a / n :

hi guys! i we're down to the last 2 chapters of this story (which i've yet to finish writing so i might not be able to update next weekend) and i'm glad to see you stick with hadley and dexter up until now.

reading through the comments in the past few chapters had actually been somewhat discouraging bc i can see quite clearly that i've failed in doing what i meant to do when i started writing this story. i wrote this in shifting third person point of view because i wanted to show how BOTH parties in a relationship can make or break it. surprisingly, however, i've noticed how most of you seem to blame hadley for everything, which i have to say i'm really confused about.

"hadley shouldn't keep stringing him along" "HADLEY JUST TELL HIM!!!!" "hadley you stupid hoe u don't deserve dexter" GUYS. i thought i made it pretty clear that 1) hadley already believes she doesn't deserve dexter, which is why 2) she decided long ago not to tell him. she was never stringing him along. if anything, 3) she's made it clear they most likely won't ever get back together because she genuinely believes that dexter's better off without her.

maybe you guys have never dealt with insecurities the way hadley has. she questions the love she gets because she never thinks she's good enough to get it. she's always scared that the people around her will realize how "unworthy" she is because she can't even see her own worth. and THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A DEEP REASON FOR THIS. it just happens. some people are just not as confident as others, and hadley, obviously, is so bogged down by her insecurities that she's willing to give up on her feelings.

dexter isn't perfect, people. you guys think he is bc hadley thinks he's perfect, and dexter's not self-aware enough to realize his imperfections so you never get to read about them in his POV. if you just pause and think about his choices and the way his mind works, you'll see past the glorified version hadley has of him. 

sorry this is very long. just haven't been able to find enough motivation to continue writing this precisely because i feel like it's already failed.

sorry again (really, i don't mean to sound so riled up) and thank you, always!

S I X T E E N

HADLEY FEELS THE car slow to a stop, but she keeps her eyes closed, her temple pressed against the cool glass of the window.

She doesn't stir until she feels Josh's hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her awake.

"Had," he says, his voice a soft murmur.

Hadley's eyes feel too heavy. Her everything feels too heavy. Her limbs, her heart, her mind. She feels herself sagging against the weight but struggles to keep herself upright anyway. Josh calls her again and she finally lets her eyes flutter open.

She straightens in her seat, looking out the window to see her house. Her car is nowhere in sight, so Taylor must be out. Thankfully, she thinks, because she really isn't in the mood to deal with him tonight. Or any other time in the near future.

Taylor is relentless.

He knows, vaguely, that something's wrong between Hadley and Dexter. He doesn't know, however, that there is no Hadley and Dexter. Not anymore. Not since the day he walked away without so much as a backward glance five days ago.

Time seemed to move slower. Or stop moving altogether. Hadley goes through the day's motion mindlessly. This, after all, is what she's good at: Masking her emotions until they all but faded away.

Her parents hardly seem to notice that something's wrong, but Taylor's a different story. He's picked up that something wasn't right even way before Hadley and Dexter fell into that argument, and it didn't surprise Hadley when her brother immediately hounded her for details. She's been avoiding him since.

In fact, she's been avoiding pretty much everyone. Sadie and Aanya had dropped by at her house the night of the argument. News travelled pretty fast. So fast, in fact, that her friends were somewhat appalled to learn it from Henry first. ("He's in fucking Singapore!" Sadie yelled accusingly at her.)

Hadley thought avoiding them would be difficult. It wasn't.

Josh's internship ended, coincidentally, almost as soon as she and Dexter broke it off. Her lola had fully recovered and was back to constantly fussing over the shop. Just the way she likes it. Hadley asked her parents if she could get the rest of the summer off (though she vowed to help out every once in a while, if they asked her to) and they easily agreed. It was, after all, her last summer before college.

She spent the past five days hanging out with Josh. He lived two towns over, where most of the richer estates were. His family owned a chain of local businesses over there, cultivated by generations of old money. Josh doesn't like talking about it. He doesn't even like people knowing about it, which, he once told Hadley, is why he chose to study in Rivermount High, where people are less likely to have heard of him.

Hadley herself didn't even know when they first started going out. He'd only really told her four months into their relationship, when he asked if, maybe, just maybe, she wanted to have dinner over at his house. It was his mother's birthday and the older lady had asked her son if she could meet his girlfriend.

His parents were nice, contrary to what one would expect of them. A little extravagant, maybe, and somewhat old fashioned, but Hadley can't really blame them. It was the only life they knew. It's not a life she wanted for herself, and she was surprised to find that Josh shares the same view as her. He always said he wanted to achieve great things without having to rely on his family's influence. He wanted to make a name of his own and this, Hadley admits, is one of the things she admires about him.

