June 2015

Harry could definitely tell something was up the following morning as he drove me to work, but hopefully he put it down to women's problems. I avoided any serious conversation and almost fell over my own feet in my haste to get out of the car. I caught a glimpse of what looked like hurt on his face as I shut the door, but I put my head down and scurried up the steps to the door of my office building before he could shout me back.

"What's up?" Sarah asked as I walked past her desk and sat down in my chair. "And don't say nothing, because it's written all over your face."

"I'm just an idiot," I sighed. "But on the plus side, we have backstage passes and front row for VIP for Friday."

Sarah's mouth dropped open. "OK... I kind of want to scream but I don't know if I heard you right?" she said doubtfully. "You look like someone died."

"It's... complicated," I said awkwardly. "But yes, you heard me right."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"No," I said immediately.

"Does this mean I can scream now?"

I half smiled. "I'm surprised it's taken you this long."

Sarah squeezed her eyes shut, stamped her feet and screamed, waving her fists excitedly. "Oh my God, I'm going to meet Louis!" she squealed. "We're going to fall in love, I can just feel it. He's going to whisk me off into the sunset on his private jet... we're going to party in all the trendy LA bars... hey we could have a double wedding with you and Harry!"

I snorted. "Not happening."

Sarah rolled her eyes theatrically. "Come on, what's happened now? I'll get it out of you eventually."

But I just shook my head. I couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud that I'd been repeating in my head since he'd said them to me yesterday. Nothing's changed.

I spoke to Harry after I finished work, but he had planned to go out with Grimmy that night so I was glad of some time to myself. I brushed him off when he suggested spending Tuesday evening together with the excuse that I hadn't seen Callie properly for ages, and by the time Wednesday rolled around I was feeling less emotional about his comment, and more resigned to the fact I should have known an international superstar would never fall in love with someone as ordinary as me.

I had almost forgotten I was due to meet up with Gemma until she texted me on Wednesday morning to check we were still on.

I left my office at 12 and walked up the road to a little restaurant called Cafe Cafe, and immediately caught sight of Gemma sitting in a corner. I weaved through the tables and she smiled at me as I approached her.

"I've already ordered some cocktails," she said as I sat down.

"Christ," I grinned. "Don't be sending me back to work pissed, I'll get the sack!"

She grinned back. "I'm more worried what Harry would say if he thought I was getting you drunk without him being here."

"He'd get over it," I said, unable to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

"Wasn't he twitchy about you meeting me?" Gemma asked.

"Um, I didn't tell him," I said, realising as I said it how odd it sounded.

"Oh," she blinked. "I wondered why he hadn't been pestering me not to embarrass him."

"I haven't seen him since Monday morning," I confessed.

"Oh..." Gemma said again, softly, clearly picking up on my discomfort.

The knowledge that the tour started again on Friday wasn't lost of either of us, and sort of hung in the air, unspoken.

"It's fine," I said hastily, not wanting her to feel awkward. "We're fine."

"Try telling your face that," she remarked.

The waitress came over and took our orders, and after she'd gone Gemma leaned forward towards me.

"I'm not getting involved, but he's nuts about you and if he hasn't told you it's because he's scared," she said quickly.

I stared at her. "What...?" I began.

"Look, it's not my place to say. I don't interfere in his love life."

"I don't understand," I confessed. I was totally confused.

"Have you ever talked about exes and stuff?" she asked.

"No, it's never really come up," I said. "We sort of touched on it a couple of weeks ago, but we never had the conversation properly."

I didn't want to go into details about how much I knew about Taylor Swift, especially as that whole situation was still a bit raw for me, and I also wasn't sure what Gemma knew.

"Well maybe you should," she said, running her finger around the rim of her cocktail glass. "It might make things a bit clearer."

"OK," I said uncertainly. "Thanks for the heads up."

"Sorry it's cryptic," she said. "I just want the two of you to have your happy ending."

