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72. Last First Kiss

Here's the second part of the weekend update!! :)

----****----

We got up late on Sunday and went to see Nick Grimshaw in the afternoon. We had a few drinks with him at his place, and then Harry stayed over at my flat again. Neither of us felt like getting dressed up and going out; we just wanted to enjoy some time chilling out just the two of us, as Harry would be away from Wednesday until the following weekend.

Harry caught up with his friends during the day while I was at work, and we spent every night together at my flat, talking about anything and everything, kissing, cuddling and making love.

The band were due to fly to Vienna on Wednesday, so Harry gave me a lift into work in the morning as usual on his way back home .

"Have you had any more thoughts about going public?" he asked as we got into his Range Rover.

"I've been meaning to ask you the same thing," I replied. "I've just been happily ensconced in our little bubble, so I haven't really given it much thought."

"Do you still want to?" he asked.

"Of course," I said. "I think most people have worked it out anyway so I feel like it won't be as much of a shock to the world. I've been pictured with you on so many occasions now."

"Maybe when I'm next home I could take you out somewhere for dinner?"

"Sounds great." I couldn't hide my smile as I looked away out of the window. "I'm so looking forward to not having to hide it."

"Me too, baby," he said softly. "I can't wait to kiss you in public and not care if someone sees. Which reminds me.... you haven't kissed me yet this morning."

"Actually, you haven't kissed me," I said loftily.

"How about we kiss each other then?" he suggested as we pulled up at the traffic lights outside my office.

"Deal," I said, leaning across to kiss him.

As our lips touched I felt the usual fireworks explode, and I wondered just how long this excitement would last. Every kiss felt like our first kiss - surely I wouldn't still have these feelings if we were still together in our nineties?

Of course you will, it's Harry Styles, I answered myself, at the same time I also thought, We won't be together then - this will never last.

I felt a jolt of unhappiness at the latter of the two thoughts, which had felt more like a sudden realisation. I needed to stop waiting for all this to come crashing down, and learn just to live in the moment. The guy was in love with me, for heaven's sake. I needed to get over myself.

"I love you so much," he said softly as he pulled away. "I hope you know that."

"Yeah, I do," I smiled. "I love you more, though."

"I really, really don't think you do," he said shyly.

"I've got an extra two years on you," I teased.

"That doesn't count," he said, shaking his head.

"It does in my head," I told him. "Hey, did you sort things out with Louis?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "It's all good."

"You don't sound convinced?"

He rubbed his face with his hand. "There's some stuff I need to tell you, but it will take a while and you'll want to know the ins and outs, so to speak, so right now is not the time."

"Sounds ominous," I said, uncertainly.

"It's some serious stuff," he nodded. "But nothing for you to worry about, I promise."

"OK," I said. "You can talk to me, if you want."

"I know. I will," he said. "I'll explain everything when I'm back."

The lights began to flash up ahead, and I grabbed my bag strap.

"OK, Squidge," I said. "Are you going straight to New York after the show tonight?"

"Yeah," he said.

"Have safe flights, then. And have a great time in New York. Say hi to Jeff from me."

"I will," he said and he stroked my face and kissed me for the last time. "I love you."

"Love you too," I said, opening the car door. "Bye."

I jumped out onto the pavement and shut the door, and watched Harry pull slowly away in the line of traffic.

He had seemed sad when I brought up Louis, and I tried to imagine what could possibly be so big that he couldn't have told me there and then. It was hard not to panic that the band was splitting up or something, but I was fairly confident Harry wouldn't have kept something as huge as that to himself, especially as he'd confided that particular worry to me already. He had seemed not quite himself though... or was that me seeing things that weren't there because I was worrying?

