(Highly recommended to go through the trigger warning list again.)

~ Age Five ~

I'm finally getting used to being in the new place. It gets too cold, and the place is kinda empty-ish, but I still like it. I like my new house too. It's big and cool and has a backyard. Mommy and Dad are worried about some job thing though and keep getting mad.

They got kicked out of their previous one and we had to move houses because these big and scary men came and took it.

Mommy told me they won't come again, and I believe her. She never lies to me. Right now, she told me to play around the house while she and Dad get things set up.

My parents—they smile at me and ruffle my hair but there's something wrong with it nowadays. Whenever Mom and Dad smiled at me, their eyes used to have this light that made me feel all warm and happy. But now their smile seems forced, and it makes me worried.

One night when I couldn't sleep all alone in my bedroom, I creep outside to sneak into mommy and dad's room again. Dad scolds me for being a scaredy-cat but I always try to act brave by telling them that I'm protecting them.

I don't find them in their room though.

There's light coming from downstairs, in the kitchen, so I sneakily walk there.

I stop when I hear their voices. That's not what makes me stop though. It's the anger and sadness in their tones that makes me hold my breath.

"Have a fucking child you say. It will make our marriage better you say. Well, look how much a child is costing us!" It's Dad's voice. And he sounds mad. His voice is a little slurry too. I already know it's because of those dark bottles he keeps drinking. I see those bottles with him all the time nowadays.

"Don't put this on Sean. He has no fault in this." Mom defends.

I furrow my eyebrows. They're talking about me?

"You're right. It's not his fault. It's yours. Fucking bitch. I was way better off without marrying you."

"If I knew you would turn out to be such a lazy retarded asshole then I wouldn't have fucking married you too!" Mom snaps back.

Tears fill my eyes. Why are they fighting? I've never seen them fight before. They're using bad words too. They told me not to use bad words, but now they're fighting each other with it.

Dad sighs, noisily taking another sip from the dark bottle. I can see their shadows but I'm too scared to take a step forward and see them face to face. So I remain hiding behind the wall.

"Well, now my house is gone. My job is gone. My parents fucking cut me off. All because I chose to marry you."

"Why did you then? If you so fucking regret it then why did you?" Mom sounds very angry.

"Big fucking mistake. Now I'm stuck with you and a child that I didn't even fucking want in the first place!"

"Shh! Sean might hear you!"

"Who the fuck cares?" Dad yells, bringing the bottle to his lips again.

I place my hands on my mouth to cover up my cries. Dad...never wanted me? Does that mean he never loved me? I don't get it. He always told me I'm his best son. Then why is he telling Mommy that I'm a mistake?

Mom lets out a huge sigh. She runs her hands through her hair. "I'm done with this conversation. I'm going to go check on my son."

My eyes widen. I quickly turn around and run up to my bedroom. Jumping into my bed, I cover my head with the blanket and try my hardest to pretend to be sleeping.

The door creaks further open as Mom steps in. Her footsteps are always so light and gentle as if she's walking on air. The blanket is gently pulled down and I squeeze my eyes shut. Her hand comes on my hair, brushing her fingers through it.

I breathe out, enjoying the feeling of her touch. I always like it when mommy plays with my hair. It feels so relaxing.

Right when I think I'm doing a good job of pretending to be asleep, her hand comes on my face, gently running her knuckles over the curve of my cheek.

"Feeling scared again, my baby boy?"

I peel open one eye, looking at her. "How'd you know I was not sleeping?"

She smiles, looking so pretty even in the dark. "I'm your mother. I know everything."

She always says that. I can never keep secrets from her because she always finds out. I don't know how she does that.

I turn around so I'm facing her. She sits beside me on the bed, continuing to play with my hair while I stare at her soft and light features. She has shining golden hair like mine. I've always loved her hair more though. It's long and thick and always smells like fruits and flowers.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Why does dad hate me?"

Her fingers halt.

Her face drops into that of fear, but she quickly puts on a blank face. "What are you talking about? Dad doesn't hate you."

"He was being too loud. I heard him." I don't want Mom to know that I was snooping so I lie.

Her eyes well up with tears but she quickly wipes them away. There's hurt on her face, but she shakes her head, smiling at me.

"Your dad is going through some tough times right now. He's stressed and says things he doesn't mean."

"Really?"

She nods. She smiles wider this time, bending to kiss my cheek. "How can someone hate my adorable little boy?" She nuzzles her nose with mine, making me giggle.

"So Dad doesn't hate me?"

She looks into my eyes, her features softening. "No, baby. Like I said, he's really stressed right now. Everything will get better soon, and Dad will go back to being happy again. How about you keep this a secret between us till then, okay? Let's not stress Daddy more by letting him know you heard him."

I nod. Anything to make my dad happy. "I promise."

"Such a good boy." She coos, kissing my cheek again. "While you're at it, I want you to keep being daddy's best son. He might say some things but try ignoring them. Once you make him feel better, he'll be all okay."

"I don't want Dad to be stressed." I pout.

She sighs. "Me neither, but times are hard right now, and he needs all the support he can get. Alright?"

I nod.

She smiles and it makes me feel happy again. It's one of her real smiles. The one where her eyes light up too. The excitement of seeing a real smile has me sitting up and throwing my arms around her neck. She hugs me back, holding me tighter towards her, and kissing my hair.

"I love you so much, baby."

"I love you too, mommy."  

...

My eyes snap open when another nightmare haunts my mind. Sweat covers my skin and I feel all hot and heavy. I open my mouth to call out to Mom, but I'm scared to make a noise and let the monsters know I'm awake.

Quietly, I hold my breath and slide down the bed, inching outside. I almost make a run towards my parents' bedroom but pause when I see that the lights are still open downstairs.

Maybe Mommy is still awake and is downstairs. Wasting no second, I dash down the stairs, ignoring the feeling of the monsters chasing after me.

I expect to see Mommy sitting on the couch, drinking her cup of tea but falter when I see Dad instead.

He's sitting with his phone, scrolling through something. There's that dark bottle again, placed beside him on the couch that looks empty. There's a weird smell in the air and I know it's from that bottle.

I want to run into Dad's arms the moment I see him, but I hesitate when I remember that he doesn't like me right now.

I must've taken too long to move because he notices me. His red eyes shoot up and meet mine. Nervousness crawls over me and I start playing with the hem of my t-shirt.

"Why are you awake?" His voice is strict, but slurry and wobbly at the same time.

"I had another nightmare," I whisper.

He looks at the time, then sighs.

"Come here."

I don't move.

"What's wrong? Come here." He pats the spot beside him.

I slowly walk over towards him, and he helps me up on the couch by picking me up and placing me beside him.

"What did you dream about?" He asks.

"About monsters."

He snorts. "They're not real."

"It feels real," I whisper, feeling scared.

He sighs again, leaning his head back on the couch and staring up at the ceiling. He smells horrible and his skin looks saggy and dirty as if he didn't shower. Dad usually looks really handsome. He has the thickest brown hair I've seen on someone, and he has this really friendly-looking smile. I want to grow up and look as friendly as he does. 

"Are you...are you okay, Dad?" I ask, slowly.

"Why wouldn't I be?" He sounds closed-off.

I open my mouth to tell him that I heard him but then I remember that I promised Mommy I would keep it a secret.

"You look worried," I say.

He sighs again. "You don't say."

I lean my body against his bigger one. I love it when mommy does that to me. I feel her warmth on my skin, and it makes me feel so relaxed. I hope Dad feels good too when I do it.

His arm comes around me and he pulls me onto his lap, letting me rest my head on his chest. He rubs my back softly while I listen to his heartbeat.

"Wanna know a secret, Sean?"

I nod, eagerly.

The only thing I love about the dark bottles is that Dad tells me all his secrets. He rambles on and on about things. Even repeats a lot of them, but I don't mind. He speaks funny too sometimes, and it makes me laugh so hard until my stomach hurts.

"I'm so tired of this life. I thought I loved your mother—Fuck, I still do. She's the only one who drives me crazy and makes me feel all tingly at the same time. But there are so many other stressful things in my life that I often forget about this love. It hides behind every other thing, messing with my brain."

"But you still love mommy, don't you?"

He plays with the hair at my nape. When he speaks, he sounds so tired as if he's an old man. "I don't know anymore, Sean. I'm not a responsible parent but she wanted a child and I wanted to give her everything she wanted. Look where that got us. I'm not even sure if we can keep this house until we're kicked out again."

"But we just moved here!" Sadness coats my tone. I'm starting to love this place and mommy said I'll be joining school soon enough.

"I know. But things are so fucking hard right now. I wish I could go back in time and make things right. I hate feeling like this. It's like I have no purpose anymore. Everything that I've worked for failed. Being a good son, a husband, a father, an employee."

"But you're the best dad I have," I say.

His shoulders loosen at that. He tilts my head back so he can look down at my face. I smile at him, but he doesn't smile back. His eyes look tired and hazy as if he can't really see me. His breath stinks, but I still act as if it doesn't affect me. There's hair growing on his face that hides his smooth jaw and chin.

He stares at me for a long time. His eyes are half-closed, but his stare is still so intense. I can feel it reaching into me and doing weird stuff to my body.

"Dad. Do you hate me?"

"Why would you ask that?"

"Because I heard—" I gulp down the rest of my words, remembering my promise. "I...had a nightmare about it."

He's still staring at me when his hands come on my shoulders, slowly massaging them.

