CHAPTER FOURTEEN

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TERMS & DEFINITIONS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:

manhoos: bad omen, jinx, sinister

insaan: human

beta: son

shalwar-kameez: traditional South Asian attire

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      NUMB. To not be able to feel anything, to be left to rot in a body that was forced to experience moments without truly experiencing it, numb. A blanket that engulfs a body so that they are stolen of any feelings, any emotions, and thoughts, numb. A body forced to seek solace in anything and everything that makes it feel something. A word that encapsulated Raj Khanna post-Will Henly; numb. There is a numbness that follows after the person whom one loves the most is snatched away from them by death. A numbness not expressed in the five stages of grief, a numbness that keeps one frozen in time. A numbness that visits Raj Khanna whenever his eyes open to face the new day and when his eyes shut too tired of taking breaths he should share with his lover.

"I think, I think I like him."

"Go for it Raj! He clearly likes you too! I mean I may have put in a good word about you."

"You didn't, oh my gosh, he probably thinks I'm obsessed with him."

     When all is said and done, when everything is over and the day comes to an end when everything is used there is one thing that always remains and that is numbness. It visits in the darkest hours of the night to hug one person, but not to provide love but instead to steal any emotions from the person. A feeling that visits when one is in a room full of people only to remind them that they are no longer humans but they are just ghosts. Ghosts that are still attached to their loved ones who watch below. Ghosts who have already passed, ghosts like Raj Khanna.

"I love you, Raj."

"I'm - I - I love you too, Will."

+ + +

     A haunting smile danced onto Raj's lifeless face. His eyes shut as he imagined Will sitting next to him and whispering sweet nothings into his ear. With his eyes still shut he turned as if to face the ghost of Will Henly, and slowly opened his eyes only to be met with an empty spot on the sofa he sat on. The smile fell from his face at the speed of light and soon the tears followed. But those tears dared not slip past his eyes.

"What type of freak loves boys?"

"C' mon Raj, don't listen to them, they're a bunch of dicks."

     His head shot to the side away from where he had imagined Will to be and slowly rose from his spot, too afraid that if he sat in one place for too long that he'd remain there forever. After all that was what happened in his mind that reminisced too much and in the end paralyzed Raj Khanna in a never-ending cycle of thoughts of Will, thoughts that drove him to the point of insanity.

"Just one picture, Raj, c' mon!"

Don't.

"I don't know, Venus..."

"Don't you trust me?"

No.

     Raj winced at the sound of Venus' voice in his memories, it seemed his mind was only polluted with memories of everyone that had left his life. Good and bad. He looked down at his hands under the water and let out a hiss. He retracted his hand as fast as he could but that did not stop the burning sensation on his skin. His mind had numbed him of his surroundings and his actions, forcing him to stand there and wonder how he had managed to twist the tap handle in order to start the water while still caught in his trance-like memories.

     "Raj?" The sound of an all too familiar voice called out for him.

     His head jerked to the side in order to figure out where the voice came from.

     "Beta?" Her voice sounded close and Raj knew that if she saw him awake she would return upstairs.

     He ran to the sofa as slyly as he could and draped the blanket over his eyes in order to feign a slumber. He heard the footsteps of the woman who had taught how to use his own approach, before halting at the foot of the couch. Even with his eyes closed, he could imagine the wrinkles etched on her visage, the sunken shoulders, the plate she held in her dainty hands. Yet all he could think about was that she remembered. Nothing mattered at that moment and for a moment he felt something. Something that made his heart twist.

I miss you, Mama.

He wanted to yell it out, he wanted to envelop her in a hug, but he knew that if he made the slightest sound or movement that she would retreat. Raj knew that she came here against his father's wishes, perhaps lying that she was going to step out for a moment.

     "Raj," her voice was quiet, quieter than how he remembered it.

     For the first time in what felt like forever, he felt the strings of his heart being tugged. The familiar watery substance escaped his eyelids. There was a sound of shuffling behind him before he felt the heat of his mother as she stood across from him. The sound of the plate coming in contact with the glass table made him wince back. He cursed himself for the way he reacted and hoped she didn't pick up on it.

"This boy is not my son, my son is not this disgusting! Is this why I came from India?! To see a day like this?-- Sushmita, get him away from my eyes before I —"

"Vikram, no!"

"Get out of my house, now; manhoos insaan!"

"— VIKRAM!"

     How different life was a year or two ago where he had spent one birthday in his lover's arms and the next beaten by the man who he had called his father. And now, he laid on a beaten couch, still as a lifeless body that ached for just the least bit of affection from his mother. The hands he craved to run through his hair more than he did for Will's return.

     "Happy birthday, beta," she whispered.

     He waited for her to do something, making sure to hold his breath as she leaned over. He waited for her to pat his head, to kiss her forehead, to do something. Anything. Although, just as he'd been frozen in time she was as well, perhaps reliving her son's actions. Actions that washed waves of guilt over Raj, for what? For loving a man?

