In my Veins
Ben started to run back into the cave screaming when Leia lightly grabbed his arm. "Ben,"
"I can't leave her, I need to go get her!" He screamed sobbing.
"We can't, I'm so sorry, we have to leave now." Leia pleaded.
"No she... I... I just got her back."
"Ben," Rey said looking at him sadly holding out her hand. "We will come back for her as soon as the First Order clears out."
Ben broke. "I'm sorry Y/N," He thought as he grabbed onto Rey's hand as he and what was left on the Resistance loaded onto the Millenium Falcon.
The minute that he got on the Falcon he broke away from everyone else sitting in his spot, pulling his knees up to his chest.
"Ben," Rey started again inching towards him.
"Don't!" Ben growled glaring up at her. However, when he looked up at her, he saw Poe laying behind her medics working on him as fast as they could and a blonde haired women kneeling next to him. "How is he?" He asked wiping his face.
"They don't know yet, right now he's stable but they aren't sure how long they can help him without the proper equipment." Rey sighed sitting next to him. "I'm sorry about Y/N."
"I just don't understand what happened. Why would Luke..." Ben started feeling the rage build up inside of him when he thought of Luke. "She was good, she was back to being herself why..." Ben broke down again. As Chewie took off flying everyone just took a moment to assess the fact that the entire Resistance could fit on the Millenium Falcon. Most of them were hurt and tired. None were more tired that General Leia and as she watched her son breaking she feared she would lose him once again.
"General Leia," Finn said as he walked up to her, he had just tucked in the injured Rose near Poe. "What are we going to do now?"
"I..." Leia hesitated looking at the young man who had come to her for some wisdom, some hope. But at that moment, Leia felt no hope, she couldn't feel the fire anymore.
Suddenly Chewie let out a growl requesting that Leia come to the cockpit.
"Give me one moment Finn." She smiled and Finn nodded as he went back to attending to Rose. "Chewie?" Leia asked as she entered the cockpit and she was quickly handed a headset. "This is General Leia?"
"Hello Princess." She heard a charming voice say.
"Lando!" General Leia smiled. "And it's General to you."
Lando laughed. "I called to lend an invitation to you and the Resistance to come stay in Cloud City for as long as you need."
General Leia hesitated remembering the last time she had been to Cloud City.
"I promise that there is no army waiting for you." Lando laughed causing Leia to laugh.
"That would be wonderful Lando, thank you."
"Plus I would love to catch up with you and Han."
Leia felt her heart shatter, she had forgotten how long it had been since she had spoken to Lando.
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Meanwhile back with the First Order. Phasma was still absolute shock, she had just witnessed the Supreme Leader slaughtered by Luke Skywalker. She could still see Y/N's lifeless form laying on the sand, however Skywalker had disappeared.
"Ma'am... what do we do?" One of the stormtroopers asked looking towards General Phasma.
"We need to go after the Resistance, don't worry about Y/N, our focus has to be on the Resistance."
Everyone nodded as they stormed onto the planet's surface and into the base only to find it empty and the Resistance gone.
"Fuck!" Phasma roared causing the stormtroopers around her to jump.
"What do we do now?" One of them had the guts to ask.
"Get back on the ships, they can't have gone far, they are wounded and there are only a few of them left. We are winning, the Resistance won't last through the week." Phasma growled.
Everyone had started to work their way out of the base leaving Phasma alone.
She was leaning up against one of the communication boards gripping it as hard as she could. She couldn't help but feel completely and utterly betrayed. Phasma had thought that Y/N would bring a real change to the First Order, she thought that Y/N would be the one to get rid of the Skywalker reign. Phasma hated that all the First Order ever cared about was the Skywalker's and the Force instead of focusing on the war that they were fighting. She had believe that Y/N, though she had the Force, was not going to make everything about the Force. She was going to be the ruthless one, who would take out the Resistance without emotions getting in the way.
Phasma had watched how the Resistance had continuously gotten away and had continuously outsmarted the First Order even though the First Order outnumbered them 1000 to 1. All because both Snoke and Kylo Ren were so emotionally driven.
"General Phasma!" She heard a voice call pulling her out of her thoughts.
"What!" She growled.
"We have a problem..." The stormtrooper started. "Y/N... she's gone."
"Fuck," Phasma sighed kicking the communication table.