"I don't want you to hate me, Dad." I can't help the tears that come to my eyes. I really don't want my dad to hate me. I want him to always love me like I love him. "I'm sorry if I did anything to make you feel sad or angry."

His stare gets even more intense, making me feel uncomfortable now. His grip tightens on my shoulders, forcing me to look up at him. A different kind of look enters his eyes that I don't understand.

"You look so much like your mother, you know that?" He asks. He touches my hair, then traces beneath my eyes, then the shape of my mouth. A soft smile spreads across his face as he continues observing me. "You look so much like her back in the day when she was so innocent and docile and sweet. I miss the old version of her."

"Mommy's still pretty too," I say.

He nods. "She is. But she was way prettier when she looked so innocent like you." He traces the shape of my mouth again.

"I want to see Mommy when she was prettier!"

His smile shutters off. "That's impossible now. She's gotten too tough. All I have are these eyes now. These lips. This face." He starts touching every part of my face now. "If I checked, would you even feel like her? Would you, Sean?"

"I have boy's skin, Dad. My skin is much tougher than Mommy's."

"I want to see." His eyes turn hazier, and his hands grab the hem of my t-shirt. Before I can ask what he's doing, he pulls it over my head.

"Is...it bath time?" I ask, confused. My parents only ever take off my clothes if I have to bathe or to change because we're going outside.

Dad doesn't reply to me. His hands come on my thin arms, running his knuckles across my skin, making goosebumps rise everywhere.

"Your skin is so soft." He murmurs, smiling contently. "Just like hers. Just like your mommy's."     

I want to argue that my skin is much tougher but before I can open my mouth, he suddenly lifts me and throws me on the couch, on my stomach.

Confusion filters through my brain. "Dad—"

"Shh. Let me pretend it's her."

A weight presses down on my back and my eyes widen when I feel my pants slipping down my thighs and away from my ankles.

"Dad...I don't like this..." I try wiggling free, but his hand presses further into my back, caging my tiny body.

"I told you to keep quiet, Sean. Don't ruin this image."

I want to ask him what image but before I can, I feel teeth on my shoulder. A shout escapes my lips when Dad bites, before licking the spot. He does it again and when I yell, he covers my mouth.

What is he doing? Why is he biting me?

"I don't want to hear your voice." He murmurs in my ear. The thick smell from the dark bottle surrounds me. His weight presses me down on the couch and suddenly I can't breathe.

Embarrassment courses through me. Dad isn't supposed to see me without my clothes, right? Mommy herself told me that I was getting big and that I needed to stop taking her help. I still dance around naked sometimes because it's fun, but right now I don't want to be without clothes at all. It feels wrong and bad and Dad's not acting himself too.

Why does he want me to pretend I'm Mommy? Me and mom don't even look that similar.

His hands are on my thighs, feeling my legs. I move and try to wriggle but then—something happens. I don't know what it is, but it happens and it's so bad and—I scream. I scream so loud. I scream and squirm to get away. Dad holds me down. He's hurting me but I don't know from where. All I know is that it hurts so bad. I try begging him to stop but he whispers mom's name in my ears and tells me how good I feel.

His hand is pressed tight against my mouth, muffling all my screams and pleas. It feels like I'm being ripped apart. Like he's rubbing me with thick knives and it's cutting me open everywhere. The smell from his dark bottle engulfs me, choking my airways. I can feel it seeping into me with each word from his mouth.

"Dad! Please! I'll be good! I'll make sure you won't hate me! Please!" I try pleading but it's of no use.

When I scream again, my voice disappears. My throat gets scratchy and I can't make a sound anymore. Tears run down my eyes, over Dad's hand, making it difficult for him to keep a tight hold on my mouth. Not that it matters. My voice isn't working. Did Dad do something to my voice?

Am I gonna lose my voice forever? The thought makes me cry harder. If I lose my voice then how am I gonna talk to Mommy and sing her songs?

"I've missed you so much, Jenny. So fucking much. This feels so much better now."

Dad feels better? This is making him feel better?

Distantly, Mom's voice reaches my head through all that pain. 'I want you to keep being daddy's best son. He might say some things but try ignoring them. Once you make him feel better, he'll be all okay. He needs all the support he can get. Alright?'

Was this what mommy meant?

Is this how I'm supposed to make Dad feel better?

It hurts so much though. So, so, much. I feel dizzy and like I'm about to vomit.

But...

Mommy gave me a real smile today after so long. She gave me a real smile when I promised her that I would be Dad's best son. I want Mommy to keep giving me those smiles. It makes me happy.

I want Dad to love me too. I don't want him to tell Mom that he doesn't want me. I want us to be happy again where we love each other and give each other real smiles like before.

A cry escapes my lips when Dad hurts me harder. Two dark spots grow on the couch with my tears, but Dad doesn't seem to stop. I cry harder and wait for him to stop hurting me. It's making him feel good, but I don't feel good at all. I feel far from it.

Finally, when it feels like years have passed, he moves away from me. A whimper leaves my mouth when something slides out of me, leaving me feeling exposed. My body feels paralyzed. I feel so much and nothing at the same time.

For a moment, the whole house is quiet. I'm scared to turn around and look for Dad in case he hurts me all over again for being a scaredy-cat and crying all over the couch.

Then I hear him, quietly whispering to himself.

"Fuck...fuck...fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!"

I close my eyes. Dad usually uses less bad words in front of me but tonight, he's using them a lot. It feels wrong to hear them from his mouth.

I try moving but everything hurts so much. My body feels numb. My head feels heavy against the cushion and my eyes burn and sting. I'm still lying without any clothes, but I can't move or do anything. Another round of tears fall from my eyes. Why does it hurt so much?

Hands land on my shoulder and I whimper as Dad turns me around. There's regret on his face and so much pain as if someone stabbed him.

"I'm so sorry...Sean...Fuck, I'm so sorry. I did not mean for this to happen. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm drunk and wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry." He lifts me and a pained noise escapes my lips. He's not hurting me anymore though, so why does it still hurt?

He carries me into the bathroom and places me down in the cold tub. Shivers go through my body, but I can't stop staring at the anguish on Dad's face.

My face crumbles and tears leak from my eyes again. "Did I do something wrong, Dad? Are you still feeling stressed?"

He squeezes his eyes shut, rubbing a hand across his face.

"Dad—"

"Just...give me a moment, Sean. Give me a moment." Saying that he turns on the tap and then sits on the closed toilet seat as water fills the tub.

He has his elbows on his thighs and face in his hands. It looks like he's sleeping.

The more warm water fills the tub, the more the pain seems to be going away. I look down and gasp when I see that the water is pink.

"Dad?" I whisper. "Why is there pink water coming from the tap?"

He looks up and pauses when he notices the colour. Standing up, he walks over to me and digs his hands in the water. I yelp when he grabs my ankles and pulls my legs apart. Embarrassment coats my skin again when he looks down. I try covering myself, but he holds my legs far apart.

Suddenly, he snatches himself away from me. He stalks to the other end of the bathroom and before I can ask him what's wrong, he drives his fist into the wall. A horrifying sound echoes through the bathroom and I cry out.

"Dad—"

"I told you to shut the fuck UP!" He spins around, yelling.

I cower away, my words dying in my throat.

Why is he so angry?

I thought I was being a good boy by letting him hurt me to get rid of his stress that Mom was talking about.

Is he gonna tell her again that he doesn't want me? What if Mommy stops wanting me too?

The thought makes me want to cry again, but I take one look at Dad and choke it all back in. If my crying makes Dad upset then I promise never to cry again.

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He hurt me a couple more times after that night. He always apologizes after, and I forgive him. I want to be his best son. Good sons always forgive their fathers no matter what.

I've been keeping it a secret from Mommy because Dad told me it would upset her too much.

I seem to be doing things that upset my parents. I don't know what else to do. I didn't want Mommy to be upset with me either, so I promised to keep it a secret.

I'm used to it now anyway. I think. The smell of the dark bottle doesn't make me wanna vomit anymore. It still hurts badly whatever Dad's doing to me, but he always takes care of me after and apologizes a hundred times. He still looks really angry and pained though. I don't know what to do.

During the morning, he ruffles my hair and gives me his smiles. But during the night, he turns into a completely different person.

He sometimes tells me those funny stories with his slurry voice while I sit in the bathtub and he sits on the closed toilet seat. He's so funny that I always end up giggling louder than necessary and then he has to shush me.

Tonight is another night that he stumbles into my bedroom. I'm already awake. For some reason since that first night, I haven't been able to sleep. My eyes are always wide open, waiting for him to walk in and hurt me again. I tell myself that I have to do it for Dad to love me again. But I still get so scared.

He's here again and despite telling myself that it's my own dad, my body still locks up. I really don't want to feel the pain. I hate how much it hurts. But I'm a strong boy. I'm Mommy's brave son that's never going to upset her.

He rips the blankets off me. His eyes are hazy and distant again. He looks at me from head to toe, observing every inch of my body.

"My pretty, pretty..." His voice trails off, not being able to finish his sentence. He tries getting on the bed but stumbles so badly that he falls face-first into the mattress.

I erupt into giggles, laughing behind my hand.

"You're so silly, Dad."

I'm still smiling when out of nowhere, my head is slammed to the wall. My cheek burns and my head feels dizzy. My eyes are blurry, and it takes me a moment to realize that he slapped me. Slowly, I reach a hand up to my face, touching the spot.