I wasn't sure what any of this meant, but in a round about way it made me feel slightly better about Harry's comment on Sunday night. I knew how close he was with Gemma, and if she thought he was 'nuts about me' then surely there must be some truth in it. And he had made some pretty grand gestures for me; the public denial and trip to my parents' house immediately sprang to mind.

But I still couldn't push away the memory of his revelation that he could have any girl he wanted for a quick fuck, or the fact that he'd said nothing had changed for him since the night he first brought me back to his house. It was very confusing.

Gemma and I chatted about non-Harry-related stuff for the majority of the next hour, and discovered we had a lot of things in common - our love of Friends to name one. By the time we said our goodbyes I was feeling much brighter about life in general, and promised her we would meet up again in a couple of weeks.

I checked my phone when I got back to the office to see I had a message from Harry.

From: Harry Styles: Hey baby. How's your day? I miss you xxx

My heart lurched and I suddenly had the urge to throw my arms around him and squeeze him.

To: Harry Styles: Hey Squidge. Were your ears burning? I just met Gemma for lunch. Miss you too xxx

My phone immediately lit up with a call from Harry and I nervously checked the clock. I had about 2 minutes left of my lunch break.

"Hi Squidge," I answered.

There was a pause. "We need to talk about you calling me that," he said.

"Do we need to talk about how much you love it?" I teased.

"No, that is definitely not what I had in mind," he replied.

"See, I know you're lying," I said. "You grin every time I say it. And I know for a fact you're grinning right now."

There was another pause. "Am not."

"Harry, I can hear it in your voice," I said, rolling my eyes.

"I'm grinning because I'm talking to my super sexy girlfriend," he said.

"Flattery will get you everywhere," I stated.

"So what's Gemma been saying?" he asked.

"I'm going to stop you right there because I am not revealing anything," I said. "We don't talk about you, so don't get excited." It was only a small lie.

He sighed. "Well you seem happier so I guess that's something."

My stomach flipped over. "I'm fine," I lied.

"Sure," he said, and I knew he was rolling his eyes now. "Anyway, I was going to call you anyway to see what your plans were for Friday."

"I don't have any plans for Friday," I teased.

There was silence.

"Um, have you forgotten about the concert?" he asked.

"What concert?"

"I know you're taking the piss out of me," he said, and I started to laugh.

"OK, OK, sorry," I giggled. "I'm driving us there and back. We were planning on getting there at the crack of dawn to get in the queue but some guy I know offered me front row tickets so I'm guessing we can get there a bit later now."

"Some guy, huh?" he repeated. "Who's that then?"

"Oh I dunno," I said breezily. "Apparently he knows the band or something? He was a bit of a loser to be honest. I wasn't really listening."

"Ouch. Right through the heart," he muttered.

"I'm joking!" I laughed.

"Well I was going to tell you you can all stay in our hotel with us," he said huffily. "But I'm guessing you don't want to."

"Oh stop huffing," I teased. "Of course I want to."

"Only because you think you might get to hang out with Louis," he grumbled.

"CAN WE HANG OUT WITH LOUIS?!" I squealed.

"Ugh, I'm hanging up if you're going to be like this," he muttered.

"Oh babe, I'm just winding you up," I laughed again. "You're an easy target."

"Good job I'm wrapped round your little finger," he sighed.

"Yeah yeah," I said, but inside my heart was pounding again, and suddenly the comments that had upset me seemed small and insignificant. "Louis never replied to my DM, anyway," I said. "I think he's gone off me."

This comment annoyed Harry even more, which in turn made me laugh even more, and I ended up reassuring him I was indeed a Harry girl, and Louis was definitely only my second favourite, after him.

I was beginning to get dangerously excited for the concert now, especially as I had sort of begun to make peace with myself over Harry's remarks, and resolved to have the discussion about exes with him as soon as the opportunity came up.

By the time Friday dawned I was literally jumping up and down with excitement. I had booked the day off work, and Maddie had got the train down to London with her friend Phoebe on Thursday night and stayed at my flat, so we spent the morning watching One Direction videos on YouTube, before getting in my car, picking up Sarah and heading out of London on the M4 in the direction of Cardiff.

