Book Title: Living Monsters
Written By: simsfan478
Chapters Read: 4

Cover: 2/5

  In my honest opinion, the cover isn't really that enticing. I mean, it shows the main characters and all, but it just sort of flops in the sense that the fonts and images, as well as how they're pasted together looks pretty basic and bland. The background behind the two main characters aren't properly laid out to match each other and their images weren't symmetrically aligned with each other. On the other hand, though, we're able to see Lana and Penny's appearances on the front cover, which is pretty good because it helps with the visualization.

  The author name is on the far, far lower left corner which is barely visible to the eye, and even if someone notices that little spot there I don't think we'd bother reading it. I'm speaking from experience, being a nearsighted person, because the letters are pretty small.

  Since Living Monsters is basically like a zombie apocalyptic story but with lilac-coloured infected, it would be more suited to have parts of its themes and elements, as well as the suitable colour palette and not just the two main characters. Also I think that way it will help attract the right audience.

Blurb: 2.5/5

  The blurb is short, straight to the point, and... well, vague. That's my honest take on it.

  After reading the blurb I was like, "that's it? What?" It wasn't specific at all, and I just found myself disinterested by the end of it because of the 'typical, cliche atmosphere,' it was giving off. Two sisters, the polar opposite, ought to find a way to reconcile or set their differences aside and stuff because of some... virus... apparently.

  What even is this virus? Is there an official name for it? What's its nature, what are the symptoms, how does it harm the people? Those things are necessary for the readers to even get mildly curious about how this virus is dangerous and whatnot. Choosing not to include it and its name just categorizes it as one of those cliche tropes with no background whatsoever on how they came to be, if I were to be honest.

  And what does Lana and Penny have to do with this? Did they just happen to be at that exact moment at that exact time? Wait, no, no... sorry if that sounds weird. Coincidences happen, and even the most normal people with the furthest of reasons to even be in that problem can get caught in it for just making a single decision.

  But

  It wasn't even hinted to us readers exactly how these two would end up getting caught in such a tango.

  There is 'danger,' and 'threat,' being mentioned but not explicitly stated. What kind of danger? What kind of threat does this virus have? Without the important four to a good blurb (Characters, Setting, Plot, and Stakes), the reader's interest goes to somewhere else, find that book that's more... teasing.

  Yeah, that's the word. Tease your readers and entice them into wanting to see what the first chapter is about. And from then on, slowly lead them with breadcrumbs of questions and suspense or add more to the curiosity.

  I can help you out in constructing the blurb of you want, though the reason I didn't make any assumptions of what would be right for a blurb here is because I still have no idea of the full context of the story and it's better to construct a blurb with the full knowledge of what will happen throughout the story but just veiled in enough subtlety.

Description: 2/5

  In my opinion, the little bits of description sprinkled throughout the story just seemed sort of... flat. It was downplaying everything, everyone, even the supposed tension that the infection brought in on them even when it's supposedly one of the biggest turning points of the story to pique the reader's interests.

  It's just... how do I say it... there are so many details lacking that whatever question pops up in your mind is just immediately replaced by another question because things don't make sense.

  First off, the setting still hadn't been explained two chapters in. Where are they? A town, or something? The news about the virus is supposedly so scary that the female reporter on the news got bitten... or something. That part on how or why she was shrieking wasn't even included. It wasn't shown to us and just makes it look like some of those TV tropes they use in shows, which is seriously ineffective. How does it infect other people then? Via bite? So is it really just a kind of zombie apocalyptic beginning?

  There isn't an official term for them as far as I've read through before finally putting it down, so I'm just gonna refer to them as zombies.

  Alright, back to that news scene in chapter one. The people's reaction to that supposedly gruesome and grim news is... surprisingly tame. Dude, if people are already overreacting on a simple something controversy on the internet, what do you think they'll do if they see something like this in live television? Just continue to sit down and eat their popcorn, I dunno, move to another channel? They don't. Why is there no panic, even. Does this world know the term 'zombie?' Because they sure aren't using them.

