I clear my throat when we stop at another red light. 'So, we should talk about this, right? What is this that we're doing, exactly? If it's still happening. We should probably talk about boundaries and rules.'

Rules like maybe don't lie to her about my parents?

Joe's lips twitch into a smile on the passenger seat. 'I was going to say that but I didn't want you to think I was annoying.'

'Annoying? First of all, that's not annoying. Second, I'd love to be annoyed by you.'

She laughs. Or maybe she scoffs. 'Don't say things like that.'

'It's true. So...' There are ants in my knees. 'Are you having sex with other people? Of course, that's alright! Since this is casual. But we should talk about it.

'Like do we tell people–? I did already tell Caleb and he told everyone else. Yeah, I should've probably asked about that first but I'm used to telling him everything so I didn't even think about that until this literal second, so... Sorry. And do we use condoms? Cause I've had chlamydia once and I'd be well content never experiencing that again.'

'You've had chlamydia?'

How is that what she wants to focus on?

'In my defence,' I say, 'I were seventeen and my girlfriend had sex with another bloke who'd had sex with another bloke—there were a whole outbreak in the school. Caleb thought it were dead funny.'

Joe sits upright. 'Your girlfriend cheated on you?'

'No.' I try to laugh but it echoes in my chest. 'We weren't in a relationship. I thought we were in a relationship, but we'd never officially agreed on that so that's on me. Guess I shouldn't call her my girlfriend. It's not her fault; I do that all the time.'

The full weight of the confession falls on me only seconds later and I throw Joe an alarmed glance. 'I ain't gonna do that with you! Assume things. Don't panic.'

My reassurance does nowt to pacify the horror in her eyes. Okay, definitely never asking her out if that's the feeling she has about the idea.

'Nikki...' Joe chokes on the name, too bloated with sympathy to leave her throat smoothly. 'I'm sorry. You deserve better than that.'

'No, it's alright,' I say, smiling. Why doesn't she understand that? Why do I feel like crying? 'It's my fault; I were the one jumping to conclusions that we were in an exclusive relationship. That's a bit arrogant, ain't it? Like why would she have wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me?

'At least I'm fit now but I didn't look like this as a teenager. Looked like one of them inflatable blokes outside petrol stations that flip around in the wind.'

I was in love with Winnie. I loved her with everything in me and she still had to get it from other people cause it wasn't enough.

It would never be enough for Joe.

'Nikki...'

'What?'

I nail my stare to the road but even in the blur of periphery, Joe's face is twisted in what I can only interpret as pain. She reckons I'm pathetic, don't she? Well this conversation is going mint.

'Stop looking at me like that.'

'Nicolás–'

'And stop saying my name like that while you're at it.' She continues to watch me, her stare what I imagine an x-ray to feel like, until the emotions retreat. Before she can change her mind, I interrupt. 'So condoms, yes or no?'

'I'm not on birth control.'

'Okay, so yes. Mint. That's settled.'

I drum my fingers on the steering wheel, reminding myself to buy some next time I'm in a shop because if I have any lying around they're probably expired. I'll have to put them everywhere. In the car and the shower and probably in the kitchen.

Each hit of my fingers against the leather adds to the awkwardness festering between us but I can't make myself stop. The few minutes it takes for us to reach Joe's apartment in Ancoats chafe my skin as though it isn't a clear-skied day in December.

I park on the curb and finally sweep the silence out. 'I'm free tonight if you want to do owt.'

'Yeah–' Joe's smile barely buds before she drops it. 'No, I'm sorry. I'm honestly just bloody exhausted. I was hoping to have a quiet night in. Sorry. I'm sorry. It's not that I don't like spending time with you and I promise I don't have plans with anyone else—I would just tell you that. Honestly, I'm just–'

'Joe,' I cut her off before she gains too much momentum to stop. 'That's alright. You're allowed to want time alone.'

She inspects my face. Her hand raises to her sternum to fidget with her white topaz but the necklace must be tucked under her turtleneck jumper. Instead, she rubs circles into her chest.

'You're not angry?'

'Why would I be angry?' I curl my hands in my lap to curb the impulse to reach for her. 'Thank you for today. I enjoyed spending time with you.'

Niche Facebook group suggestion: People who can't figure out if someone is genuinely confused or just agonised to be stuck in the same car as you and wish you'd shut up already. And maybe you have feelings for that someone and that someone is looking at you like chuddy at the bottom of their shoe. Or they're genuinely confused and you're just bad at reading facial expressions and/or projecting your insecurities.

'Me too.' This time, Joe's smile sticks and the butterfly gems at the corners of her teeth glint. 'I'll text you tomorrow, I promise. I've drafted you about twenty messages but they always sound so stupid and then you never sent me anything so I thought maybe you changed your mind. But I'm still all in. Just not tonight. I wasn't flirting with them, by the way.'

'Who?'

'The assistant at Queer Awakening.'

'I...' Reeling through the visit, I try to figure out what she's talking about but I didn't pay much attention to owt but Joe being giddy and excited by every item in the shop, even things she wouldn't personally want to or be able to use. 'I didn't reckon you were.

'Also you are allowed to flirt with whomever you like. Even if we were in a relationship—which I know we aren't and I'm not deluding myself that we would be—I wouldn't really have a problem with that, I think. Suppose it depends on the context. But in general. In a club, it's sort of part of the job less you want drunkards throwing drinks at ya—been there. If you were flirting with your therapy patients, that would be weird.'

'Oh... Good to know.' Joe looks like she did when we were high and she thought she discovered butter on toast. Then it fades. 'If we're talking about boundaries, I wanted to ask... about your brother. Do you... want me to get to know them?'

Summat drops in my gut.

I know I shouldn't but I turn away, watch the scatter of dry leaves on the side of the road. 'It takes a lot for Cece to trust someone. I wouldn't want to put them through that if this is just casual between us.'

Silence. Aching arthritic silence.

'Okay.'

I turn to Joe and though there ain't owt in her demeanour that would give it away, I know she's upset. 'I care about you, you know that. You're my friend. And hopefully, you'll be my friend for many years. But I think it would be confusing for them right now with this... thing. I'm meant to be a source of stability in his life and this isn't that.'

'I understand.'

Alarm flashes behind her eyes as I release my seatbelt. 'I'll just walk you to the door,' I explain. 'Weren't gonna murder ya.'

Joe casts me a glance that might be affectionate and might be annoyed (need that Facebook group) but don't say a word as I get out of the car. I grab her bags from the boot and fall into step with her. Once the bags are in her hands, I open the door for her but rather than step inside, Joe hugs me.

Her gaze stays on mine as she starts up the stairs. 'See you.'

'In a bit.'

I wait until she reaches the second floor. As I walk back to the car, a string of hearts grows around my ribs, tightening and swelling my chest at the same time. It could grow a whole garden if I let it. 

Notes

Ceropegia woodii: String of hearts.