warning: this chapter contains
implied child grooming, minor-adult relationship, age gap.

━━━━━━━━━

Jeongguk doesn't understand how this soulmate shit works, honestly.

One moment, he's sitting in front of his game console, immersed in a game of League, and then the next he's changing to jeans and shirt and getting ready to head to the YG headquarters.

For what reason? He doesn't know. All he knows is that there's an unexplainable ache inside of his stomach, barely there, and that if this doesn't disappear in the next hour he's going to seriously admit himself to the hospital, as over dramatic as it seems.

While changing into a pair of slip ons, he thinks about the last time he saw Lisa. It had been a week ago, January 16th, he remembers, and they spent an entire day together to test out a theory that's been brewing in the other's mind for quite a bit.

Said theory is: if they spend at least 8-10 hours once a day, the pain wouldn't come back for at least more than a week or two, and they'd be able to do other things besides breathing in the same space with the other.

Conclusion: it's effective. Weirdly effective. Makes him think that Lisa actually thinks about other things besides her cats and her odd obsession for guitar pickets (she showed him her collection a few days back. Man, there were a lot.)

Result: they now have to spend 8-10 hours with each other once a week... which is new because they usually bond for like, 2-3 hours, but 8 hours would suffice, he guesses.

Problem: the pain isn't supposed to come back until next week, so why the hell is he hurting this much? It worked fine the first time, they spent the entire day combing through the sketchy vinyl stores in Myeongdong. So why...?

As he exits the apartment complex, he weighs the pros and cons of this new arrangement.

Pros: Jeongguk will have more time for himself, therefore more time for practice, for League, and if he's lucky, maybe he can learn to master Valorant, too. (He has priorities, okay.)

Cons: less of Lisa's face, less of Lisa's voice, less of Lisa's presence--less of Lisa.

But then again, he isn't really sure if those are cons... as far as he knew his mind was conditioned to think this way. Biologically speaking, he and Lisa used to have the same body which explains the constant longing and craving for each other's presence, so it's only normal for his body (his body, not him) to miss being around hers.

(Right? Right. It's not like he misses her himself, nah. Those are just soulmate instincts.)

So, yes, those aren't fully cons. They're 50% pros and 50% cons. He's elated because he gets to see less of her, but he's disappointed that he also gets to see less of her. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, this brings us back to the problem: why is he hurting? He already spent a huge chunk of his schedule bonding with his soulmate, therefore there's no valid reason for the pain to come back again.

Unless...

He gets into a cab a little while later, telling the driver to get to the YG headquarters and opening his Naver app in the process. With rushed hands he scours through various soulmate blogs, spotting a few keywords until he finally lands on a blog post named I Can't Seem to Part from my Soulmate: What to do?

His eyes skim the entire page in a rush, feeling the rumble of the cab's engine just below him.

Can't seem to part form your soulmate? Always wanting to be by their side always?

Jeongguk cringes at the corny opening lines.

Well, dear soul, you've come to the right blog! Night Songs to Aphrodite offers advices, tips, and answers to all of your burning questions. Drop a question in the small tab below and we will answer them as soon as possible.

TOPIC: Constant yearning for your other half!

"Number one, constant yearning is a normal occurrence in the soulmate dynamics, you feel intense pain, with a pain intensity of 10/10, yada yada yada," Jeongguk reads under his breath. "Number two, blablabla, pain intensity of 5/10."

He pauses reading at that point because honestly, the answers were already to his knowledge. Before resuming, he exits out of Naver and opens his messages, where lets Lisa know that he's on his way.

With a few taps he's back on the blog again, he reads the remaining words and then freezes when he gets past a certain sentence.

However, if you're feeling little to no pain at all, then that is not a part of the soulmate bond. The pain that you feel from the soulmate bonds only begins from the scale 5 and lasts until 10, ranging from frequent shivers, severe migraines, to chest constrictions. Below that would be your normal pain scale.

In an instant, his hand goes to his belly. The ache is still there, barely noticeable, but he is sure that it's because of their bond... isn't it? It has to be. A stomach ache can hurt as bad as a migraine.