I became aware I was standing in the middle of the pavement, staring into space with no purpose, and with a shake of my head I turned and walked up the steps into work.

~~~~~

Harry texted to say they had landed in Vienna, and sent me a selfie on their private jet, and as I was climbing into bed that night he called me to say the show had been fantastic and he was on his way back to the airport to fly to New York. I got another text when I woke up to say he had arrived safely and was heading to his hotel to get some sleep, as it was still the middle of the night over there due to the time difference.

I texted him on my lunch, but he must have still been asleep as I didn't get a response until I checked my phone at 5pm. It simply said he was going out for lunch with Jeff and he would call me later. I got home and had dinner, then lounged on the sofa, watching TV. I wasn't exactly waiting for Harry to call, but I was waiting for Harry to call.

It was 10.17pm (not that I was staring at the clock or anything) before my phone lit up and I saw his name on the screen. I left it a couple of rings, so I wouldn't look too eager, and then answered it.

"Hey Squidge."

"Hey baby." He sounded off.

"You ok?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said in a weird tone. "Are you?"

"Yeah, I'm ok," I said. "I can tell you're not, though. What's up?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," he said.

"You're not," I challenged him. "I can hear it in your voice. "You sound.... stressed. And a bit... sad."

There was a pause. "How do you always know?" he asked.

"Because I love you," I said. "And I know you. So come on, what's happened?"

He sighed. "I don't want to talk about it over the phone."

"OK," I said. "But are you alright? I mean, really?"

"Yeah," he said softly. "Today's just been... draining, I guess. For a couple of different reasons."

"You sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"I do, but not while I'm thousands of miles away from you. I might need a cuddle when I'm back home, though."

"Oh, Harry," I said softly. "I wish I was there."

"I wish you were too," he said. "I'm just going to go out with Jeff and get drunk and silly."

I smiled. "Sounds like a good plan."

"Yeah." He breathed out heavily. "Anyway, how was your day?"

"Fine," I said. "Boring, uneventful. I'm going out for a few drinks after work tomorrow."

"Will Gary be going?" Harry asked casually.

"Yeah," I said. "Along with about ten others."

"OK," he said, in a tone that told me it wasn't really OK but he wasn't going to complain.

"I love you," I said.

"I know. I love you too. Sorry for being a pain," he muttered.

"You're not a pain," I said.

"I gotta go," he sighed. "I'm just arriving back at the hotel."

"Have a great evening," I said. "Don't get too drunk."

"I will," he teased, and I giggled. "I'll try not to drunk dial you."

"I don't mind if you do."

We said our goodbyes and I hung up, and then got into bed.

I was awakened by my phone ringing at 6am, and as soon as I saw Harry's name on the screen I knew how this would play out.

"Hi," I said sleepily.

"Jessieeeeee!" Harry shouted down the phone, and I could hear loud music in the background.

"Are you having a good time?" I asked, rolling over and hugging the duvet.

"Yes," Harry said seriously."Much better now. Thank you for asking."

I giggled. "Harry, how drunk are you?"

"Rather quite very," he said, regretfully. "But I can walk in a straight line, so it's all good."

I heard a loud laugh that sounded like Jeff's, and then, "You can't walk in a straight line, H."

"Have you got security with you?" I asked.

"Yeah, there are loads of us."

"OK good," I said, relieved. I didn't like the idea of drunk Harry getting mobbed.

"I don't think jet lag and alcohol should be mixed," Harry slurred.

"No, probably not," I agreed.

"I love you so much," he declared.

"I love you too."

"No, but I reeaallly love you," he insisted. "I need to talk to you when I'm back."

"OK," I said. "I can't wait to see you."

"I told Nadine... I told her about us."

My stomach dropped. "Nadine?" I asked timidly.

"Yeah, I told her. I told her I love you."

"OK," I said, my heart pounding. "When - when did you tell her that?"

"Just before," Harry explained. "She turned up again with some friends. I think it was on purpose after earlier."

I felt sick - he wasn't making any sense.

"What do you mean? Is she with you tonight?" I asked.

"Sort of," Harry said. "She came to the same bar. I'd told her we were coming here."

