Remus POV

Monday, January 16th

5 days until the full moon

I roll over sluggishly after hours of restless sleep. Dreams slip my memory the moment my eyes open, leaving my mind susceptible to my own thoughts. My worst enemy. I turn my head to the right, curiosity getting the better of me. Latching a finger in the part of my curtains, I pull them aside to catch a glimpse of Sirius' bed. Outside, the sun has barely begun to rise; even the birds haven't woken yet to annoy everybody with their song. His bed is covered but his presence is vacant. I can just...feel it. With further inspection, I notice his wand is missing from the nightstand; he always keeps it in the same spot every night.

Sneaking out, yet again. He seemed to be doing it more often. Not that I care. Rolling over again, I lift the covers to completely bury myself underneath. The complete darkness consumes me, lulling me to sleep.

Voices speaking echo their way into my mind after what feels like only minutes of sleep. Sitting up, I draw my curtains to see the boys up and roaming the dorm. Sirius is back in the dorm, his hair damp and pulled up into a bun.

"Lily's birthday is coming up," James says as he buttons up his white collared shirt, breaking me away from my thoughts. "What should I get her?"

"Who cares?" Sirius mutters in search of his tie. My eyes are drawn to him. We haven't spoken, albeit the few times to make James and Peter less uncomfortable, since that day.

"I do! Peter?"

Peter shrugs his shoulders. "I got Mary a candle and took her to dinner over the break for her birthday," he says.

"Get her some flowers," I suggest.

Sirius shoots me a look through the reflection of the mirror. It's unreadable. His eyes are shielded like the first time we spoke. I can't seem to figure out anything he's feeling.

James nods, taking mental notes. "Like roses?" he asks.

"Or I don't know...lilies?" Sirius says looping the knot in his tie. He even looks good when he's doing something as simple as tying a piece of fabric. I push away my covers, and just before my feet hit the floor Sirius announces, "I'll be in the Great Hall." He grabs his robe laying over his trunk and walks out of the room.

Tuesday, January 17th

4 days until the full moon

Sirius is already sitting at the Potions table when I walk in. His hair curtains around his face as he sketches in the margins of his book. Thin arms wrap around my waist from behind and I jump slightly. Lifting my arms I catch a glimpse of blonde hair and relax. "Hey Abigail," I say keeping an eye across the room on Sirius. He hasn't looked up.

"Hi baby," she coos. I grimace at the nickname but don't show it when she comes around to face me. "Do you want to do something after class?"

"Uh sure?"

"Great!"

Detaching herself from me, I make my way over to my table. Lily is talking to Marlene at the table next over and Sirius is still doodling. When I place my things down, his eyes shift over to me but he doesn't say anything at all. It's uncomfortably awkward. Not only for us but for everybody. But I can't just let it go. He just doesn't get it...

"Hey guys," James says talking Avery's usual stool in Potions. Lily spins around in her seat, raising an eyebrow at him questioningly.

"James what're you doing?" I ask.

"Avery agreed to switch with me."

"And you think Slughorn won't notice?"

"Maybe if I just brood and carve shanks like he does, Slughorn won't tell the difference."

Lily scoffs, "Sure James."

James? Since when does Lily call James, James? When I watch their conversation, James doesn't even bat an eye at the use of his name. Was I missing something?

"Prongs, when you'd get here mate?" Sirius asks joining the conversation. His mood shifts immediately as if I'm not even here.

"Couldn't bear another day with her, Pads," James says. "No offense Moony." I shrug my shoulders, not finding it in myself to argue with him. "I swear she doesn't own a damn textbook! One more, James move your arm I can't read, and I think I would've stuck my head into the cauldron."

"Where do you come up with those ridiculous nicknames?" Lily asks.

James shoots me a look as Sirius does the same to him. Unfortunately we all answer at the same time:

"We were drunk," James blurts.

"Peter," Sirius says.

"We found them in a book," I answer.

We're bloody idiots...I roll my eyes at our own idiocy when James corrects ourselves. "Peter found them in a book when he was drunk," he explains in the least convincing way possible. The urge to slam my head against the wall is very strong right now. Sirius seems to be thinking the same thing, but I force my eyes to stare at the table before he notices me looking.

Lily makes a face but doesn't press the subject more. "You're all idiots," she mumbles.

"No need to tell us twice," James replies.

"Can you pass me that ink bottle?" Lily asks.

I reach for it just as Sirius does and our hands brush together. My hand is first to pull away and he slides the small glass bottle across the table. Heat rushes to my cheeks and I know he notices. God I'm so pale I probably look a tomato right now... I keep my hands on my lap the remainder of class to avoid another accidentally interaction with Sirius.

Wednesday, January 18th

3 days until the full moon

My body feels dead. It aches to the bone with every movement. There's only a few days until the next full moon but this has got to be the worst I've ever felt. Peter brought me to the Hospital Wing to rest, leaving me with a half eaten bar of chocolate and a randomly picked dandelion to have at my bedside.

The bed molds against my lethargic body comfortably until I can't move. Madam Pomfrey shoved a few potions down my throat to help ease the pain. It did so, but only slightly.

Most of the time I spent sleeping, slipping in and out of consciousness. When I really wake up, it's fairly dark. The wing is completely empty aside from myself. Sitting up, my stomach grumbles and I place my hand over it to settle the feeling. The double doors burst open and I sink down into the bed as a group of people are rushed in. Lights flicker on automatically, allowing me to properly see the scene.

"Mr. Black!" Madam Pomfrey shouts.