  Also, like I said. There's missing tension. And the back and forth between said "tension," and the seemingly casual nature of it all just gave me a whiplash. Allow me to elaborate.

  Penny and Lana get in the car, and apparently the next thing we know is the two of them suddenly veering off and Penny telling Lana to slow down? We need some emphasis. I believe this is supposed to showcase the more reckless side of Lana, but with that kind of pacing it just looks so random and out of place. Especially when they're constantly telling each other to rush but the very next paragraph we see Penny trudging along sluggishly to get some clothes.

  Keep in mind that pacing has a Goldilocks zone, as I often call it. Not too hot, not too cold, just right. Too sluggish of a pace can bore the crap out of readers and too fast of a pace can leave them just as confused as how did we even get from point A to point Q in about half a second.

  There is a ton of telling and not showing. This and that happened, Penny did this while Lana did that, then this happened afterwards and they did this. It was just sort of repetitive, and it didn't give me that hook to want to continue forward with each chapter.

  I'm probably gonna say this more than usual in this review, but showing is a very important aspect. Especially when conveying the five senses and a person's emotions into play. If you say that she was annoyed, show it to us. How exactly does your certain character get annoyed? Do they cuss a lot, silently glare, or just say something inappropriate and end up a sobbing mess of anxiety in the end?

  Telling is when: She was annoyed at her brother for ignoring her, so she planned to ignore him too.

  While showing is when: As he ignored her, the little girl clutched the hem of her dress and glared, before scoffing it off and planning to do the same.

  There could still be a lot of factors to improve the overall feel of the story, and I hope this section helped in pointing that out.

Grammar: 4.5/5

  Despite my earlier statements about the description being too fast paced and inconsistent, the grammar is really smooth and easy to work through. Rarely have I ever been stopped in my reading to find something amiss with the tense or the way the nouns and plural tenses were used. And I think this is awesome! The flow was really smooth overall and it worked really well especially with the quippy dialogues. Kudos!

  The only minor things I noticed were about the dialogue tags and the action tags, as I have underlined in red here:

  This is one of the places where a comma had been used even though the phrase that followed is an action tag. What is the difference between an action tag and a dialogue tag?

  Well, an action tag is when your character's action follows soon after the statement.

  I.e: "I wanted to leave earlier." Lana groaned as she shook her head a little, before setting her eyes back straight again.

  A dialogue tag is how the character says their dialogue.

  I.e: "I don't have another idea for an example," Pai confessed shyly, blushing.

  And the second little thing I found is:

  Commas. Yep, that's basically it. Some commas throughout the story had been either placed incorrectly or are currently Missing in Action lol. They're important because a missing comma could basically be:

  I.e: "Let's eat Grandpa!"
"Let's eat, Grandpa!"

  Yeah. That's some scary stuff right there. If you wanna know where to naturally leave out a comma, then try practicing reading your work out loud! You'll be able to spot more inconsistencies that way, as well as some awkward pauses and lines that could be more improved on as well.

  Other than that, your grammar is a fine as heck smooth marble sculpture!

Characterization: 3/5

  I get that there's supposed to be tension between the sisters themselves, but the third chapter just blatantly tells us what her deal with the insecurity is and not show it to us. This is akin to being spoon fed with information. There was a part where there is an explanation dump on what Lana is feeling, but not how she feels. This is where the show vs. tell is supposed to be used.

  There is no story, nor idea behind the two sisters, Penny and Lana, and how they came to be. And I know, backstories aren't utilized just yet until the readers actually care for the characters enough to go through an entire chapter of it, but putting in subtle hints of their character, their mannerisms, will probably be a big boost to having us ground ourselves in with them. After all, we want to be able to root for the character and relate to them in certain aspects, but also in letting them have a personality of their own.

