Edwin, the frog Build-A-Bear I've just adopted, flops over in my lap when I stop at the intersection before Joe's street. He's dressed in black shorts and a red hoodie that says "hugs" across the front. Joe insisted he also get a pair of glasses to match mine but since he's a frog, there weren't any that actually aligned with his eyes. So no glasses.

I pick him back up just before the light turns amber. 'Thank you for this.'

'You've already thanked me six times today,' Joe says, laughter caressing her voice.

'Well, I mean it. I've sorta always wanted one of these.'

I stop in my usual spot with a leafless maple on one side and a graffitied electrical box on the other and finally turn to look at her properly. Joe is wearing a new necklace Eilidh gave her for Christmas, one with a north star pendant. The one from Tamsin is officially gone then... Her wash-and-go defines each curl of hair, false lashes accentuating her eyes. She's not got on any colourful makeup today, just the shimmer in the corners of her eyes that drives me mental.

'Are you sure you won't let me treat you to tea?'

She rolls her eyes. 'It's a gift, Nikki. You're not meant to pay me back for it.'

The string of hearts tickles my ribs. She knows me so well. I love that she knows me so well. Gifts that cost actual money are not a thing I'm used to; Caleb and I have always been generous with each other but we both grew up too poor to offer much beyond things crafted from scrap materials until we started working at NutriLents. 

'Can't fault a man for trying.'

She smiles, showing the new tooth gems she got while in London. Unlike the previous ones, these are symmetrical: a pink heart embedded on each incisor, the purple butterfly on her front teeth this time, and singular rhinestones centred on the bottom row in blue.

Her cheer is short-lived. The lines I've become so familiar with press between her brows and her focus shifts to the window behind me. 'Actually... I need to talk to you.'

'Alright. Yeah. Mint.'

Is she splitting up with me? Maybe her mum did find her a perfect fiancé over the holidays and the frog were a break-up gift? Unless she thought "tea" would've been an actual date and the thought is sickening to her. Should I specify I only meant it as friends? Did I only mean it as friends? How many practice dates can we go on until we're just dating?

'Please don't be cross with me for not telling you this before.'

I shake my head, worry having stitched my jaws together, and hope she understands that I could never be angry with her. Turning off the Kali Uchis song playing, my hands slide from the steering wheel to my lap where I find Edwin. I hold both his flippers.

Joe takes a deep breath, blinking back tears that preemptively glaze her eyes. 'I don't really know where to start... Guess I'll just– So, Tamsin and I met at uni. I had wanted to focus on studying so I wasn't actively looking for a relationship. But with her, it was just... I wanted to be with her constantly.

'We understood each other in a way I hadn't experienced before. I moved in after a month. We could barely stand to spend five minutes apart.'

The chain too delicate for the anxiety infusing through her, Joe stops fidgeting with her necklace. Instead, she wrings her seatbelt. 'It's hard for me to point at when things started getting bad.

'It was just small things first, like she'd comment if I was wearing too much makeup or that I was too talkative with shop assistants and it must be annoying when they're just trying to do their job. Pretty soon, she'd need me to name every person I spent more than a minute with if she wasn't there.

'Then seven years go by and it's my birthday and we have a really bad fight and... she hit me.

'It was like I'd suddenly woken up to realise I've no friends, I've not seen my family for a year, I can't keep a job for more than a few months at a time because my girlfriend always accuses me of cheating on her with my coworkers and the only way to pacify her is to get a different job.

'She'd accuse me of cheating every time I smiled at someone. She'd always say that I'm probably having sex with men but then she'd also always reduce any man I'd been attracted to as comphet. We'd break up and get back together and break up and get back together. I didn't have any friends other than her. We'd argue all the time and then she would shower me with affection only to get angry again the next day. Then she started breaking stuff and hitting things.

'When she hit me, I just realised "I have to get out of here now or I probably never will". So I left. I didn't take any of my things except my phone. And I went to stay with Jaz—thankfully Jaz managed to get most of my stuff before Tamsin destroyed them.

'Every day I had to struggle against the desire to go back to her. I know it's stupid but, even after everything, I still loved her so much. Things were so good sometimes.' Joe laughs miserably, shaking her head at herself. 'When July came around and I still checked Tamsin's socials for hours every day, I knew I'd go back again. I came here so that I couldn't even if I wanted to... But I've been so scared. I've been so scared that I'll go back—I always did before.'