"Shut up, you runt. You think all this is funny?" He snaps at me.

The pain on my cheek feels like fire. I stop myself from crying, but it doesn't stop the pain.

"You want to be punished?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Then don't make me!"

I nod, vigorously.

"Good." Some of his anger simmers down. He looks at my face and then sighs. "You're a good boy, Sean. You really are. I'm just so messed up in the head right now. I know I should stop but fuck...the tiny moment of relief I get...I want that. I'm addicted to getting that tiny relief even though it's killing me on the inside."

I don't understand what's he saying so I keep quiet.

"I promise I'll stop this soon enough. When things get better, it'll automatically stop." He holds out his hand and I don't waste a second, huddling to his side, letting him pull me into a hug.

He slapped me but it doesn't matter. He's hugging me right now and it feels so much better than that slap. I know I should be angry at him. My parents never slap me. But it's hard to stay angry at Dad when he shows me rare affection like this.

The moment lasts too short though because he starts taking off my clothes again and I prepare myself for what's about to happen.

Except tonight doesn't go the same. Tonight, everything changes. Tonight was the moment, where my parents killed me. I tried helping them but instead, they reached into my soul and ended me in some way that I can never recover from.

Because when Dad's in the middle of making himself feel better, Mom walks into the room.

I didn't even notice her because of the pain and the ringing in my ears. One moment, I'm trying my hardest to remain quiet by biting down on my hand, and the next, Dad is ripped away from me.

A shrill cry pierces the room and I jerk up.

Mom's standing in front of me, horrified and appalled. Her hands are shaking so violently that I'm scared something will happen to her. Her mouth is open as if she's screaming but no words are coming out. Dad's on the floor, looking confused and trying to collect himself.

He looks up and frowns. "Jenny?"

For a moment, Mommy doesn't say anything. Her mouth is still open in that way which makes my heart beat faster.

Then the screaming starts.

She collapses to the floor, holding her stomach, screaming in broken words and lengths. She sounds like a mad woman, choking and screaming until she finally bends over and throws up.

Panic seizes my chest and I rush down the bed to her side.

"Mommy?" I shake her shoulder.

She doesn't stop vomiting. Even though nothing's coming out anymore, her body twitches and convulses as if she's going to vomit out her stomach.

"Mommy!" I shake her shoulder harder. I tell myself not to cry and to be strong. "Mommy!"

She finally turns her eyes on me. The moment she does, a floodgate opens as sobs wrack her body. She snatches me into her arms.

"My poor baby...my sweet child..." She sobs into my hair. "That's-that's why you were acting like this. Oh my god...Sean...why Sean? Why?" She cries harder.

My chest squeezes and I feel so horrible. This is why Dad told me to keep it a promise. Mom's crying so hard, I'm scared she's going to die crying. This is my fault. This is all my fault. I made mommy cry and now she's upset.

"Mommy..." I whisper. "It's alright, mommy. I'm helping Dad get rid of his stress. Just like you told me to. I'm helping him."

"Jenny..." Dad sits up, blinking.

Her arms loosen. She looks up at him and suddenly there's so much anger and hatred in her eyes.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" She screams, making me flinch. 

She lets go of me and charges at Dad like a wild animal. She slaps him across the face, grabbing his collar. My eyes widen. She doesn't stop there. She hits him repeatedly, striking his face and his chest as hard as she can, screaming and sobbing.

"How can you fucking do this to him? Our son. Our son! What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do this to him!"

There's blood dribbling down Dad's chin and nose but he still looks so confused as Mom continues attacking him.

I remain in the corner, my heart beating too fast and too hard for me to move. My body feels heavy and I'm so scared. Mommy looks like the monster from my nightmares. I thought she was always pretty but right now; she looks like a savage.

She's still hitting him when suddenly, Dad reaches up, seizing her wrist. He grabs her other hand and shoves her away from him. A deadly look appears on his face as he glares at Mom.

She tries freeing herself but Dad's too strong. Even in his silly state, he's still very strong.

He stands up and starts dragging Mom to the corner of the room, across from me. She yells and kicks but it's of no use. He pins her to the wall and before I can comprehend what's going on, he starts tearing her clothes.

"You know why this fucking happened?" He grabs Mom's throat, making her look into his eyes. "You wanna know why I did it? It's all because of you. All because you were fucking distancing yourself from me and I missed you. Why did you have to push me away, Jenny? Huh? Why did you let this happen? It's because of you. All because of you."

Mom shakes her head, vigorously, crying and pleading. Her eyes are squeezed shut as Dad tears the rest of her clothes. She tries struggling but then he strikes her across the face. When she looks back at him, there's blood dripping from her lip.

"Please. Please. Don't do this. Please, Ben. He's right there. Don't let him watch all of this."

"You should've fucking thought of that before you became a bitch!" He yells before he starts hurting her the same way he hurts me.

Mom cries out, screaming but he puts a hand on her mouth, crushing her head against the wall. When that doesn't work, he shoves her to the ground, straddling her waist and pinning her wrists to the floor. Her screams are so loud that I'm sure the windows almost shatter. Whenever she gets too close to slipping free, he hits her across the face and continues hurting her. Both of them look like twisted creatures from my nightmares. One screaming so loud that it hurts my head, and one looking so angry and lost that it makes me want to run.

My body remains paralyzed the whole time against my bed.

The whole time Dad hurts Mom, my eyes remain open. Watching. Taking in their faces. The faces that don't belong to my parents. Trying to figure out where my actual parents disappeared off to.

Somewhere in between, my heart finally calms down. It calms down to the point where I think it stopped beating. My body remains still and frozen, heavier than before as if forcing me to remain right there and not move. I watch the whole thing until my mind turns numb to everything. I watch the whole thing as darkness creeps into my vision, dimming everything else in sight except for the monsters right in front of me.

I watch the whole thing, letting every scream, sob and slap slowly diminish a part of me inside.

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A new family moved into the house beside ours. I stare from the window as a man and woman move in and out, carrying boxes and furniture. The sun is shining brightly in the air despite the dark atmosphere at home. The sky is clear and blue and butterflies are flying about.

That's not what catches my attention though.

There is a girl.

She's dancing on the front lawn, barefoot on the grass.

Music plays from a tiny speaker and she twirls around to it, doing high jumps and elegant poses with her arms. Her hair catches in the sunlight, looking like a waterfall of gold. Her fluffy white dress makes her look like an angel straight from heaven.

My head tilts as I watch the smile on her face. A smile that looks happy and satisfied at the same time. She continues dancing and I can't stop staring at her. Her dress flies about as she twirls, and her hair blows with the wind.

It's been so long since I saw something...bright. So long since I've seen light.

I almost forgot what a person looks like when their eyes shine with their smile. A few weeks ago, I would've done anything for that type of smile. I still would but now I know it's impossible for something like that to ever happen in this house.

I tried my best to keep Mommy and Dad happy but somehow they got even more upset and even angrier now. Dad drowns himself with alcohol all the time and Mom started playing around with this white powder. I thought it was her makeup but then she started rubbing it on her tongue or putting it in her nose.

It makes her act crazy sometimes, but I don't complain. That's the only time I see her smiling and relaxed. It doesn't last though. It never does.

She still gets angry and hits Dad. She still cries and hugs me so tightly that my bones nearly crack. Dad hurts both of us but Mom seems to enjoy it sometimes. She laughs like a maniac, calling my dad bad names while he hurts her. They hit each other to the point where there's blood on the floor, but none of them stop. Never.

The golden girl is still twirling when the man calls her name. She stops and looks at him, letting out a huge grin. Not wasting a second, she runs into his arms as he swoops her up and kisses her cheek.

I wait for him to tear her clothes and start hurting her too. I wait for his face to change from that kind expression into that of anger. I wait for the girl's screams to pierce the air and for her pain to ease my numbness.

None of that happens though.

He locks the truck and carries the girl inside, shutting the door after him.

I remain standing near the window for a long time. Waiting. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a sign to appear that she's suffering the same way I am.

But nothing happens.

Curiosity enters my mind.

I look behind to see Mom and Dad passed out on the couch. Making sure they're asleep, I open the door and sneak out.

I round the girl's house until I find a window I can look in through. I fully expected to see the horrors of my house happening here too, but my eyebrows rise when I see the girl sitting on the couch with the TV playing in front. The man and the woman are laughing in the kitchen, cooking something. They're playing around and talking away with those huge smiles on their faces and light shining brightly in their eyes.

I remain standing there, so long until my legs start aching and the sky starts darkening.

Nothing happens.

They've eaten, cleaned up the place, and the girl danced again.

I go back home with their faces etched into my mind.

The moment I'm in, a hand strikes across my face, sending me flying back into the wall.

"Where the hell have you been?" Mom yells at me. There's panic in her voice despite the anger on her face.

I pick myself up, bowing my head. "Sorry, mommy. I was walking around."

"Walking around?" She slaps me one more time. I don't make a sound. Don't even let a tear out. "You bastard! You gave me a heart attack!" Then she crouches down and pulls me into her arms, hugging me to her chest. "I was so worried something happened to you."

"I'm alright, mom."

She cradles my head, raking her hands through my hair. At some point, I remember loving this so much. I remember loving her fingers through my hair, loving her voice, her scent, her hugs. But it's not her anymore. I'm in the arms of a monster.