  The second paragraph is just a little something I thought I should add, because strangely the backpack is described well but there isn't much to go on with the other characters and some of their supposedly tense and frightening scenes. It just sort of felt weird now.

  I grew a slight distinction to them halfway through chapter three when there's finally some conflict going on and their mannerisms were actually beginning to show and not simply get told to us. There are many varieties to their speech, such as mumbled, pointed out, etc. but I sensed very little to no emotion in them.

  There's an attempt to add in a chemistry with the four, including Aarav's uncle, Paul — I really enjoyed him, by the way. He's the closest character I actually felt grounded to. I like it when old folks are added into the story because I swear there's only so little of them. But I hope Paul gets his own moment of contribution as well, and not just there along for the ride.

  There was that part with Aarav saying that he was having a fight with his dad but then proceeds to say that he's gonna get his uncle. That's weird. If that's a nod at something then it wasn't quite handled correctly, what with those two girls not even noticing anything off with the blatant statement of it all. I don't know yet if this is foreshadowing, since those things are supposed to be subtly put in that the readers don't usually notice anything off until it slaps them in the face. This one sort of looked like a typo.

  How does one try to have their character be more compelling? It usually varies from how an author writes them down. Even a doucebag character could seem like such a redeemable angel in the hands of an emotionally connected person. Giving them flaws is just as important as giving them their own special uniqueness.

  A well grounded personality and clear character voice would greatly help in differentiating them from the rest of the cast. Giving them varying goals also helps out. In the end, it's all up to you when taking them on their journey, and where that said journey would lead them. I hope to see them fleshed out more in the later chapters, too!

Plot: 2/5

  If I'm going to be honest... then I did not get where this is going at all. Like I said, there are hints of the plot, though it's not really shown to us what needs to be done or what they're about to do in the blurb. This is a huge turn off for me, because the plot is the one that drives the entire story around, and right now they're just running around with no particular destination in mind other than to, "get away."

  Not surprisingly there's also that trope about losing signal. Dunno, I suppose it's just become a pet peeve of mine.

  There are so many missing questions and they're just going along in their own merry way without even a single hint of information or further questions to propel us into reading forward.

  First off, things such as the supplies they brought along with them weren't explicitly stated. This could act as a plot hole because we the readers don't know what they have given the current situation. For all we know, they could just magically pull out some stuff that was in there that hadn't even been mentioned once and just for the purpose of being a Deus ex Machina and propelling them forward.

  Apparently the book mentioned might have its use... though right now I don't really know how that would relate to this. If it's a big plot point then that might be a little scary since - that certain book is supposed to be original work and stuff. However, if it's only a small contribution like a passing mention kind of reference, then I don't think it'd have any problem. The question is why it's there in the first place. Hopefully not just to advertise a personal favorite. (This is me being nitpicky.)

  Anywho, let's continue on with the things I found slightly off with the pacing and the plot of the story. It's supposedly an infection, but the term most used is vampire. The only symptoms of it is that they're just sort of shambling around, with lilac skin and move at night.

  Why are the main characters just bashing them around and stabbing them... they're still supposed to be alive, aren't they? There wasn't even a passing hint of a clue to what could be behind it, or at least some personal questions from them about what the heck is happening. Who's to know people on another place already managed to develop a kind of cure, even temporarily. Instead of exploring that, we just get an, "oh well, it's the apocalypse! Time to bash skulls and travel together for some supplies!"

  Like... isn't Penny supposed to be the smart one? The plot device about their phones conveniently not having signal is pretty off as well. Why didn't they bring a radio if they're apparently going away like its already the end of the world? During times like these, people aren't supposed to go out on their own merry way.

  Give us readers a reason why we're supposed to just trust these girls' judgments aside from the fact that they're supposed to be the main characters. Because I don't really feel connected to anything they do unless they themselves try to address the own mysteries they're in.

