To my dearest Riaz

My house seems so lonely since Ibrahim left for school. I'm not sure why my mother sent him away to St Jerome's but I miss him all the same. There are days when I barely see my mum because she comes home past 12 almost every night. 

I bought a fish. I've named him Henry and his bowl sits next to my bed. I know fish don't often live too long but I hope he'll be the exception to the rule. At least, I hope he'll live until my brother comes back for the holidays in 3 weeks time. His first term is almost over. Can you believe it?

All my love,
Tasneem.

...

Dearest Tasneem

Henry?

Sometimes it's better to be lonely. No one can hurt you if no one is there. But I'm glad to hear that you have Henry for company. At least he listens, yeah?

Doesn't your mother worry that you're alone at home?
I never understand why people would have children if they don't want them? Why not use a condom and throw it away?

...

People make mistakes and sometimes accidents happen. And not all people like using condoms. Apparently it doesn't feel right.

And no, my mother doesn't really care much. She sometimes wishes she stopped at her first son but then 10 years later- I happened. We didn't ask to be born but we didn't ask them to have sex either.

So we aren't really at fault no matter how much they try to put the blame on us.

...

Not everyone sleeps together because they want to, little bee. Some people don't ask for it but it happens all the same.

Is your brother home yet? Or is it still just you and Henry?

...

Little Bee, are you there. It's been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from you.

Are you okay?

...

I'm here.

My brother left for school last week again and no, it's not just me and Henry.

Henry hasn't been looking well though. He doesn't really swim around anymore.

Do you think fish understand what goes on outside the bowl or are they stuck in a bubble where it's just them?

...

I think they see but they don't understand. Animals aren't like humans. They live simply and only do what's necessary. They can't understand why we do the things we do.

...

I sometimes cover Henry's bowl because I don't want him to see the outside world. I know he's just a fish but I don't want him to know that things can be ugly.

Nature is beautiful and natural things only know what's beauty. They don't know what ugly might look like. It's us who make things ugly and I want him to always know that the world is beautiful.

I sometimes wish I was him. He's in a bubble where nothing happens and it's just him and a bowl of water. He needs nothing else except a pellet of food and he'll live contented till he dies.

It's not like us.

...

But if you were a fish, little bee you'd miss out on the things that were beautiful that only humans can appreciate.

...

What's the point of beauty when you can barely even see it? If you can't see it, how will you know it's there and if you never know it how will you ever miss it?

With time, even the most beautiful rose fades to brown and eventually the petals fall revealing just a dried stem. Nothing that's beautiful lasts forever.

But I wish it did. I wish beauty on this earth was like the sun and the stars. It never grows ugly. It's always beautiful no matter how many times you look at it. Man have been looking at it and admiring it and falling in love with it for millions of years yet still its beauty never fades. It comes back the next day and it's just as beautiful as it was the day before.

But beauty on Earth is temporary and it's shallow and when the sun and moon don't shine their beauty down on the earth, then the earth is dark and desolate.

...

Beauty is not always seen, Little Bee.
And that kind of beauty- that lasts forever.

...

Maybe. Winter is cold this year. More colder than usual.

I'm feeling cold Riaz and nothing seems to make me feel warm. It's gone down into my bones and no matter what I do, it doesn't go away.

How are you? Are you okay? June is already upon us and it's already leaving us behind.

Why is time leaving us behind? I don't understand why it's running so fast. What is it running after? I don't want July to come. I don't want my Ibrahim's holidays to end but it will and time won't even allow him to stay longer.

He's gone so tall and his voice has deepened to a timbre I barely recognise on the phone. He's no longer a small boy. He's become a man and I'm so proud of him.

You'd like him. I hope you meet him one day.

...

He isn't a man because he's grown tall and his voice has grown deep.

He's a man because he treats you well and he deserves your love. That's what makes him a man.

Why are you fighting with time Little Bee? It's a battle you'll never win and you'll hurt yourself trying. Time defeats everything. Even the bravest of people have been defeated by time. And I don't want it to defeat you.

...
I fight with time because it's the only thing I can fight. I know it's a losing battle but I have to defeat something. I have to try.

I can't be taken by everything and I don't want time to take me too.

I'm so terrified Riaz. I don't want to be defeated. I don't want to lose who I am but I see it happening more and more everyday. I am losing what makes me me and I don't want it to happen. I wake up and I barely recognise myself anymore. I still look the same but my eyes seem skewed as if I'm looking at someone else who I don't know. I'm looking at myself through a window and I can't find my way in.

But I know you. You're real. You're my real.

Stay with me.

...

I'll never leave you, Tasneem. I'll be here for as long as you need me.

...

I'll need you for as long as you're there.

Henry died today.

I don't know why I'm sad about it. I knew he was going to die but I'm sad anyway.

...

Then I guess I'll never go away.

I'm sorry about Henry.

Have you buried him near your sunflowers? I know those make you happy.

...

That's exactly where he is. He's under my sunflowers resting in the shade of the tree across from my room.

I've forgotten that I've told you about them. And they do make me happy. They're sturdy and even though the night diminishes their radiance, they're always up again at the first light of the new day. They're beautiful aren't they?

...

Yes, they're very beautiful.

Little Bee, stay with me? Don't lose me. Just stay with me, okay?

...

July has gone.

My house is once again empty but I'm not sad anymore. My younger brother won't be back for a while but the voices no longer echo off the tiles as it used to and I'm okay with that.

What makes you think that I'll lose you? How could I ever lose you?

...

Isn't Spring your favourite month? Are you happy that it's almost back?

Tell me about your flowers again.

...

I have sunflowers and orchids and roses under my balcony. I've planted azaleas last year and I hope they'll come up again this year. I'm worried that the thunderstorm might have destroyed it completely.

We have a mulberry tree in the yard. The silk worms are already starting to spin their cocoons and I know any day now, they'll come back out again. I love that- I love watching their cocoons break and watching them take their first flight as a butterfly. They've never known what it means to fly but they own the sky as soon as they open their wings.

It's a beautiful sight. I hope you see it one day.

...

Maybe you could show it to me one day.

My mother loved gardening. We had a garden in the front and back yard and she would be busy in it for hours on end.

And one day, her plants were taken out and it's place was grey cement. She never told me, but it broke her heart to see all her work ripped apart.

...

Plants have a life of their own and it was wrong for them to be destroyed just like that. They have a heart and a system and they each have their own partner somewhere near them.
Plants don't grow unless they're loved.
And your mother loved those plants and when something that you love is snatched away, a little bit of yourself is snatched away with it.

...

You're beautiful, Tasneem.

...

You see me, don't you?

...

I'll always see you.

...

Where are you? It's been almost a month already. Are you okay?

...

Little Bee. Please, I need to know if you're okay. I've tried phoning but-
I'm worried.

...

I'm sorry about the phone. My mother had the number changed. I'm okay.

Thank you.

...

You're not okay.

You haven't been okay in months.

...

I've been okay. Please Riaz. Please- do this for me.

Believe me. I need you to believe me.

...

You're not okay.
I can't believe you.

...

It's been two months little bee.

...

Where are you? I know you're reading this or it would have been sent back in the mail. Won't you reply to me?

...

Please write me back. Please.

...

You're not real Riaz.

You're not real.

Nothing good is real. Like Henry and my sunflowers and the cocoons on the mulberry tree that was destroyed in the hailstorm.

You're not real. You're only a figment of my imagination concocted by my mind to make me believe that there's good in the world. And loving you is too hard because you're not real and it hurts me.

Only my brother is real.

Please leave me alone.

Please.

With all of my love and with all of me,
Tasneem.

...

END OF PART 1