| 36 |

| 𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐀𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐚 𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐞 |

The day of the party finally arrives. I'm busy in my room putting on makeup and touching up my appearance.

Castle and I made plans to get there at the party separately and meet there.

A small rush of excitement tingles my stomach as I think about meeting him. Sometimes I think I've gotten used to the butterflies but then other times, I feel like I'm gonna burst or something.

It's weird...really weird.

It's fun being with Castle. These days there's always a tiny burst of happiness or giddiness whenever I see him or even think of him.

I've realized it's also calming to be around him. I don't have to put up any acts when I'm with him. I don't have to pretend to be someone when I'm around him. I don't have to fear that he's going to use me no matter how hurt he is...

The day after Sean fucked me, I can't help but feel that I was manipulated. I hesitated to fuck him and then he used my hesitation to make me feel guilty. And when my guilt wasn't enough for me to agree, he emotionally manipulated me.

I don't know what to think about it.

When we were kids, he would always escape his house and hole up with me in my room. He used to flinch whenever I touched him. I still remember the way his dull lifeless eyes used to flare up in fright whenever I went too close to him.

I thought maybe he doesn't like girls, and he was one of those boys who had the mindset of "boys are the best, girls are the losers".

I didn't understand that if he didn't want me to come close to him then why did he always seem so eager to meet me and remain in my room?

We would always play with my toys and eat together. He was a really quiet boy and didn't say anything at all unless it was necessary. He wasn't mean or rude. Sean used to play along and eat the invisible food I used to cook for him in my Kitchen Set toy. He helped me steal my mom's makeup and helped me put it on my face. He listened to my endless stories or childish theories.

But he never used to touch me or let me touch him. He used to avoid coming in contact with my mom and dad too. Times when I accidentally did touch him, there would be panic in his eyes, which made me think that I hurt him.

Eventually, he eased up to me. We were watching a movie in my room when I felt his eyes on me. I remember holding my breath when he slowly reached out. His small slim hands moved toward my hair, and he gently took a strand between his fingers.

I remember how he stared at my hair, then finally looked up at my eyes.

"It's the same colour as mine," he said.

At that moment, I realized that he doesn't dislike girls but that he was just frightened to touch anyone. And frightened to let anyone touch him.

Days after that, he started with small touches. Sometimes, it was a brief touch on my shoulder. Sometimes, it was a pat on my back when I used to play football with him. Sometimes, it was to lend me a hand to help me get up. Slowly, slowly, there was light returning to his eyes. Light that was only there when I was around.

Growing up, we didn't make any friends other than each other. He didn't like other people and I didn't want to force him to do anything.

When we were around fourteen, he got comfortable around me. He allowed me to hug him, to hold his hand or sometimes sleep in the same bed when he got too lazy to go back home.

He never made friends at school and never seemed interested in other girls. Puberty hit him early and he was a gorgeous sight to look at. He was easily one of the most attractive guys at school. I used to feel smug whenever he ignored other girls and always chose to prefer my company.

I thought maybe he started having feelings for me that's why he never looks at them. I sure did have a crush on him.

At fifteen years old, when we first kissed just to see what a kiss feels like, I thought I would burst into anxiousness. But instead, we burst out laughing at how sloppy and awkward the kiss was. At that moment, I fell for him more.

When I confessed my crush to him, he broke my heart, rejecting me.

Three days later, he came to my window, crying.

I never saw him cry. Even as a kid, he always remained silent, even if he was bleeding and in pain.

But that day, he cried. He cried so much. He cried when I put my arms around him. He cried when I tried to comfort him. He cried when he told me that his parents touch him and hurt him every night.

My fragile heart couldn't take it, so I cried with him.

"Please don't stop talking to me." He was pleading with tears streaming down his face. "Please don't stop being my friend. You're the only one I have."

"I promise," I told him, hugging him as tightly as I could, my own tears wetting my neck. "I'm always here for you, I promise."

That day changed a lot of things.

That day changed both me and Sean.

When I think about it sometimes, there's a nagging feeling that I should've persuaded him to get help a long time back.

I should've done something instead of being someone whom he can escape to.

I should've done something when he took my promise and twisted it into something toxic.

I should've done something...but I didn't. And now it's too late.

I never knew I could have feelings for someone after Sean rejected me. I always thought I could be reckless and decisive with guys as long as I'm there to help Sean.

But now that I've met Castle, my thoughts are changing.

Maybe I might be having feelings for Castle. Maybe I do have a crush on him. But I also realized how wrong it is for Sean to use me whenever he's hurt or get mad at me for spending my time on another guy.

He seemed desperate and angry that night and God forbid if I kept denying him, he would have gone ahead and done something dangerous or reckless.

Maybe I should talk to him when he's calm and not angry by his hurt.

What would I even tell him?

Castle doesn't want me unless I'm serious so what's the use of denying Sean? If Sean manipulates me one night, he can do it on other nights too. I can't commit to Castle while there's Sean. And I can't abruptly tell Sean that we can't fuck anymore without him getting mad or panicked.

With a frustrated sigh, I force myself out of my thoughts.

