CHAPTER TEN

     "WHAT LIPS MY LIPS have kissed, and where and why, I have forgotten, and what arms have lain under my head till morning; but the rain is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh upon the glass and listen for reply, and in my heart there stirs a quiet pain. For unremembered lads that not again will turn to me at midnight with a cry."

    "Well..." a breathless response to the rendition of a poem that ears of today have not heard.

She watched how her English teacher shifted in his chair as he racked his brain for comments to give but he could not. It was written all over his face that he was far too afraid to speak what was truly on his mind. As were all the men who had hurt her that sat in front of her, with their mouths held agape and eyebrows scrunched together. Did they feel remorse for what they had done to her? Did this poem that she had specifically chosen against her counselor's wishes ignite feelings of guilt and shame in them?

    "—Don't worry Kate, we know all the lips you've kissed!"

    Apparently not.

    "Fuck you, Brian," Kate's gaze ripped away from her teacher only to send daggers towards Brian.

    "Sorry, sluts aren't my type," he snickered, his friends patting his shoulder as if they were proud of that 'comeback'.

    "Ms. Rodriguez, language please," the dainty voice belonging to a man who had no spine echoed in the room that was already filled with snickers and chuckles over Brian's so-called joke.

Her eyes fixated back on the man who tried to calm the class of jocks and nerds, and everything in between down. His attempts were futile but still, he tries all the while his eyes remained on Kate, glancing from her to the crowd and then back, and she didn't know how many attempts later it was that she realized that maybe he wasn't looking at Kate. Perhaps, like every other boy and girl in the school, he was imagining what was underneath the thick turtleneck she wore, what was underneath those skintight jeans that left little to no imagination. She wondered if he had seen the pictures Venus had taken of her when they used to be best friends.

Of course, he has, the little voice in her head exasperated.

    A sharp breath settled in her mouth as she tried to speak up, but the laughter and chatter drowned out her thoughts. She stood in the front of the class, center of attention and still felt invisible. Her feet shuffled under her as she made her way towards the door. It was almost as if the second she shut the door of the classroom she was able to breathe properly. Tears stung her eyes. She felt the doorknob twist in her back and quickly stepped away for the person who was trying to leave. Instead, she chose to lean against the lockers and examine the glossy floors. Kate felt the presence of another, but she made no attempts at identifying the person.

Together the two stood in silence, both waited for Kate to speak up but she was afraid that the second words slipped from her mouth her voice would crack and she would break like a porcelain doll that was given to reckless hands.

"I'm sorry," he finally spoke up, a voice that was instantly recognizable. "High school... it's a tough place for everyone."

    "Yeah, well not everyone's nudes get leaked, Mr. Keller."

    "I didn't mean it like that."

    "Then what way did you mean it?" She was sure her eyes were bloodshot by the way they stung from the tears she held in. She could see the reflection of herself in his glasses and scoffed at the broken girl she called Kate Rodriguez. "You weren't in high school not too long ago, tell me did this ever happen at your school?"

    "This was my school and I assure you it's always been like this."

    "Yeah, right," a scoff was released in sync by the two.

    Kate examined how he looked away from and down to his shoes, he looked young to be a teacher. Everyone in Bruinville was either at the brink of death or already dead, metaphorically and literally. She wondered  — something she was doing a lot of  —  why he didn't leave this dreaded town she was forced to call her own. Maybe he was the Tyler Meyers or Brian Maxwell of the school and only good memories painted his mind in beautiful shades of happiness. Or maybe he was the Venus Wilson, the one that everyone loved but were too afraid to get close to. Maybe he was Kate Rodriguez... the slut that was used by everyone and thrown away like the trash she was.

"Listen, I either send you to the principal's office or Brian," he straightened up as the chatter from behind the door finally died down. "I wanted to send you to the office so you wouldn't have to deal with any of those ass  — bullies."

"Did you see the pictures?" Kate's question seemed to echo in the empty halls that were greeted by a passerby once in a while. She watched as her teacher stiffened at the sudden question. "Oh," she let out, a sad smile making its way to her features.

"I..." he began and ended.

"I'm sure your class is awaiting you, Mr. Keller, I suggest you go back inside and teach them something valuable."