I still hadn't seen Harry since Monday morning, due to his rehearsals for the tour, and was missing him like crazy. I was trying to prepare myself for seeing him in full on Harry Styles mode, as I was afraid I would pass out or something if he caught my eye. Of course, now that we had front row tickets the chances of eye contact were much higher, as was the possibility of eye contact during the concert with the rest of the band... DMs with Louis were one thing, but potential eye contact with Louis Tomlinson from One Direction at a One Direction concert was an entirely different kettle of fish. I made a mental note to at least try and have some self control around Louis while Harry was looking.

We arrived in Cardiff around 3pm and left the car in the hotel car park, with all our stuff inside. The band were already at the stadium and I was eager to spend as much time with Harry before the show as possible. We walked down to the stadium and saw there were queues of people already waiting outside. The atmosphere was electric, and for a second I half wished I was in the queue, soaking up the excitement of the fellow Directioners. As we walked around towards our entrance Sarah suddenly stopped and grabbed hold of my arm.

"Jess!" she squealed. "Listen - they're doing soundcheck! That's Clouds they're playing!"

We all stopped dead on the pavement and listened, and then the four of us screamed and jumped up and down, causing a group of lads who were walking past us to stare curiously.

By the time we reached our gate we were almost beside ourselves with giddiness. I gave our names to the security guard at the front and showed him my driving licence as ID as Harry had told me, and he let us through the gate where a member of One Direction's staff was waiting.

"This way please, ladies," he said briskly, and walked us around the edge of the stands to a small door surrounded by more security. I recognised Paul and waved.

"Hi Jess," he smiled a he let us through the door. "The boys are just finishing up soundcheck. You can wait for them through there." He pointed along the corridor to a door at the end. "Let me give you your official passes..."

He pulled out some lanyards and handed them to me, Sarah, Maddie and Phoebe, and a tall man with a black fleece and a security radio began walking us down the corridor towards the room where we were to wait.

About thirty feet up ahead on the left, a door opened, and I watched almost in slow motion as Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne and Niall Horan came into view and turned to look at us.

I caught Harry's eye and my breath caught in my throat.

"Jessieeee!" Louis called from behind Harry, and I totally lost my cool.

I squealed loudly and broke free from our group. I ran full pelt along the corridor towards the boys, past Harry and flung my arms around Louis.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Harry throw his hands up to the ceiling and let them fall back at his sides, shaking his head in disbelief, and I heard Niall's Irish-sounding gleeful laugh. Louis hugged me back and said in my ear, "I always knew I was secretly your favourite."

I laughed and broke away from Louis as he grinned at me, and then I flung my arms around Harry.

"Oh, you've noticed I'm here then," he grumbled as he squeezed me tightly and I breathed in his scent.

"I only really have eyes for you, you know that," I murmured as I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him on the lips.

"Get a fucking room," Louis chided, and behind my back Harry raised his arm, presumably giving Louis the finger as he kissed me back.

"I've missed you so much," he whispered.

"I missed you too," I murmured, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face in his shoulder.

Sarah, Maddie and Phoebe arrived behind us as I stepped away from Harry, and they greeted the boys one by one. I said hi to Liam and got a kiss on the cheek and a hug, and Harry introduced me to Niall, who gave me the same.

We walked through into a backstage room with a couple of sofas, a TV and some drinks and snacks laid out on a table.

"Hey Maddie," Harry called, and she looked up at him. "Niall's got something to say to you."

I looked over at Niall, confused, and Maddie looked ready to die on the spot.

"Oh yeah," Niall replied. "Did you know it's me who does the "Ow!"s in our song Heart Attack?"

There was a confused silence before Maddie answered faintly, "Uh, yeah, I did," and Harry guffawed loudly. Niall chuckled, put his arm around Maddie and gave her a squeeze, and I turned to Harry.

"How on earth did you remember that?" I asked incredulously.

