"Sometimes you hit a point where you either change or self destruct."

-Sam Stevens

Whoever said that you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face is a liar. That or they don't have the kind of problems that I have acquired. All looking fear in the face has done for me is bring me to a new level of anger.

There were three things that I got from my confrontation with Christopher and each of them hit like a semi, leaving me tingling with an anger I had never felt in my life and unable to breathe. He's with my biological mother Harbor, they have a child named Lily and they don't have an ounce of regret.

What hit me hard though was that Sean wasn't my biological father. For years I had thought that my personality mirrored Sean's. Maybe it was my fault for assuming from that similarity that he was my father, but I really didn't think it could be helped. We never discussed who fathered us, though I'm sure they knew and just didn't want it to be a factor in me and Liam's life. It has never bothered me, that is until last night when I found out my father is a liar, cheater, and doesn't seem to care about me anymore.

The emotions alone have my head spinning a million revolutions a second, but it doesn't include the ones that come alongside the largest bomb to go off last night. I have a full, one hundred percent sister who shares the same mother and father.

Lily...

Growing up I had never distinguished what was 'normal' when it came to a family. The fact that I have two fathers raising me never bothered me, though at times it bothered other parents. The fact that I didn't have a mother figure in my life made some mothers uncomfortable but that didn't stop my dads from going the extra mile for me. The thought of being part of a mother/father family is a weird concept for me after being different for so long. And honestly, I don't want anything to do with it.

Even though the situation is as fucked up as it could possibly get I can't blame Lily for any of it. After all, it isn't her fault that her parents are hurting others. Not that I'm even the type to have blindly disliked her, that's just not me. Chances are she has no idea she has older siblings. At the very least I'm envious of her because right now it seems like she's part of the family Christopher truly wants and I'm just an afterthought.

All my anger is towards Christopher and Harbor.

It's similar to how I've felt towards Liam for the last four years but a lot more complicated. I felt more betrayed than anything and really fucking stupid. My whole life I grew up in a house where I watched two people raise two children. From where I stood I saw mutual respect, honesty, and feelings between both of my parents. It was something that I wanted in my relationships, to be able to discuss things freely and not have to worry about immature things like lying and cheating. Apparently, that was a child's illusion because there was this huge family secret behind the scenes going on and like children, they were playing keep away.

I currently have no respect for Christopher, and Sean, who is one of my role models for his morals and values, has been knocked down a few pegs by pure fraternization. The only feelings that are changing for the better are the ones towards my brother. I kinda feel bad for him. Christopher having a whole new family is a punch in the face to both Liam and Sean, like they aren't good enough or that my brother's not to his liking.

It makes me mad for him.

The alarm on my FitBit starts vibrating frantically resulting in a huge dramatic sigh gushing from my lips. I know it's seven and raid is supposed to be starting in thirty minutes but I just don't feel up to it and the thought is a little alarming. I'm always such a drill sergeant when it comes to World of Warcraft, yelling at people who can't get their shit together and kicking people who don't want to be there. Now the tables have turned and I am the one who should be kicked.

Dragging myself out of bed I make my way to my computer and log onto my character Ella. Instantly an invitation pops up on my screen to join the raiding party. My stomach turns sour as my eyes dart between the invite and guild chat, where my crew is chatting away through text.

I know what I have to do to be a fair and just ruler, even if it means everything changing temporarily. Refusing the invitation I pull up the guild window and begin to type out a new guild message. It takes me a few moments to find the right words but after proofreading for mistakes half a dozen times I hit the save button and prepare for the uproar.

***Until further notice the raid team and guild will be in the hands of Arkies. In addition, I will no longer be part of Nerd Brigade. Sorry for the inconvenience this will cause the guild. Ella***

Ignoring the guild chat as it explodes with questions I access the guild roster and promote Arkies to Guild Leader before quickly typing /gquit in the chat box and hitting enter. I've only ever quit a handful of guilds but this one's different than the rest. Several pink tabs are flashing, showing that half my raid team has sent me whispers, though the only one my eyes focus on is the one flashing Arkies.

[Arkies] whispers: Ella what happened, are you alright?

I can't help the tears that well in my eyes because I'm not alright. I feel like absolute shit, something I'm not used to feeling and all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. And while I don't blame Arkies in any way for the shambles my life is currently in, I can't control my hands as they log me out, leaving Arkies waiting for a response he will never receive.