"It was on a student's phone," he began to explain, a hot fire ignited the insides of Kate, her eyes being the first to start stinging. It was if she was slowly being let on fire with each word he said. She was okay with, well not okay at all  — she was living with the fact that every student at school had seen her pictures, but teachers too? "I'm sorry, I just."

"You're not sorry,"

"Are you okay, Ms. Rodgriguez?"

"I'm fine," the two knew it was a comforting lie told by her, she was not fine she was the farthest from fine, and still she said, "I'm always just fine!"

With that she was gone, the air that was provided by her brisk steps cooled down her burning skin that was coincidentally littered with goosebumps. Her eyes still burned like hot coal as she held her head low so no one would recognize the resident slut. She dared not to let any of her tears slip past her iron hold in front of the people that ruined her life. Kate would not give them the satisfaction of knowing that their words, their actions had gotten to her.

'What my lips have kissed, and where, and why,'

Her hands pushed open the door of the restroom that felt as if it weighed ten million tonnes, and the first thing she did was lock herself in the stall. She twirled around almost confused as to why she decided to confine herself, as the tears began to slip past her, dancing on her tan cheeks to a tune of sadness and despair composed by her soul, itself. Her hands were of no use after being tangled in her unruly hair.

The breaths that were once composed and calm were shallow and choppy as she thought of her mother's remarks about her hair and how anything could get lost in the mane. Then, more tears followed, she was lost. The four walls of the stall seemed to be closing in on her, though the second her fingers reached for the latch of the lock footsteps were heard entering the room. Her arm retracted instead finding its way to her mouth to silence her sobs.

'I have forgotten, and what arms have lain under my head till morning,'

It's quiet at first terrifying Kate even more. Can they hear her? Oh, God please don't let them hear me, her soul prays to whatever God there is out there, to let her cry alone, to let her be alone because the second another person gets involved she is forced to put herself second and she is tired. Tired of what others say about her, tired of what she thinks of herself now. She is tired of what she had become, what she has done. She is simply tired. Kate knows there will come a day where she won't be tired anymore, it will be the same day she will sleep forever and be unable to hear what every other person says about her.

    "Mija?"

"Mama, you're not supposed to be... I did... I'm so tired mama."

"I know, mija, give me the pills baby..."

"Whenever I breathe it hurts, whenever I feel it hurts, I just want it to —"

"—STOP!" The shuffling outside stops, only taking moments for Kate to realize that she has officially ruined the chances of being alone.

Her digits trace her lips with such grace that it tickles. She dares not to breathe at that moment as the person on the other side takes hesitant strides towards the stall at the very end. Her mind feels numb, her thoughts still running wild, and her legs... well, she's still surprised she is standing and not hunched over the toilet in attempts to vomit out her emotions in an attempt to return to being the old Kate.

'But the rain is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh'

Her eyes focus in on her surroundings, the lights that are too bright, the tap that continues to run where the sinks are, the footsteps that are too loud and suddenly it feels as if her chest is closing up again. She can't breathe, the harder she tries the less oxygen enters her body. Fear settles in. Her knees buckle under the weight of thoughts, emotions, and regrets. The sudden action causes her head to hit the door latch, as she sinks into the floor, rolling up into a ball on the dirty floor.

Kate can feel the person who is trying their hardest not to intrude her 'moment' as they settle down on the ground as well, leaving only a small crack provided by the short stall doors. With her back against the person, Kate feels reassured that she is unrecognizable, and she manages to take a breath of musky air.

    "You are so strong," Her voice, so soft, so soothing as it fills her ears causing the tears to continue to wash away her makeup.

Her right-hand holds her pendant in a vice-like grip near her heart as she tries to focus on her breathing patterns. All she wants is her mom, but even she is not selfish enough to show her a face of this much sadness to her mother. Her mother does not deserve to see this, she only deserves happiness, not Kate.

'Upon the glass and listen for reply and in my heart there stirs a quiet pain,'

For a moment the girl on the other side stops stroking through her hair. The vibration of her phone indicating someone has texted her— too important for her to continue tending to the one girl that has a vendetta against her. Just as the feelings of loneliness settled in again, and the erratic breathing following, the strokes returned and she was fine... for a moment.

