their way back home but as his eyes pinched closed with the pictures in his head, everything else fell away.

It was only him and her bathed by the soft light of the lampshade...

And as she placed her hand softly over his eyes, she remembered asking him to hold onto her happiness. He still had it...

"Shh..." She laid her hand gently over his eyes, rubbing her thumb along his hairline. "It's okay..."

The darkness isn't so bad if you're the one controlling it.

The darkness isn't so bad if you're the one controlling it.

The darkness isn't so bad if you're the one controlling it...

Let go.

Just let go Tasneem and it'll go away.

"I wish I could let go." She whispered to him, running her hand softly through his dark blonde hair. "Help me to let go."

Please.

She felt him relax beneath her fingers and with one last glance down at him, she stood up and she walked away.

A/N The poem used in this chapter is called A moment of happiness by Jelaluddin Rumi.