I have to live with them until my actual parents come back and take my numbness away. These ugly creatures have been here for too long. I just have to remain strong enough like my parents wanted me to and soon they'll be back. They'll be shining and smiling and everything will be alright again. Just like how it was in the girl's house.

"You're mommy's good little boy, aren't you, Sean?"

"Yes, I am."

~ Age Fifteen ~

It's unfair how someone can have so much bright light that they're literally bathing in it. Whenever I see people with shining eyes and real smiles, I want to grab their heads and crush them with my bare hands. I want to see what's inside there. I want to see what's so different in their heads than in mine.

Them mostly referring to the girl sleeping soundly in my arms.

I don't get her.

I showed her the worst part of me tonight and yet she's sleeping beside me, stretched out like a cat as if it's her own personal home.

She got pissed at me because I refused to date her and she even stopped talking to me. Real fucking nice on her part. If she liked me so much like she claimed then why would she stop talking to me?

Those three days that I was without her were maddening as fuck.

Whenever the darkness comes too close to consume my mind, I seek her out. She's always so bright that it soothes the chaos brewing in my head.

So when she avoided me for three fucking days, I nearly beat someone from the football team to death. He had it coming but it was difficult to remind myself that these humans are fragile. So fragile that I could easily kill them if I wanted to.

That's what happens when I don't have her beside me.

Since I met her on the porch that day in front of my house, she's been tethering my sanity to my mind. The numbness is still there but it's easy to ignore it when she's around.

I thought she was so fucking brave for putting up with me and my abnormal behaviour. She stuck with me and remained by my side even after I beheaded those cats to see inside their heads. To see what was so different in their brains than in mine. Even cats fucking smile with that light.

Holly didn't run away like I expected her to. She helped me bury those cats and then made me promise her that I wouldn't do things like that again. I realized a normal person doesn't behead things like it's a normal fucking thing.

See. This is why I need her. She keeps me in check and stops me from crossing a line that I can never come back from. Like killing a person.

But then she goes and fucking avoids me, so I had to do something to bring her back. I don't get why she was so upset. She knows I'm not the feeling type so why did she expect I'd have any feelings for her?

Whatever. I know exactly what key card to pull to permanently seal her to me.

When night fell, I forced those fake tears from my eyes and climbed into her room. I was surprised by how many fake tears I could pour out while she hugged me and promised me that she'd never leave me.

Then to prove her promise, she let me undress her and take her virginity.

Having sex is a pleasure. That's what they all say. That's what they all boast about in the boys' locker room. About how sex is so amazing and feels so great.

Then how come I wanted to wrap my hands around Holly's pretty little throat and choke her to death while I rammed inside her?

She stared up at me the whole time, looking straight into my eyes. Her eyes burned with desire and lust. A few times she grunted in pain but that was it. She was actually fucking enjoying it.

The whole time I thrust inside of her, I kept thinking:

Where are the screams?

Where are the abuse and the vulgar words?

Why is she not screaming and begging me to let her go while striking me across the face?

There was a lot of blood coating my dick and dripping to the sheets, but Holly never pushed me away or screamed at me. She looked pained but she didn't say anything.

Confusion and curiosity took the best of me.   

That night changed my mind in so many ways.

Whenever Dad raped me, I snuck directly into Holly's room and took it all out on her. I test her out in so many ways, going harder and faster and brutal. Anything to get a scream of terror out of her.

Sometimes her face blurs away and instead, I see Dad's. That's when the darkness returns, consuming my mind and sight. When it disappears, I find myself choking the shit out of Holly and her just taking it.

She hugs me too after all that and it confuses the fuck out of me.

It's so unfair.

So fucking unfair.

Why is there light still shining in her eyes after I use her? How is it still clinging to her like a second skin, making her glow?

Nothing gets to her. 

It's so fucking unfair that she's not suffering and I am. How can she have so much light while mine's been killed a long time ago?

So I hurt her.

I try my best to break her.

I try so hard that it's become an addiction.

It never goes out though. She meets me with every stab, for every pain, for every single thing I throw at her.

She's stubborn. Very fucking stubborn.

It's like she knows what's going on in my mind and she refuses to cave in. She actually enjoys this. I thought I was the abnormal one, but I didn't realize how abnormal Holly was too.

Every night, I go to her room, telling myself that I'm doing this to break her, to ruin her. I want to see her dancer feet bleeding and broken. I want to mangle her arms and watch her cry blood.

That's what I tell myself.

That's what I keep telling myself.

Until one day, I realize, it isn't like that anymore.

I call my parents a monster, but I didn't realize when I myself turned into one. 

The only reason I go to Holly is because she sees me. The way I accepted my monsters for who they were, Holly accepted me too. She sees all of me and knows what's going on and she still chooses to stick to my side.

I promise I'll never leave you.

And she doesn't.

A few more nights later, the violent, chaotic thoughts in my head dimmed down. Every time I watch her sleeping beside me like an angel with no care in my arms. Every time she flashes her mischievous bold smile. Every time she accepts me whole and wraps her arms around me. Every moment with her makes me realize that somewhere in between I've fallen in love with her.

It's not the type of love that makes me feel something. It's the twisted type, where destruction echoes in every corner of my mind. It's the type where it pulls me apart on the inside, leaving me open and exposed. I fucking hate feeling this way but the obsession I've developed with this girl doesn't allow me to do anything about it.

I know I love her because she's the only person I've voluntarily let into my head. There was some nagging and forcing on her part too, but I've never stopped her. I love her to the point where she's making me mad, and I allow her to. I don't hide my demons from her the way I do with everyone else outside. I let her see all of me, emotionless and unfeeling. She accepts my twisted nature and isn't afraid no matter what I do. I love her to the point where I think about killing everyone else except for her.

What makes my love so sure for her is how much power I let her have on me. I never let people get the upper hand. With my parents is a different case where I'm just bidding my time and waiting until they come back to me. But Holly, she has so much power and influence over me that one day without her, and I go crazy.

A person like me shouldn't develop obsessions. It's dangerous. Too fucking risky. But it happened. I'm obsessed with her. I'm possessive of her. My heart doesn't beat for her but the way my body lusts after her, tells a different story.

She's a wild one. She's loud, carefree and a fucking devil herself. I know I can't keep her all to myself without having to lie that I feel something for her. Lying takes a lot of effort and it's just pointless. Holly isn't dumb either, so she'll figure out soon enough that where there's supposed to be a heart, is a big empty black hole in my chest.

So I give her some freedom. She can fuck whoever she wants as long as she always comes back to me. I thought I only had to worry about guys but my irritation spikes when I see her getting it on with girls too.

If I tell her to stop, she'll compare herself to a caged bird and demand that I let her go. I wouldn't. Then she'll leave me herself because she hates being cornered.

I've seen her ruin the lives of other people. That little black phone of hers can cause humiliation to the point where they disappear, never to show their faces again.

You can't keep a girl like that all to yourself and expect her to not want to flee.

Whatever.

She can fool around, suck, fuck, kill whoever she likes.

In the end, no matter what, she'll always belong to me. She'll always come back to me.

Because I know she loves me too. It's not the destructive, obsessive one like mine but it's still love, nonetheless.  

~ Age Seventeen ~

Dad got fucking mad again and threw a piece of glass at my face. It cut me across my cheekbone, sending blood dripping down to my jaw. Violent splashes of red and black whirled across my vision and for a moment, my arm almost whipped out, urging me to clamp my hand across his throat and fucking snap his neck.

It'll be so easy.

I just have to flick my wrist this way and there. It'll be fucking done. One less thing to consume my mind.

I almost do it.

He's right there, drunk out of his fucking mind. He wouldn't know what's coming his way. My fingers itch. My eyes strain, and my body thrums with the excitement of cutting his skin open and watching that thick dark fluid flow down his skin.

Right when my urges almost consume me, I force myself to step back and charge out of the house.

Cold air fills my lungs and I gasp out. I bang my head against the railing of the porch, using pain to get rid of the need to watch blood. It's a temporary distraction but it almost calms me down. I hurt my forehead enough to only bruise and be careful to not cut myself instead.

If I see my own blood, then I'll go back to thinking about theirs.

This is all her fault.

All because she fucking left.

After all those promises and hugs and smiles, she ran away with him.

She didn't just run to him. No. She fucking fell in love with him. I can see it in her eyes. The way she gets defensive over him. The way her eyes soften when she talks about him. She becomes a completely different person around him.

I've never wanted to kill someone more than I wanted to kill Castle.

Every time I see him, I imagine his head cracked open while Holly sobs over his body, regretting every single decision she made about leaving me.

I can't do that though. If I do that, she'll leave me for good. I know it. Right now, I have a chance to get her back without killing the bastard.

I don't know how though. She doesn't even let me call him a wimp without getting so defensive. I feel so powerless, it's infuriating.

Releasing a breath, I sit on the chair outside, barefoot and only in a thin t-shirt against the freezing weather. I don't wanna go back inside just yet.

I stare at the sky for a long time until a passing car catches my attention. A man gets out carrying pizza boxes, heading over to Holly's house.

The door opens and she steps out. I nearly jerk up from my seat to run towards her and grab her in my arms. To hold her close to me and ruin anyone who dares to take what's mine.

She's smiling at the delivery guy, waving him goodbye and I want to tear him apart for getting her smile.

She doesn't smile at me anymore. No. Those are only preserved for everyone else around her but fucking me.