"When did you tell her?"

"When I saw her earlier."

"You saw her earlier?" I asked casually.

"Yeah she wanted to talk."

"Did you... had you planned to meet up with her in New York?" I asked? I closed my eyes, afraid of the answer.

"Um, yeah."

"OK," I said, trying hard not to let my voice betray me. "OK."

"Is it OK?"

"Well, yeah, of course. I know you stay friends with your exes. I just sort of wish you'd told me you'd made plans with her before you left. I would have been fine with it."

"Don't start giving me hassle," he groaned.

"Wha... Harry I'm not," I protested. "I'm fine with it, really. I'm not the clingy type, you know that."

"So what's with all the questions?"

"What questions?" I asked, feeling hurt.

"You - interrogating me about Nadine. I don't need that."

I felt sick at the way he was speaking to me. "I'm not, Harry," I said softly. "I was just asking how it all came about because I didn't know you'd planned to meet up with her, that's all. But I'm fine with it, honestly."

This was a lie - I wasn't fine with him hiding it from me, but the last thing I wanted to do was argue about it while he was drunk in a bar with his ex, three thousand miles away.

"I don't have to tell you everything," he snapped.

"I didn't say you did," I said, gritting my teeth. I was really trying not to lose my temper. "I don't want to argue, Squidge."

There was a pause, and a sigh. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

I let out the large breath I hadn't realised I was holding. "It's OK."

"I'm really drunk. I should probably go back to the hotel."

"One more drink!" Jeff's voice shouted in the background.

"One more!" Harry shouted back cheerfully. "I gotta go, baby," he said to me.

"OK," I said nervously. "Have fun. And just be careful."

"I will. I love you, Jess."

"I love you too," I replied. "Call me tomorrow when you wake up."

"OK. Bye, baby."

I ended the call and lay awake, thinking. I didn't want to be a paranoid girlfriend, but I just had an uneasy feeling that nothing good could come from Harry hanging out drunk with Nadine. I really wished we'd had the conversation about exes, so I would be able to understand why it had ended. And I wished he had told me he would be meeting up with her in New York. Somehow if he'd been honest with me about it, I wouldn't be at all bothered.

He didn't lie to you, my subconscious whispered. He just didn't mention it.

Wasn't I supposed to be trusting him? He'd just told me he loved me, for heaven's sake. And he'd said he would tell me everything when he was back. And he hadn't made a fuss about me going for a drink with Gary and the others after work.

I rubbed my face and rolled over, trying to catch a few minutes' sleep before my alarm went off, but it was no use. I was wide awake and obsessing over Harry and Nadine. I lay there stressing myself out until my alarm went off, and I ended up getting into work just before 8am and throwing myself into my reports to occupy my mind.

I stared at my phone all morning, waiting for Harry to text me, but there was nothing. This in itself didn't concern me as I knew how drunk he'd been and guessed he was probably sleeping it off. I didn't know what time he was due to fly to Brussels for the next concert but I knew he was on a fairly tight schedule. I still found it odd that he had flown all the way to New York for one night out.

My heart lurched as I put two and two together. Had he gone over there just to meet Nadine? Was she the one calling him at 2am?

I quickly pushed these thoughts away. I needed to speak to Harry before my imagination got me into trouble. I trusted him. I did. He wouldn't cheat on me with his ex. I knew that, deep down.

At 5pm a few of us walked up the road to Sync. Sarah, Nicki and I bought a bottle of Prosecco between us and sat outside in the evening sunshine. I hadn't shared my insecurities with them - I knew talking about it would make my imagination run wild again and I was trying desperately hard not to think about it all. We were just discussing going for some tapas, when my phone lit up with a call from Callie.

"Hey girl," I answered.

"Jess? Have you spoken to Harry?"

"Not since 6 this morning," I replied. "Why?"

There was an awkward pause. "Have you seen Twitter?" she asked tentatively.

My heart gave a nervous lurch. "No, why?"

There was another short silence. "Oh, God. There are pictures, Jess. Of Harry, and some girl. A Victoria's Secret model. Outside a bar, and -"

