"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."

-Paulo Coelho

It had been about a week since Liam had blown up and left the kitchen. He hasn't spoken to me since or acknowledged my existence. Pretty much since my whole life was turned upside down I'm down to once escape,  World of Warcraft.

Arkies has become my main outlet for being normal now and it's honestly a love-hate relationship. I love that he has no idea what's going on in my home life and treats me like the power-obsessed lunatic raid leader I am. I hate that I even have a love list.

Even though my inner voice is screaming at me I spend most of my time online now, raiding when we schedule it and teaming up with Arkies in 2v2 matches in an attempt to raise our rankings on the leaderboards. It's a slow climb with quite a few setbacks but honestly, I'm doing it more for the unbias company than the ranking. 

Regardless of my peaceful WoW existence, my personal problems are eating away at me. I can't look Christopher in the eye anymore and have resorted to faking a distraction or being in a hurry whenever he's around. He doesn't seem offended or suspicious, always laughing and rolling his eyes at my senior fever. That alone makes me nauseous that he's convinced he's fooling us all.

It's the events of this evening, a seemingly normal family dinner, that leads me to my alt character Veora and the slaughtering of Murlocs in the Redridge Mountains. All  I want is to be alone with my thoughts, so Pandora is pumping loudly in my ears and Discord is closed, but that doesn't stop the new chat tab from opening and the pink text within it.

[Arkies] whispers: What are you doing on that toon?

With a heavy sigh, I maneuver my character out of the swarm of Murlocs and onto the beach before beginning the undesired explanation of why I am acting like a shut-in tonight.

To [Arkies]: I don't want to deal with people like you.
[Arkies] whispers: Owch. Is there any sweet to all that bitter?
To [Arkies]: What do you mean by that???
[Arkies] whispers: Just wondering if you're always so angry at the world.
To [Arkies]: You mean bitchy.
[Arkies] whispers: Not what I said.
To [Arkies]: But it's what you meant.
[Arkies] whispers: Jump on discord with me?

My heart leaps in my chest at his proposal as the inner war begins and the voices in my head start shouting out the pros and cons of getting into a Discord channel with Arkies. Con, talking would make it easier for him to see I'm upset and pry a reason out of me. Pro, Arkies isn't the prying type and tends to leave things alone. Con, tonight could end up being the exception to the later. Pro, there's a very good chance he won't react like Aaron and might actually be helpful in my predicament.

Running my fingers up into my hair I clench my fists in utter loss of what to do. My heart is urging me to go for it but my head is telling me to disengage.

To [Arkies]: Fine, but I am doing it under extreme protest.
[Arkies] whispers: I had assumed.

Rolling my eyes I open up Discord and slip into what is now called Time Out. Biebs thought it would be funny to change it, and while I did end up keeping the name, Biebs was kicked from the guild for an hour. It would have been longer but Roase finally felt sorry for him and his sob story he kept retelling in trade chat that she sent him an invite back, even though we all knew that he wouldn't be joining another guild.

"Yo."

His greeting is simple but makes me crack a small sad smile. It's probably because I have been listening to his voice for years and after that amount of time it's bound to bring a sort of comfort to me. The lonely part of me laughs and reminds me that it's filling the void it's currently creating.

"Hey." It comes out a sigh, low and breathy, something I didn't mean to do. Hearing myself finally speak I realize any idiot could tell that I'm upset and since I know Arkies isn't an idiot I brace myself for the oncoming chat. Not knowing if I am going to cave or stand my ground.

"Why Redridge?"

I chuckle slightly and sigh yet again. "Taking the scenic route with this one." Veora is the character I decided to get my Lore-Master title with, an achievement that makes you do almost all the quests in the game. To be honest it's a bit embarrassing I still don't have the title.

There is a long pause in the channel, and I watch as Arkies logs off and back on as Rekies, a level 20 shaman as a party invite appears in the middle of the screen. As soon as I accept, Kies appears on my map, slowly making his way towards me.

Just as his bright blue dot zeros in on me he speaks. "Do you want to talk about it?" His voice is hesitant, something it normally isn't.

My mind races even faster than it has been, circling around the idea of opening up to someone who very well could be a pedophile or worse in my class. However, I could talk about my problems in the vaguest way possible right? As long as I don't get too personal I can unload my baggage. Then again, that still doesn't guarantee that things in-game wouldn't change. That thought alone makes it enticing. "Last time I did that, things changed between me and a friend, so I think I'll pass." I sigh.

"Why would things change?" He asks, not listening to my subliminal message that reads I don't want to talk about it, especially if it was going to change the only part of my life that was still relatively normal.