"You'd be surprised at the little things I remember," he said mysteriously, and exchanged a smirk with Louis.

We spent an hour hanging out with the boys before security came to collect us and escorted us to the very front of the stadium, on the right hand side in front of the stage. I was now beside myself with excitement, and by the time McBusted, the support act, had finished their set I was jumping up and down, being extremely uncool.

It seemed like years, but in reality it probably wasn't more than about half an hour before the lights in the stadium suddenly went out and 70,000 fans began screaming like they were being murdered - me included.

The opening notes of Clouds began to play, and as Harry walked across the front of the stage his eyes swept the crowd, and his gaze met mine. He smirked, and I felt Sarah squeeze my shoulders and heard her scream even louder in my ear.

The smirk stayed on his face all the way across the stage. He took his position behind his mic stand and ran his hand through his hair and flicked it back, grinning. They sang a couple of songs, and then headed up the walkway to the mini-stage.

I literally couldn't take my eyes off Harry. I mean, this was normal behaviour for me everytime I was watching One Direction, but it was somehow intensified. I was watching him jump around on stage, singing and throwing water at the screaming fans, and the whole time I was thinking, He's mine. I know what his kisses feel like. I know what it feels like to have his arms around me and to feel his heart beating against mine.

I've seen his bedroom at his mum's house in Holmes Chapel. He's shared his fears with me about the band splitting up. He's let me drive his Audi. I've got his Green Bay Packers hoodie. He calls me baby, and I call him Squidge.

I honestly felt like the happiest and luckiest person in the whole world.

The boys walked back down the walkway after singing Kiss You, and as Louis came to the edge of the main stage and knelt to grab a bottle of water he looked up and caught my eye, grinned and gave me a thumbs up. Behind me, several hundred fans roared, and I gave him a thumbs up back and he winked before skipping off across the stage to throw the remainder of his water over Liam.

We had an amazing view of Niall's crotch-grab during Better Than Words, and I saw Harry dart a glance over in my direction right as I was going crazy over Niall's pure sex appeal, and saw him briefly shake his head at me in mock disappointment. I blew him a kiss and he pretended to catch it, and winked. It was the most amazing moment of my life.

When they all came to sit down on the walkway and began to sing Little Things I put the torchlight on my phone and held it up and swayed, along with the rest of the stadium. I was beside myself waiting for Harry's solo, and felt my knees go weak when I heard his husky voice come in on the second half of the second verse. Across the crowd I could see Louis looking over towards us, but it may just have been a coincidence, as there were 69,999 other fans in stadium apart from me. He leaned over and whispered something mischievously in Niall's ear (who was playing his guitar), and Niall grinned and nodded, before beginning the bridge.

Harry had his back to us so I couldn't see his face, but I could see him periodically flicking his hair and blowing kisses to fans over the other side of the walkway. The instrumental backing fell away and Harry was left to sing his solo again with only Niall accompanying on guitar, and I felt the familiar goosebumps appear as I heard his voice.

"I've just let these little things slip out of my mouth," he sang. "Cos it's you, oh it's you, it's you they add up to. And I'm in love with you..."

"Jess," Louis said down the mic. My stomach lurched.

"And all these little things," Harry sang, without reacting. Sarah practically burst my ear drum with her scream from next to me, and Maddie and Phoebe turned around and screamed in my face.

"Did you hear that? Did you hear?" Maddie screamed. "He just said your name!"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, Louis did," I said, trying to control my hysteria after hearing Louis Tomlinson say my name onstage at a One Direction concert. "He also did the same thing about Taylor Swift when Harry was dating her."

They finished Little Things, sang Night Changes, and moved back to the mini stage to sing Alive, Diana and One Thing (the latter two are some of my favourites so I was standing on my tiptoes trying to get a good of view of this.)

By the time they came back to the main stage my heart had finally stopped pounding, but I got a wave off Liam as they started What Makes You Beautiful which sent it rocketing into the stratosphere again.

