"Childe?"

The sound of Zhongli 's voice reached Childe's ears muffled, as if a heavy sheet of glass had separated himself from the world. He had only gazed quickly toward the bottom of that cave, but it had been enough to superimpose his vision on the memories he tried in vain to eliminate. It was now more than ten years since that day, indeed, from those interminable days, but the accuracy with which he remembered them was as sharp as a crystal in his mind.

"I...it's nothing," he lied quickly, shaking his head.

He had brought a hand to his chest without even realizing it, as if in that way he could lift the invisible weight that almost prevented him from breathing.

He had never been afraid of dark, closed, and deep places before he was fourteen. For many years, he had loved throwing himself into the depths of glaciers, exploring caves with only a dim lantern to guide him, thirsty for adventures and discoveries. Now, however, all he could think about when he happened to look at caves was the accident.

"Are you sure? You look very pale," Zhongli said, worried, daring to approach him to observe him better. The man did not even allow himself to touch Childe but looked at him with a look full of apprehension, an apprehension that Childe was definitely not used to receiving or that he knew very well how to handle.

"I am always pale, you know. I'm from Snezhnaya," Childe retorted, trying to joke despite his broken voice and trembling body. He was trying to regulate his breathing in every possible way, but it was as if he could no longer move, and he hated being seen like that, even by a respectful person like Zhongli.

"Is it the cave? If you suffer from claustrophobia, there is no need to go in," Zhongli said gently. "Should we take another way, or...?"

"Are you kidding? I don't get scared that easily," Childe replied, shrugging, and he took a deep breath. "I was dizzy for a moment. Maybe it's the climate. Look at me now!"

Although the more rational part of him told him not to risk it, to recover and not undergo further stress, the more instinctive part made him spring forward into the chasm, forcing his lips to bend into a confident smile. He had to face his fear. He had to do his best to defeat it, as he had always done. For that reason, he evaluated with a glance the distance that separated him from the seabed and jumped down, toward the first rocky support he could identify.

"Follow me, lord of the rocks. We are in your kingdom," Childe joked as soon as he landed with a well-calculated fall, trying to keep control of his emotions. It was dark around him, the air colder and thinner, and the sun was getting more elusive as it sank downwards.

"Wasn't I the 'lord of the asteroids'?" Zhongli asked with a little smile, lowering himself more calmly, following the narrow path that allowed him to venture inside the cave. Once Zhongli reached him, Childe also opted to take that more comfortable route, digging his hands into the pockets of his bathing suit.

He hadn't dressed yet and was starting to feel the cold, but that wasn't the main problem. For a moment, as he continued his way into the cave, he found himself looking down at his feet, gritting his teeth.
"You are so many different things, since you know practically everything," he replied, forcing himself to smile. They had almost reached the bottom where streams of water flowed, surrounded by blue and orange crystals.

He was almost there. He was almost to the bottom. That was all he wanted to prove himself, and indirectly Zhongli, as well. "I bet you also know the names of all the stones below."

"Well...the blue ones are crystals usually used to forge weapons. The orange ones are called cor lapis, stones created by the condensation of the geo element. It is said that they are highly regarded by Rex Lapis for their sheen. You like them? You can collect some if you want," Zhongli said matter-of-factly, provoking an amused laugh from Childe.

"Well, I had no doubts," Childe replied before looking around himself. The precious stones gave the seabed a safer appearance, illuminating it with their picturesque colors reflected in the water. He had been there for five minutes and had managed not to feel bad anymore, he assured himself with some satisfaction.
Then he looked up, trying to gauge how deep they were, and it was at that moment he realized that he had been lying to himself: he wasn't well, and he still wasn't in control of the situation.

It took him a few moments before he remembered the strong impact against the hard ice when it had fallen in Snezhnaya on the day of the accident, the sun having become smaller and smaller and further away from the bottom, until it disappeared completely. What if he also disappeared at that moment? What if he got stuck there, if they never got out, if monsters appeared and Zhongli got hurt? He couldn't allow that to happen again.

He realized his legs were limp, unable to support him, and he lowered his gaze again abruptly, shivering.
"Childe," Zhongli said gently after a few moments of silence. "You're not being honest with me. This place scares you, doesn't it? Does it make you sick?"

Childe shrugged slightly, straining to meet his gaze, though slightly reluctant to be scrutinized by someone who, he was sure, could read it quite well. It was difficult for him to open up on that subject, to admit his weaknesses, which was why he remained silent until he felt he was able to collect his thoughts and share them.

Zhongli had a kind look with no trace of accusation or mockery. He didn't mind misjudging him for his weakness, and he probably would have understood his own suffering, too, he was almost certain.

