TW: Mentions of death

Jay dreams of Nya. Later, he thinks its worst than a nightmare.

• • •

Jay, doesn't have nightmares.

It's a blessing as a child. He doesn't suffer from recurring nightmares of falling down a dark, dark hole, or facing his deepest fears in sleep. There's no explanation, he just doesn't

He kind of wishes he did, though.

After Zane sacrifices himself for them, he doesn't dream of razor-edged icicles exploding around his world, doesn't have nightmares of the snowy glaze freezing everywhere, doesn't dream of the nindroid shattering into a million pieces, unable to take the pure power that courses through him.

His dreams hold memories, instead. Memories of good times, times when they didn't have to worry about saving the world or another new, badder, villain out to get them. Come to think of it, they didn't have a lot of those times. Not enough, at least.

He dreams of normal times with the team, joyful conversations he can't quite remember, sunlight gleaming off Zane's metallic plating and not a worry in the world, besides who's turn it is for the laundry and whether or not they had enough food to last the week.

"It's Kai's turn." Nya says steadfastly, and the fire ninja shoots up from his seat on the ground, shaking his head. "No. It is nOT-"

"It is. My calendar says so," Zane says helpfully, and the brunette scowls, the expression not holding any real annoyance. "Yeah, sure, gang up on me-"

"It totally is your turn. I did it last week!" Lloyd pipes up, as if to rub it in, and Kai collapses back onto the ground dramatically, sprawling on the grass. "Fine, fine, push all the work onto me."

Jay laughs at Kai's disgruntled face, and the feeling is lifting, painfully normal, like nothing could hurt them now.

It's unhelpful, and he tries to forget them, throwing himself into his work, rising early morning after morning to host the show.

Later, the nindroid returns, and the dreams fade away to nothing again.

They mist into black, dreamless sleep, and Jay wonders why. He never gets another.

Until, Nya disappears.

The inky blue waves pull her into the sea, away from his sight. The last of the water droplets roll off his arms, and he feels tears dripping down his cheeks, staining his uniform.

Jay clenches the edge of the building, fingers tightening around the rough stone, and pushes away from it violently, as if the building can feel his pain.

He hates her. He hates her for leaving him. He drags a pale blue sleeve across his face, wiping away the tears with a harsh sniff. Jay stares out across the city for one last time, as if Nya will magically come back, somehow transform back into her old self.

He wishes more than anything she would.

That night, the silence is almost deafening. Everyone retreats to their own room as soon as they reach the monastery, forgetting even the usual mandatory injury checks without a thought.

Jay doesn't bother peeling off his soaked uniform, arms burning from the scrapes received during the fight. He falls onto his bed immediately, clutching a pillow over his head. His hair splays over the sheets, staining them dark with water.

And blood, he notes faintly, but the lighting ninja can't think about anything except that fact that- Nya was gone. Because of him. Because he'd been dumb enough to go ahead and get fluid in his lungs, and she was stupid enough to sacrifice herself for him.

He didn't deserve it. Jay would've rather he died, for anything else to happen except for Nya to leave forever.

He throws the pillows off his face, and stares up at the ceiling, watching the shadowy sunset gleam across the white wall. It turns dusky dark soon enough, and eventually a dingy black settles over the room, making Jay wonder for a second how long he's been there.

It doesn't matter, though. His eyes slide shut, enveloping him in a black that's almost comforting. In sleep, he doesn't have to go over the day's event in his mind second by second, he doesn't have to think about how Nya will never come back, he doesn't have to hurt.

• • •

It's a bright day, shadows cast aside by the golden sun peeking out of the clouds, and the team is sitting out in the courtyard, cracking open peanuts and enjoying the sunshine.

Jay perches on the nearby stairway, and flicks a nut shell at the back of Kai's head, giving a small cheer in victory when it hits it target. The fire ninja jumps, picking up the husk and turning towards him, scowling. "Ve-ery mature." He doesn't bother to retaliate, too comfortable in his seat to move.

Jay doesn't reply, but picks up another shell once his head is turned back, taking aim carefully.

A small laugh tinkles next to him, and Jay looks up to see Nya standing at the doorway, holding a painted mug. Her raven hair is let down from the familiar ponytail she were during missions, spread over shoulders. She steps over the edge, long pajama pants trailing against the ground, and a baggy t-shirt hangs over her small frame.

"Hey, Nya." He says, small smile spreading across his face. A burst of excitement fills him, like every other time he sees the water ninja.

"Jay!" She exclaims, eyes glinting dangerously. The mug in her hands suddenly comes flying towards him, sparkling droplets sprinkling across the air. "Catch."

The lighting ninja splutters in surprise, hands flying up to shield his face from the projectile, waiting for the inevitable cold splash of water to shower across him. It never comes, and the mug lands dry across his lap with a thunk. He squints his eyes open suspiciously at the water ninja, confused.

She smirks, and reveals the bubbling sphere of water hovering behind her, taken from the cup before it hit him. "Got you."

"Traitor." Jay grumbles, and holds the cup out, letting the clear liquid fall into the opening neatly. Nya smiles and slides into the step next to him, and gives him a small kiss on the cheek. "What are you up to?"

He blushes, face burning crimson, and shrugs. "Nothing much." More than a year has gone by they started dating, but he's never not surprised at

"Liar, he's been throwing stuff at me." Kai calls out from in front of them, and Nya snickers, face lighting up in amusement. "I used to do that as a kid. Only I threw rocks, not shells,"

"I remember that." Kai mutters, face darkening. "And stop tossing things at me, I'm not a bin."

A strangled laugh makes it way out from Jay's throat as he tries to hide it, and Kai glowers at him for another second, but turns back to whatever he's preoccupied with.

Nya leans her head against his shoulder, warm skin pressing against his neck. "Boy, I did not get enough sleep last night." She yawns, and Jay hardly dares to breathe, incase he jostles her.

"Uh, you could take a nap?" he suggests, but the water ninja shakes her head drowsily, eyes slipping shut. "I'll jut close my eyes for a second, I've got some repairs to do later," she sighs, and Jay nods. "Oh, okay."

He wishes he could stay in that moment forever, without missions, or fuss, or having to worry about the world ending. 

Just, peace for once.

• • •

Jay wakes up in the morning, eyes opening when the room is still shrouded in early dawn sunshine, cold yellow light peeking through the windows. It's a habit to wake up early by now, he knows.

His duvet is still neatly folded at the edge of the bed, and Jay suddenly realizes he's still in his uniform. He sits up, dazed, and gazes around the room, confusion filling him.

Then the events of the former day slams into him like a bullet, and the earlier morning containment fades away as quickly as it came. 

He pulls his knees up to his chest, and buries his face in the damp cloth, eyes squeezed shut to stop the tears from flowing again.

He didn't want to cry again. 

Thoughts of the earlier dream floats into his mind, and a sob escapes his throat, hazel hair falling into his face. 

He hates it. 

Hates the unreliable fantasies his brain puts him through at night, just to jerk him awake in the morning to a terrible reality, making it all the harder to go through. 

His dreams are worse than nightmares.