I stare at the delivery guy, watching him get into his car and leave. I still watch the same spot even after he's left. Because I can feel Holly's eyes on me.

She stands there in the cold for so long that I think she's frozen.

My eyes flick in her direction.

Her pink lips are parted. She's wearing a t-shirt that shows off the curves of her body. Her hair is still the same—the main attraction of everything that defines her.

She stares at me for a long time, contemplation flickering through her eyes.

I wait for her to make a move. I wait for her to choose.

Are you really going to leave me and break your promise? I thought you loved me no matter what I did. Then why are you letting another man change your decision?

She still has so much power over me. So much that I'm ready to forget my pride and beg her to come back. My head's been killing me these past few days. It's so loud and chaotic. I can't sleep at night and when I do, it's a restless sleep filled with violence and destruction.

I need her to calm the thoughts in my head. I almost killed the monster inside and barely stopped myself. If I do then I'll forever lose the chance to get my parents back. This whole time, I've been able to keep patient because I had her by my side.

She pleaded and begged me to get help and call the police on my parents. But then how will I make sure that they come back to me? What if Mom finally comes out and I'm not there to feel her? What if she goes back to the monster when she realizes I'm not there around her?

If I call the cops on my parents, then they'll take me away from Holly too. They'll ship me off somewhere when they realize I'm abnormal. If that happens, then I'll just fucking kill myself. After twelve years with Holly by my side, there's no way I can survive anywhere on this earth but beside her.

No one realizes that though. They have no idea what's at stake.

My eyes remain locked with hers for so long until I'm sure she can feel my fingers on her body, demanding to know the answer.

She gives it to me.

She gives it to me, and it shatters the gates in my mind that she has the key to. The gates that keep all those violent thoughts at bay.

She lowers her eyes and pulls the door shut.

...

There she goes again, running after Castle like a lovesick puppy.

I watch her through the window while she texts away on her phone with this huge smile on her face as she walks down the street.

The thoughts in my head squeeze against the inside of my skull, begging me to let them out and watch them play in action.

I watch Holly, a part of me begging for her to turn around and run to me instead. To come here and free me of these thoughts. To reach out and save me from my own destruction.

She doesn't though.

She's pulling farther away from me, taking away my sanity.

My eyes watch, desperate for another look at her face. Anything to keep me lucid. Her hair blows across with the wind, her steps light and balanced like the dancer she is.

She walks and walks and walks...then disappears.

My hands flatten against the windowpane. My head pressed to the glass, staring with wide eyes at the empty road. I stare so hard as if she's going to appear again, running towards me.

I stare and stare and stare.

The gates are breaking and each splinter of it punctures my senses. The gates are breaking, and darkness slips into the corner of my eyes. The monsters are returning and they're snatching me away.

I breathe hard against the window. My breath fogs up the glass. A noise escapes my lips, but I don't know for what. It sounds haunted, ripped from a broken man's throat and thrust into my mouth. An ache spreads across my chest. Suddenly I can't breathe.

They're consuming my mind.

They're all over me.

They're taking over everything and she's not here anymore to keep them away.

With a gasp, I snatch myself away from the window.

Clutching my head, I stumble into the kitchen. Turning on the faucet, I fill the sink with water before dunking my head into it. My nose burns and my ears pop. Cold fills my lungs. I keep my head underwater. Keep inhaling the freezing liquid.

My thoughts numb a little but it's still not enough to distract them.

They're banging against gates, demanding their freedom.

I need Holly. I need her so badly.

I need her to quiet my brain. To plunge inside her and let my obsession override the darkness. I need her light. Fuck.

My brain begs my body to pull myself out. To let the oxygen in. My legs are shaking, and my hands clench the sink so tight. Nothing matters though. Because if I pull myself out of this, I might do something beyond reparable.

While I don't really give a fuck, I don't want to be snatched away without seeing the light in my parents' eyes again. I don't want to be gone before making Holly mine again.

FUCK.

Why is everyone running away from me? The people whom I want see me as a villain when all I want is for them to just fucking stay and show me some goddamn care.

Why did I have to suffer?

Why was it me?

My five-year-old self never asked for this. I never asked to be fucking raped and then cast aside like my parent's own personal sex and abuse toy. Why is the only girl I love running away to another man when I need her more desperately than him? 

Just why, why, did it have to be. Fucking. Me?

Who gave these people permission to enter my head and mess everything up? Who gave them the right to make me beg for their light while they didn't care about mine? Who gave them the fucking right to anything about me?

Fog filters through my brain.

My mind starts numbing and a grin spreads across my lips. Before I can do anything though, my legs give out and I fall to the floor, banging my head on the kitchen counter on the way.

I blink up at the ceiling, watching the corners blur and my focus shifting in and out.

Fuck. I forgot lack of oxygen does this.

Whatever.

The thoughts stopped banging against the gates at least. A fit of coughs takes over my body, pushing out the water that I inhaled. After those subside, I sag back down against the floor. A laugh escapes my mouth while I gasp and pant as air rushes back into my lungs.

I have no idea why I laugh when I don't find things funny at all. Sometimes my body does things without my permission, and I don't know what to do about it. I've always put it aside as a natural reaction.

I'm still staring at the ceiling when a blurry face appears in my vision.

Red eyes stare down at me, belonging to a woman with sandy hair and a crusted face. Her eyebrows furrow in worry.

"Are you alright, my baby?" Mom asks, nervously wringing her hands together. Her nails are cracked and lost their shine long ago.

I inhale a huge breath of air, filling my lungs, before sitting up.

"Yes, mom."

"Why are you all wet?"

"Just washing up my hair. Too lazy to take an actual shower." I stand up, ignoring the way my t-shirt clings to my chest because of the water.

She stares up at me. Her eyes are haunted, void and completely detached. Her hair no longer glistens or looks pretty. It's a clumped mess on her head that she barely takes the time to brush. Her body is so thin, I can break her in half.

She's not my mother. Whoever she is, she's not mine. My mother is still inside her though. I know it.

Whenever she worries over me or calls me her sweet baby, or her gorgeous son, I know it's my actual mother speaking from deep inside this imposter.

I'm a patient person. Always have been. Some people at school think I'm the complete opposite, but it takes one to know what patience actually fucking means. I've been patient with these monsters for twelve years. Twelve whole fucking years.

I can go a few more years until Mom comes out and takes my hand again.

I know she will.

Because I haven't given up on her.

And she won't either. I know she's trying her best to be there for me. It's failing. But she's still trying.

Right now, I can see hints of her poking through the imposter. Her eyebrows are scrunched in worry like how she always did twelve years back. She called me her baby which she barely does nowadays.

Her hand reaches out, bony and thin. I startle. She stopped touching me a long time ago. Her face gets all panicked and worried whenever I'm near. It's like she forgets who I am and then gets worried when she remembers.

Slowly, she cups my cheek. I close my eyes, relishing her touch. Her skin feels soft despite the dryness of it. Her touch feels welcoming.

I open my eyes to see tears in hers.

I freeze. I stop blinking altogether.

Moments pass by.

She remains standing in front of me. The corners of her eyes soften with each second. The tears pool until a single one slips down her cheek.

She's crying.

She's crying after so fucking long.

Finally.

Finally.

My gaze never leaves her.

My eyes beg her to break free. To tear open through everything and come back to me. I can feel it. She's almost there.

Her eyes flicker across my face as if taking me in as a new person.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Come back to me. Come back to me, Mom.

Her eyes meet mine again and my knees almost break in relief when a new emotion crosses her face. Recognition.

"Sean." Her whisper sounds like memories.

"Are you there?" I'm too scared to ask. Too hopeful.

I've never been scared after those events twelve years back. Never felt anything except for those raging violent thoughts. But right now...I'm terrified. Terrified that this moment could revive or further destroy me.

Her fingers move up to my hair, brushing through the wet strands. I hold my breath, watching her face for anything else.

Come back to me, Mom.

Fucking. Come. Back. To me.

I've waited too long.  

I've waited too fucking long.

Another tear slips down her cheek and her hand comes on my arm.

"Sean." She's full-on crying now.

"It's okay, mom. It's okay." I assure her, still too afraid to make a move.

"My sweet child." She clutches my arms for support.

"Are you there?"

She sobs, her head hanging down her shoulders.

My chest tightens and loosens at the same time. Finally daring to make a move, I lift my hand. I don't know for what. I just want to feel what my mother would feel like again. Would she feel tender and soft like she was all those years back? Would she feel like warmth and comfort?

I don't know. I'm too fucking scared to find out.

Right when my fingers brush her shoulder, letting my brain slip into this meaningless thing called hope, Dad stumbles into the kitchen.

"Where the fuck are all of you?" He yells.

Mom gasps, staggering away from me. Her face shutters off. Haziness clouds her eyes again. She wipes her tears, making it look as if they weren't there at all. A flicker of fear crosses her features as she looks at my father.

She moves back, and walks and walks and walks until she reaches the—

No.

No...

No.

She injects a shot into her arm, sagging with relief as if she found shelter in a storm. As if she saved herself from a terrible mistake.

"What the hell is going on here?" Dad questions, looking between me and her.

I'm stuck in time.

I can't move.

I can't breathe.

She was there.

She was almost there.

She nearly came back to me.

After twelve years of trying so hard, she almost made it tonight.

But then...

But then—he ruined it.

He chose the wrong time and fucking ruined it. He always ruins everything. All those years back, it was him. Now, it's him again.

"Answer me, someone, goddamnit!"