Childe had noticed several times now how empathetic and sensitive Zhongli was toward his friends. He had even confided in him on important issues before, including his past and the losses he had faced. Talking to him would be easier than expected, he realized, when he motioned for him to sit on some smoother, flatter stones. He needed to be honest with him, then and there, at the cost of making it harder. Only then will he be able to superimpose the memory of that cave on Snezhnaya to the cave in Liyue.

Zhongli followed suit, sitting down beside him with a patient look, and Childe felt relieved already. He had sought for so long the support of people who admired him for his strength, his endurance, and his indestructibility. Now he realized that what he needed most was the comfort of being understood, despite his weaknesses. A rather shocking revelation—the implications of which he would only consider later.

"When I was fourteen...," Childe began, squeezing his knees to his chest, staring at the rocky wall in front of him illuminated by the blue of the crystals, "...I liked to go in search of adventures, like now. Morepesok is surrounded by forests and the sea, but it is not a warm and peaceful sea like that of Liyue, with sand and sun. It is a sea of ice and stone beaches, cold as snow. It melts only for a few months, and then it returns cold."

Childe was reassured by the attention with which Zhongli was listening to him. "I love Snezhnaya. Wherever you go, you always find a surprise, a challenge. There are wild animals, ancient forests with beautiful trees, lakes for ice skating, and ski slopes. And also...," he continued, feeling a grip tighten his chest, "...many underground crevasses. Some you can easily distinguish, some you can't. You have to be very careful where you step."

"Have you...fallen into a chasm?" Zhongli asked cautiously, as though afraid of breaking Childe's soul like a poorly placed foot on fragile ice.

"Yes, I did," Childe admitted. "But it wasn't just any crevasse. It was a portal to the Abyss." It was almost easier to say it that way: bluntly, as if he were ripping off a bandage.

Zhongli's eyes widened, unable to hide his surprise. It was quite possible that he, too, had information about the Abyss and what it was hiding, but he probably hadn't imagined that Childe could end up in it.

"You entered the Abyss at fourteen?" Zhongli asked, his eyebrows contracted in concern.

Childe nodded slowly, remembering perfectly how the ice crumbled beneath his feet and the emptiness sucked him down into a dense, deep darkness. He had hurt his back and found himself in a cold and inhospitable valley that was covered with brambles, strewn with skulls and bones, hunted by monsters and creatures of darkness. Frightened, he had walked for hours in that deserted place, after the light above him had closed forever, making him believe he could never return to Snezhnaya, to home.

"It was a terrifying place. When I entered, monsters immediately attacked me. I managed to defeat them, but it never seemed to end," he said, his gaze still distant and thoughtful.
"I walked for hours, though I don't remember how many. I ate the food that grew on the trees. I couldn't find a living soul, only monsters trying to attack me, darkness, and corpses. I thought I was going to be there forever. You know what they say about the Abyss, don't you? That there are creatures inside that once challenged the cosmos and then turned into monsters."

Childe could feel Zhongli's attentive and worried gaze on him.
"I think our gods would never do such a thing. Our Tsaritsa or your Rex Lapis would not create monsters like that. But the Gods superior to the Archons, the gods of Celestia.... You know what? No. The gods who are above everything, of which nobody knows anything about. They turn sinners into monsters. And they confined them in that place."

"What the superior gods of Celestia do is a very difficult and controversial subject to understand," Zhongli said. "I also believe that it is unfair to punish someone up to that point. Let's say that our Archons reasoned a little more like us humans."
Zhongli bit his lower lip to hide a certain upset. "And so...you practically ended up in hell, alone."

"Yes, and I wonder why. I constantly wonder 'why,'" he confessed, sinking his nails into the palms of his hands. "Maybe someone wanted to punish me. I was by no means a model kid. Sometimes I ran away from home, or I fought with other kids and got into fights. I do not know. Maybe I was too curious. Maybe I was dangerous. Maybe I deserved it," he continued, speaking faster, as if he could no longer filter his thoughts.

"The fact is," Childe continued, "I survived, somehow, continuing to walk without finding a living soul. I had my vision with me, my weapons, I was used to persisting. But I was going crazy. All those monsters and the constant panic. Every now and then I found dead people in the street. I thought I would end up there among them," he continued, his voice breaking. He wouldn't cry, not like that.

On the one hand, it was liberating to externalize those memories, but on the other he felt torn apart.
"And I thought that no one above would ever know what happened to me. I thought that my family would cry without knowing where I was, and that no one would ever come find me."

"Nobody deserves a punishment like that," Zhongli said. "Do not even think about it. It was not your fault, nor something that you have been looking for." His tone was thoughtful but firm at the same time.
Childe raised his face just enough to return his gaze, feeling slightly better after hearing his words.

"You were very unlucky. You happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. We do not know the criteria by which people reach the Abyss. Some go there on purpose and others fall into it by mistake. Maybe someone else had left a portal nearby open and you, unfortunately, found it before it closed again," Zhongli speculated, making Childe feel a certain reassurance. "But now you're here. How did you manage to get out?"