  They're supposed to try and work together with the government because it's an infection, as has been stated numerous times, and not those undead zombies. The line between them is blurry, and it doesn't help that most of everything - from setting to the current infection issue, is vague and unclear. Constantly not addressing the curiosities of the reader by instead filling them in with the typical tropes is one of the reasons I dropped it halfway. There are a lot of ways paranormal stories could go wrong, especially when they're set in these times because people have their own set of knowledge and media literally travels past the speed of light now.

  Imagine your readers as ducks. (This sounds weird) You lead them on with subtle clues and hints that, without overwhelming them, still serves its purpose in giving the world - and the nameless town they're in - an actual life. It feels like a cardboard cutout setting to me and doesn't feel legit. There were already some questions in chapter one, but without the main characters being by our side to act as our companion in this world and as vessel for our woes, we're just left with an empty feeling of being left out.

Realism: 2/5

  I have to admit, this part is where I'm super nitpicky, especially when it comes to paranormal, or fantasy-esque stories. There are just certain factors normal humans can or cannot do with their human limitations, and one has to understand that.

  In the first chapter Aarav kills the zombie on the two girl's door with a pocketknife. I'm not even going to mention how ridiculously unrealistic this is. Nevermind. I will, and I need some answers. Exactly where in heavens did he even stab the thing is also not clarified so I'm just overall confused with the world this is being set up in. Does this mean he could've literally just stabbed that thing in the hand and I'll die?

It was mentioned when I asked that certain parts would be weakened, but again... even with Aarav apparently mastering where to stab in the further chapters, it wasn't stated just where.

  I'll be blunt and say that the seemingly easiness of it all is killing the tension. If they're that easy to repel or kill off, why is there a growing number of infected in the first place?

  It doesn't make much sense when a person could just quarantine themselves in their homes and only go out in the morning under direct sunlight where no zombie could touch them.

  The two girls aren't even commenting on anything about that and just straight up accepted that, "oh they must be real easy to kill, nice," idea. Dude just killed and they're surprisingly so passive about it.

  Like I said before, the setting and timeline when this happened wasn't even properly elaborated or even partially hinted on, making it all the more confusing how they don't know anyone from their neighborhood. And I thought Penny was supposed to the extroverted one. How?

  Anywho, back to that little thing regarding the zombies. But what I'm gonna say is regarding to Lana bashing that infected old lady with a baseball bat. I wanna ask a question here, and I'm gonna wait for an answer. Was that thing just for the purpose of making Lana look like the badass one?

  Because it doesn't. It's unrealistic, because Lana is a human. I encountered a lot of stories with the same zombie genre that fall victim to this. It is basically hardwired in a human being to show compassion and hesitation in their conscience when facing other humans. And that extends to even those who were already infected. There is a reason for that.

  Did Lana not even stop to think about not killing the old woman and thinking about cures or something? Did she, not even once, think about what that old woman could've been before she was infected? Is Lana secretly a psychopath? Because in all honesty, only psychopaths (or sociopaths) don't show any hints of remorse in hurting other animals and humans. And boy is she showing signs of it.

Total Score: 18/35

  Hello, Pai here.

  First off... I apologize for seemingly sounding harsh and blunt in this review. I am merely stating my honest opinions about the story, and there can be more room for improvements after editing and rewriting, trust me. I myself have made a shit ton mistakes in my own story that letting others read them seems like I'm subjecting myself to torture. This is a natural part when it comes to writing. It feels good, but it also hurts like a bitch.

  Overall, most of the reason why I ended up finding Chapter 4 an appropriate stopping point was because I believed the entire thing would be exceedingly lengthy at this rate. If there's anything I may have misunderstood in the story or the plot itself, then by all means, please don't hesitate to mention me or reply to any part of this review. I'll be sure to reply as soon as I can.

  There is no hate in this review, nor in the book, Living Monsters. But with a rough start and a bumpy road, there are still a lot of opportunities ahead, and I hoped that this review, albeit blunt, would help you in your writing journey.

Total Word Count: 3594