A timer goes off in my head. Tick. Tick. Tick. Mechanically, I turn around to face him.

His eyes are droopy and barely open. He lost weight and looks absolutely shit with the unwashed hair and stinking clothes. There's irritation on his face as he looks at Mom.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

"All of you are fucking useless. Can't even talk now? One is over there fucking high on crack and this one over here is staring at me like a goddamn statue. Stop this nonsense and—"

An explosion goes off.

I don't even know how it happened. One moment, I'm standing completely still as if I'm paralyzed, and the next, I'm pinning my father to the wall, crushing his throat between my fingers.

He gasps, his eyes popping open. He tries tugging my hands away but it's of no use now. No fucking use. Even if I wanted to stop myself, it's too late.

The gates are burst open. My thoughts are charging past each other, too excited, too desperate to be let out. They consume my mind like a dark ocean, plunging me deep into damnation. Darkness collides with darkness until my vision blackens and I can't see anymore.

I grip the motherfucker's throat in my hands, wringing it until he's begging me through gasps to let him go. His nails are a failed attempt on my skin. His kicks are useless.

All my efforts. Everything that I've been doing for them. Gone. Gone in an instant. All because of him. It started with him and now it's going to end with him.

Life slowly seeps underneath my hands, catching my attention. Fascination rips through me. His face starts turning purple and his voice gets high-pitched. His attempts start lagging. I'm so intrigued that I slow down. Ease up a little and capture the exact moment when his soul leaves his body. I almost expect to turn around and see Death standing right behind my shoulder.

But he's not. It's mom who's crying and shaking in fear.

A grin splits my face when Dad's body starts turning limp. His hands fall by his sides and his face is pink and purple. I clench my fingers, ending it once and for all. His eyes fall shut and his body sags.

I still don't let him go though.

You can't trust monsters. You'll never know when they'll spring back up and attack you from behind.

It feels like years when I finally loosen my fingers. One by one. My hands unclench and he drops to the floor...just like that.

His limbs are in a weird position and his face is still purple.

I stare at him for a long time, watching the now dead person simply lying there on the floor.

Just like that?

It's that easy to take a life?

Fuck...I thought it would be harder than that. Everyone goes on and on about life and how important it is. So how come it was so easy to snatch one away?

I look down at my hands. They're bruised and rough with callouses. I always imagined killing him but I never knew how it would feel. I look back down at the dead body and burst out laughing.

"Seriously?" I laugh so hard, that I nearly keel over. "Like what the actual fuck? He just went out. Like a lightbulb. This was the monster tormenting me for these past years? This stupid drunk who couldn't even save his life? What the actual fuck?"

My stomach hurts until I feel like I'm gonna get a new set of abs by how much I'm laughing.

Distantly, a noise registers in my brain.

Turning around, I notice mom slumped by the wall, crying into her hands. She stares at me, horrified.

I don't like that look on her face.

Slowly, I walk towards her.

Her eyes widen and she lets out a frightened noise.

"There. There." I assure her. "Just give me back my mother, and nothing will happen."

She continues whimpering, tears wetting her face.

I wait for her to get it together. Like I said, I'm a patient person.

She doesn't move though. She continues crying and mumbling incoherent things under her breath. Her gaze flicks from the dead body behind me to my face.

Sighing, I grab her arm and pull her up. She screams.

I glare, pushing her up against the wall. She starts hitting my chest but they're as pathetic as my so-called father. Oh, wait. He isn't anything anymore.

"Stop that." I grab both her hands in mine. "Just let my mother out and nothing will happen to you."

She still makes frantic tries to escape me. Shaking her head vigorously, she continues screaming at me to get away.

"What?" I frown at her. "Am I not your baby anymore?"

"Get away from me!" She yells, then spits at my face.

My eyes fall shut.

My chest expands with rage, simmering to the top, filling my veins. The thoughts in my head turn even more violent. If I thought they were destructive before, I had no idea how much more ruination they could cause.

Opening my eyes, I grab her arm and drag her to the middle of the kitchen. She fights me the whole way, but she just had a shot so she's wobbly. Dropping her to the floor, I grab a knife and stand over her.

"I've been asking very nicely, you monster."

"Please...please...please get away from me."

"I will once you give my mother back. Why can't you do that one simple thing?"

"I am your mother!" She snaps, sobbing through her words.

A glare slides on my face that could freeze a volcano. "If you were my mother, you would've saved me a long time ago when Dad became a monster and turned me into one too. But you're not. Only a monster would watch her son die and not do anything about it."

She shakes her head. "I made a mistake. A huge one. I'm so sorry—" Her words cut off on a yelp when I crouch down.

Grabbing the back of her neck, I hold it firm and bring the knife to her throat.

"The only mistake you made was taking her away when I needed her the most." My voice gets low to a calmer tone.

"I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry, Sean. I should've realized it. I should've known!"

"Then why didn't you?" I snap, tightening my hold on her neck. "Why didn't you fucking stop everything? Why did you let all those things happen?"

"Because I was scared!" She sobs, looking as ugly as ever with those tears and her regretful face. "I was scared of losing my husband and losing you in the process because he would take you away!"

"So you just decided that him hurting me every single fucking day, playing with my sanity, driving me to the point of madness, was better?"

She shakes her head, mumbling rapidly. "I was a victim too, Sean! He hurt me too! My mind's so broken that I can't think at all. I didn't know. I really didn't know. I'm so sorry, Sean. I never wanted this life for you."

"Now you're sorry? You were never sorry when you shot those fucking drugs up your body to forget about me. Every time Dad fucked me, you turned a blind eye and took your drugs to forget you had a son. You completely forgot that you're my mother. How are you fucking sorry?"

She's crying so hard that her words start choking on each other. She's barely able to keep her head upright.

"You didn't even see half the things he did to me." I lean closer to her face, wanting her to see the absolute menace in my eyes. "Did you know he fucked me with the hilt of the same knife I'm holding right now? Did you know he cut me on my thighs and my arms to watch me bleed because he enjoyed it? He got so consumed by his own mind that he completely forgot that I'm a fucking human too! It all started because he missed you. He missed my mother and when she wasn't there, guess who he turned to?"

Tick. Tick. Tick. Another timer goes off in my head

This time it's my patience that's on the line.

"Give me back my mother!" I demand, shaking her.

She startles, mumbling incoherently about something that I don't fucking understand.

"Last chance before I rip her out myself and end you." I threaten, pointing the knife at her chest.

Then she slaps me.

She fucking slaps me.

Time stops.

I didn't even know she had that much strength. My face whips to the side. The pain doesn't come though. I'm too used to much worse for a slap to hurt anymore. But guess what happens instead?

Another explosion.

I stop thinking again and my body moves on its own accord.

I shove her to the ground, straddling her waist. She screams and thrashes underneath me. I'm done being patient though. So fucking done. It's done nothing so far. I'm done dealing with them. I'm done suffering in silence and letting my mind rot. I'm just so fucking done. Without another thought, I raise my hand and bring the knife down.

She gasps.

I drag the hilt from her chest down to her hip. Blood gushes out like a fountain, coating my hands and soaking into my jeans within seconds. Excitement courses through me as I open her up. I barely register that her eyes remain open and that she's stopped moving. The sight of it all makes me feel giddy.

For how long have I imagined this exact moment.

For how long I've waited.

I'm so happy that I erupt into laughter. Only...something doesn't happen.

My hands pause that were digging into her flesh. The silence of the room finally catches up to my brain.

I stop and stare.

My mind is trapped in a splitting realization.

I've opened her up.

But she's not here...

Where's mom?

Where's my mother?

My hands start shaking as I slowly drag my eyes from her bleeding flesh up to her face. It looks gray and faded like the voidness in her eyes. Her mouth is dropped open into a silent scream and her eyes stare up at the ceiling.

I shake her shoulder. The action causes more blood to dribble out.

"Mom?" I whisper.

I shake her shoulder harder.

"Mom! Where are you?"

She doesn't move. She doesn't wake up. The walls start closing in on me. My thoughts taunt me in my head, calling me a stupid fucking fool. Pressure builds beneath my eyes. I jerk up with a gasp, clutching my head and stumbling around the kitchen, bumping into things.

No.

No.

NO.

Where is she?

I pick up my knife and stab it into my father's body. It makes a squelching sound but nothing else. I stab him again but he barely moves. I drag him closer to Mom's body then dig through their flesh and organs, but I can't find them anywhere.

A fool.

A stupid fucking fool I am.

I'm so fucking foolish.

For so long I've seen them as monsters that I completely forgot that they're human beings. How could I fucking forget? I knew killing them wouldn't bring them back. I fucking knew that! Then why did I kill them? Why did I pick up the knife?

The thoughts in my head urged me to. They blocked off all reasoning and comprehension in my head, letting my body take its own course of action. I let them win over me and this is what happened.

FUCK!

I grip my hair between my fingers, tugging on them harshly. When I look at my hands, they're coated in blood. I wish for it to go away. I wish for time to rewind so I can take it all back. I wish for it so bad that a cry escapes my lips. I fall to my knees and bang my head against the ground. I punch it until my knuckles split open and blood oozes out, mixing with the rest.

Why? Why? Why? Why did I fucking do it? Why did I let those demons take over me? All I remember was feeling powerful and in control when I held their lives in my hands. I remember being so excited at finally getting rid of the imposters who plagued my mind and tortured it to numbness.