"It was thanks to a person I met after a while. I honestly don't know how much time had passed, because afterward I found out that time in the Abyss passes slower, and days in the outside world can become months in the Abyss. My savior was a swordswoman named Skirk," Childe said, still not fully answering his words, not yet ready to believe that he hadn't deserved such an experience.

"I never quite understood who she was and what she was doing in there, since she never wanted to tell me. But she taught me to fight and repel the monsters for almost six weeks. Her techniques were cruel. She trained me extensively to allow me to survive on a journey she decided to accompany me on, to bring me home. I did nothing but fight, take blows, and return them until she judged I'd be able to withstand the journey. She took me back to a still-open portal and let me out after some days.... I owe her my life."

"Skirk? I've never heard of her. So, when you got out, where were you?" Zhongli asked.

"Some woods in Snezhnaya but far from home. When they found me, I was frozen. They believed that I was dead," he said, looking him straight in the eye with a certain coldness, as if he were talking about another person and no longer about himself.

"When they managed to revive me, they were delighted. But I felt so different. They told me I disappeared for only three days, but I was sure it had been three months, at least." Childe looked down at his hands. "I think the Abyss changed me deeply. After that experience, I was upset, scared, always on the alert. Every little thing triggered me. It was like I could still see monsters everywhere. I could no longer sleep.

I kept having nightmares and dark visions. And no one knew how to help me, you understand?" He remembered the fear he had read in his parents' eyes when they saw him suddenly filled with anger and panic, unable to behave like a normal person. "I wanted so much to just be grateful for being alive, but I couldn't."

"You had unresolved trauma. I think you suffered from post traumatic stress. Nobody can blame you after what you've been through," Zhongli reassured him. "A normal person wouldn't have survived."

"I wasn't even able to continue my schooling," Childe went on. Now that he started, he was unable to stop. "I was a good student before the Abyss. But after that, I spent all my time in class staring into space and being afraid. I could no longer read. I could no longer think. In my free time, I kept looking for monsters around the woods to be defeated. It was as if my need for adrenaline had suffered a decompensation, and the only way not to think was to go back to fighting, fighting, and more fighting."

Reluctantly, he added, "Once, some kids in class made fun of me because I kept acting weird. They tried to come near me and I...," he hesitated, worried about giving a bad image of himself, "...I kind of lost control. I attacked them and beat them so hard that they had to expel me. Sometimes I think that if no one had stopped me, maybe they won't be here anymore."

"It is very common for people who are victims of traumatic events to lose control of their reactions and have constant fear and anxiety. They stopped you, at least," Zhongli observed, trying to reassure him.

Childe couldn't help but be perplexed. Why did he keep defending him, even after Childe was trying to make him understand what a horrible person he really was?

"Anyway," Childe continued, "they sent me to the Fatui after that. They are a highly respected army, at the service of our Tsaritsa. My parents no longer knew how to manage me, how to make me happy. They thought it would help me manage my anger and my need to fight by sending me to the Fatui."

"And did it work?" Zhongli allowed himself to ask. "Are you happy now?"

"I can control myself better and I think they did the right thing for me. They sent me to a place where I can fight for work and where discipline is needed, where my strength is appreciated." Childe began wringing his hands. "Most of the time, I think I've become a better person. But there is always a thought that disturbs me: what if I wasn't totally back in place? What if the Abyss had corrupted me with its darkness? I...sometimes I think I could be dangerous. What would I have done without the help of the Fatui and the Tsaritsa? What if one of my brothers made me angry?"

"Childe..." Zhongli interrupted him, "...you would not. You love them too much."

"So you say. I hope so, too. The fact is that I am no longer afraid of what has happened to me. I faced it and I defeated it. But I'm afraid I've become a monster, too, sometimes. That's why I sometimes think it's better that I stay away from my family and only return every now and then. They are better off without me. Maybe the Abyss has ruined me and I deserve to stay away, because I could become dangerous."

Zhongli was silent for a moment, reflecting on his words. His amber eyes were filled with pain, a pain Childe was sorry to have caused him, but which was undoubtedly sincere.

"Do you think that the Abyss has corrupted you forever, like a kind of poison? Because when you came out of it, you were angry and difficult to manage? And is that why you believe that you no longer deserve to heal, or return to others as before?" asked Zhongli, seeking confirmation of his reasoning.

Childe nodded in spite of himself, surprised at how keenly the other had read the darkest and saddest thoughts of his own soul.