The two of them like hanging out in places where they're less likely to bump into people they know. His house was always an obvious choice, considering it basically has, like, everything in it. Plus, everyone in Sunset Road recognized Josh, and it was easier to just stay in his room and order Chinese or whatever instead of constantly being talked to by strangers.

She spent the day over at his house. Things between them haven't been the best. Many times, she'd felt as though he no longer knew how to act around her. It's like he's still tiptoeing around her, afraid he'd set her off if he made the slightest misstep. Hadley could see that he still hasn't forgiven himself for what he'd done.

Honestly, thought, she can't even bring herself to mind. She's too tired, she realizes, to keep holding on to grudges. Or feelings in general, for that matter. Ever since the day she and Dexter argued, she has been feeling oddly detached. It's not sadness, exactly. It's more like she stopped caring altogether.

It is, after all, too tiring. She'd rather just let things happen as they happen without having to worry about every little thing. She isn't sure if Josh notices her indifference or what, but either way, she doesn't really care.

She turns to him now. In the darkness of the car, she can see—barely—the slight tug of his lips when her sleepy eyes meet his.

"Hey," he says. "You were out the whole ride."

She runs a hand through her hair, trying to blink the drowsiness away. "Sorry."

"You all right?"

Hadley yawns as she nods.

Like always, he walks her to the door, one hand resting against the small of her back. Hadley isn't sure if it's something he picked up from growing up in a household like his, but there's always been a subtle, gentlemanly prince-like heir around him that he couldn't fully get rid of. Or maybe he isn't even aware of it.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" Hadley asks him once they reach the front porch.

A slight furrow appears between his eyebrows. He looks at Hadley for a long time, silent. Then he says, "Had." He lets out a breath and shakes his head. "If you're—if you're worried that I—that I might be meeting Gen when we're not together, I'm—not. I know it's hard for you to trust me but—"

"That's not it," Hadley rushes to cut him off. "I'm not—it's not...it's not like that."

His eyes regard her carefully. He doesn't say anything for a long time, and Hadley's eyes soften when she sees the guilt on his troubled face.

She steps closer and rises on her tiptoes to brush her lips against his.

"We're fine," she tells him, lifting their joined hands together. "See?"

He nods, albeit reluctantly, then they say good night and Hadley stays outside until his car disappears from view.

Her lips are still warm where they touched his and Hadley can't help but feel her own guilt consuming her too. She'd just spent the day with a boyfriend who can't seem to forgive himself for his mistake, but here she stands with a broken heart that beats for a different boy.

At least Josh had the guts to say sorry.

* * * * *

Maybe that's why Hadley found it easy to forgive him.

She didn't think so at first. Not when she'd confronted him and they ended up breaking things off with each other.

That night started off like any other. Or, okay. Maybe not. Josh had just found out that he got accepted for this internship program he'd been pining after for months. The two of them were going to celebrate over dinner at one of the fancier places his family often frequented.

They weren't supposed to go out until six, but Hadley had come over earlier to spend the afternoon over at his house. One of his nieces were staying with them. The little girl had always been fond of Josh and had come along to a number of their ice cream dates. When Hadley heard about Penelope spending a few weeks of her summer break over at his house, she thought she might as well go and play with her.

She came by a little after lunch, bringing with her cute Hello Kitty cupcakes that she bought from one of the bakeries near Sweet Tooth. Penelope was delighted, of course, and Josh seemed perfectly happy to see her too.

"You really should stop spoiling her," Josh whispered into her ear. "Mom and Dad spoil her too much already."

"She's their granddaughter," Hadley reminded him. "Nothing in this world can stop them from spoiling her. And I don't spoil her."

"Please," Josh said, waving a hand dismissively. "I bet you'd given her more gifts than you have given me."

"That's because you literally have everything. If anything, you're the spoiled one here."

Josh gave her a flat look, but she could see the corners of his mouth tilting up in an amused half-smile. "You're only saying that because you haven't seen Tate."

Tate was Josh's older sister. Hadley had never seen her—she was out "exploring the world's beauty," Josh would say with a hint of mockery—but from the stories she heard, the woman did seem a little too extravagant.

They spent most of that afternoon watching Disney movies with Penelope. They were halfway through the second movie when Josh excused himself to answer a call. Penelope's eyes barely left the screen, but Hadley slid hers to his.

"Can you get me a glass of water when you come back?"

