Kabanata 7

My first months of marriage with Sancho was spent with nothing but me mourning for Caspian... Hindi ko matingnan noon si Sancho. Para lang akong robot noong kinasal kami. Our wedding day was not a very good memory to us...

Nagluluksa pa rin naman ako sa pagkamatay ni Caspian. Naiisip ko pa rin siya at ang mga pagkukulang ko at nagawa dahil sinisi ko rin ang sarili ko somehow kung bakit siya humantong sa ganoon...

It was sad that he died young...

And now I think... I don't know anymore what I'm feeling...

Am I just guilty? Guilt na lang ba ang naiwan sa akin ngayong pakiramdam ko ay nagkakamabutihan na rin kami ni Sancho...

Niyaya ko si Sancho isang beses na pumunta kami sa barber para magpa-haircut siya dahil humaba na rin ang buhok niya.

"But is it okay with your work? Na magpa-haircut ka?" I asked when I remembered.

Tumango naman si Sancho. "Yeah, it's all right." He assured me.

So we went out that day at nag-shopping na rin. May mall din naman kung saan kami pwedeng mag-shopping na hindi madudumog si Sancho ng fans niya.

It was I think our first time going out together... like a date...

I sighed.

I even became his temporary Manager now. Well, just until his manager comes back, and probably after giving birth. Sancho's manager married a little later.

Also everyone knew that the actor and their idol Sancho Abellana got married to me. Sa probinsya kami kinasal kaya walang masyadong media noon at mabilisan lang din ang pagpaplano ng kasal namin. Iyon din ang gusto ko para makaalis na rin ako sa puder ng mga magulang ko noon...

And I'm just glad that his fans supported him in our marriage. Kahit hindi rin nila ako kilala noong una. But his fans were matured enough and accepted that he got married to me. Siguro nga ay mas open minded na nga ngayon ang fans ng mga actors and less toxic na rin unlike before na hindi pwedeng kahit may iba ka lang na makakapareha sa isang movie at hindi iyong palagi mong ka-loveteam ay parang hindi na magugustuhan ng fans mo. Or that sometime in the past fans kind of expected that their idols would just be single forever... Dahil parang hindi nila nagugustuhan kapag pumasok na ito sa isang relationship. What more marriage? Kung noon siguro ay laos ka na kapag kinasal ka na at lalo pa kapag nagkaanak ka na...

I wondered if malaki ba talaga ang epekto niyon sa pagiging propesyunal mo pa rin naman na aktor?

After a few months more Sancho's Manager was already back to work after giving birth. Naimbitahan pa nga kami noong baby shower nila. And then we were also asked to become godmother and godfather to the baby na hindi rin naman namin tinanggihan ni Sancho. And I think it was my first time also na maging ninang. I was also happy and excited to be a part of the baby's life.

"How about you two? Mag-iisang taon na rin ba kayong kasal? Kailan n'yo plano na magka-anak na rin?" A friend from the entertainment industry has asked Sancho and me during the Christening we just attended.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Sancho sandali. Pagkatapos ay ngumiti na lang sa nagtanong. Mabilis din na winala ni Sancho roon ang usapan. Maybe because he was thinking that it made me uncomfortable...

But when we were already home, napaisip ako sa sitwasyon namin ni Sancho habang mag-isa na ako sa tahimik ko na kwarto.

We've been sleeping in separate bedrooms ever since. And since we got married and started living together, nothing has ever happened to me and Sancho...

Nakagat ko ang labi ko. I thought to myself if I was ready for it.

Maayos na naman kami ni Sancho. Even though our marriage was just arranged by our parents, pero tingin ko ay naging maayos pa rin naman ang kinalabasan...

Maybe because I got to know Sancho more, I got to know him again. And I've known him better now. I realized that after all he didn't really changed that much from the Sancho I knew when I was younger. Pakiramdam ko ulit ay siya pa rin iyong kababata ko noon. We just parted ways somehow but he's still Sancho...

Napangiti na lang ako sa sarili habang naisip ko ito.

At naisip ko rin na mukhang handa na akong buksan ang puso ko para sa kaniya...

But unexpected things always happens...

"You're not my Manager anymore." I can't believe Sancho pouted.