And then, it's as if the universe is playing tricks on him, the next section of the post makes his eyes widen.

If a part of you hurts a little and you're craving for your soulmate's presence, baby, that only means one thing: you miss them.

He... misses her? What even...

Ah! An idea pops into his mind. Surely, if he's feeling this way, Lisa would be the same too, right? She must have stomach ache as well. She has to. So, without hesitation, he dials her number and waits until he finally hears that voice he's learned to like during the past few months.

"Hey," Lisa says as soon as she picks up, voice sounding normal, like she isn't having any pain at all. "What's up? Why did you call?"

"Hi, um," Jeongguk clears his throat. "Are you hurting?"

The sentence is vague, although the both of them know what it means. Background chatter occupies the current silence, and Jeongguk has to wait for a few seconds before she finally replies. "Uh, no? I'm not supposed to hurt until next week. I mean, we saw each other last week so I don't think...?"

Oh shit. So it's just him then? "What? Then why is stomach hurting right now? What does that mean?"

He's painfully aware that he's dancing around the obvious fact, but he doesn't want to admit it. No. It couldn't be.

"That's probably stomach ache, you dummy. Did you have oysters for dinner?"

"Hey! How did you know?"

"I saw your Instagram story."

"Huh," he finally leans back and exhales. What is this feeling? "So, if this isn't a soulmate kind of pain, then why do I have the sudden urge to see you?"

When Lisa responds, he almost hears the smile in her voice. "That means you miss me, Jeon."

His cheeks start heating up. What the hell. "Yah. Who said that?"

"Come on. Think about it, dumdum. Why else would you want to see me if you don't miss me?"

"I don't miss you."

"You do."

"I don't-- where are you right now?" Jeonbgguk tries to deflect from the topic. He isn't ready to be slapped by the truth. Is it even the truth? "I'm on my way to your company building, just so you know."

"Oh?" She muses from the other line. He suddenly hears the clinking of glasses and conversations flowing in and out of coverage. "I'm not in YG right now."

Jeongguk almost flees from his seat. "What? Then where are you?" If the taxi driver recognizes his voice, he doesn't show it.

It takes a few moments for Lisa to respond. When she does, it sounds almost hesitant. "Um, I'm with Bambam right now. We're having dinner in Yeoksam-dong."

"Wait, what?"

"He was craving lamb skewers and he asked me to hang out--"

"Why?"

"Because we're friends? I mean, we've hung out a couple times before so... I don't get why you're asking."

His brows start to furrow.

Jeongguk doesn't know what to do with this fresh piece of information. Since when have they become so close for them to spend time together? The last time he recalled them being in the same vicinity as each other was last year, when they first met at that Thai restaurant.

Have they been hanging out all this time and he didn't know? And Lisa didn't even bother to tell him? Neither did Bambam, his close friend, for years?

"How-- why... when did this start?" Jeongguk manages to stutter out, brushing his hair. There's a reticent bitterness coursing through his system at the thought of Lisa and Bambam together at this very moment, at this exact second, when he's supposedly on his way to see her. His soulmate. He feels betrayed.

A bell-like laughter sounds from his phone. Lisa takes a few intakes of breath, and then says, "Why do you make it sound like I'm cheating on you?"

He blinks. Halts. "Do I really sound like that?"

Another round of laughter, and Jeongguk almost smiles, not until he hears a familiar male voice in the background. Bambam, he thinks bitterly.

"You do! I didn't ex--"

"Okay, fine, I won't be going to YG now. I'll go home," he cuts her off with a frustrated sigh. An uncomfortable feeling settles in his chest at the thought of both of his friends together, but he pushes it down with a clear of his throat. "Have fun, you guys. See you at the SMA."

"Wait, Jeon, I didn't--" End call.

He slips his phone inside his pocket and huffs. Both of his hands come up to rub his face in vexation, the heels of his palms pressing into his eyes in an attempt to ground himself. He doesn't know why he's feeling like this out of a sudden, like the mere thought of Lisa with another of his friends makes him feel all kinds of annoyed.

"Love life problems, kid?" The taxi driver suddenly asks. Jeongguk blinks to see him more clearly, sitting straighter. "Can't help but overhear."