"If I could tell you I would," I mumble quietly. Part of me is longing to keep the conversation going but the rest of me knows where that will lead. I want to talk to someone, anyone at this point about the utter shit show my life is turning into but I have no idea if that person should or shouldn't be Arkies. This is one of those skeletons you can't shove back into a closet and forget about.

There's a pause in the conversation as Arkies obviously thinks of a different plan of approach. "I can't think of anything that would change if you told me why you have sighed three times in the last five minutes."

I bite my lip realizing that I put my mic on and never turned it off. "I hate you," I state firmly.

"I am well aware." He chuckles.

With yet another sigh, mostly of relief because I know Arkies means well, I finally decide to lean on him. And since he is my main tank, I decide that he can handle the full force of this nuclear bomb that is slowly killing me from the inside. "I found out my dad has another family."

"Well, I can see why your friend got all weird," Arkies responds, his tone surprised.

"No weirdness, " I groan, panic slowly rising that he's going to start acting all weird and stop talking to me like he always does.

"Hey now, you didn't let me finish. That's pretty fucked up. It would make a lot of people uncomfortable." He concludes, his thought process a lot different than what my mind just made up.

"And what about you?" I ask him, suddenly feeling like I am at the top of a roller coaster about to plummet down the steep part. "Does it make you uncomfortable?"

Arkies laughs, his mic left open just like my own. A gesture that speaks more to me than I'm sure he realizes. Having kept our personal lives out of the game he's exposing himself just as much as I am. "I think the only thing that would make me uncomfortable is if you were a guy."

I cross my arms and lean back in my computer chair, glaring at my computer screen. I'm baring my underbelly here and he's joking around? Maybe my whole perception of him was skewed.

"You're glaring at the computer aren't you?"

"Yep," I respond, popping my p and trying to keep my amusement that he knows me a little too well to myself. I guess you can't play five years together and not know anything about the person on the other side of the computer. 

Arkies sighs, "Sorry. No, Ella, it doesn't make me uncomfortable. Are you okay? That has to be..."

"Offensive, upsetting, infuriating?" I cut in, finishing his sentence and half answering his oncoming question. "The best part is my brother, dad and best friend knew about it and hid it from me."

I can hear Arkies let a breath out, obviously shocked like I had been when I found out, but then goes silent. I let my head fall back so that I can see the white texture of my bedroom ceiling. Why is this a good idea again? I'm sure he's thinking of something to say but falling short. Or maybe that's just the reaction everyone has when they hear something of this magnitude. Maybe it's because this whole situation is on the emotional side that brings the sting of oncoming tears to my face. How wonderful would it be to lose a friendship half a decade in the making on top of everything else? "I'm gonna go," I mumble, my voice faltering slightly.

"Are you crying?" Arkies asks his voice shocked, quiet, and now highly concerned.

I quickly wipe my eyes and try to shake the feeling, or at the very least push it to the back of my mind for the time being. "This was clearly another terrible choice," I mumble.

"Why? Because I took a moment to gather my thoughts so I could try to help you?" His response is quick and it honestly stings a little. It makes me look like I'm some crazy unstable girl who thinks the whole worlds is out to get her. The revelation leaves me sick and makes realize that maybe it's not just my situation that's fucked up, maybe I am too.

"Sorry..."

"Have you talked to your brother?" He asks, ignoring my apology and diving straight into my problem like it was his own.

"Yeah, and I got the classic big brother protecting the little sister story," I mutter.

"Have you talked to your mom about it?" He asks innocently.

I freeze, realizing that he has no idea about my home life and the fact that I am a child of a same-sex family. Quite honestly I'm not sure that detail is necessary for this conversation and can no doubt reveal who I am. "No...but I guess she knows."

"Talk to her then." He suggests like it was a simple solution that I should have seen before. Except for the last two times I tried to talk to people, it blew up in my face.

"Last time I did that I found out my brother's girlfriend was dying." I blurt out not thinking and letting my filter fall.

Arkies laugh floats through my headset light and warm. "Jesus Ella, are you trying to make it uncomfortable for me?"

I can feel my cheeks warm as I realize that I have told Arkies a lot of really embarrassing things tonight. "I didn't mean to." I gush out, not wanting him to think I was trying to make it awkward.

The laughter continues from Arkies making me shake my head. He sounds like he's actually having a good time, considering the amount of drama I just placed on him. Maybe this is why I was freaked out about talking to him about my life. I don't want to lose this. "Don't worry about it, no weirdness here. Promise."

The small smile on my face and the lightness of my heart makes me grateful I have someone like Arkies in my life and that small innocent thought brings on a very dangerous one. Who is the guy in front of the computer monitor I don't want to lose?