Now they're gone. All of them.

I won't be getting my mother back. I won't be getting my father back. I'll never have a family again.

I pound my head into the floor once more, letting the blow knock my teeth together. Spent, I collapse to the ground, gasping.

I'm lying in a pool of blood, but it doesn't bother me. My parents' bodies are right in front of me, staring at me in the face.

A few moments pass by, and the silence gets louder. My mind is too tortured and ruptured to feel the emptiness inside. A realization comes over me. I haven't lost everything yet. I lost my parents for good but there's still one more person who I haven't lost.

Sitting up, I cross my legs, staring into the lifeless faces of my parents. I blink. Then blink harder. Nothing. There's nothing in my chest. I pinch myself but the pain doesn't register either. My body feels as numb as my mind. Picking up the knife, I point it towards my own chest and contemplate plunging it in. I want to tear my body open and see if I have a heart of my own anymore or not.

I stop myself at the last second.

Something loosens the deepest part of my body. It's like coming home after a long day out in the sun and dipping into cold water. It feels so much like...relief.

Freedom.

Joy.

I stare at my parents, thinking hard.

If they're not alive anymore, then that means...that means that there's no one holding me back.

I don't have any monsters on my tail anymore.

I don't have them ripping me off my sanity.

I don't have them chasing after me, forcing me to let go of those maniacal thoughts.

They're all spent anyway.

I've been waiting for twelve years, waiting and bidding my time for my parents to come out and save me. But they didn't. It's all their fucking fault. They had so much time, but they decided to waste it away.

I stopped feeling emotions long ago so there's no sadness in my heart. I can only imagine those feelings but never have the privilege of actually feeling them.

Still, somehow my body is drunk with happiness.

I don't have any monsters controlling my life anymore.

I'm free.

I'm finally free.

Will I start feeling emotions again? There's no one to numb my mind anymore. Can I finally start to develop feelings? Will Holly finally love me back and decide to stay with me?

She did say that she would've been with me if I was different.

I'm different now. I can be different. I finally have a chance to let myself fly free and not worry about anyone holding me down.

Holly's too stubborn nowadays though so I'll have to play the emotional manipulation again. I have to be ready to shed tears and fake agony. Whatever. I've done it multiple times. The last time did not work on her, but maybe this time with the dead bodies, she'll be convinced. She'll finally realize how much I need her and how much I love her.

An excited grin comes on my face as I pick up my phone. I'm getting my girl back. Holly Versace, you're mine.

~ Age Twenty ~

I watch from upstairs, down at the happy family.

I don't know for how long, but I simply sit there on the stairs, concealed well enough and watch them have their dinner. There's chatter and insults thrown around at each other. Not once does anyone quiet down.

I don't care about them though.

The only person I care about is playing footsie under the table with another man.

She's still gorgeous.

Her face matured a little around the corners, making her look sharp and elegant. There's pink and peach makeup on her face, making her look like a fairy.

I rest my elbows on my knees, watching her laugh and play around with her family. Her shoulders are sharp and slender just like the rest of her body. She has a certain edge to herself that makes her look so feminine but in a dangerous way. It should be illegal how big and alluring her gray eyes look.

She looks happy. Really happy.

Does she ever think about me?

I bet not. I bet she's glad I've finally gone out of her and Castle's life. I don't blame her. I'd be glad too.

Before coming here, I went to the place where my parents were buried. Even though grass and bushes had taken over the entire area, I knew exactly where they were buried. I sat in front of their graves, reliving every past moment in my head.

I try to think of my mother before she turned into a monster, but I can't anymore. All I can remember are my hands, desperately digging through their flesh, trying to find her.

My head still aches sometimes when I think about that night.

For the first few months, I remembered everything vividly. Every single detail about my life from when I was a child. What I did not feel anymore was the chaos. That raging chaos that used to torment my mind.

My head is finally silent.

There's no one whispering taunts in my ears.

There's no one banging against the inside of my skull to be let free.

Since I got rid of my parents, it's been quiet up there.

I'm not used to that feeling. At all. The first year, I found it peculiar that I slept so easily during the night and woke up feeling alright.

It was even strange that I didn't have urges to see someone bleed anymore. My hands lost their itch to grab people and crack open their skulls to look inside. I seriously thought I would turn into a serial killer being this far from Holly.

No one told me I would feel this empty instead.

I still love her. Goddamnit. I do. But somewhere in between, I realized that she's never going to love me back the same way I do. My love requires her to be attached to me, to be with me at all times and never leave my side. I'm not as obsessed with her anymore after killing my parents. My body remembers the feel of her, but it doesn't lust after her the same way it used to do in that dark, twisted way.

I miss her. I never thought I could miss a person, but I missed her. I don't even know for what. I don't need her anymore to soothe my brain. I don't need her anymore to calm those violent thoughts. I just missed her.

I don't know why I came here. After visiting my parent's grave, maybe I just wanted a glimpse of her. I climbed our tree that's still there and snuck in through her window. Something stirred in my chest at the familiarity of pulling myself through the frame and landing on her floor. Her room is still the same. I even sniffed her pillows to see if she had the same scent or not. She did.

My jaw clenched when I saw a framed photo of me and her sitting on her desk. Picking it up, I stare into my eyes. I'm smiling but it's so goddamn fake. Her arms are wrapped around me and she's grinning at the camera, looking radiant as ever. My face looks too young in there. Too pure even though I've seen and been through things that no person should have.

I turn my head to look at myself in her mirror. Dead, empty blue eyes stare back. My face is a hollow of cheeks and a sharper jaw that hasn't been shaved for a few days now. My hair is wavy and messy. My body's become rugged and sturdy because of my job in construction. I look like a completely different man from the guy in the picture.

Setting the frame down, I sigh before running my fingers through my hair.    

I promised Castle I would get over my shit and come back for Holly. I was an obsessed twisted man back then when I said that. Now, I'm just an empty shell that even if I did get her back, it wouldn't change a thing inside me. It wouldn't make my dead heart beat again.

I stare at Holly before flicking my eyes to Castle.

He's grown too. When I first confronted him, he was too inside his own self. Too scared. Too anxious. He felt too much and showed too much. I hope he killed his father too. Parents who hurt their kids deserve to die. I don't give a fuck about them. The worst kind of people are those who tamper with innocence, not realizing its worth.

Castle's become more confident. His smiles are easy and there's light in his eyes that wasn't there before. I know Holly brought that back. He's living right now because she helped him.

That's why I'm not interfering in between them. Not making my presence known.

I had Holly for twelve years, but she never managed to completely break through me. She quietened my head for a while, but she didn't completely make it go away.

She did it with Castle though. She succeeded with him.

That's more than enough for me to stay away and let them live. I have no place here and I realize that. I'm okay with that. I cannot feel anything else except for acceptance. Acceptance that I'm not wanted.

Finally standing up, I head back inside her room and slide out her window. Jumping down from the tree, I walk towards my beat-up truck and start the five-hour drive back.

The roads are loud with other cars and vehicles, but my head has never been this quiet. Too quiet.

It's unnerving. Strange.

At least now I can finally end it. Now that I've seen how happy Holly is without me, I can go without any hesitation. I've thought about coming face-to-face with her and saying goodbye but that would do more harm than good. I know she wouldn't let go of me if she knew what I was up to. She'd force me to stay, but for what?

I never belonged to someone in this world. I tried hard to become the best son for Mom, but she didn't want me. I tried changing for Holly, but she already met another.

It's not their fault though.

Some people are just unfortunate.

Not everyone walks on this earth happy and fulfilled, dying with a smile on their face, surrounded with people who they love.

Someone like me.

The further I drive; the buildings and houses reduce to trees and a long empty highway. I drive for another hour and when I make sure I'm well in between, I park on the side of the road and kill the engine. Sighing, I kick the door open and slide outside.

The air is cool and chilly, making goosebumps rise on my arms. I look up at the sky. It's empty and dark. Just like me. It's calling out to me. Maybe somewhere up there, I'll belong.

Maybe finally after killing myself, I'll find something.

I inhale, taking in the scent of the forest around me and the smell of soil and dust. Maybe I can smell this for a few minutes before I lose the chance to ever do it again.

Sitting down on the road with my back leaning against the truck, I stare up at the sky. It's so wide and open, stretching out endlessly without a care who sees it.

I close my eyes, inhaling the cool air, letting it empty my head further. Reaching into my pocket, I pull out my pocket knife, bringing it to my wrist. The blade feels cool and sharp. I press the flat side of it onto my skin, wanting to get a feel of the object that's going to take away my life.

Blank.

My mind is blank.

I'm holding a blade to my fucking wrist, but I still feel nothing. There's no sadness about leaving. There's no excitement. For two years, I've tried to make this goddamn heart feel something. But nothing. It never does.

I don't even know when it died fully. When I was five years old? When Holly left me for Castle? When I killed my parents? When Holly refused to run away with me?

What's the point of living anymore when there's no purpose?

It's useless. I'm just wasting my time and the earth's oxygen.

I raise the blade, this time pointing the sharp side down. I bring it close to my skin, not even bothering to open my eyes to watch myself meet my death.

That's why I don't see the car zooming straight at me.

There's light over my eyes and I furrow my eyebrows. Distantly, my ears make out the sound of tires screeching over the emptiness in my head. Snapping my eyes open, I'm met with the headlights of a car blinding my vision. The light becomes fierce as it nears me.