"I wonder if Liam will try and pull Harry's pants again down during his solo," Sarah shouted in my ear. "We're got a cracking view if he does."

"Sarah!" I scolded, laughing, privately hoping for Harry's sake that he remembered to hold onto his jeans.

"It's alright for you, you've seen it all before!" she giggled. "Spare a thought for the rest of us."

I was nervous for him as the song slowed down and they all shuffled together in a little group in the centre of the stage as they sang the 'Na Na Na' bit. I sent a silent message in my head to Harry - don't forget to hold your pants, Squidge.

Harry was at the front of their huddle, and I saw him look round at Liam, who nodded, and he began to shuffle towards our side of the stage, the rest of the boys following. This was unusual, as I knew from my experience of watching thousands of YouTube videos of live versions of this song that they always came together in a huddle and performed Harry's solo in the middle of the stage. I could see Harry looking straight at me as he came closer, the boys behind him. My heart started thudding and my breath caught in my throat as I began to realise - hope? - what he was about to do.

He dropped to his knees on the very edge of the stage right in front of us, literally six feet from where we were standing, held his hand out towards me and looked directly into my eyes as he began to sing his solo.

My entire body flushed, and I thought my heart was going to explode, it was pounding so hard. This was literally my dream come true. Maddie had told him about it when we facetimed her while I was in LA, and now he was making it happen. I couldn't believe it.

His words and his smirk came back to me from earlier - "You'd be surprised at the little things I remember."

All around me the fans were going mental, but I couldn't take my eyes off Harry. There was no smirk, no grin on his face now; his expression was completely sincere as he sang the words to me on his knees in front of 70,000 people.

"Baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, but when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell...."

Embarrassingly, I could feel the beginning of a lump forming in my throat at this amazing gesture. The screams faded into the background; it was just him singing on an empty stage to me in a deserted stadium.

"You don't know oh-oh, you don't know you're beautiful!" they all sang, before Harry got back to his feet again and threw me a smile loaded with love and emotion that even I couldn't fail to understand. All around me the stadium erupted.

He's in love with you! my subconscious squealed, although I could barely hear it over the deafening screams from my fellow Directioners.

"Oh my God Jess!" Maddie was screaming. Sarah was shaking my shoulders and jumping up and down, but all I could do was stand there grinning stupidly at the realisation that finally Harry Styles may just be in love with me.

He was over at the other side of the stage by this point while they all sang the final chorus, and as the song came to a close, Harry walked back towards us again (my poor heart was just about giving up.)

Instead of singing his final line, he spoke the words directly to me - "That's what makes you beautiful" - and winked.

My knees actually wobbled and Maddie screamed again and pointed to the huge screens behind the stage, which now showed my face. Harry turned and looked too, and then the trademark smirk was back. The camera flicked to his face as he flipped his hair back and walked to the back of the stage to pick up a bottle of water while Liam talked to the crowd. He took a few sips of water and then came over to us again and sprinkled the remaining contents all over the front row, soaking us, while chewing his gum and grinning. I shook my head at him and he winked again. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Harry was over the other side of the stage for the next couple of songs but came back over to our side again for Story Of My Life, along with Louis, and kept grinning at me which was sending the fans wild. It was when I heard the opening guitar riff of Little White Lies that I felt my knees wobble again, and I actually felt dizzy when I heard Louis' voice announce, "This song is an aphrodisiac, apparently," to which Harry replied, "True story."

"What does that mean?!" Sarah demanded, but I just shook my head, my face on fire and my insides dancing. I watched as Harry grabbed his crotch and snuck a glance in my direction, before he walked up to the mini stage again to perform the rest of the song with the others.

By the time they'd played Best Song Ever, thanked the crowd and disappeared backstage I was drunk on life. The lights came on and I grabbed Sarah and Maddie, who in turn grabbed Phoebe, and started to push my way towards the exit, ignoring the shouted questions from the fans who had been standing close to us and wanted to know how I seemed to know Harry. Although he'd all but announced our relationship to the world, I didn't know what I was supposed to say about it if asked, so I just kept my head down and fought my way through the crowd and over to a member of the security team.