Kate dared not to listen to the sounds of her cries as they echo around the washroom, they would only make her cry more after being reminded of why she is crying in the first place. Instead, she imagined a world where she never met Tyler, where she didn't dare try to love a man who could not love anyone other than himself or his reflection. She imagined a world where she was happy with being just Kate Rodriguez and not Venus' best friend, or the reason behind Will's death. She imagined a world where Raj still loved her like the little sister he wished he had. But those worlds would not make her just as happy as a world she imagined with everyone but her in it.

'For unremembered lads that not again will turn to me at midnight with a cry,'

Only silence hung low in the room, thoughts ran wild from both spectrums as the two listened to one another finish the tunes of hums the other began. And for a moment Kate felt peace settle in her soul, a type of peacefulness that allowed her enough strength to wipe away dried tears that felt like melted caramel against her skin. A peacefulness that made her wonder if this was what the girl on the other side of the door goes through every night after her parents have slipped into a tranquil slumber.

    "Did you see the pictures?" Her voice was deeper and more hoarse than the other girl's, then again her voice has been screaming at everyone for months on end to put an end to the shaming of herself.

A question that she found herself asking everyone that got too close to her... did you see the pictures? The question echoed in her mind from one horizon to the other. Unlike Mr. Keller, there was a response so quiet that Kate's deep breaths drowned it out, but she didn't need to hear the answer to know that she had.

'Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree, nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,'

    "I took those with Venus Wilson," Kate chuckled, her fingers stroked her hair along with another set of hands. Their fingers found one another and Kate found herself holding on a little tighter than she thought. She felt the fingers in her grip tighten, almost as if she has caught a thief. "I took them for your boyfriend."

'Yet knows its boughs more silent than before: I cannot say what loves have come and gone,'

She could feel her fingers trying to pry away from her grip, a playful, dark smile masked her face as Kate let out a yelp when she accidentally pulled her hair.

    "Who sent you to look for me?" She may seem stupid but Kate knew that Lily would not go looking for her, not in a million years. Lily hated Kate just as much as Kate hated Kate.

    "Raj,"

'I only know that summer sang in me, a little while, that in me sings no more,'

Lily wiped away the tears that had fallen in sympathy towards Kate, as her back rested against the wall of the washroom. The bell had just rung for third period, and she already knew she was far too emotionally distressed to go to math class and become academically distressed as well. She watched as students flocked from one end of the school to the other in a hurry not to be counted late. Watching all the students walk around familiar halls that their parents probably grew up in made her feel like an outsider even more than now. She looked left and right as if she was crossing a busy intersection and headed towards the math department.

"I took them for your boyfriend," Kate said.

The simple sentence caused knots to form in her stomach as the scene replayed over in her head. She didn't know if she felt worse for lying about who sent her in order to make Kate happy or because Tyler was low enough to leak her nudes to everyone. Nonetheless, nothing was taking away the feelings of oncoming vomit in her mind.

    She pushed by the students who seemed to have forgotten that this was a hallway and not a living room or cafeteria where they seemed to be telling each other their plans for after school. Her elbow jabbed into the side of a boy who pushed her aside.

    "Watch where you're going  — oh, Lily!"

She groaned internally as she recognized Brian who seemed to be chatting up the fourth girl this week (it was only Wednesday). Lily waved at him eyeing the exit that was so close yet so far.

    "Lily get your ass over here!" Brian hollered causing every set of eyes to look in her direction.

    "I  —" before she could come up with an excuse one was given to her free of charge when the three high pitched bells sounded in the halls, bouncing from locker to locker. "I'm sorry, I'll be late for class!" She murmured a half-assed apology.

    Like that she disappeared from Brian's gaze and towards the fire exit. The cold wind nipped at her skin, goosebumps appearing around her bare chest and neck. She cursed at herself for not bringing her jacket that was neatly tucked away in her locker, but she was not making an attempt at walking back. Especially with Brian there. Instead, her arms hugged her torso as she bounced down the slick stairway, the thin layer of ice making it almost impossible not to come down without using the aid of the handrail.

"We have to do something with the body."

    "Oh, fuck," she gasped catching herself from falling down the stairs.