He shakes his head and releases an awkward chuckle. "Ah, no, no. Just... a few issues with my friend."

"Don't worry, we all go through that stage. It's just a matter of time." Through the rear view mirror, he catches a glimpse of the driver giving him a wink. He suddenly wants to curl into himself and disappear.

"Uh, yeah. Nice." He cringes inwardly. "Oh, excuse me, can you also drop me off to a nearby convenience store? I changed my mind and I won't be going to YG anymore. I'll pay you extra!"

"Yeah, sure. A few thousand won would suffice." The driver waves him off. He adjusts a few things in his phone, and rests both of his hands on the wheel. "Also, last thing, stomach ache isn't a side effect of the soulmate phenomenon. I just thought you should know."

"I... uh, okay."

"If you miss them, you miss them."

With that, he resumes driving and doesn't say anything for the rest of the ride.

Jeongguk eventually leaves the taxi with red cheeks and a confused mind.

If you miss them, you miss them.

Does he?

* * *

hwayoung:
are we still going to meet tomorrow?
7:12PM

ME:
uhh i don't think so

seoul music is tomorrow

id be tired by then
7:41PM

hwayoung:
mkay

if u ever change ur mind,
just text me
7:41PM

ME:
okay

thanks hwayoungie
8:54PM

* * *

Seoul Music Award is probably one of Jeongguk's favorite award shows. Not only because of the limited crowd, but also because of the way the idols' seating arrangements are made. They're usually sat in these round tables just in front of the stage, making at accessible to secretly converse and exchange snacks with other idols within their range.

And yet now, as he sits at the front, he can't find it in him to talk to Bambam who's conveniently sitting right behind him. Sure, he can just turn his head and whisper a word or two, but he just can't. He doesn't know why. Plus, it's not like he's holding a grudge against the guy. He still respects him, after all. He's a friend. But he can't.

Before he knows it, the night goes by in a rush. Jeongguk doesn't quite remember who won which awards due to the influx of 4th generation groups, but he remembers Queen of Disaster winning a bonsang as well as 7FOR7, and then a few rookie awards for some new robot girl group and another boy group.

Piece of Peace garnered their third daesang as well, which almost brought another round of tears. By the time they finished delivering their speeches, his bottom lip was red and bruised due to the way he bit it out of nervousness.

(Lisa threw a pack of gums at his head while he was delivering a speech, to which he ignored.)

They take numerous group photos in the stage afterwards, and as soon as the camera man takes the last shot, Jeongguk heads straight towards his dressing room, already eager to get this night over with and sleep to his heart's content.

When he finally steps into the familiar backstage hallway, he begins to loosen his tie while walking in a brisk pace.

"Gguk-ah?"

He freezes. The light up ahead suddenly seems too bright, and he gulps. Dread starts creeping towards his heart at the voice, so he takes a deep inhale and forces himself to walk again.

"Gguk," the voice repeats, louder this time. "I know you heard me, I just... can we talk?"

Jeongguk resumes walking, although his heartbeats sound way louder than his footsteps. His hands shake, so he balls them into tight fists, his nails forming little crescent shapes into his skin.

This can't be happening. No. Not here.

"Please, Gguk."

He stops.

He doesn't turn around, but he manages to speak.

"What do you want, Jinwoo?" It comes out harsh, the bite in his words so sharp that he himself flinches. He hears an sharp inhale from behind him. "I've got things to do."

"This won't be long, I promise."

Promise. Jeongguk almost wants to scoff at the word.

A hand suddenly grabs his elbow and pulls him backwards that he jumps in surprise. When he looks up, he's face to face with his ex, looking down at him with urgency and desperation evident in his face.

Jeongguk loses the ability to move.

Song Jinwoo has always been a handsome man. He's four years his senior, a member of the rock band named EXIT who debuted a year before Piece of Peace. Striking eyes, charming mouth, a voice like any other--it wasn't surprising that 15-year old Jeongguk was in awe of him when they met one gloomy night in the Han River all those years ago.

Of course, like all relationships, theirs began with a friendship. It wasn't until wide-eyed, naive Jeongguk began to grow feelings for the older, resulting in a secret relationship that both made and unmade him--both physically and emotionally.

