"SO THIS IS it . . ." Jaylen says, his voice a calm rasp as he brings his hands up to cup his face for a moment. "Our final test."

I roll my eyes at him from across the room as I unbutton my shirt. "It's not a test you idiot. It's just sex." I say to him with a slight smug on my lips, mimicking his actions, moving over to him across the room and cupping the pad of my thumb against his cheeks. He leans forward and kisses me, this time with a lot more intensity than I had anticipated as he bit my bottom lip, causing me to let out a shaken gasp before he slipped his tongue in my mouth at the opportunity.

I felt my whole body begin to heat up from his touch alone, his hands gripping my sides as he pulled me closer to him, chest or chest, our mouths never breaking apart as my grip on his face tightened. When we do break apart we're both panting like mad as if the only way we could survive was by having each other lips molded against each other.

"Alright, let's slow down a bit," I laughed nervously, grabbing ahold of his hands and bringing them up from my waist. "I mean we've both never done this before. I mean we've both done it before but just not with each other."

"Bergman I'm pretty sure it's gonna be the same as any old time," he snorted, shaking his head at me.

I made a face at that comment. I don't want him to think of this as just another sexual encounter, I don't wanna be just another one, I just want him to make that exception for me.

I want to be his first and only mistake.

"The only difference is I'm doing with someone who I like and care about a lot, it doesn't matter where it is or even how it is as long as I'm with you it will always be special." Jaylen continued, his words comforting my inner self like he was inside my head for a moment.

"Right . . ." I smiled at him.

He mirrored. "And if we're gonna do this we're gonna do this right, okay?" he said before rushing over to the light switch of his room and dimming the lights above us, letting the LED lights he has placed around his dorm come to the life, the red lights giving the room a different vibe then before.

"Jaylen, what the hell-"

"Just a sec!" He cut me off, rushing to the speakers on his desk. I watched his thumbs move quickly through his phone scanning through his long playlist of songs and then a familiar tone of Mariah Carey playing through the speakers. "Touch my body!" Jaylen sang along terribly as he danced over to me childishly, tackling me into his arms once he was close enough.

"You're so corny." I laughed, as he continued to sing the lyrics against my ear. Our mouths found each other again, lips hitting against each other, tongues fighting for dominance. Piece by piece our clothes found themselves leaving our bodies and onto the floor, until we were both left in nothing but underwear, hands rubbing and cupping each other's parts. We kissed and kissed and kissed until our lips turned raw, and we finally broke apart we both let out a small chuckle from the heated moment.

Jaylen positioned his knees under himself as he folded his arms over my chest."Alright, so the real question," he cleared his throat a bit. "Who's topping?" he asked.

My eyes immediately widened."What do you mean by who? I thought that it was pretty much established that I would be doing the bending?"

Jaylen made a face at me, lips pursing out a bit. "I don't know Bergman. Your butt is bigger than mine." I looked down at myself, a hand reaching and squishing my left butt cheek. Dammit, this is what I get for never skipping leg day.

"Okay, I know how we can settle this." Jaylen sighed sending me a knowing look. His brows furrowed at me as I continued to stare at him.

Jaylen reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a coin. "You're not serious," I tell him and he makes a face at me. "I'm the most serious I've ever been."

"This is so ridiculous Jaylen just turn around already so we can–" he tosses the coin in the air and both our eyes follow.  "Heads!" I called.

The coin fell onto the floor beside us and we both nearly fell out of the bed trying to see which side it landed on. "It's tails." Jaylen smiled brightly before picking up the coin. He turned to me with a cocky grin on his face and I wanted so desperately to slap it off. "Now you turn around for me." he raises his brows, placing the coin between two fingers before placing it back on the bedside table.

"I hate it here," I mumbled as I made my way back onto the bed.

Jaylen watches me with lustful eyes as I remove my briefs from around me, tossing the underwear on the floor leaving me completely naked. Despite already seeing my most intimate parts I still felt embarrassed. I don't know why, maybe it's because it's like it's his first time seeing me naked we share showers after practice like every day but at this moment I felt every bit of emotion. Jaylen stripped down from his boxers brief leaving him nude and I turned my head elsewhere, his hardened member pointed directly at me like I had some kind of magnetic pull on it.

He climbs back on the bed dragging his hands lightly over the warm skin of my chest, down to my stomach before finally palming my hard-on, causing my eyes to flutter close as my head fell back from his soft touch, a soft groan leaving my lips as I bucked my hips in his hand. "Cassian. . ." he breathed as he left kisses over my neck, continuing to rub me slowly, loving the way he was practically moaning my name with his voice deep and husky as he gripped onto my waist.

"You sure you wanna do this?"