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Back on the Millenium Falcon Ben sat staring at the floor. He felt so numb. He could feel anything, he wasn't angry, he wasn't sad he was just numb. He kept replaying Y/N getting stabbed over and over again in his mind. He shouldn't have left her. He shouldn't have left her six years ago, he shouldn't have left her on the First Order ship, and he shouldn't have left her body on Crait. He had thought the pain he felt six years ago when he thought she had died to first time was the worst that he could ever experience. But he was wrong. Nothing could have prepared him for losing her again. Not after everything they had been through, not after knowing that she loved him just as much as he loved her. Before she had saved him, this amount of grief would have caused him to slaughter hundreds of people just to replace the grief with rage. But now, he couldn't imagine harming anyone. He knew that he had to be good. She had died saving him. He couldn't let that sacrifice go to waste.
"I will be with you even when I'm not." He could hear her words but instead of bringing comfort they just brought another wave of grief to flood over Ben had he leaned his head into his knees.
Leia came back out taking in the scene before her. Poe was injured, close to death, he was being tended by Kaydal. Rose, also injured, was being tended by Finn. Ben sat on the couch just staring at the floor Rey next to him. Leia could count the number of Resistance members that were still alive on her hands. She had felt Luke's energy fade away and she knew. Everything felt like it was falling apart.
"I know everyone is scared." She said getting everyone's attention. "I know we are all hurt and we are all tired. We have been through a lot these past few weeks, especially the past few days. We've lost people we cared about." She stated looking directly at Ben who looked up at her with sad eyes. "But this is not the end. The Resistance still stands. Hope still survives. We will come back. The First Order is week and broken. They have lost two of their leaders in a short amount of time. They are cracking. We have been invited to stay with a friend of mine in Cloud City. This will give us enough time to mend and heal, and mourn. We will honor those we lost, but we cannot mourn forever. They would not want that. They would want us to fight. Fight for the good and for the light. Fight for those who cannot stand with us, those who are oppressed and those who are lost. We are a beacon of hope in a time full of darkness, and as long as there is someone who believes in our cause the beacon will never burn out." Leia said.
For a moment no one said anything, they just looked around at each other.
Finally Finn stood up turning to look at General Leia . "Long live the Resistance."
With that, everyone stood up turning towards Leia. Ben being the last as he stood up and said "Long live the Resistance."
Leia couldn't help but smile as she saw this. Her smile fading however when she watched her son fall back onto the couch.
The ship went silent until they reached Cloud City. As they landed in the loading dock, Ben didn't want to move. He just wanted to stay on the ship and never leave. As everyone started to get off the ship, Ben just stayed still staring at the floor. He had memorized the pattern, he had counted the grate anything to distract himself.
"Ben," Leia said but her son didn't move. "Ben." She sighed sadly walking towards him.
Slowly she sat down next to him and put her hand on his shoulder.
"I don't know what to do. She was my reason for everything. I don't know how to survive this."
"You survive." Leia sighed. "It is hard, it is the worst feeling in the world, to lose someone you love, but you survive Ben. Each day you just wake up and you survive. Until one day you find something that makes it so you aren't just surviving anymore instead you have something to live for."
Although Leia's speech was meant to make Ben feel better, it only made him feel more guilty. Ben had been the cause of most of Leia's pain and suffering. He knew that while she didn't want to hate him, there would always be a part of of her that did hate him.
"Are you ready to go in?" Leia asked.
Ben took a breath wiping his face before he turned to his mother again and then nodded. Grabbing onto his mother's hand Ben walked with her out of the spacecraft that was filled with so many memories.
Walking out into the hall Ben could feel a shift in energy that made him uneasy.
As he looked up though he felt as though he was going to collapse. Standing before him was Y/N standing in a gorgeous white dress.
"I..." Ben started as he looked to his mother who was looking up at him tears in her eyes. With that look he knew that it was real and he quickly let go of his mother sprinting towards Y/N who had open arms.
When he reached her he enveloped her into his arms pulling her so tight a part of him feared he might break her.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry, in order for the plan to work, you had to believe." Y/N started sobbing. "I tried to tell you but I couldn't..."
Ben collapsed to his knees and Y/N did the same. He placed his hand on her cheek just looking at her.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Y/N continued to sob. "I'm sorry for everything."
Ben leaned in an kissed her. "Don't apologize." Suddenly Ben broke away looking at her side. "Your side."
"Is fine." Y/N said wiping her face.
"How are you here, what happened with Luke?" Ben asked helping her to her feet.
Y/N looked down on the ground.
"Ben why don't you take Y/N back to her room, there you two can talk. I need to speak to Lando." Leia said and Ben nodded.
Slowly Ben and Y/N made their way to her room one that Lando had set her up with.
"Y/N what is going on?" Ben asked seriously noting how his mother had acted strangely.