The voice seemed so near it had scared her until she realized it was the same memory that was etched into her mind and her senses. Every time she shut her eyes it was all she could see, every time there was silence it was all that she could hear. Her hands... it felt as if she was touching the flesh of Venus', feeling as it relaxed under her touch. She could even smell the alcohol that was latched onto Venus' attire that night, and all she prayed was to get rid of that memory, to erase it forever. But there was no re-do button, no delete button, this was something she would have to live with forever and she wasn't ready for that.

    After many attempts of trying to get down the stairs without falling and potentially getting a concussion, she settled on the stairway and leaned against the metal rails. She watched the cars zoomed past on the road ahead ignoring the speed limit by ten kilometers. She wondered what was going on in their days, she wondered if she could switch places with one person who would it be?

    "Fuck," it seemed that was the only word that she could come up with in order to stop the thoughts from taking control of the train.

    "Language, young lady," Lily stood up in an abrupt manner only to slip down the stairs. "Oh my! Are you okay?" She groaned on the ground trying her hardest to get up only to fall back down in pain. "Oh Lily," Principal Foster tried to hide his smile, perhaps he felt the second-hand embarrassment.

    "Oh my God, that hurt so much!" Lily groaned out as he helped her up, "you really need to throw some salt on that."

    "Well, not a lot of people use this exit."

    "Terrible explanation."

    "And might I ask what you're doing outside of class, Ms. Tran?" His voice held a tone of amusement. Though he was not greeted with the response he had hoped for instead Lily's eyebrows scrunched together and a frown took place of the small smile she had adorned.

"I took them for your boyfriend."

    "I couldn't breathe in there," Lily let out, settling back down onto the stairs. "It's like, it's so hard to explain Principal Foster."

"If you bring us down, we bring you down with us."

    "— I mean it's nothing," she said.

    "How about we talk about this in my office," he suggested as he crouched down to her level. Lily watched as his hand reached out to cup hers making her freeze in her spot. "My goodness, you're freezing!" And with that Lily let out a sigh of relief.

    Lily walked around the cozy office before settling into the seat right across from the Principal's chair as she snuggled into the quilt she had found adorned onto the nook near the window. Principal Foster had gotten a call about a fight and had excused himself leaving Lily alone in the office to peruse. Though the curiosity of what was in all those cabinets was torturing her she remained in her seat afraid of getting caught red-handed.

Instead, she aimlessly scrolled through her messages including one from her father asking why she didn't attend her third-period class. She groaned aloud and tapped on the contact before pressing the little telephone sign. The familiar tone of the robotic voice rang in her ears as she mimicked the words.

    "Hey uh, I didn't go to class because the principal pulled me out  — oh shoot!" Lily hadn't realized that that sounded worse than why she actually didn't attend her class but it was too late.

Defeated she pressed the end button just as the door behind her opened and shut softly. Principal Foster walked around the desk and sat in his chair skimming over a file. His gaze lifted up towards Lily and she sent him a warm smile.

    "Sorry," he mumbled almost as if he were flustered. "Let's talk about what's on your mind, how have you been since the funeral, Ms. Tran?"

    "Just Lily," She ignored the question at hand.

    Lily examined how the way he leaned back into his chair and intertwined his fingers to rest his chin on it. She knew he wasn't going to budge until she answered the question.

    "Venus Wilson," all the color in his face washed away at the sound of her name, and Lily knew her expression mirrored his. Stupid, stupid, stupid, her mind taunted. "I just... everyone is so sad about her death and I don't even know who she is," Lily finished.

    "Was," he chimed, his voice small and distant as if he were thinking back to memories he may have shared with her. "Who she was."

    "Right," Lily nodded. "Did you know her?"

    "Well I know all of my students, but Venus was my star pupil," Foster began a sad smile etching his features, "before I was principal I was just an English teacher."

    "Oh,"

    "She only wanted what was best of others, she was a real people pleaser."

"Venus Wilson ruined my life."

    "You remind me a lot of her actually,"

    "Oh."

    "I'm sorry I went off on a tangent there  — she's missed by many including my family."

    "I just, a lot of people have said these things about her and her relationships. I just don't know what to believe," Lily let out only trailing him on for more answers to vanish her curiosity once and for all but it was as if her comment caused Principal Foster to stiffen. "I'm sorry did I say anything wrong?"

    "We'll talk about this another time, Ms. Tran please visit the nurse if the pain persists."

With that, she was ushered out of the office left with more questions than what she began with.