(Little did he know that that same relationship would scar him forever.)

Back then, he used to think that Jinwoo was the sun--all bright and hot and burning. Jeongguk was blinded by his rays, enveloped by his warmth that everything he did, whether wrong or right, didn't matter.

To him, Jinwoo was the center of his world.

And yet as quickly as the sun rises, the quickly it sets. Their relationship eventually faded into dust, the five years worth of love crumbled into nothing but a distant memory. A memory he never ever wants to remember again.

"Gguk-ah," Jinwoo repeats softly. That same damn voice he always used when he wanted something from Jeongguk. "Baby."

"Don't call me that," Jeongguk hissed. He sees Jinwoo's eyes widen by a fraction at his unanticipated burst. "It's been years, Jinwoo. You don't get to call me that anymore. We're over." He doesn't bother with the honorifics. Not anymore.

"I know. I'm just--" Jinwoo lowers his gaze, shoulders slumping in defeat. "I miss you."

This time, he couldn't control the scoff that escapes his mouth. "Miss me? How hypocritical of you."

"It's not too late, we can fix it, we can--"

This is a conversation that's happened too many times, although it doesn't wane the anger in Jeongguk. "You can't fix what's already been broken, Jinwoo. I gave you everything that I had, what else do you want?!"

"Gguk-ah, please, I don't--"

"Babe!"

At the sound of her voice, Jeongguk immediately turns around and spots Lisa jogging towards him with the biggest smile on her face. Unbeknownst to him, he starts to back away from Jinwoo and meets her halfway through the hallway.

"Babe," Lisa repeats again, holding out a hand to which he takes without a doubt. Touching Lisa's hand makes him feel like he's been pulled out of the sea, all the water in his veins leaving his body in an instant. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"I'm sorry," he tells her, gripping her hand tightly in hopes that she'd get the message. He wants to leave. "I was just here, um, talking to--"

"Oh, you're talking to a friend!" She suddenly exclaims, having now noticed Jinwoo lingering at the back. She pulls him so he can stand behind her, and stands in front of him in a protective stance. "Hey there, I'm Lisa, Jeongguk's soulmate." She holds out her other hand in greeting, "And you are?"

Jinwoo gives Jeongguk a glance, surprise and confusion evident in his eyes. He steps forward, unsure. "I'm Jinwoo from EXIT," he says slowly, as if digesting the fact that Queen of Disaster's bassist is acting all friendly with him. "His ex."

"EXIT? What's that?" Lisa frowns, and now at this point Jeongguk knows she's lying. He's seen a few EXIT songs in her rock playlist so she can't be serious. "Like, a dance group or something? A trot group?"

At the mistake, Jinwoo frowns. "Um, no. It's a rock band. Like yours."

If his words struck a cord in Lisa, she doesn't let it show. "Ah, sorry, never heard of it." She waves dismissively and Jeongguk can practically see Jinwoo's ego deflating. "Anyway, it's nice to meet you! Cool outfit, by the way."

"Um, thanks."

"He looks good, doesn't he, Gguk-ah?" She turns to him with a grin, mischief dancing in her eyes. "I love how you put zero effort to your appearance and somehow, you're still confident!"

Jeongguk startles at her choice of words. Did he hear that right?

Jinwoo blinks. "Excuse me?"

"Like, if I had the same confidence as you do, I'd never show myself looking like this to anyone, like ever, but normalise not following the Korean beauty standards I guess!"

Jeongguk's mouth falls open at the backhanded insult. If there's anything that Jinwoo prides himself in, it's his face. "Lis, what are you saying?" He whispers, eyes wide and unbelieving.

Instantly, her smile disappears. "Oh, did I say something wrong?" She looks from Jinwoo to Jeongguk in faux worry. "I was just admiring how cool he is to not care about what anybody thinks. Seriously, Jinwoo-ssi, I could never do what you do. It takes so much guts to go out looking like that."