When Josh nodded, she turned her attention back to the movie. Maybe if she'd looked hard enough, she could have seen the signs right there. She wonders, could she have seen it coming? Would she have seen his guilt? Or would it have been his eagerness to slip away from her?

Would it have hurt less?

Would he have told her himself, or just let her find out on her own?

Hadley wouldn't know. And, frankly, Hadley would rather not. To say she was hurt would be an understatement. Josh had always been her safety net. It was a rather heartless thought to have, but it was nonetheless true. Hadley went out with Josh hoping it would help her forget Dexter, and it worked.

Hadley didn't think it would, but it did, and there was something comforting about the thought of knowing she'd finally found a way to escape from her feelings for Dexter. She'd been unfair to Josh right from the very start. Hadley knew as much, but she went with it anyway.

Didn't she only get what she deserved? She had been cruel. Selfish. She was practically asking for Josh to cheat on her the moment she decided she'd use him.

She deserved it.

What really surprised her, after all, wasn't that Josh cheated on her.

It was in the fact that it hurt.

Somewhere along the way, this thing with Josh became a little less of a deceptive shield and more of an actual relationship without Hadley taking notice. How it happened, when it happened, the why's and the how's—these were all questions that surfaced into her thoughts only when she realized she cared enough about Josh for his betrayal to hurt her.

When she went to check on him, she hadn't expected to find him on the balcony, his phone pressed against his ear, laughing a laugh that sounded somewhat strange to her ears. It could have been anyone, really, but there was something—different about him. She couldn't quite put her finger on what, exactly, it was, but whatever it was had been enough to compel her to check his phone later that day.

"Must have been some phone call," she said when he finally returned. She noticed, quite irritatingly, that he'd forgotten her water. "You missed most of the movie."

"You can always fill me in," he said, settling himself into a seat beside her.

Hadley spent the rest of the afternoon trying to ignore the thoughts running in her mind. It was difficult. Even his littlest actions seemed suspicious. She noticed how often he checked his phone. She minded when she checked his wristwatch. Her eyes followed him whenever he went and excused himself to go get more popcorn or whatever.

She was pretty much driving herself insane by the time Penelope fell asleep. Josh had to carry her to her room while Hadley tidied up their mess.

"Just leave those there. I'll take care of them later." Josh said when he found her carrying the dishes to the kitchen. "Let me just take a quick shower, then we can head out. You wouldn't mind, would you?"

"Not at all," she replied.

She washed the dishes despite him telling her otherwise. She made sure to take her time, trying to talk herself out of harboring suspicions toward her boyfriend. Her boyfriend, who always made sure that she was enjoying herself. Her boyfriend, who never failed to say the right thing whenever she needed him to. Her boyfriend, who never gave her any reason for her to doubt him.

She slipped into his room when she finished washing the plates. His phone was on the bed and she could hear his shower running. It was her chance.

And she hadn't wanted to take it. She could have let it pass harmlessly by. She could have just thrown his phone back on the bed and just forget about it. It was so unlike her to even think of intruding on his privacy anyway, and she'd be pissed if it had been the other way around.

She almost didn't go through with it.

She was just about to put the phone back where she found it when the screen lit up with a message.

She felt her blood go cold.

Genevieve.

That was her name.

Her thoughts were racing. Her heart was thudding hard against her chest. She kept staring at the phone long after the screen had darkened, her breathing coming in heavy, punctuated exhales that made it hard for her to think.

Then, with a steadier resolve, she unlocked his phone to check the message.

Genevieve had sent him a photo. Daisies, on a vase, placed by a window.

You really shouldn't have bothered, but thank you anyway. I think they really brighten up my room. Wish I got you something too. :(

Hadley found herself scrolling up, reading their conversation in reverse. He'd sent her flowers to congratulate her. She'd gotten into the same internship program as him. He'd been up until 4 am that morning talking to her. She sent him a photo of her dog the night before. He replied with something that didn't make any sense to her at all. She realized it must have been an inside joke.

Eventually, she stopped reading every message as she went. She scrolled up and up and up, pausing every now and then to catch snippets of their conversations. She wanted to find out how far back they'd been talking, but Josh came out of the shower before she could.

A towel was wrapped around his lower half and his hair, as usual, was dripping wet. He handed her the towel slung over his neck and sat beside her on the bed. "Please?" he said, ducking his head forward, motioning for her to dry his hair like she often did whenever he got out of the shower.

She always chastised him for never bothering to dry it off before leaving the bathroom. One day, she couldn't help but snatch a towel so she could dry it herself. "This actually feels nice," he'd told her that day, his lips pulling back into a lazy smile. He always asked her to dry it for him since then.