"It's fine," I interrupted. "It's his ex Nadine Leopold. I know he was with her last night, he told me."

"No... Jess it isn't Nadine," Callie said, her voice shaking. "It's a dark haired girl called Sara Sampaio. There's an article on the Daily Mail. Apparently she was with him last night, and... and she was pictured leaving his hotel earlier, about 15 minutes before Harry."

"OK," I said, feeling the colour draining from my face. "OK, just because she stayed in the same hotel doesn't mean anything happened. It doesn't even mean she stayed with Harry. It's a big hotel."

"Jess - "

"I trust him, Callie. I know how the media twist everything. I've been on the receiving end of it too, remember?"

"Where are you now?" she asked.

"I'm in Sync with some work friends."

"I think you should call Harry."

"I'm not going to call Harry. I'm not going to believe this shit story. We've been through so much, I know he wouldn't be unfaithful."

This was the first test. I knew it. I needed to show Harry I'd meant what I said about being strong enough to cope with the shit the media always printed about him. I wasn't about to go jumping to conclusions. And I certainly wasn't going to accuse him of anything. So what if this girl had stayed in the same hotel as him? Last time I checked that wasn't a crime.

I was proud of myself for thinking so rationally. See, Karen? I thought in my head. I told you I was ready to be Harry's girlfriend.

"Are you coming for tapas?" Sarah called across the table.

As much as I wanted to go with them, I couldn't deny I wanted nothing more than to speak to Harry about this girl, and I knew I wouldn't be able to do that properly if I was out with my friends when he finally called.

"No, I'm gonna head home," I called back, standing up.

"Jess?" Callie said in my ear. "I'm coming over OK? I'll see you at your place in a bit."

"There's really no need," I started to protest, but she had already hung up.

I said goodbye to the others, walked quickly to the tube and got the next train back to Belsize Park. I let myself into my flat and opened up the Daily Mail app. The Showbiz top story headline made me feel sick.

PICTURED: Harry Styles gets up close and personal with Victoria's Secret Angel Sara Sampaio... before she leaves his New York hotel the next morning in same outfit

I looked at the pictures - Harry was giving her a kiss on the cheek and had his arm around her in a hug, and she was indeed wearing the same outfit the following morning.

She could have stayed with anyone, I thought to myself. She could even have hooked up with one of Harry's friends.

I was determined not to think the worst of Harry. He had given me no reason whatsoever to doubt him.

I was like a cat on hot bricks waiting for him to call. I was certain he would know about the article - and surely he would know that I would have seen it too. But I didn't want to be the one to call him and question him on it. I wanted him to know I trusted him.

My phone finally rang at 7.30pm. I took a deep breath and accepted the call.

"Hi," I said, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Jess? It's me." Oh God, he sounded weird. Nervous. Or was I just paranoid?

"Yeah I know," I laughed, nervous too. "How are you?"

"Um, OK. Well... no actually. Not really OK."

There was a silence.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Have... have you been on Twitter?"

"Not personally," I said carefully. "But I saw the article on the Daily Mail."

"Jess..."

"It's fine," I said breezily. "I trust you, Harry. I'm all good."

"Baby," he began, and his voice broke. "I... I'm so sorry."

"Why?" I laughed. "It's a load of bullshit, isn't it? It's not the first and it won't be the last."

There was a silence on the other end of the phone. I swallowed hard.

"Harry?" I said softly. "It's not true, is it?"

There was another silence, followed by a muffled sob.

"I'm so sorry, baby," he said again.

The room started to spin. I sat down on the sofa.

"What do you mean... what are you trying to say?" I asked hoarsely.

"I...," he began, and gave another sob.

"Oh my God," I whispered softly. "Harry... please tell me this isn't true."

Tears were welling up in my eyes, and I heard Harry take a sharp intake of breath.

"Harry," I pleaded, my voice breaking. "Please..."

He gave a sniff but said nothing.

"Did you have sex with that model?" I choked out.

I knew what the answer would be even before it left his mouth, but I wasn't prepared for it. Nothing could have prepared me for it.

"Yes."

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