Aquarius

Sleep deprivation is an interesting thing. It does things to your mind, warp your senses until you can't even think straight. You mingle with the others like a mindless zombie, hoping they don't notice how you're really just flying by on autopilot. There's no more energy left to drive you forwards. You open your mouth to protest everything that holds you back but you really just can't, because if even one crack appears in your glamorous facade the whole show comes crumbling apart into a thousand glittering daggers, all poised to dig in, to hurt in places you never want revealed to the open. Sleep deprivation numbs you to all that, drains you of everything until you're just an empty shell, so fragile, so easily crushed.

My head throbbed, my vision blurred. They had said I had passed their test. I was good, I had met their expectation, I was normal.

So why was I still feeling like this? Would they still call me a cured patient if they saw the way I was now? 

Why do they always turn a blind eye to the things that go on behind closed doors?

I pulled out the bottle of pills I had hidden under my mattress. I'd stolen these my second day of coming here, either they didn't notice or didn't care. My money was on the latter. 

Aries was sprawled out on her bed, her loud snores had already started filling the air two hours ago. Faintly, I heard the creak of the window next to me open. 

Ah, Libra must be stargazing tonight again.

Over the past few days I'd gotten to know him, and I found that he seemed to be really into looking up at the stars at night. Libra would often ramble about the different constellations that appeared, sometimes without even realizing. Then he would get all flustered and apologize when he finally caught himself. It was pretty cute how his face would get all scrunched up when he got excited. 

Wait, what am I even thinking? Ugh. Back to the task at hand. I uncapped the bottle and tipped it over. 

Five, round, perfectly pink tablets sat still in my hand, faint black letters glinting in the soft moonlight.

A bit more than normal couldn't hurt, right? 

And honestly, I didn't know what scared me more. The fact that I could die from this, or the fact that I didn't care if I died or not. 

No, I really didn't care at this point. Enough was enough, and I've reached my breaking point. 

I tossed all five pills into my mouth at once, then pressed a bottle of water to my lips and took a good, long swig. Before I could even process my actions the pink tablets had slid down my throat, coating it with a bitter aftertaste. 

Swallowing hard, coughing slightly because all five pills had gone down at the same time, I did a quick check on myself. It felt as if nothing was different for a moment, then a wave of drowsiness rushed over me. This made me chuckle a bit. I'd fall asleep now. I could finally drift into sweet unconsciousness, away from all those horrifying nightmares. 

A harsh, cold laugh startled me. On the other side of the room, Aries groaned and rolled over. 

Wait... was that me?

Startled, I shook my head a little. The medicine was doing its work on my body, but I needed something to clear my mind. 

I walked over to the window and flung it open, relishing the cool breeze that flew in. The chilliness no longer felt bitter. Instead, the wind wrapped around me comfortingly, almost like the gentle embrace of a lover. 

"Aquarius?" A timid voice broke through the silence. I made sure the smile was still on my face before turning to face the boy that spoke. 

"Hey, Libra." I said. "Couldn't sleep again?"

"Yeah." He smiled sheepishly. "It's just... a lot of things, I guess." 

I nodded solemnly. No more words were exchanged, each of us caught up in our own miniature worlds. 

After I had made sure Libra was intensely focused up at the sky, I studied him carefully. 

He was rather short for a guy, around 5'7" I'd guess. He looked so ordinary too. Just another face you'd pass by in a crowd, another blur of color flashing past in an iridescent flow. 

I scowled to myself. What made this boy so special?

He was the boy that always appeared in my dreams, I was sure of it. From his build, to the exact style of his hair, everything was the exact same. 

Of everyone, why him? This scrawny boy with social anxiety, I couldn't even approach him directly without him shying away. 

Libra Scaler, I hate you. 

"Are you adjusting to here well?" Libra suddenly blurted. I looked over at him in slight surprise. He was never the one to initiate conversation, too shy to talk to the others. 

"Yeah. It's been a bit hectic lately, but it's fine." I said. I suppose it was a natural question for him to ask, since I was the newest arrival out of everyone in the hall.

Libra nodded, encouraged now. "It's a bit isolated, I'll have to admit. But everyone here's pretty nice, and the trips we go on are really fun." 

I bit back a scoff. 

Oh, you foolish boy. Trips? Fun? There was no such thing as fun in a mental hospital. This illusion of safety was just a guise to keep us from the outside world, to keep us from interfering with their "normal" lives. 

"Has there been other trips?" I couldn't help but ask. 

"Yeah! We went to this amusement park once, it was great! Pisces almost threw up after one of the rides, though." Libra laughed. I smiled and nodded. 

But in my mind, I wanted him to shut up, I wanted to retire to my bed and get some rest. The pills were definitely working their way into my body and I was ready to conk out. 

Libra began to ramble now. I just ran a hand through my dark locks and relished the feeling of the cold autumn breeze on my face, his voice fading into a senseless background.  

When I finally turned to look at him though, I was taken aback. His figure seemed muddy somehow, like a wall of fog between us.

Was his face always this blurry?

I struggled to focus on his features, so I decided to direct my gaze to the floor instead.

Woah. Bad idea. The ground swayed beneath me, as if I were on a sailboat in the middle of the Pacific. My hands trembled, jittery like I had eaten ten pounds of sugar. I could vaguely hear Libra calling my name in confusion, but I didn't have the energy within me to respond. 

I sunk to my knees, a searing pain flashing through my gut. Only one thought ran through my mind: 

It hurts. It really fucking hurts. 

"Aquarius!" Libra's voice, high and panicked, yelled from the other window. Dull thuds on the opposite wall echoed through the room, and I heard Aries grumble something and shuffle around in her sleep. 

"I-I'm fine!" I tried to shout back. However, my voice choked on the last few letters. Something inside me held them back. Perhaps, deep down, some part of me realized that I wasn't fine. That I wasn't okay, that I wasn't the me that I tried so desperately hard to show to the outside world.

Tears, burning hot, welled up and I angrily shook them away.

My door slammed open and Libra burst in, worry etched across his features. 

"A-Aquarius, should I call someone- oh my god, what do I do, what do I-" He knelt down in front of me, hands never stopping in one place for long. His eyes nervously darted around, as if all the answers in the world were hidden in the shadows behind me. 

"L-Libra." I managed to stutter out. "Go... g-go get O-Ophiuchus."

He nodded affirmatively. At least, I though he did. Libra's face was so blurred in front of me that all I saw was the vague outline of him. Finally, after a few excruciatingly long seconds, he stood up and walked out the door. 

When the door shut lightly behind him, I turned away and let the tears I'd been holding back fall. 

What had I done so horrifically wrong? All I wanted was this pain to end. I couldn't stand the nightmares anymore. Every night I'd wake up drenched in cold sweat, horrified at the scenes I'd witnessed but never able to conjure up an exact picture afterwards. 

"I- I just wanted.... to... sleep." I mumbled to no one but myself. 

And with those final words, I drifted into the realm of unconsciousness. 

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Sorry for not updating in so long guys, school's been busy and I've been focused on finishing up editing Hit and Run.

Thanks for being so understanding, everyone!