Now, the towel sat in a limp bundle in her hands. Droplets of water were falling on her dress, but she sat still.

Sensing something was wrong, Josh pulled back to look at her.

"Is something wrong?"

Despite everything, Hadley refused to believe that her suspicions were true. She could have been his cousin. Or a close friend, maybe. After all, there was nothing flirty about their texting. The L word or anything remotely similar to it was never dropped, and as far as she could tell, they were really just talking.

Every day until five in the morning.

"Had?" Josh prompted when she still hasn't moved.

"Where did you meet her?"

His brows furrowed. "What?"

She handed him his phone without saying a word. He blinked, his eyes alternating between her and the device in his hands. He reluctantly swiped it open, and Hadley knew the first thing he'd see would be the daisies.

He froze.

Hadley kept her face still, eyes fixed resolutely on his bare white walls. It was surprisingly easy to keep her emotions in check. She sat there, waiting for him to collect himself, feeling oddly detached despite her wildly racing thoughts.

She felt him shift and take a deep breath. "Had."

She stood up before he could say another word. "Get dressed. I'll wait for you outside so we can talk."

Hadley wanted him to tell her that she was wrong. That it's not what she thinks, so can they please just hurry up and get to the restaurant in time for their reservation?

That's not what he said though.

When Josh finally emerged from his room, his face somber and eyes unsteady, she knew right away that she wasn't wrong.

Hadley barely said anything as he talked. She let him stumble through well-worn apologies and unrehearsed explanations. His words were all over the place; like he couldn't quite string them together in a way that would make her understand. It didn't matter though. She understood well enough.

Her name was Genevieve. She lived in the city. They met when they took that exam for that stupid internship.

Her car wouldn't start and Josh stayed behind to help. Hadley vaguely remembers him getting home late that night. He'd said something about somebody getting car problems or something. Hadley thought it was just one of those things that didn't actually need to be remembered; those small, irrelevant details that did not need to be filed into memory. Josh had to let her borrow some money so they exchanged numbers and arranged to meet again.

Things "just happened" from there on.

It wasn't like they were going out, really. They were simply just... talking. Conversing. For real. They talked about everything. What she had for lunch. What he thought of this movie. What her stepdad joked about during dinner. It wasn't flirting, really.

It was something much more real than that.

Josh had cried. His apologies were ridden with guilt. That much was obvious, but Hadley refused to turn to him. When all that was needed to be said was said, Hadley simply removed the ring he'd given her two weeks ago on their graduation, bade him goodbye and left.

Walking out on him had been easy.

It was going home to find all his traces in her room, her house, her life that was difficult.

It was ridiculous. The whole thing felt like a badly executed joke. The kind that needed to be explained for people to get the punchline. Hadley could have laughed. Really. She would have.

But then she saw the tulips he'd given her along with the ring, now dried up and brown, sitting right there on top of her study desk. That was when it hit her. She crossed her room in three quick strides and snatched the flowers from the vase. She chucked them into the trash bin but felt like that wasn't enough so she picked them back up and all but crushed the drying petals in her hands.

She didn't realize she was crying until the last flower sat limp and dead in her shaking hands.

The tears surprised her. The choked sobs, even more so. She'd rubbed her eyes raw trying to stop the tears from coming, but they were stubborn and stupid, so, so, so stupid that despite her better judgment, she found herself leaving for Dexter's.

Dexter, who would know what to do to fix her. Dexter, who would engulf her into a hug so warm she'd forget about the rest of the world. Dexter, who would have never cheated on her had she not thrown away what they had two years ago on that cold December morning, when her heart froze and broke and never quite worked the same way again.

Hadley honestly believed seeing Dexter was the only thing that could have fixed her that night.

She never thought it would end up leading to the one thing that could break her in ways no amount of repairing could ever fix.

Maybe we should stop being friends.

The words have played in her head over and over for days. Hadley keeps telling herself it's for the best—that she had never been good enough for Dexter anyway, not even as a friend, and he has every right to cut her out before she could ruin his life any further.

Wasn't this what she'd braced herself for anyway? When she broke up with him, when she went out with Josh, when she decided she'd keep her feelings a secret instead of acting on them. She did all this to keep herself from getting too close to him because she knew—

She was always meant to lose Dexter.

All she can do now is tell herself that it will get easier. That once they leave for college and meet new people and see the rest of the world, she'd be able to forget about him and his laugh and his eyes and his smile and all the words and promises he'd said to her in the past two years.

The words she'd left unsaid sit heavy in her heart, but she has hurt him enough.

The least she can do now is to quietly disappear from his life.