By this point, I've taken off my glasses so I don't have to keep lifting them to wipe my eyes. Edwin's hands are wet from tears. My stomach churns.

It's like someone has crammed soil into my mouth, bits of dirt grating against my molars each time I grind my teeth. I need to yell at Tamsin until I've spit every last morsel out. I swallow them instead.

I wait for Joe's gaze to venture to mine so I can hold it when I speak. 'I'm proud of you for surviving that.'

For a fragment of time, she brightens with surprise. Then she breaks down.

I undo my seatbelt to hug her better and Joe pulls herself tight against me. Her sobs tremble against my palm as I rub her back, hoping I could siphon the pain out.

It's minutes later when Joe pulls away with a sniff. I offer her the clump of McDonald's drive-through serviettes from my glovebox. She dries her nose and presses out the tears in her eyes with another.

She started texting me again. Just before Christmas. I don't even where she got my number; Jaz made sure I changed it before I moved here. I was so close... I was so close to agreeing to see her when I was in London.'

Joe starts to tremble so I reach for her free hand, squeezing it. 'Thankfully Jaz smacked some sense into me but... it made me realise that I wasn't as much in control as I thought so I took up my parents' offer for therapy. I just started yesterday.'

'That's brilliant.'

'Yeah, they seem really nice.' She blots away new tears but squeezes my hand. 'I was so fixated on the idea that casual sex would get rid of the urge to go back to her. That by number fifty I would have to have magically got rid of my trust issues. And... I didn't really think I deserved to be in a relationship until I'm fixed... healed,' she corrects.

'But Vivek—that's my therapist—said "you can't learn to trust by yourself" and it just clicked. It's what you said too, I can't expect to be perfect before I let myself care about people and be cared for.'

Joe looks at me through her tears and the gratitude chokes me on the way down.

She's giving it to the wrong person. I didn't even notice. Despite all the signs that in hindsight make it obvious, the thought never even crossed my mind. She should give her thanks to Eilidh and Caleb and probably everyone else, who did actually figure it out and whose love isn't so anaemic.

What am I supposed to do? I could love her from my bone marrow and it would hardly be enough for a five-milligram supplement. She deserves someone with so much love to give that it turns her into a garden at every glance and touch.

'I'm sorry if sometimes when you're nice to me, I freak out. Tamsin would love bomb a lot. Please don't take that personally, I trust you, but sometimes it makes me panic anyway.'

I shake my head vehemently. 'You don't have to apologise.'

'I really care about you,' Joe whispers. 'And I really appreciate how much you care for me.'

I turn away. Nettles burn my insides.

'I'm so grateful I became friends with you lot. Tamsin managed to convince me that I was completely unloveable and... you all welcomed me immediately. You especially. You have such a natural instinct to love people.''

Take a shot. Take a shot. Take a shot.

Did you mean: Programmed inability to love people?

I peel my gaze from Edwin's hands to find hers waiting for me. 'You are so easy to love, Josephine.'

Fresh tears blur her from my vision. The dirt decays into mould in my mouth. After she told me that, how can I still lie to her about my parents? How can I look her in the eye and pretend like I've got what she needs? She has the right to know that I can never love her enough.

If she don't need me for casual sex, there's nowt I can give her, and she has the right to know not to waste her time. Am I The Asshole for lying to the person I'm in love with so she won't split up with me?

It's an easy answer. I'm keeping her here under false pretences. That alone proves how little I deserve her trust. I'm too selfish to let this go.

'Are you sure you won't let me get you food?' I ask, the words rough through swollen vocal cords. 'No strings attached, I promise—leave the benefits out for tonight. We can just eat and watch Merlin.'

'You want to watch Merlin with me?'

Joe is the sun. She must be, the way she beams so brightly, how she warms me up despite the sullen clouds outside. Her smile bathes me in light and the string of hearts still finds room to grow.

What did I do to deserve to be hollow?

I hold Edwin against my chest. If only I could shove him through my skin and stuff the hole there. 'I wanna do anything with you, Joe.'

Notes

Comphet: Compulsory heterosexuality. The assumption that everyone is heterosexual and the enforcement of heterosexuality on people. When internalised, it can make it difficult to identify when attraction is genuine and when it's something we're either programmed to have or to reject.

Love bomb: A manipulation technique where someone showers another person with affection. It is often a reoccurring phase in cycles of abuse.