Now, Jinwoo finally gets what's happening. Ever the clueless. He steps forward, glaring, and raises an accusatory finger towards Lisa's face, "You're stepping--"

"His humor makes up for everything, too. Is that his normal face or does he really look like a joke? Dang. Didn't know you had a thing for funny people, Gguk."

Jeongguk thinks it's time to intervene. One look at Jinwoo's slowly reddening face and Lisa's shit-eating grin makes him think that something else will definitely occur if he doesn't put a stop to this. "Uh, yes. As eventful as this is, I'm afraid Lisa and I still have some business to attend to, so," he gives a half-ass bow and pulls Lisa along with him. "If you excuse us, Jinwoo-ssi."

But if Jeongguk knows anything about Lisa, it's that she's shameless. Nothing is ever going to make her shut up. (Unless you stick a fist up her mouth.)

So, inevitably, she adds the last blow to the burn and yells, "It was nice meeting you, Jinwoo! Remember to always embrace your insecurities!"

This time, Jeongguk couldn't help the laughter that spills past his lips. He doubles over as they run to another corner, almost stumbling over his feet as Lisa laughs like a maniac.

Once they reach the familiar door of POP's dressing room, he pulls her in and locks the door from behind.

"Oh my God," he says, breathless and with a hint of a smile in his face, "what the hell was that?"

Lisa catches her breath and leans back against the door. "Dude, I was defending you."

"Babe, really?"

"I was in a rush, okay."

Jeongguk wipes the sweat from his forehead and plops down on the couch. The smell of hairspray and foundation permeates the air, but Lisa's vanilla and lavender stands out the most. "I know, but you didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to though," she says and sits down right next to him. Jeongguk's quiet as she fixes her hair and her earrings, the adrenaline slowly dissipating. "I was following you when you went backstage so we could talk, but then I saw him and I couldn't help but listen."

"Oh." She must have heard everything, then.

Lisa probably sees the look of realization in his face, because she sighs. "I'm sorry for invading your privacy like that. I shouldn't have--"

"No, no," he shakes his head. "It's fine. It's good, actually, because I wouldn't have known what to do without you." If she hadn't intervened, who knows what would become of him and Jinwoo right now, especially since he still has a gaping hole in his chest from right where Jinwoo has caused it.

Lisa looks at him for a moment too long. Assessing. It almost becomes uncomfortable, but she clears her throat. With a hushed voice and hardened glare, she starts, "Your ex... did he... when you were together, did he do something to you?"

Jeongguk's taken aback. "Oh, no, not like that. He's not that kind of person," he clarifies, and Lisa visibly calms down. "He's just... I don't know. He was just toxic, I guess."

"Ah." She nods in understanding. "Do you... is it okay for you to tell me more? If you want to, I mean. If you don't, it's fine. Just... do what you're comfortable with. Maybe I can help."

Maybe because of the bond, maybe it's because of instincts, but Jeongguk finds himself wanting to tell Lisa everything. He trusts her, and he knows she's always willing to listen, and so he goes.

"It was a pretty toxic relationship, to be honest." He begins, and she's silent. "At first it started out good, but he's four years older and... well. I was 15. He was 19. It was wrong." Jeongguk sneaks a quick glance towards her, but there's no hint of judgement in her face. "He was my senior, so I idolized him a lot. Practically worshipped the ground he stepped on. Did everything to please him."

At this, Lisa stares up at him. "Just so he would stay?"

Jeongguk nods. "Just so he would stay." He bites the inside of his cheek. "I used to be insecure, you know. There were a lot of other people better than me, older than me, more talented than me. But he'd always say that the only person he wants is me, so I'd believe him.

"Of course, our relationship wasn't perfect. Since he's older and more... experienced--" He cringes at the words, "--he used to... use our age gap to justify his actions. Like, whenever I'd try to tell him my complaints or worries, he always used to say, 'Listen to hyung, Gguk-ah. Hyung knows best. Trust me.' and stuff like that. It made me very dependent on him then. Which is stupid."

Lisa purses her lips. "It's not. You were young, Gguk. You didn't know any better. He's the adult between you two, so he should've known that what he was doing was wrong and practically illegal. Instead, he took advantage of your innocence and used it for his own needs."

