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• chapter one •

w h o   i   a m
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"jungkook... i want to tell you something."

my girlfriend said and looked at me. she wasn't smiling, she made a face like she was up to apologize for something.
well... i knew what was coming. it's always the same.

"i want to break up.
see... it's not that i don't love you anymore, it's just... that you are... how can i say it? you are kind of... boring. you are nice and kind and all that stuff, but that's it. you care for me, i know that, but you are like this to everyone. i fell in love with you because you always treated me kindly, but i'm disappointed. i honestly expected different from you.
i thought i was special for you, but it seems like i'm wrong.
i thought you were special.
but that is also wrong.
maybe i'm just not the right person for you.
goodbye jungkook."

then she turned around and left me standing alone in the park.
i watched after her till she disappeared behind the tall park trees, which already began to lose their colorful leaves.

i loved her, i really did.
but it's not like i am so depressingly sad that i want to commit suicide right away.
that's not how it is.
i am kind of used to this now. yeah, used to get my heart broken. how pathetic, right?

well, that's kind of what i am. all my life i never wanted the people around me to be sad and feel hurt because of me, that's why i built up this "nice boy" image. i always put the needs and desires of others before my own.

so, above all i am nice. positive. sweet. considerate. kind. a good friend.
these are the traits people define me with.
you may think those words are compliments, but if you think deeper, they have no bigger meaning.
to most people being just those things is boring.
that equals me having a boring personality.

but nobody ever looks behind the curtains.

nobody knows how much mental and emotional effort goes into that kind of performance.
and it can be a really tough performance on days when you are just not feeling it.

nobody sees that i'm clearly not always happy or in a good mood.
i get worried, i get sad, i get embarressed, i get kind of crazy, i can cry, i can break down.

nobody realizes that i'm struggeling.

i am never able to tell the truth about my own desires because i always feel like they are not important enough, people already have their own issues they have to deal with. so i am rather helping them than let them help me.

i turned around and started walking as i drowned in self pity. i didn't know where i was going, i just kept following the asphalted path, which already had thousands of small cracks and potholes.

it was pretty quiet, even though the park was somewhere in the center of seoul.

i only could hear the cars and the sounds of traffic in the distance, there aren't many people here anymore, because it was already 10pm.
Only a few couples were walking around, holding hands and enjoying each other's company.

i would be lying if i said that i wasn't at least a little bit jealous. i was in many relationships, but none of them lasted longer than two weeks.
i loved every girl that i dated. however, i never felt those magical sparks that you're supposed to feel when you touch each other or when you kiss.

my biggest wish is to find my significant other, my soulmate. a person who can understand me and loves me for the boy i am.

someone who holds me like i am the most precious thing they have ever seen and kisses me like there is no tomorrow.
someone who is willing to spend the rest of their life together with me.

most of all, someone who sees more in me than just a nice boy.

i honestly don't care if it's a boy or a girl, i am attracted to both. though i never had the chance to date a boy.

my mum always said that there's love for everyone in this world, and that i will find my true love when i least expect it.

i shook my head to free my mind from my depressing thoughts.
so i kept walking in the light of the lanterns, following the path i chose earlier.
i looked around and admired the beauty of the dark park.

after a while of non-stop walking my feet started to get tired, so i really wanted to sit down. strangely there weren't any benches. what kind of park of park is this that it has not a single fucking bench? seriously, i should submit a complaint to the city administration.

after ten kilometres (well, it obviously weren't ten kilometres, but at least it felt like it) i finally could see a single bench. but there was already somebody sitting on it.

[that's the scene in jungkook's view, pls just imagine a person sitting there]

i came nearer, now i was only about two metres away, and i could identify a boy. i could not really see his face, but he couldn't be much older than me.

he didn't seem to notice me, his head was directed to a small notebook on his lap.
the boy scribbled words on the pages, it's like he is in his own world and doesn't percieve anything that happens around him.

then i realized that i basically stared at a stranger.
but i couldn't help it, the way he just sat there and moved the pen in his hand had something magnetizing in it.

i really wanted to sit down, but wouldn't that be kind of strange if i just sat down next to him? i mean, even though he radiates this magical atmosphere, he still could be a serial killer or a psychopath.
or maybe he would think that i was a serial killer or psychopath.

i first wanted to tap him on his shoulder and ask him if i could sit next to him, but then i decided against it and just came nearer until i was directly in front of the bench and simply sat down.

as expected, the boy was obviously startled, because he twiched as soon as i let myself fall down on the bench.

he looked up from his little notebook and searched for eye contact.
this was the first time i really could see his face.
and god, he looks absolutely stunning.
a boy this pretty couldn't be a killer, impossible.

his dark eyes were literally sparkling under the light of the lantern.
i couldn't read the expression in his eyes, not at all.
he just looked at me with big, open eyes.

i thought that maybe he would say hi or something, but nothing came.
only silence until he turned his glance away from me and focused on his notebook again.

what a strange guy.

i looked on the ground and my feet really were thanking me for deciding to sit down.
tiredness started to fill every inch of my body and i felt like i couldn't move a single muscle anymore.

my eyes began to flicker, i had a tough time keeping them open.

but then, sometime my sleepiness won over my willpower to stay awake and i fell into a deep slumber.

...

[the time on the clocks doesn't mean anything, this pic is just my way of showing that time has passed in the story, so you will probably see this more often in my books]

...

birds were chirping as i slowly woke up. my eyes were blinded by the sunlight.

fuck. that was the first thing that was on my mind.
did i really fall asleep on a park bench?

first i looked to my left to see if the boy was still there. of course he wasn't. i wondered when he left.
then i looked down on my body and there was a jacket layed on it. but it wasn't mine.
was it possibly his? did he gave me his jacket to keep me warm?

i took a closer look at the jacket. yes, i'm pretty sure it was his.
i held it even closer to my face and smelled it.
i closed my eyes at how great it smelled.
it was heavenly.

then i realized again how creepy i am. when did i become so creepy? first staring at a stranger, then taking in the smell of his jacket?
what the fuck has gotten into me?

now... what about the jacket? i have to give it back! but there wasn't any note with his adress or phone number in it. the pockets also were empty.

i wanted to get up from the bench, but i noticed that there was something written on it.
what i read made my heart flutter.

and i instantly knew that i have to see him again.
but how?

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hi.
i'm sorry this update took a lot longer than i expected.
i just wasn't satisfied so i kept changing it. but now i'm okay with it.

it took me a while to find the right pictures, especially the park-bench-at-night one.
there wasn't any picture i liked with only one bench on it. because if there where more benches the story wouldn't make sense, obv.

so i took this picture and photoshopped this damn bench in the background away

well. yup.
while writing this i mostly listened to ulsanbawi.
pls check it out, it's so underated like wtf heechul's voice is everything

last but not least;
thank you guys so so much for reading, voting and commenting on this story! it really means much to me ^-^

see you soon i guess lol