Sash's eyes^

(Ravine POV)

I rubbed my hands together before turning up the heater. I never knew that I could experience this type of cold. Of course, what do I expect? It's Iceland for God's sake and here I am currently waiting and hoping for him to arrive for our dinner. Being in a relationship with an actor really is a sacrifice. After a few minutes, he finally arrived with a bouquet of flowers.

"Hey babe! I'm sorry, I'm so late." He said before rushing over to me and giving me a warm hug.

"Shall we eat already?" I asked.

"Let's go. That looks delicious by the way." He commented.

"I cooked the pot roast just the way you like it. I also made a mushroom gravy to go with it." I said to him before we made our way at the table.

"Red wine?" He asked me before pulling the cork out of the bottle.

"Sure!" I answered him and he poured me a glass of it. After a while, we finally began digging in and enjoying our delicious meal.

"This is so fucking good. It's tender and melts in your mouth." He praised which always makes me blush as usual. "What's the update on your book? What did the publisher say?"

"Um..." I began stuttering. How the fuck do I say this to him? "About that, I was planning to tell you a long time ago but I was just afraid of stressing you out even more if I inform you about this."

"About what?" He asked.

"I am not going to publish my book anymore." I said to him and he yelled.

"WHAT?" He said.

"Keep your voice down. Mrs. Genevie will hear you." I shushed.

"What do you mean 'you're not going to publish it anymore'?" He asked.

"I don't think I can do that to my dad. I don't think Sylvia would want me to publish something like this. It might harm and hurt dad's feelings." I said.

"But Ravine, you worked hard on that for four years. Four fucking years, you poured your sweat and blood for that book. It's plain stupidity not to publish it." Sash scolded me.

"Interesting turn of events now because as far as I remember, you were the one who told me to give my dad a break and I shouldn't do this to him." I said.

"But I did agree with you at the end of our conversation that day. I told you that it's your right to tell your story. Do not dare use that as an excuse, Vinny." Sash said. "Do you really think Sylvia would want you to throw away your four years of hardwork and dedication just for the sake of not hurting your dad's feelings? Do you think Sister Charity would want this?"

"Stop bringing up Sylvia, you don't even know her." I said to him.

"Okay, fine! You throwing this away or refusing to publish your book will be your biggest what if in life, mark my words." Sash said.

"I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to hurt Milo. I don't want people to think badly of dad, I just...I don't think I can do it." I said.

"So every consultation you had with Sister Charity, every late night and early morning sessions of writing that book are now going to the trash, is that it? You're just going to forget the commendable effort that you've put in for that book. Those are all for nothing now? Is that what's going to happen?" Sash said.

"What if this takes a bad turn?" I asked.

"Remember your words, Ravine. You clearly said to me that you were doing this and writing this for yourself. You wanted to achieve justice and you wanted other people to read your story and know that they are not alone with what they're going through and that they can find their way out of darkness. It's your right to tell your story, don't forget that. Of course, there are always going to be advantages and disadvantages when you publish the book. Your dad might refuse to talk to you for a while as well as Milo most probably and you know why? Because they would never understand what it's like to be in your shoes. They wouldn't understand how you lived through the abuse of your psychotic mother and the pain of being neglected. They would never and the only person who can understand where you're coming from is yourself. I know that deep down, you wanted to publish it for so many understandable reasons and I don't blame you for it. You wanted to feel seen and heard, plus this might give you your huge breakthrough as a literary figure. Do not waste this huge chance by being spineless and having no courage to put it out there just for the sake of pleasing people. Nobody should have gone through what you experienced, no one so as a way for you to have closure, you decided to write a book and now, you are going to back out just because your family won't approve of it? Not that I am trying to brainwash you or anything, but I am just saying that you might regret this for the rest of your life. It might even haunt you until the very end. Don't let it. You wrote that from the heart and it's a shame if you deny yourself this." Sash said.

I then recalled a flashback of dad's words to me when I was still in college.

"It's okay. We understand. It's your right to tell your story and we won't stop you from pursuing your newfound passion. We are always going to have your back, you know that, right?"

Strangely, Sash's words are the exact words of my dad. Deep down, I think dad knows what I am writing about but he still encouraged me to carry on. He would want for me to publish this.

"Did I talk some sense into you now?!" Sash asked. "Answer me, goddamn it!!"

"Shh!" I shushed.

"Don't fucking shush me!" Sash threw his plate across the room and I flinched a little. Sash and I have been arguing most of the time. We barely see each other anymore because of his schedule and the little time we do have for each other, they weren't really the most pleasant experiences at all. He's been having some violent outbursts more often and I don't think it's healthy for us to be together anymore.

"We have done nothing but fight, Sash." I said before pinching my nose bridge in frustration. Sash sat back down and looked taken aback.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that." He said before holding my hand for comfort.

"Face it, Sash. Our relationship is not working out anymore. Going to Iceland with you is probably not the smartest idea after all. I kept telling myself to just be supportive but I don't think I can manage anymore, I'm sorry. I can't with this anxiety surging inside me, making me wonder what's taking you so long. We don't see each other so much and the little moments that we do have, we just end up yelling at each other and having an argument. Before this turns ugly and physical, I think I'm just going to end it with you." I said bluntly.

"Ravine...what?" Sash said with a shaky voice.

"It's not the same anymore, Sash. It just crumbled." I said.

"Ravine, no! Please, you don't mean that, do you?" Sash began crying.

"I do. I really do. We're not meant for each other." I said. "I'll tell you what. I'll leave tomorrow morning so I can let you do your thing, okay? And also for you not to think about me anymore staying up late for you. I am going to give you a peace of mind finally and I am going to fly back to the states to publish this manuscript. Is that good enough for you?" I said.

"Ravine, you're not really going to leave me just like that. Please, don't!  I promise I'll change for you. If you want me to quit acting, I will!" Sash cried desperately.

"No! Don't do that, Sash! That's not what I want to happen. Before this turns ugly and before we start beating the shit out of each other, why don't we just end this as early as possible so this rift won't turn into something bigger and more hostile, right?" I explained to him.

"Vinny, I love you! I don't think I can make it without you." He cried.

"You can. It's just that I don't want to experience the same toxicity that my mom and dad experienced from each other. I have had enough of that." I said.

"Don't you love me anymore?" He said.

"I love you and that's the reason why I am doing this. I don't want this to escalate into something more toxic. It's for the best. Trust me." I said before going to our room to start packing. Sash barged in and began stopping me and grabbing my clothes.

"No, don't!" I said to Sash.

"You're not leaving. I won't allow!" He said before grabbing my wrists and flashbacks of my mom and dad fighting came through my head and that's when I snapped.

"Stop!" I said before slapping Sash so hard, he was caught off guard. "I'm tired. I am so tired. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I have been hurt my entire life. I love you and I always will but it's not working out anymore. I have a right to remove myself out of this toxic situation as early as possible because I can already see where this is going. I am not going to be like my mother. I am not going to be toxic like her. I will not be like her. So please, just try to understand!" I cried to him while he's just looking at me in devastation.

Afterwards, I carried on with my packing while he just stood there, watching me with pain and sadness in his eyes.

Goodbye Sash, I love you but we're not meant to be. I am not going to let history repeat itself. We're not going to be a replica of my parents' toxic relationship. Not ever!