I looked at him hovering over me and then down at my dick in his hands and sent him a face. "You're asking me this with my dick in your hands, my drawls on the floor, and your dick inches away from my ass. What do you think?"

"Alright smart ass." Jaylen rasped out before his hands found their around my legs, pulling me closer to his erection, the hardened member brushing against the side of my thigh causing the both of us to stiffen a bit. He reaches over to his bedside table and this time gets out a condom and lube from one of the drawers. I quickly move my attention away from and up towards the ceiling.

Is this how girls feel whenever they have sex? Or maybe I'm just really thinking everything because people have sex all the time but this kind of sex is completely different from anything I've ever done. I mean there's a 6'foot-something guy in between my legs right now and —

"Woahhh," my train of thought is completely severed by the feeling of cold that forms down there. I look ahead at Jaylen who's blinking at me with the bottle of lube in his hand. "that's cold as fuck."

"Sorry, I should've warned you."

I exhaled a low sigh. "No, it's fine."

"Your skin is really soft." Jaylen lifted his head and said. I raised a brow at him. "Was that supposed to be dirty talk?" I breathed out, moving my hips, trying to adjust to the cool sensation. He pressed his lips down to mine in a needy passionate kiss, causing me to let out a groan into his mouth as I felt the tip of his length brush against mine making the both of us tense in anticipation as he lowered me some more.

I feel him enter me and my eyes immediately go wide, my grip on him tightened. "Ow, Cas you're hurting me a bit." he cries lowly.

"You're one to fucking talk." I curse back at him.

We both let out a breathy chuckles before my grip on his shoulders softened and I lowered myself down all the way this time, trying my best to ignore the discomfort a bit. Jaylen let out a low groan, wrapping his arms around me, and pulled me close to him, my whole body tingling and my skin aflame from his touch alone.

••••

I woke up the next time a little earlier than expected, the morning sun barely breaking through the horizon it still looked dull outside. I looked over at the sleeping man beside me, his light snores filling the room. I pushed his messy bed hair out of his face, rubbing my hand over his warm cheeks making him smile in his sleep and he leaned into my touch. It's crazy to think how we acted towards one another when we first met and now here I am in his bed watching him sleep. Fate is such a funny thing — a tricky thing.

Although last night was wonderful and probably the best night of my life I'm incredibly in desperate need of a warm shower. After all the things that happened last night in this bed, I feel a nice cleansing would be appropriate. I could still taste him on my lips, feel his touch on my skin, smell him everywhere. We're so intertwined our breathing began to match. It's both terrifying and amazing. Every breath I took he followed, every exhale I took he followed, we're that connected.

I slipped out of bed trying not to wake the deep sleeper as I slipped back on my clothes from last night giving Jaylen one last look wanting nothing more than to curl back by his side and sleep with him, but I really needed to shower and if I were to stay any longer it would be pretty hard to explain to Celeb why I'm coming out of Jaylen's room this early in the morning.

I sneak out of Jaylen's room and quickly and quietly make my way out of the dorm room and across the hall to my sanctuary. I waste no time getting in the shower. I love the hot water. I love washing. It's a meditation of sorts combined with a boost for my senses. Showers are my mood elevator, taking me higher, and with today being the big day of the championship game it's exactly what I need to keep me focused for what's to come.

I get out of the shower and get myself dressed for the day. However, while pulling my T-shirt over my head my phone buzzes with a notification, and then another, followed by another, and I raise my brow as to who could be hitting me up this early in the morning. I grab my phone and see Lourdes's familiar contact name pop up on the screen again, but then I notice a few other notifications as well. I had a missed call from Coach Carter and he decided to text me "Meet me at my office when you can," I read the sentence in his monotone deep voice.

What does he want to meet with me for? Maybe to discuss today since it's a very important day for everyone I guess he's giving little pep talks or something that doesn't seem like him at all to be quite honest but whatever. I decided to call up Lo and see what she wanted.

"Cassian," she answers on the first ring. "Cassian, you there?"

"Yeah, I'm here," I say to her as I stuff my feet into my shoes tucking the phone in the crease of my neck. "I never took you for being an early bird Lo."

"Where are you?" She's quick to ask, her tone not as bright and cheerful as usual.

"I'm about to head to the field and meet the coach. Where are you?" I asked her.

"I'm outside your dorm building. When you come out here can we talk?"

I made a face into the phone like she could see me. "Of course. I'll be right down." I tell her before she hangs up the line.

