Set after S15

TW: Depression, disappearance, mourning.

After Nya leaves, Jay visits the docks every morning, a part of him still hoping to see her there. Kai catches him one day, and talking ensues. 

A/N: angst.

• • •

The first time he visits the docks, it's the middle of the night. The day's events are still etched in his brain, every second clear as glass. No matter what he does, his mind keeps going back to the the of Nya and that she was never coming back again— and Jay thinks if he spends another moment in his room, he'll explode. 

Every part of the monastery reminds him of the water ninja- the blue duvet that covers his bed,  puddles outside on the ground, her door decorated with her name, the curling handwriting written across the wood. 

Their picture hanging on the wall, which Jay finds himself unable to take his eyes off. Biting his lip, he stalks over to the photograph, snatching it off the wall. Her face smiles at him softly through the frame, and for a second he wants to smash it against the ground just to never feel that sharp stab of remembering that she isn't coming back ever again.

He tastes the metallic tang of blood, and walks out the monastery, still holding the picture. 

His feet lead him across the streets of Ninjago, and he doesn't know exactly where he's going, eyes tracing the paths he knows he's walked across with Nya before. 

Jay ends up at the docks. Boats float on the water lazily, anchors holding them down in the water. Fishing poles lay abandoned, chairs overturned. He finds the end of a walkway, sitting down with his legs hanging over the wooden planks. He looks at the picture again, and sets it down next to him. 

The lighting ninja surveys the view in front of him, orange tint highlighting over the seas. The sun is just about to peek out of the horizon, but the moon is still hanging over the sky, white outline fading away in the fire of the star. It reminds him of the glistening water that drowned the city just a few hours ago, that covered the top of buildings. 

The light spills over the skyline, and illuminates the ocean, sharp deep blue shining out. 

And the water is exactly the shade of her eyes. Jay picks up the picture, throwing it in the sea. There is a small splash as it sinks into the deep cobalt color, and dark resentment fills him. 

Why would she leave? They would've figured something out, he could've found more solutions, nothing that involved Nya giving up her life for them—

But, there's still hope, right? Nya isn't dead, she's just transformed into — into part of the ocean. And- and the ocean is right at the docks, where he can visit and wait. 

Wait for her return. 

There is no sign of the photograph anymore, and Jay stands up, the pale sunshine reflecting into his eyes. He walks back home, a cold anger settling into the hole in his heart. The few citizens up early eye him as he walks past, but he ignores them, finally making it back to the monastery. 

Jay sees the hallway again, filled with pictures of the ninja and the rest of their family. There's a missing piece in the rows of smiling faces, now. Just like himself, Jay thinks bitterly, and spends the rest of the hours staring at his bedroom ceiling, sleep refusing to take him. 

• • •

The second time Jay visits the sea, he knows exactly where he's going. It's late afternoon, and the sun is about to set before he can catch the last of the light. Before he leaves, he grabs a small stuffed toy off his bed. Maybe another gift into the ocean will remind her. Bring her back to them.

The lighting ninja can't find the same place he sat in last time, but that's fine. He'll find another. He settles against a wall, pulling his knees up to his chest. He's not sleep deprived this time, not faint from exhaustion, and every part of himself can feel the heartache that seems to run through him all the time, now.

He holds the bear close to him as he sits. Nya gave it to him, after winning it at a arcade game they all wasted money on trying to win. Purely because it had their own fan merchandise, ninja themed teddy bears. She was the only one able to get a bear. He still isn't sure if she really tried to win this one for him, but he likes to think so. 

Jay looks at the worn blue cloth one last time, and throws the bear in, tumbling over the edge of the ground. It vanishes beneath the dark water, and he's glad he doesn't have to see the color of her eyes this time. Maybe Nya will be here next time, though.  

And the soft glow of the sun washes away with the waves, leaving the city bathed in bright neon lights through the darkness.   

• • •

The third time, Jay brings a small keychain he made for her. He never got to give it to Nya, but maybe it'll find her in the waves. 

He sits till the sun comes up, and the light is dusting with the waves golden, before dropping it in and leaving.  

He doesn't need to see the shade of the sea this time.

• • •

The fourth, fifth, fourteenth, twentieth times Jay goes to the docks, day after day, he brings something that reminds him of her. No matter how small. Maybe if he keeps doing this, all traces of the water ninja will vanish, like foam in the sea. And maybe, the ache inside him will disappear with the memories.