Venus Wilson had stolen more than just his lover, he had stolen the woman that had brought him into this world, he had lost a father. She had made him a widower and an orphan and left the world leaving him to suffer every day.

Without a single form of physical affection, she was gone, leaving Raj anticipating her next action, only to be let down at the sound of the door of the basement shutting. The moment he heard the lock turn, he broke down under the blanket. His left hand rose to cover his mouth in order to muffle the sobs. In that moment all he wanted to do was hide behind his mother's salwar kameez as the memories flooded back in the moment she left. The feeling of numbness returning the moment she left.

     "Come back," he mustered out in between sobs.

     The sound of his phone rang through the basement that was filled with broken dreams and nightmares, although not louder than his sobs. All he wanted to do was to be able to drown in the tears he shed.

+ + +

     Tyler was awoken from his spot on the ground by a warm hand that shook his body alarmingly. His eyes opened in a manner that was far too slow for a mortal, as he took in his surroundings. Dark. He thought, remembering that he had come here in the day time.

     "Son," the familiar voice said.

     He looked up to see his uncle who looked at him with clear concern. His eyes were slow but not slower than his head that tried to take in its surroundings to gauge where he was at. The moment his eyes met the name on the tombstone his heart sank.

"You're mine, Tyler, only mine."

"But are you mine?"

     Cold. He thought as he rose from the hard ground where Venus laid below. His uncle helped him as he pulled Tyler's cold arm earning a groan from his side. He could see his uncle's lips moving even in the dark, yet nothing was louder than Venus' voice in his mind. As if she were punishing him forever saying goodbye to him. Leave, was his third thought, as his uncle ushered him out of the cemetery. Goodbye, forever, was his fourth thought as he watched the cemetery disappear in the rearview mirror.

Numb was his last thought.

Tyler Meyers who wore his heart on his sleeve, who wanted to feel something, who loved love, was left empty. Drained. Numb.

     "Tyler." His uncle's voice was louder, loud enough for it to pull him out of his trance.

     Tyler looked to the driver's side of his uncle's car and took in the deep frown set in his face. His eyes were slow as they blinked. They felt heavy as if they weighed a tonne, perhaps tired of having to see the spot where his lover rested. The knot in his stomach tightened as he referred to Venus as his lover. As if his own body rejected the idea, repulsed by the woman that had forced his body to go without food and sleep for days. Venus Wilson was only his capturer, a beautiful captor that he could not escape even if he was no longer on this earth with him.

     "Son," he said and another part of Tyler ached as he remembered the events leading up to this moment.

     He had ached to hear that word. He had cried to hear that word. His uncle had always been the one to always give him what he needed not wanted. The only person on this planet that seemed to understand him was his uncle.

     "Uncle," Tyler groaned out, drawing out each syllable.

     "I'll turn up the heat," he said without having Tyler instruct him.

     Tyler watched as his uncle's hand reached out to turn the knob in order to turn up the heat. His skin that was blanketed in goosebumps was met with a blast of heat allowing his body to relax. The body he had neglected that still protected him from the bitter cold of the end of winter. Although it failed to protect Tyler from his own thoughts.

     "Please don't take me home tonight." His tone is hushed as if ashamed by his parents' constant quarrels, constant fights, constant bruises. "Please."

     "You're coming home with me tonight, son."

     Tyler sent him a small nod and turned to look out the window. He focused on the trees that they zoomed past as they drove around on the highway to his uncle's house. His mind floated away from reality once again forcing Tyler to shut his eyes as if he weren't in control of his own body.

"Tyler, you'll be staying with Uncle Julian for the weekend, Mommy and Daddy have to talk about adult things, okay?"

"No, Mommy, come with me."

"It's okay, Son, I'll take care of you."

"Son?"

     "— Son?" Julian shook Tyler's body as he attempted to wake up the scrawny boy who had dropped half his body weight within weeks, "Tyler?" He said once more, earning a response.

     "Yeahhhh," Tyler mustered out, his hand reaching up to rub the sleep away from his eyes.

     "We're here, c' mon, Gina made your favorite tonight." It was as if Julian was trying to bribe Tyler out of the car as one does with a child.

     At the thought of children, a sigh escaped Julian's mouth. How cruel was it that the man who loved children was not blessed with one? Julian shook his head trying to rid himself of thoughts that angered his wife and instead focused on the battered MVP in his minivan.

     "Five more minutes," Tyler groaned.

     He watched as Tyler attempted to turn over in the passenger seat, too tall to even maneuver in the old car. Julian let out a small chuckle as he reached over to unbuckle Tyler's seatbelt.

     "Venus." A single name made Julian freeze in his spot.

"I love you, Venus."

"Aren't you a little too married to be saying that to me?"

     Julian sucked in a sharp breath at the thought of Venus. His mind failing him and forcing him to remember the stolen kisses between the two in the past, the forbidden embrace, their love that could never be exposed.

Venus Wilson, his lover.