Umawang ang bibig ko habang tinitingnan ko siya. At pagkatapos ay umiling na lang ako, and I chuckled a little bit. And then I looked at him again. "You will miss me in your set? At your work?" Kung sabagay we've been always together these past months. Ang bilis rin nakabalik sa trabaho ng Manager niya. She actually thanked me and I think I just did my job right when she was away.

Ngumiti pa ako kay Sancho. "You can always bring me naman, 'di ba? I mean, kapag pwede lang sa set n'yo o sa shoots mo." I just said to him with a smile to somehow reassure him, too.

He looked kinda sad but I can't help it but chuckle and smile at his face. He also kind of looked cute when he's giving me this pouting face. I can't help it but giggle...

"Pwede? I'll definitely bring you with me all the time." He said, and he looked happy.

Pabiro ko na lang inikutan ng mga mata ko. "Baka ma issue na naman ako n'yan na ang clingy ko namang asawa sa'yo."

Kumunot ang noo ni Sancho. "Well, I don't care about what other people would think..."

Umiling lang ako sa sinabi niya at ngumiti.

Isang araw ay nakatanggap kami ni Sancho ng tawag galing sa Mommy niya. Umuwi raw kami sa Iloilo para sa birthday ng nakababatang kapatid niya. It was Ynes's birthday. Ayaw pa nga sanang pumunta ni Sancho noong una but I carefully checked his schedules like what I always do back when I was still acting as his manager. At kinausap ko siya na pumunta na lang kami at baka gusto rin siyang makita ng Mama niya. Wala rin naman siyang gaanong trabaho pa muna sa mga susunod na araw. Kahit sandali lang kami sa Iloilo...

And I remember that it's been a year since Caspian passed away... I realized that it won't be easy to go back to Iloilo after what happened in the past. Naalala ko pa rin si Caspian at naisip ko pa rin ang mga nararamdaman ko lalo nang dumating na kami ni Sancho. We stayed at our house there that was gifted to us by Sancho's grandfather.

Kung hindi close si Sancho sa Papa niya ay maayos naman ang relasyon nila ng Lolo niya. At nakita ko iyon. How Sancho was a loving grandson to his grandfather.

While preparing to go and attend Ynes's party, hindi ko maiwasang maalala ko si Caspian at ang mga nangyari noon sa amin...

And when I saw him again for the first time and alive, I couldn't stop my shock and my overwhelming feelings.

And maybe I also felt guilty. I felt like I, too, had betrayed Caspian when I think that I was already developing some feelings for Sancho...

I was confused...

Natutulala lang ako habang nasa loob ng sasakyan ni Sancho at pauwi galing sa party ni Ynes. Where I just discovered that Caspian, who I thought already died in an accident at work, was actually still alive.

Gulat pa rin ako at halos hindi ko na alam ang iisipin...

"What was that, Sancho..." nasambit ko nang nakapasok na kami sa tahimik na bahay namin dito sa Iloilo. We're not always home here at ngayon nga lang kami nandito kaya walang mga kasambahay dito bukod lang sa caretaker na nagme-maintain ng bahay na ito. We also didn't ask anymore for some staff to serve us here dahil alam namin ni Sancho na sandali lang din naman kami rito at babalik din agad ng Manila...

Binalingan niya ako at hinarap. "Rose..." He looked like he's become weaker in front with of me now. And he looked like he's ready to beg me...

"We're married now... You are already married to me..." As if he reminded me that.

Nakatingin lang naman ako sa kaniya at hindi pa muna alam ang sasabihin...

"Ynes is pregnant, with his child. That's why Captain Caspian proposed to her tonight on this evening of her birthday, he proposed a marriage to my sister because they're starting a family..."

Tumulo pa rin ang luha ko by listening to Sancho's words. Masakit pa rin. Lalo na at bumalik na sa akin ang mga alaala ng nakaraan namin ni Caspian...

Hindi ko pa rin maiwasan na masaktan...

"Rose..." Sancho tried to get a hold of me and would probably try to comfort me pero iniwasan ko siya at nilagpasan.

"I'm resting now." I said coldly.

And then I left him there standing alone in the dimmed light in the living room. At pumunta na ako sa kwarto ko at nag-locked. And I had to cry myself to sleep...