And finally, the thirty first time he visits the ocean, it is a early spring morning, and Jay brings his Yin piece. 

"It's been a month, Nya." He whispers at the waves, washing at the wooden dock he is sitting on. The same waves that dragged her away, taking a piece of himself with them.  "When will you come back?"

It's the first time he speaks at the piers, actually. His fingers trail over the elaborately carved golden piece, over the cold sharpened edges. 

He's all sharp edges and broken pieces, now. 

 They never wanted to look in Nya's room even after she left, afraid of breaking some unsaid rule, and Jay distantly wonders where she kept it. The curved half moon reflects the faint mellow sunlight already dancing over the ocean, orange rays appearing and disappearing with every second. 

"Jay?" A voice cuts in his dreamy thoughts, and he fumbles the piece in surprise, almost dropping it into the waves. The voice is familiar, Jay realizes, looking up to see the fire ninja staring down at him. He hides the half circle away in his hands, holding it tightly. 

"H-hey." He says, swallowing. "What are you doing here?"

Kai's face scrunches in a emotion Jay can't make out, sitting down next to him. "I'm guessing the same reason you're here," he answers slowly, eyes on the horizon. The hazel brown gaze flickers over to Jay, and he sees that it's filled with tears like his own.

"It's been a long month, huh?" The lighting ninja nods wordlessly, the cold metal still at his fingertips. His long hair brushes his ears, and he reaches up to move it away automatically. The light gleams off the gold, and Kai tilts his head slightly towards the light, enough to tell him that the fire ninja has indeed seen the piece in his hand. 

He hastily shoves it into his pocket, feeling the warm cloth swallow up the engraved metal. 

"How often do you come?" Kai asks quietly, careful gaze not leaving him. 

"Every day." Jay says, not sure why he's telling the truth now. He's lying everyday when he wakes up and says that everything is fine, and he's lying when he pretends that he's not missing half of himself and that he doesn't lose more and more of his soul every day, so why start now?

"Why'd you bring your Yin piece?" comes the next question, the one Jay is afraid of.

"I—" His voice cracks, and there's a lump in his throat, but he doesn't want to cry in front of Kai. "Every time I come, I bring something. To put in. F-for her." He says, making it sound like he doesn't end up hurling whatever he brings into the waves, angry at her for leaving, or himself for not being faster, stronger, for not being able to convince her to stay. 

"That's nice." Kai says, tone a fake lightness. "I think she'd want you to keep that, though." 

"Would she?" Jay asks, and he realizes he's forgetting more and more of Nya every day, and he doesn't want to forget. It doesn't take away the pain, the hurt. Not really, not anymore.

"I think she would." The fire ninja repeats, and something tears in him, something buried deep inside. Something pulls apart to shreds, and he stops pretending, maybe. 

"But you don't know. Because she's not here, and she left us. And we'll never know what she wanted, really. We don't know, " Jay says sharply, salty tears finally spilling down his cheeks. "Because she's not coming back to us."

"Yeah, but, do you really think I don't know what she would've thought? I was her brother too, Jay." Kai says softly, small, humorless smile on his face.

It hits the lighting ninja like a bullet, tearing through him, just how much pain the fire ninja must be going through, but even worse. He's been so selfish, so self centered, he forgot how much the others would miss Nya as well, and all he's been doing is throwing away parts of her to the waves sweeping them away, the cruel ocean that will never give her back. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry—" he stutters, not knowing how to put everything he wants to into words. Kai pulls him closer, quietly patting his back. "It's okay, Jay. We're all missing her, I just—I—" A sob punctuates his attempts to comfort him, and it's a while, maybe a long while,  before either of them find their words again. 

"W-would she?" Jay echoes his earlier question, the seascape blurred through his vision, and Kai nods firmly. 

"I know she would, and... I think you know, too." 

Jay reaches to feel the heavy curved piece in his pocket again, only this time his fingers tightens around it, not ready to ever give it up. He doesn't feel the anger that has eaten at him for the past month, none of the overwhelming hopelessness is taking over his thoughts. A spark of something just a little better than what he's been feeling tugs at his chest, and he does know what Nya would've wanted. 

He does thinks, maybe, his sharp edges, his broken parts are finally becoming softer. 

Healing.

And the sun finally ascends from behind the sea line, drenching them in the muted golden light.