     "Julian? Tyler?" A third voice entered their ears.

     Disappointment was an automatic response to the voice belonging to his wife, the woman that should be Venus, but to his luck, it was no one but the woman he had met too soon, too experienced.

"You couldn't even give me a child! What good are you!?"

"I run this house, I pay the bills, I cook for you, I keep us from going under — there's already a baby in this house and it's you, Julian!"

     Even the thought of his wife made his skin burn. He couldn't help but think, I miss you, Venus, wanting to replace her dead body with his wife's instead.

     At the sound of his aunt's voice, Tyler's eyes opened wide as if she were an alarm and he was late for school. He looked towards the woman that resembled his mother so much and unbuckled the seatbelt his uncle had been struggling to undo for him. He pushed past his uncle and grabbed his aunt's hand. She winced at the sudden contact of his cold skin with hers to which he muttered an apology. Her eyes were covered in concern as she ushered her nephew into the comfort of her warm house leaving her husband behind. She heard mutters behind her but chose to ignore it focusing on the broken boy that once lit up her house with a single smile.

     "You haven't been eating," she pointed out as he settled in on his chair at the dinner table.

     Julian sat across from Tyler as he watched his phone barely focusing on the two. Tyler looked at his aunt and then to his uncle and sighed. Had they always been like this? He wondered, averting his gaze to the empty plate that awaited his dinner.

     "Tyler look!" He looked up to see a bright smile planted on his uncle's face.

      His eyes shot from him to the phone that proudly displayed a video of a baby dancing with its father. He forced a smile and nodded. He watched how happy his uncle got the moment a baby was mentioned, he would know, having been spoiled by his uncle throughout his childhood with gifts and toys no matter the price. He always wondered why his uncle never adopted but he never asked.

     "This house is so empty without a child, sometimes I wish I could have my own child, my blood, my family name, all mine," Julian sighed.

"Y-you're pregnant?"

"What do we do, Julian, I'm sixteen!"

"Oh my God, this is amazing! The Lord has answered my prayers!"

     The clattering from the kitchen was louder now, bouncing off the bare walls. Gina reentered the dining room with a large dish in hand, a tight-lipped smile on her face.

     "Loud enough for you, honey?" She spat out the last word as if it were some form of venom, sending her husband a look Tyler could not decipher.

     "Honey," he began as he scooped out the pasta out of the dish and onto his plate, "if you would just trust in the Lord and try once more,"

     " — I'm infertile, Julian," she interjected, tired of repeating the same thing over and over again. Even Tyler knew at that point that his aunt could not have kids. It wasn't a secret in The Meyer's family, especially with a talker like his uncle.

     With that response, Gina was gone like the wind but not before she shot her husband a look. A look her husband was used to, almost numb to it. Julian grinned at his wife, as he saw her teary eyes bidding her goodnight. He looked down at his plate the appetite that had grown over the day suddenly gone. His gaze then moved to Tyler who awkwardly stared at the empty chair that was once occupied by his aunt and then at his uncle. His head shot down the moment he met his uncle's gaze as if he were caught red-handed.

     "I think it's best if I go home tonight," Tyler murmured his fork played around with the food he once craved.

     "I don't think so," Julian's voice was hushed this time forcing Tyler to look up.

     Julian's face was once again blanketed in concern as he focused on the dried blood on his nephew's hand and the bruises that poked out from under his shirt. Once Tyler realized why his uncle had said that his head dropped, ashamed of his father's actions, but more ashamed that he had followed in his father's footsteps.

"You're stronger than him, son because you know when to keep quiet, you're smarter than him because you don't use your fists — never use your fists to talk."

"Yes, Uncle Julian!"

     "But, Dad will get angry, and then he'll..." Tyler trailed off afraid of even continuing his sentence. He waited for a response but was only met with silence, he dared not look up at his uncle, he didn't want to see his expression. He didn't want to see anything besides a beautiful blonde girl — stop.

      "I'll take care of your dad," Julian finally spoke up although his words did not provide any form of comfort to Tyler, "don't worry about it, Tyler, it's getting late finish your dinner and head off to sleep," Julian instructed.

     "It's not as simple as that," Tyler murmured to himself.

      "It is as simple as that, you can't let them walk over you, Tyler," the advice came from a man who had no spine, "come on Tyler, we haven't talked in a while. How about we talk about that pretty little girl that's been worried sick about you, was it Lily?" At the sound of her name, Tyler froze, "now she's a beauty; what I'd do to be you," Julian chuckled.

"What is a girl like you doing with my nephew?"

"What is a guy like you doing married to her?"

     Tyler stared at his uncle who seemed more interested in Lily than he did in his nephew who was falling apart in front of his eyes. A part of him burned with jealousy yet another part felt protective over Lily for an unnamed reason. He looked back down at the cold pasta and then back at his uncle who stared at him in a way he could not decipher. All Tyler could think about at that moment was about Lily's whereabouts.