I showed him our passes and explained we had been promised a car back to the hotel, and we were quickly escorted through a door backstage and into the loading area. Paul was waiting for us and explained Harry and the others had already gone, as I expected, and he would be driving us the short distance to the hotel to join them.

"You don't have to stay in our room tonight," Sarah said as we climbed into the metallic grey people carrier assigned to us. "You should be with Harry."

"No it's fine, I'll stay with you," I assured her, but Maddie looked at me with one eyebrow raised and a scornful look on her face.

"If you don't go and have sex with Harry Styles tonight after what he's just done on that stage we are officially no longer sisters."

"Amen to that," Sarah nodded as I squealed in shock at Maddie's words.

"I'm 15, not a kid," she said, rolling her eyes in a way that reminded me of me.

"Yes but... but...," I began, and then trailed off and muttered, "Don't tell Mum and Dad."

"As if," she snorted. "You have access to One Direction. I need to keep you on side."

I opened my mouth in mock outrage but she just grinned at me and exchanged looks with Phoebe.

The others squealed and relived the best concert moments while we crawled along through the event traffic back to the hotel, and I stared out of the darkened windows, deep in thought.

I couldn't believe what Harry had done tonight. I was amazed and touched that he had remembered my dream, that he had understood how much it would mean to me for him to realise it, and that he wasn't bothered about making such a bold move in front of 70,000 One Direction fans. And the look he had given me as he stood up again...

We pulled into the hotel car park and Paul drove over to my car so we could grab our bags out of the boot. He parked by the entrance and escorted us inside to reception. He had a quick conversation with the lady behind the desk, and then ushered us towards the lift.

"We're on the 5th floor," he said. "The entire floor is booked out for the band, and there is security at every access point to stop the fans getting in."

"Do they know it's this hotel?" Maddie asked.

"They'll find out," Paul said. "They always do."

He escorted us out of the lift when we reached our floor, and as we turned into the corridor I saw Harry, Louis and Niall standing up ahead outside one of the rooms. I lost my cool again, slung my bag over my shoulder and raced down the hall towards them, but this time it was Harry's arms I ran into.

"Why it is never me?" I heard Niall joke, as Harry squeezed me tightly and lifted me off the ground.

"That was amazing," I whispered into his neck as a wave of emotion swept over me and I felt tears burning the backs of my eyes. "I can't believe you did that."

"I'd do anything for you," he whispered back, and that made the tears spill down my cheeks.

"The boy did good," Louis remarked next to us.

"Yeah, he did," I Iaughed, lifting my head and kissing Harry.

Behind me Sarah, Maddie and Phoebe were being shown into a room by Paul. "See you later Jess," Sarah said, and Maddie and Phoebe waved as they disappeared inside and shut the door. Niall and Louis walked off down the corridor and Harry looked at me.

"Are you staying in my room with me?" he asked hopefully.

"If that's ok with you," I said.

"Course it is," he smiled. He took my bag from me and turned and walked into the room behind him, pulling me with him.

"Wow," I said, as he closed the door behind us and I surveyed the room. It was huge. There was a massive bed, an enormous flat screen TV mounted on the wall, and I could see through into a lavish bathroom with a marble counter, walk in shower and jacuzzi bath.

Harry put my bag down by the bed and I slipped my jacket off and draped it over a chair. I felt suddenly shy.

"Harry... what you did tonight...," I began, twisting my fingers together nervously. "It was... I mean no one's ever done anything like that for me before..."

He came and stood in front of me and I stared at the ground shyly. My heart was starting to pound.

"You have no idea what that meant to me," I said, without looking up. "It's.. you're.."

"Shh," he said, tilting my head up with his finger. "I know."

"No, you don't," I said.

I didn't care if he wasn't going to say it back. I needed to tell him I loved him. He needed to know.

"I do, Jess," he whispered.

"Harry," I began, but he pressed his lips onto mine before I could say another word.