"I wish I had, though." He sinks even further into the couch, wanting nothing more than to curl into himself. "He's... emotionally manipulative, too. There were times when he'd get mad at me for the stupidest reasons, like when I spend time with my hyungs... or when I do vlives for our fans. At one point he tried to get me to stop going to the gym because he didn't feel comfortable with me being in a space with other men."

"God, that's--" Lisa blinks disbelievingly, "--that's crazy."

"I know." He smiles a bit at that. "Anyway, to cut it short, we broke up. But whenever he'd contact me and say that he missed me, I'd go back and we'd reconcile again. And then if things get tough, we break up, and then reconcile once more, and then break up again. It was a cycle."

"Damn. I knew you were stupid, but not that stupid."

"Shut up. I was young and naive, okay?"

"I'm glad you did that though," she finally says. "I know it takes so much courage to escape a relationship like that, especially when you've been with them for a long time. But you did it, and you're here, and I hope that you're happy with the decision that you've made."

Her words finds their way to his heart, filling almost every crack and soothing the emotional ache that's deeply rooted inside. Jeongguk feels warm.

He is happy.

"Thank you," he murmurs, looking up to meet her gaze. "I haven't really told the entire thing to anybody because I was scared I might get judged, but you... you listened and I couldn't be more grateful. Thank you."

"I'd never judge you," she says in earnest, and he believes her. He knows she's not lying. "You can trust me."

"And..." Jeongguk moves closer, close that their knees are touching. "Thank you for saving me back there. I never thought the day would come where you'd actually use your mouth for good."

Lisa smacks his leg teasingly. "Shut up, Jeon. If it weren't for my mouth you wouldn't be here."

He snorts, yet a grin breaks through his face. "Mmm. You're right."

"Plus, what I said wasn't enough. He deserved more than that." Lisa looks deeply affected by it, judging by the slight jut of her lower lip. "I wish I could've done something more."

"You don't have to do anything else," he says without thinking, staring into those pupils that contained all the constellations in the galaxy. "You being here is already enough."

Up close, he hears Lisa's breath hitch.

A tense silence falls upon the room, both of their voices found nowhere. Perhaps his words brought them this kind of quiet, perhaps it was his instincts, but right now, to Jeongguk, there's only Lisa, the stars in her eyes, and the shape of her mouth. Nothing else.

His gaze drop to her lips, and Lisa audibly swallows in anticipation.

He almost feels it: an electric buzz that seems to grow louder and louder at each passing second. He inches his face close... closer... and then suddenly there's something soft.

Soft, on his cheek.

When Lisa pulls away, a pink tint is already on her own cheeks. She looks anywhere but him, hands fidgeting, and Jeongguk belatedly realizes that she kissed him. On the cheek.

Oh.

The hum of the air conditioning suddenly sounds so much louder.

"I have to--"

"I should prob--" They say at the same time.

Jeongguk releases an awkward laugh and scratches the back of his neck. "Um, you go first."

"Okay," Lisa mutters, seemingly interested in the granite flooring. "I have to go. There's, uh, an after party, but I won't be going there so I'm going home."

"Okay," he says with fast nod.

"Okay," she repeats.

"Okay."

Before they could even discuss why their vocabulary is narrowed down to a single word, Lisa gives him another squeeze on the knee and leaves the room without goodbye.

The door clicks shut and now, as he's all alone in the room, Jeongguk realizes how much he's fucked up.

A kiss. Lisa gave him a kiss. She shouldn't have. This... this was not it.

But he liked it, didn't he? It made him feel warm. Complete. It was... good.

He touches his cheek, almost feeling the imprint that her lips left behind.

No. He didn't like it.

Fuck.

Did he?

Befuddled and overwhelmed, he only thinks of the one person he can rely onto at this moment. He grabs his phone, goes to his messages, and types in a text.

ME:
hey im sorry if it's
late but can we
meet?

please

i have a lot
in my mind
right now
11:12PM

hwayoung:
okay

tell me if you're
on your way
11:12PM

<3

a/n: ill edit this tomorrow. its 2am hsjzjxj

side note: if you're a minor, and if ur planning on/dating someone who's above 18--don't.