I grabbed my gym bag and the rest of my belongings before I exited my room. It's still pretty early. Most of the team isn't expected to meet with coach until later this afternoon but here I am at the ripe time of eight a.m. on my way to the field for something I'm sure could've waited till later. I walk out of my building to see Lourdes sitting alone on one of the benches placed outside. Her feet dangle back and forth as she looks off into the distance ahead of her, cladded in an oversized T-shirt and biker shorts which is complete 180 from her usual preppy aesthetic. Even her hair is different. Not styled in its usual cut but instead uncombed and gelled down letting her natural puffy curls come to the light.

She notices me and I send her a wave and smile, oddly enough she mirrors but there's a lack of authenticity that I'm used to from her. Something up with her, I can feel it.

"So what's up Lo?" I take a seat next to her on the bench.

She looks me up and down, light eyes taking me in for a moment. "You're in a good mood." She said.

"Why wouldn't I be? Today is a very big day. Everyone on campus should be in a good mood. Including you . . ." I reach over and poke her freckled dotted cheek and she doesn't motion away from my touch but instead looks at me with a sympathetic gaze.

"You haven't seen it have you?" Lourdes's voice grew small and I made a face at her, confusion written all over my face. "Seen what?"

Lourdes's eyes fickle under the morning sun, she blinks before moving her gaze to her phone in her lap. She unlocked it and scrolled for a bit before shoving the screen in my face and I felt my heart sink to my stomach and the air around me grow thin.

There's a picture of me. My lips pressed against Jaylen's in the middle of the street without a care in the world. From the position the picture was taken, you can't make out Jaylen and from his outfit, his facial features are nearly impossible to see but I'm an obvious target like a deer in the wild with a bullseye on its tail. I feel my throat closing up, the air around me feeling razors as I inhale, and my stomach caving in on itself. I want to throw up — need to throw up, need to release. I look back at Lourdes to see her staring at me with worry in her almond eyes and I know she can sense the panic radiating off me like cologne.

"Who posted that?" I know who posted it. Probably one for hose stupid paparazzi that's been flooding the town since my dad came or perhaps that random stranger I took a picture with. He probably took the picture and sold it for a quick buck like some lowlife scum.

"It's all over social media. It was the first thing I saw when I woke up. You're literally trending." Lourdes explains but her words don't make sense to me and I can't comprehend them correctly. I took the phone from her hands and looked down at the screen again. I could feel my chest caving as I scrolled through the comments of the post.

'Well we lost another one ladies,' one read

'Cassian Bergman prefers balls off the field as well ' read another

I scrolled and scrolled, offensive words with my name right after coming again and again. It felt like hell, a type of paradox where my biggest fears had finally come true. I wanted to stop scrolling but I couldn't. The comments just kept flooding in, the number going up by the second.

"Cassian . . ." Lourdes takes her phone away from my hands. She placed it down under her thigh as if she knew I'd try to reach for it again. I looked at her and she looked a me, the silence between us almost deafening.

"Lo, I-"

"How long have you known . . ." Her voice was small and fragile like the tiniest shout would cause her to break into pieces. I didn't know how to answer her, and more so I was still in shock so I couldn't even if I wanted to.

She's smart enough to know that no answer is also an answer so she slowly nods her head before turning her eyes to the ground her feet swaying over the bench still. "D-did you know that I liked you?" she asks again.

It's an obvious thing that even the blind could see, but I never thought to say it aloud for the sake of our long-term friendship that I cherish deeply, and my attraction lies somewhere else to someone else so I never felt the need to act on it. "Yeah . . ." my voice is dry and a little like the morning sun coming up from the horizon.

Lourdes looks at me, eyes filled with sentiments that made my chest hurt worse than it already did, but she quickly blinks it away before scooting closer towards me on the bench, her head falling softly on my shoulder before she pulls me in for a hug. I don't know why that was my breaking point. Maybe I was just so riled up to my boiling point that my emotions were overflowing or maybe I just needed a touch of a friend, but I felt the tears rolling down my face at that moment. The warm salty tears coated my cheeks as Lourdes rubbed my shoulder in comfort and we sat in silence on the bench as I let my emotions finally come to the light in front of someone I knew wouldn't judge me for it and instead take me in with open arms.

••••

When I get to Coach Carter's office I'm all teared out. My face is flushed and my eyes are reddened despite Lourdes's attempt at using a jade roller to stop the puffiness that surrounds my facial features. I don't care enough to fix my face. I don't care about anything at this point. I already know what coach wants to talk about and on the way here I prepared myself for it.

However, when I got to coach office there were a few more bodies than I had anticipated. There's Carter behind his desk, face stiff and hardened like always so that's not out of the usual from the everyday routine, but Mr. Drew is here too right beside him, his face frowned into a slanted smile when he noticed me under the doorframe. The last person in the room but certainly the most unexpected was my dad sitting in one of the leather chairs that occupied the room. His face is the definition of disappointment, eyes hard and cold like a glacier. There's a printout of the picture of me in his lap.