Today I'm going to focus on only partying.

It's been a little while since I've let loose and had fun. Tonight, I'm gonna make up for every other party I've missed.

Castle and I will spend time together—as friends—but it won't suck major balls, because while I won't be able to flirt with him, I'm still going to be around him and that is enough achievement on my part.

Putting on my black sparkly dress and dark red lipstick, I strap on my heels and put on my coat over my dress.

Riley's coming to pick me up, so I don't have to worry about getting a ride.

At the party, I don't see Castle right away. He texted me saying that he was here. With a drink in my hand, I'm walking around the party, hoping to catch a glance of him even though we decided we'd meet somewhere after one hour.

The music makes my body sing and my reflexive muscles are ready to move to the beat. Finally chugging down the last bit of alcohol in my drink, I put the cup aside and get on the dance floor. I might as well dance that one hour away until I can see Castle.

People come and go around me, everyone wanting to have a chance to dance with me. At the end when Riley comes, we group dance to our favourite song, following the same moves.

When there's heat enveloping me making my skin sweat, Riley and I get off the dance floor to get a couple more drinks into our system.

We're leaning against the wall now, doing one of our favourite things; Watch N Judge.

It's where we observe people and basically judge them.

We don't do it for any mean purpose. It's just fun watching people when they don't know that they have a set of eyes on them, watching their every move, no matter how discreet.

Riley suddenly stiffens beside me, catching my attention.

I turn to look at her to see her gazing at someone. My eyes follow her gaze and land on Cale.

My eyebrows raise when I see him in the corner making out with a girl.

I look back at Riley and nudge her side with my elbow. "Want me to do something?"

She glances at me, looking the least bit happy. She shakes her head.

"Why are you getting jealous over him? There are other people here."

"I'm not jealous," Riley mutters but her face tells me otherwise.

An amused look comes on my face. I've never seen Riley jealous. "If you want him, you gotta go over there and declare him yours. If you wait for him to come, then you'll just be waiting."

"But I want him to come." She furrows her eyebrows into a stubborn frown.

"Riley, honey, this isn't like the old times. We girls sometimes have to do the approaching."

She mutters something unhappily under her breath that I can't hear over the music.

Right when I bring my cup up to my lips, my eyes catch the sight of Castle.

I freeze immediately.

He's standing far across me...with a girl's arms around his neck.

Before I even realize, something hot and blazing crawls up my body at the sight, which leaves me both confused and shocked.

Riley senses the change in my mood and tries to look at where I'm looking.

"Ohhh." A big grin spreads across her face when she spots Castle.

The girl that's with Castle, touches his hair and says something to him. Castle blushes the slightest and to my surprise, it gets me livid. He says something back to her and she pushes herself closer to him until their fronts are pressed together. He jumps and jerks away from her.

"Holly." Riley's tone is playful, with mocking amusement. "Are you getting jealous?"

"Nope," I respond, bringing my cup to my lips to take another sip of my drink.

I probably look like a hawk with the way my eyes are focused on Castle and the girl. Unexplained irritation rises in my body each time she touches him—which is a lot.

Why the fuck is she touching him so much?

He's clearly not interested. Castle keeps moving back away from her.

I can't even go up there in front of all these people because it would attract attention that Castle wouldn't want.

She grabs his arm again and I nearly crush the cup in my hand.

She's pulling him towards her, and Castle purses his lips, looking polite yet unsure.

I'm two seconds away from fucking everything and marching over there and snatching Castle away from her.

Castle didn't come to this party for her to get her hands all over him. He came to this party to meet me. And why is that dumbass not saying anything to get rid of her! Why is he being polite? He would've told me to fuck off if that girl were me.

I never thought of myself as possessive for anything but oh fucking well, I guess I am possessive.

Riley beside me is busy fuming for another guy.

I guess we're just gonna stand here and be irritated over some guys. But then Riley snaps, almost making me jump.

"Fuck this!" She hurls her cup to the floor, spilling her drink everywhere before she marches towards Cale.

My eyebrows rise in shock as I watch her striding toward him. Cale is talking to some guy when Riley approaches him. His attention diverts to her when she nears him.

He opens his mouth to say something but doesn't get the chance to because Riley grabs the front of his jacket and yanks him down, slamming her lips over his.

Cale's eyes go wide for a moment before his hands come up to her waist and they kiss.

I look back at Castle then back at Riley.

A feeling of hopelessness comes over me. If only I could pull the same move Riley did and kiss Castle like that.

He'll kick my ass if I do that.

I can't do anything. I just have to stand here and watch Miss Grabby Hands touch Castle.

My irritation spikes again and I decide that I can't watch them anymore. Thoughts of marching over and breaking the girl's hands cross my mind and that's when I realize I need to distract myself.

I push myself off the wall and walk over to the drinks.

Choosing the strongest stuff they have, I grab the whole bottle and get on the dance floor.

★・・・・・・★

Damn, no one would've thought Holly would be getting jealous ;)

We have a cute little Castle's POV next!

Any thoughts on Sean? 

Words: 2,200

Date of publishing: 24th April 2023