Sirius is dragged in by the arm, a large cut across his jaw. Behind him are two younger girls - one Hufflepuff and the other Ravenclaw. The smaller of the two is unscathed but the other has a buck teeth growing rapidly by the second. Snape follows in next with a black eye and lastly a younger boy who looks eerily like Sirius himself. They're all ushered to the beds across from mine, arguing at the same time. It's hard to pick up on what exactly was happening, but I catch a few key words: duel, hex, Sirius, and innocent.

"Mr. Black sit down!" Madam Pomfrey scolds, holding Sirius down onto the bed. "Drink!"

The familiar blue bottle catches my eye. Skele Gro. In second year Abigail was practicing spells and one backfired on me, causing all the bones in my left hand to mush. She was terrible at DADA - still is. She can barely even aim right. But the only thing I remember from that day was the Skele Gro. That stuff tasted like pure poison. Sirius had probably broken his jaw dueling.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Madam Pomfrey mutters frantically aiding them all at once. "Dueling in the middle of the corridor! I'll have the Professors here any minute now to decide your punishments."

Hushed whispers begin to start up when Madam Pomfrey walks away with her rolling cart. I can't make out what they're saying, so I tilt my head slightly to get a better view across the room. Sirius is talking to his brother, I assume, off to the side away from the rest. Snape sulks on one of the beds with a large chunk of ice pressed to his eye. The other two girls sit quietly across from each other.

The double doors open again and we all look to see who it is. I groan, burying myself farther into the bed when I see Abigail skip through the door. Of course she had to come at this precise moment. Sirius was most definitely noticing me now if he hadn't before. Maybe if I pretend to still be asleep she'll go away.

The scent of floral perfume becomes prominent in a matter of seconds when I feel a shove on my shoulder. "Remus," Abigail whispers, leaning down to get closer. "Are you awake?"

I stir, going against my better judgement and roll over to look at her. Her blonde hair hits me in the face and she brushes it behind her ear. "I was getting worried about you after I heard about..." Her eyes drift over to the group across the room. "I saw Professor Flitwick break up a duel and heard they were coming to the Hospital Wing and wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine," I say sitting up. Sirius stares at us, his arms are crossed and he's biting his bottom lip. He isn't even hiding the fact - as if he wants me to see him looking at us. I push away Abigail's hand that runs through my hair to fix it up. "Stop, please."

"Is it...the thing?" Abigail inquires with wide eyes.

The thing. Maybe she was trying to be quiet, but I can't help but think that she pretends it doesn't exist too.

"Yeah, I was just feeling really sick earlier. It happens, you know the drill."

"Okay. You know, Evans has been really curious about you recently. I think maybe you're slipping on keeping it secretive."

I refrain the urge to roll my eyes and hang my head. "Who gives a shit if she knows? It's my secret."

"I know, but how can you trust her? If too many people find out -"

"I'm done talking about this Abigail!"

Abigail takes a step back, her lips curled downwards. "I'm sorry..." She leans down, pecking half of my lips. "I love you."

"Love you...too," I reply defeatedly. As Abigail leaves, Sirius' eyes meet mine across the room. I don't want to admit he's right. But he was right. I didn't love her. And I haven't for a long time now.

Thursday, January 19th

2 days until the full moon

Every time I leave the dorm I put my mask on. It allows me to smile at people, look happy, unbothered. It's invisible, you see. Nobody can tell, but I'm never really myself. That is, unless I'm with my friends. The times I can really let myself breath are the times I'm running around with James, playing games with Peter, and...when I'm with Sirius.

Abigail's my safety. I loved her. Once. Until she cheated. It destroyed me and I don't think the pieces could ever be mended. My dad loves her like part of the family. He's always saying how we would end up married together. When he thinks of me, he thinks of us. The straight son who marries the pretty girl and lives happily ever after. But he didn't get that. He got the werewolf son who sneaks around with the rebel boy and...their end is unknown.

And so I stood by Abigail's side.  Was it as horrible as people said? My stomach churns at the thought of our time together. All the times she would fuel my insecurities. She hated when I read. Always telling me that it was a waste of time. Sirius never did that; every Sunday we would sneak up to the Room of Requirement so I could read and he could draw. She hated when I wore mismatched socks because it wasn't proper. Sirius would hide my matching socks just for fun. She was ashamed that I was a werewolf. Deep down, I know it. The dirty looks I'd get from people, she wouldn't stand up for me. She would just walk faster. Sirius. Sirius showed me the beauty of the forest. He makes me believe I'm human. Worthy of love. But I still stood with her.

I am a coward. Saying nothing is saying something.

Kicking the wall, I lean against it and let out a scream. I have to be honest with myself. That's the only way to solve anything. If I could take back the words I told Sirius I would. He didn't deserve to hear that nobody loves him. Because that's not true. I do.

I sit down, dipping my quill into the ink shakily. My hand hovers over the parchment, small drips of ink bleeding onto it.

Dear Mum,

I need to tell you before I keep pushing it away and telling myself I'm lying.

I'm gay.

At least I think I am. Maybe I'm bi. But I'm in love with Sirius Black. And I don't care what anybody thinks. Not dad, not Abigail. I just thought you deserved to hear it from me.

Love,

Remus

Folding the edges down, I run my finger along to smooth it flat. The envelope is a soft manilla, stamped with a wax seal and written out to Hope Lupin. James always laughed at my owl's name, but it didn't matter. I stroke Sodapop's fawn brown feathers and hold the letter up to his beak. "Here you go," I say popping open the window. Sodapop takes the letter in his mouth, flapping his wings twice before taking off into the sunset. The light darkens considerably by the second, but pastels of pink, orange, and yellow are still painted across the sky. Being myself is the best I can possibly do, said mum. I blow a kiss out the window at the fading sun, knowing she'll be watching the same sunset.