Y/N bit her lip trying not to break down again.
"Y/N?"
"Luke is dead." Y/N sobbed as she sat down on the bed.
"What?" Ben gasped.
"After you left, I instructed Phasma to take me to the planet's surface, I knew that if I wasn't there I couldn't protect the Resistance. When Luke came out, I reacted irrationally. I was so mad at him, I blamed him for you turning and everything that had happened. If I wouldn't have gone down on the ground..." Y/N broke slightly before clearing her voice. "I knew the minute I stepped foot on the ground, the First Order was not going to let me just walk away with Luke. One of us had to not survive the fight, and I couldn't kill Luke. No matter how mad I was at him, I still owe everything I am and everything I learned to him. That's when Luke told me. Ben, Luke wasn't actually on Crait. He was just projecting himself onto the planet."
"But that..." Ben questioned but as he looked at Y/N and saw her eyes full of tears he understood. "Oh." He sighed sadly sitting down on the bed next to her.
"So the plan was we would fight and I would lose, thus ensuring that the Resistance could still get away and I would survive it. Luke sacrificed everything for the Resistance and for me." Y/N sobbed.
Ben quickly pulled her into his arms again comforting her.
"Poe!" Y/N suddenly gasped getting off the bed.
"They took him down the medical bay. With the equipment they should be able to help him better."
"If he doesn't survive..." Y/N started.
"Hey, don't think like that." Ben said grabbing her by her shoulders. "How did you end up here?" He asked trying to distract her.
"After the First Order went in after you, I got up and ran. I just happened to run into Lando and I explained who I was. He said he would help me. We got here a few moments before you. He had some people stitch me up. Then they gave me this outfit. What are we going to do about Snoke? He's still out there."
"Y/N we don't need to worry about that right now."
"Yes we do. He's going to come after us again. He's going to attack the Resistance, we won't stand a chance. Luke is gone, I can't help I can't." Y/N broke down again.
"Y/N," Ben sighed but he knew that there was nothing he could say to her that would make her feel better. That guilt would always be there, some days would be worse than others, he knew that the only thing he could do for her was be there when she needed him. "You are exhausted emotionally and physically, you need to rest."
Y/N nodded as she crawled up onto the bed. Ben hesitated he didn't know if Y/N would be emotionally prepared for that kind of connection. Not after everything she had been through.
"Ben," Y/N sighed as she laid down. "Will you hold me."
Ben didn't say a word, he just nodded as he crawled into bed with her wrapping his arms gently around her waist. He could feel her guilt and her grief. The minute he touched her she winced.
"I'm sorry, I just thought of..." Y/N started as she settled into his embrace.
"I know." Ben sighed sadly as he kissed the back of her head. "But I'm here, and I'm never going to leave you again."
Y/N started to cry again and as she did Ben just held onto her tighter letting her cry as he tried his hardest to not cry.
Before Ben knew it he had fallen asleep only to be violently awoken by the sounds of Y/N screaming.
"No!" Y/N screamed as Ben woke up turning to see Y/N throw herself from the bed.
"Y/N?" Ben screamed as he followed her as she walked onto the balcony.
As she turned to Ben she had tears streaming down her face as she was hyperventilating.
"I can't do this. I keep seeing myself stabbing..." She sobbed clinging onto the railing.
"Y/N," Ben started again reaching for her but she backed away.
"No! Stop looking at me like that. Stop looking at me like I'm the victim. I'm not Ben, not after everything I did! Stop feeling bad for me. Yell at me! Tell me I'm horrible. Please tell me you don't love me." Y/N sobbed. "I can't, I can't. And I can still see Hux, I can still feel his hands on my skin." Her knees started to give way.
Ben reached for her grabbing her.
"Y/N you need to try to calm down or else you are going to make yourself sick, please love."
"What did I do to deserve you." Y/N sobbed leaning into Ben's chest.
"Y/N," Ben said as he pushed Y/N back a little bit. "You are a kind and caring person who saw the goodness within a young man who was lost in the darkness. You saved me in more ways than I could ever describe. We have been through literal hell and back, but we have both made it through to the other side. Things got screwed up along the way, and things happened that I wish I could take back, and events that I wish I could have prevented. But Y/N I wouldn't trade one minute I spent with you for anything in the world. I told you that when we were training with Luke that I would have given up becoming a jedi in order to marry you. I know now that Y/N, I can't survive without you by my side. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be with you through the good and the bad, through whatever struggles we will face." Y/N looked at Ben her breath hitched in her throat. "Will you marry me?"
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