My heart remains the same. I don't even blink. It's my body though, that snaps my limbs into action, jumping out right on time. I roll over to the side, right before the sound of collision shatters the air. 

Metal crunches against metal. An explosion blows off right beside me. Glass shatters and flies everywhere, raining down.

I lift my arm from my face and look up. A smaller red car is rammed into the side of my truck. The front of it is completely totalled and crushed. It was going pretty fast as if the driver meant for it to happen.

"Motherfucker." I say.

Standing up, I ignore the scratches on my elbows and knees and walk around the car, rounding up to the driver's side. The window is already shattered so when I look inside, I see a girl.

Her head is slumped on the steering wheel, her face covered by her short red hair.

I look ahead at the crashed vehicles again. It takes me a moment to realize that the scent of the forest changed into something like...fuel. Looking closely, I finally notice the smoke coming from the engine of the girl's car.

Well. This thing is going to fucking blow.

Putting my hands in my pockets, I stand back and look back at the girl.

Guess someone else wanted to end their life too. Maybe I can stand right here and go along with this girl. I might meet her above and ask her what the fuck she was thinking driving so fast right into my fucking truck.

The scent of fuel gets stronger, and I know the car is going to explode anytime now.

But then her head tilts to the side.

My eyebrows rise. She's alive?

Taking my hands out of my pockets, I reach inside and grab her hair, pulling her head back. A bloody face greets me. It drips down from her forehead to the sides of her face. Her skin is porcelain. Like milk. It looks fantastic with blood. Her eyes are flickering underneath her lids, desperate. I raise an eyebrow.

Well. Well. Well.

Guess she did not want to die after all.

The smell reaches up inside my brain and I know there are only seconds left. Releasing a tired breath, I reach inside and dig into her side to get the seatbelt. When that's unlatched, I try opening the door but realize it's jammed in. My eyes widen. Quickly, I grab ahold of her from underneath her arms and yank her through the window. The remaining shards of glass cut my forearms and fingers. I bet it cut her too on the way out.

She's tall but slender so it's easier to carry her. Turning around, I make it about two steps before fire erupts in my vision. My back heats up and my skin burns. I welcome the pain, closing my eyes and letting it seep through my skin. A grin curls on my lips. Well, that feels fucking fantastic.

Turning around I see her small red car completely consumed by the flames. It's bright and orange, changing the whole atmosphere. How I would love to just sit here and watch the flames lick the sky. But first—

I've got a little troublemaker in my hands.

Carrying her far away from the smoke and heat, I set her down on the side of the road, on the grass. Her hair clings to her forehead with the blood and I brush it away. Her purple t-shirt has rips on it and her light jeans are slowly changing colours with blood. Looking down, I confirm that she did cut herself. A few pieces are even sticking out from her skin.

"Please..."

A whisper catches my attention.

I look up to see her eyes half-open. They're green. They're pleading. She's looking at me.

"Please." She whispers again. Her voice is barely audible.

"Please what?" I tilt my head, curious. "Please let you die? Please save you? What do you want?"

Her eyes fall shut as if she can't keep them open.

Her fingers twitch, restlessly. Her eyes don't stop moving beneath her lids. She's fighting. She wants to stay alive.

Sighing, I reach towards her jeans and check her pockets. I'm glad when I find her phone. I diall 911 and call them to the sight, giving them the address and what all happened.

When done, I drop her phone beside her body. Sitting back on the grass, I cross my legs and watch her.

She looks like a mermaid with her red hair and green eyes. Her hair reaches to her shoulders in an uneven mess as if she cut it herself.

"Why did it have to be my truck, huh?" I ask, casually and bored. "I mean I was going to kill myself, but I didn't want my truck gone."

Her eyebrows furrow. Her eyes crack open again.

"Kill?" She whispers.

I nod. I take out my pocket knife and show it to her. Her face falls when she sees the blade. I make a stabbing gesture with it towards my wrist.

"Why?" 

I shrug. "I don't know. Didn't wanna live anymore. It's getting boring."

Her eyebrows pinch together, looking worried.

"No." She whispers. "No. Don't."

"Don't kill myself? Why not? I'm already half-dead inside. Might as well go all the way in."

Her bottom lip wobbles and her head moves, shaking it minutely. "No."

"Hey. Hey. Don't start crying. I'm not sure that's good for you when you're already losing blood."

But she's still shaking her head, whispering no over and over again.

"Okay, fine. I won't kill myself." I say, even though I don't mean it. I think I'd enjoy watching another soul slip free right in front of my eyes, but for some reason I want her to remain alive. Maybe because I wanna know why she crashed into my truck so violently when she didn't want to kill herself.

"Are you drunk?" I ask her.

Doesn't seem so. She doesn't smell like it. There's a hint of lavender in her hair and a sweet perfume on her clothes.

"Please." She whispers again.

Here we go again. I place my elbows on my knees, waiting for the paramedics to show up or for her to die so I can leave.

I could leave right now but it's been so long since something different happened in my life. I missed the noise. The quietness was getting too tiring.

Her hand twitches, fingers flexing. They inch towards me, slowly, taking all of her strength. I stare at it curiously, wondering what's she going to do.

They reach my knee before giving out. Her hand falls flat to the ground.

"Not so—"

I'm cut off when she suddenly grabs my hand. I look down as her fingers hold mine as if she's desperate. She is desperate. She's on the verge of death but she still used last of her strength to grab my hand. They look like pianist fingers. Long and slim.

"I told you I'm not going to kill myself."

"Stay."

"I am."

Her bottom lip wobbles again. "Stay."

I sigh. Opening up my fingers, I interlace them with hers, resting our joined hands on my lap and even putting my other hand on top of hers.

"See. I'm staying."

She looks satisfied now. Her eyes fall shut.

It's silent after that.

I sit there for a long time, holding her hand in mine while she lies there fighting for her life. The car is still burning and now my truck is engulfed in flames too. The sky is no longer empty and dark. It's lit up with orange hues and smoke clouds the air like a nightmare.

It feels peaceful.

Just a moment ago, I was going to give myself up to the sky but now here I am holding a girl's hand whom I don't know will live or not.

My head tilts as a conclusion comes to my mind. I almost laugh out loud. Is this God's way of giving me a sign? I never believed in him anyway. Whatever. I weigh each decision in my mind carefully, trying to figure out the outcomes.

Maybe half an hour passes before I hear the sirens. Green, red and blue lights flash around the corner, getting nearer.

I look at the girl, who's still clutching my hand and trying to force air into her lungs.

The wind causes her hair to escape back to her forehead. I push it back and tuck it behind her ear.

"Well." I pat the top of her hand twice. "Seems like you are going to live after all. Even me."

Her eyebrows furrow but there's relief on her face.

"I'm leaving now. Can't really risk myself with the police." Saying that, I let go of her hand and stand up. I catch her fingers fisting the grass as if replacing that for my hand.

Her eyes crack open and her entire face strains with the effort. She stares up at me, her eyes flicking over my face as if trying to remember me.

"Don't worry. We won't be seeing each other again." I tell her.

She shakes her head.

The sirens get closer.

Giving her another last look, I nod, before turning around and walking away.

I know a shortcut through these trees that'll lead me back to my place. Guess it's going to be the same routine from tomorrow onwards unless I get tired and want to kill myself again.

I don't know. We'll see.

Life is always so unexpected, especially for me. Random things burst out of nowhere and I always have to relearn how to live around it.

I can end myself right here and right now and no one will find me. But I made a promise to her that I wouldn't. It's not about the promise though. Maybe I'm just curious. I want to see if she dies despite forcing me to continue living.

I look up at the sky again. Somehow there's a light smatter of stars now, twinkling like little needles.

A laugh finds its way between my lips. I shake my head, putting my hands in my pocket as I continue walking.

What a fucking joke.

These hands that killed two people, saved someone's life today.

If God or whoever the fuck is up there was giving me a sign, it sure was a fucking dramatic one.

★・・・・・・★

I hope this chapter was everything that you were looking for <3 What are your thoughts and opinions??

Also, I wanted to clarify that I don't have THAT much knowledge about people like Sean. His thoughts were crafted based on what I know from reading other books with characters similar to him. I did a basic Google search too so hopefully I got his thoughts and actions right. I tried really hard and edited this chapter five times, going through every single sentence over and over again. I hope I got it right.

I didn't go TOO in-depth into Sean's past because I felt like it would just be a long endless chapter. Just some insights and a few important events.

The feelings I went through while writing this. I cried. It did not help at all that I listened to that creepy audio 'MAMA'S BOY' while writing this.

AlSO, I NEED OPINIONS ON SOMETHING: A lot of people have commented that the story moved really slowly and it seemed as if nothing was happening. Would that be fixed if I took any scenes out? Do you people feel like there were unnecessary scenes that I could've taken out and saved you the extra long words? If yes, then please comment what all scenes were they. If you have opinions on improving this story, please share that too. THANK YOUUU!

ALSO SOME UPDATES:

- I'm working on a new book with new characters, where Holly and Castle are side characters.
The book should be out somewhere between April/May.
It is NOT a dark romance. I wanted to write a rom-com that'll cool my mind after writing this book.

- I have another book in mind after that one which will be a heck of a rollercoaster. It's going to be a NA dark romance. I'm so excited to share it with you guys!! But it'll be out in 2025.

- What all have you guys been up to? <33

Words: 16,100

Date of publishing: 8th January 2024