I inhaled a breath before speaking. "You wanted to see me coach." I force out before taking a seat in the empty seat next to my fuming father.

"Cassian, I think you know why I called you in here." Carter started, his left hand sliding out a printout of the picture onto his desk like some top-secret file. I looked down at the picture and then back up at coach and then Mr. Drew.

"Is there a reason Mr. Drew is here for this?" I asked, not too much caring how I sounded at this point. There was no point.

Carter nods his head. "Yes, a very important reason actually."

"Cassian, I'm here because after hours and hours of talking with Coach Carter, I decided on picking you for the draft . . . but," the but felt like a knife was shot through my heart and twirled around to make sure I was dead. "things are a little complicated now as you can see."

I made a face at him. "How is complicated? You chose me so I'm chosen. I'm not understanding what you mean?"

"There's more to than just being chosen Cassian," I hear my dad say from beside me, voice filled with disappointment and anger. "You were picked for the draft that doesn't mean you were gonna get drafted automatically and you sure as hell aren't gonna get picked now with this out!"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "And why not?"

To be honest, I already knew why. There was not a single out and proud soccer player in the premier league and never had been. Advisors, marketing gurus, and management teams spent hours and vast sums of money to ensure nothing so scandalous would make it into the public eye.

"You're not gonna be marketable is the easiest way to put it. Teams and brands really look out for things like this when picking players and because of this scandal, your marketability has plummeted to a slim margin. I hate it has to be like this but that's just the way it is. That's the game." Mr. Drew explained.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek to keep myself from letting the tears that threatened my eyes fall. "So what not?"

"You also won't be playing in today's game," Carter said and my eyes grew wide.

"What? Why not!?" I jumped out of my seat at that.

"Because I said so," my father stands to his feet now, towering over me a bit. "What makes you think you deserved to play after you just ruined your entire career? All that money I spent on camps, specialized training, workout plans, etc completely gone to waste because you couldn't wait to do whatever you do behind closed doors with whoever — by the way who the hell even was this guy?"

All the eyes turned to me at that moment. I wanted to scream his name. Scream it so loud and proud that everyone on campus would wake up confused. I wanted the world to know that I was dating Jaylen Park and I'm proud of it too but I didn't dare utter his name. Not even under the watching gaze of Coach Carter, Mr. Drew, and my dad because I knew if I did the consequences that would follow. He would have the same fate I'm having now and I wouldn't wish that on him, not now not ever not in any lifetime. Without me in his way, Jaylen has a guaranteed place in the league and I know that's all he's ever wanted his whole life so I bite my tongue and shake my head.

"Just some guy I met at a party." I lie.

My dad scoffed at me. "Throwing away your career for some guy you met at a party, are you stupid Cassian?"

I didn't reply because maybe I was.

"I- I can't even look at you right now," my father throws up his hands shaking his head, long legs stretching out towards the door. "Just go clean out your locker. This season and your career is over for you!"

I followed behind him. "You can't keep telling me what to do!" I yell back. "All you've ever done is tell me what to do, how to do it, and when it has to get done. I am my person!"

My father's grew wide and enraged. "Your person? Cassian you are a Bergman! You are a legacy child, someone who's supposed to do big things in life but here you are at this school where I spend my hard money on paying your tuition, paying your books, your special dorms, your workout equipment, and this is how you repay me? Fumbling it all for a kiss with some stupid boy!?"

"He's not stupid!"

He tilted his head at me. "So you're defending him now?"

"I'll defend until my last breath."

My father let out a hardy laugh, satire in the best of ways as he turned to me with a heated glare. "I'm just so embarrassed of you. You've made a fool out of me. Do you not feel that? That shame? I feel it every time I look at you and see just how much time and effort I've wasted trying to craft you into something you had no passion for." With that he turned on his shoes and made his way out of the locker room, the double doors slamming behind him.

I don't think me and my dad have ever gotten into an argument before. His words float around in my head, the look of disappointment in his eyes lingering in my skull. I want to scream and cry and die, all at the same time. It feels like my heart is being squeezed and it hurts so fucking much but it's also so empty at the same time. I just want everything to fucking stop. I find it too hard to stand for a moment, the tears I've been fighting since I came here finally breaking free and I let them flow and flow.

I curled up against the wall, legs to my chest, tears on my kneecap, and my heart ripped out of my chest. There is nothing good about me anymore. I am sick of wasting my time. I am worn out. I am really tired.

••••
EXCUSE ANY MISTAKES OR ERRORS

#FUCKCJBERGMAN