"When you tell me about your home and your family, what I see in your eyes is not darkness," Zhongli assured him. "When you try to make friends with others, here in Liyue, you are sincere, and you are not motivated by ulterior motives. I've watched you during your stay." Zhongli looked deep into his eyes and smiled.
"You are a kind person, and friendly. The fact that you ask yourself all these questions and that you prefer to suffer and hurt yourself in order to keep others safe proves that you are not a monster. A monster wouldn't care so much about others, but you do it all the time, at the expense of yourself."

Childe was silent for a moment, surprised by his words. For a moment, he did not know how to react. He felt even more fragile and exposed than ever before, and now he felt he could not completely blame the other's words, which crept into his mind like a breath of fresh air, reassuring and comfortable.

"Let me show you something. Come with me," Zhongli said, motioning him to stand up. Childe joined him, following him for a couple of paces until Zhongli bent down to pick up a different stone, a mineral that glowed blue and silver like a small moonstone.

Illuminated by the gem's glow, Zhongli's face was kind and utterly sincere as he motioned for Childe to open his hands. When he did, he placed the gem between them, closing his own gently over them. Childe stared at the stone, admiring its appearance but also confused as to why Zhongli had decided to show it to him in the midst of their conversation.

"What is it? It's beautiful," Childe said, intrigued.

"This is a Noctilucous Jade. Do you remember when I told you how every person, in my opinion, is tied to a stone, a plant, or a flower existing in nature?" Zhongli asked. He removed his hands from Childe's, probably in a gesture of respect, so as not to be intrusive. Childe nodded promptly and tried not to think about how the absence of his touch affected him.

"All the other stones you see around here can only shine because of the daylight; they capture the few rays of sunshine that manage to enter the cave. They are stones born from the crystallization of some elements, which absorb the heat of the outside," explained Zhongli before pointing his gaze to the stone that Childe was holding in his hands.

"The Noctilucous Jade, however, is different: it is a gem born as a result of mutations of various elements, including aggressive ones, and subsequently condensed in the darkness. It's the rarest gem of all and is the only one that is able to shine in the dark, even without the sun, without light," Zhongli went on in a serious tone, raising again to look at Childe who held his breath.

He was beginning to understand perfectly what Zhongli wanted to tell him. This was his way of comforting him and making him believe in himself, speaking in a language he observed and loved most.
"If you took this stone and threw it into the Abyss, it would still shine, since the light comes from within. This is the strength and rarity of the Noctilucous Jade: staying true to itself. There is nothing that can extinguish it or corrode it, not even the deepest darkness of the Abyss. I would like you to take this and keep it with you," added Zhongli before hesitating slightly. For the first time since Childe had known him, Zhongli looked slightly embarrassed despite the effort he made to hold his gaze. "Because that's how I see you."

Childe would have liked to reply, anything that could even vaguely express how much his words touched him. But at that moment, he was unable to find the right words to explain how he felt. Clutching the gem in his hands, he placed it carefully in his pocket and took a step closer to Zhongli, just enough to gently place a hand on his shoulder.

"May I?" he asked, extending the other arm, gesturing him to come closer for a hug.

"Of course," Zhongli immediately said, placing an arm around his shoulders and holding him in a light but firm embrace. He rested his chin on his shoulder and closed his eyes.

Childe found himself squeezing tighter, wrapping his torso with both arms and leaning into his shoulder, like it was the only way he could convey his gratitude for listening to him and for trying to understand him more than he had ever done with himself.

He had hardly touched him before, not even to shake his hand in greeting, not considering the time Zhongli had tried to teach him to use chopsticks. Yet, in that moment, hugging him felt as natural as breathing. He melted into the comfort of his gentle grip, into the way his fingers slipped through his hair in a careful and delicate caress. Zhongli's gestures confirmed the concern he had just shown him in words a moment earlier.

"I'm grateful for what you've told me. I wish I could thank you better. But...thank you all the same. To see me like this," Childe said after a few moments, eyes half closed and a pleasant sense of comfort invading his soul. Maybe he shouldn't have been so forward, maybe it was strange and inappropriate, but right then he didn't care.

"I only said what I think. You don't have to thank me, Childe." Zhongli's voice was so sincere that even though Childe couldn't see himself as the stone he had described, he knew Zhongli hadn't told him so only in an attempt to console him.

"My name is actually Ajax," Childe confessed, deciding that this was the best way to thank him. Zhongli pulled away just enough to look him in the face and give a hint of a surprised, incredulous smile.

"What?"

"My real name is Ajax. The person I told you about, the one who lives in Morepesok, was born with this name. Childe and Tartaglia are the names that the Fatui gave me. Ajax is what I hide from those who do not know who I really am."

Realizing what a privilege that information entailed, Zhongli could not help but broaden his smile. "Thank you for telling me, Ajax. It's a beautiful name."

Notes:

Hello guys, how are you doing? <3 I hope you liked that chapter, it finally explained why the fanfiction is called like that ehe
It took me a while to translate it this week, but here I am, I am back <3
Skylar