A/N- Excuse the mistakes, I’ll go back and fix them later! WARNING: SOME FOUL LANGUAGE. Please read A/N at the bottom, thank you.

----> is the kanji I am talking about, you'll know what I mean when you get to the part ;)

“Cause when I'm down and I'm done,
And I'm coming unplugged
When I'm ready to fall
You're the one always holding me up
With love”- Christina Grimmie, With Love

|Shaylee Love|

I have known Xavier since our diaper days.

Granted, when we were babies I didn’t truly know him- we were just two toddlers who knew of each other and recognized that we were to play together every time our parent’s met.

But that changed, it changed when we were four… when I truly began to know the boy I would eventually grow to love.

……….

It was odd, seeing Xavier- and the rest of the boys- nervous like this. I couldn't recall a day when any of them showed any type of fear or anxiety; they were all always so headstrong and fearless. I hugged my legs closer to my chest and my one hand squeezed Xavier’s a little harder, the silence we had settled in was dragging on- no one knew where to start. I looked away from the three musketeers and turned towards Xavier. His eyes were cast down and he was biting his lip in nervousness, something we had in common. Oh Xavier, what was I going to do with you? This was meant to be a serious conversation but when he bit his lip like that… it made me feel slightly hot and bothered. I shook my head and bit my own lip, looking down at my knees, why was I thinking of this now? We have a conversation to begin. I cast one more look at Xavier and my eyes softened as our eyes connected- he looked so… apprehensive, there was only one time I remember seeing him like this and it was when we were at the age of four.

* * *

“Mama! Zaver and Conna commin’ ova?”

“Yes sweetie, Xavier and Connor will be over in a few minutes. Why don’t we change you into that new pretty blue dress we bought?”

“Okay!”

I remember that day, it was Trevor’s ninth birthday- he was so excited to have all his friends over and reminded me- quite rudely- that I was not allowed to come and bother them. I had started to cry because I thought that wasn't fair so my mom had bought me the prettiest blue dress to make it up to me and I loved it with all my heart, I was hoping Xavier and Connor (who would have been eleven at the time) liked it as well. It was one of my earliest memories of Xavier and it was a day I could never forget.

……

“Shaylee sweetie, The East’s are here!”

I remember grinning and setting my dolls down before quickly bounding down the stairs, attempting to take two at a time and almost falling at the last step. I grinned when I turned the corner and saw Connor taking his shoes off with his parents and Xavier coming through the door behind him. “Conna!” I had exclaimed as I jumped towards the older East brother. The eleven year old laughed and quickly caught me as I jumped towards him for a hug. Connor smiled and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek “Hey there Shay, how are you?” he asked after I kissed his cheek and setting me on my feet. I smiled “Good, do I look pretty? Momma bought me a new dress! It’s my favourite.” I exclaimed, beaming and wondering if he liked my dress. Connor laughed and nodded his head, crouching to my level “You look very beautiful Shaylee” he agreed. I grinned, a small blush appearing on my cheeks “Thank you!” I said as I hugged him one more time just as my brother popped his head into the room. “Connor! Come on!” he exclaimed before vanishing once again to the basement. I pouted as Connor stood up, he chuckled and ruffled my hair “I’ll be back to play with you later alright Shay? Why don’t you go say hi to Xavier for now?” he suggested before following my brother down the stairs. I pouted before turning towards Xavier who was already looking at me, I blushed and rung my tiny hands together.

“Hi Zaver” I greeted, approaching the boy handsome little boy.

“Hi” he muttered, sending me blinding smile before he took in my appearance.

I watched in amazement as Xavier bit his lip and a small blush came over his cheeks. He looked so edgy and I had never seen him like that before, it was a foreign feeling but I liked seeing him like that- it made me want to hug him… so I did.

Xavier was taken aback by my hug but before I knew it he was hugging me back, I pulled away and grinned toothily at him.

“You look pretty Shaybear” he whispered.

“Thank you” I beamed at his words and quickly kissed his cheek, just like I saw mommy do to daddy when he called her pretty. Quickly I grasped his hands and began to pull him to my room “Let’s play house!”

* * *

I smiled fondly at the memory, Xavier and I played house for the rest of the day; I was the mom and he was the dad while one of my dolls was our baby- he complained a few times but in the end he still played with me. I don’t know why I was thinking of this right now, but seeing Xavier like that just reminded me of how we were as kids and I knew that no matter what was said today… I knew that I would stick by him and the boy’s through it all.

I couldn’t let go of him… not when I just got him. I wouldn’t.

I released the breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding “You boys know that if you’re not ready to tell me about… your pasts’… I’m not going to push you. I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready; all I want to know right now is about this mess, why was I being threatened? And who the hell were those guys? Also, about this stupid, painful carving on the side of my hip which will probably be there for the rest of my life.” I said as I gestured to said mark and each boy flinched. I still haven’t had the courage to look at it, every time I went to change the bandages his voice would creep into my mind and I remembered every painful moment of that night and I just couldn’t bring myself to look at something so repulsive.

“Sorry baby doll but this is going to hurt a lot”

“…you have such nice skin”

“You look really hot like that”

“…the pretty lady deserves a pretty carving don’t you think?”

“Red is a beautiful colour on you…”

I shook my head and tried to clear my thoughts from those bastards. What’s done is done, and now I needed to focus on the boys and their problem. I could feel in every fibre of my body that whatever they were into was dangerous and probably something I couldn’t even imagine them being in. I understood that they were in a gang, but were they all still in it? I knew that Dominic would have to be since he was apparently their ‘leader’ but as I looked over at Sam… I just couldn’t see him being in a gang. What would have caused someone as sweet as him to be in a gang? My eyes turned to Xavier and he looked to be deep in thought. I bit my lip and my eyebrows crinkled together, Xavier in a gang was just as surprising… I never would have expected him to be in one- what could have caused him to join one? What could have caused all of them to be in one?

Dominic sighed and I looked over at him “Dom?” I questioned, he gave me a strained smile. “Well the first thing you should know is that I have an older brother, he was the leader before I took over.” He stated. My eyes widened in shock- Dominic had an older brother? That one I definitely didn’t see coming. I’ve been to his house and the only ones who live there are him and his sweet as chocolate mother. “A… brother? Why haven’t I seen him before?” I questioned, a bit of hurt lacing with my words. Dominic was one of my best friends, why hadn’t he told me about his brother? Dominic sighed and rubbed a hand down the side of his face “Yeah, his name was Damon and the only reason you don’t know him is because he died the year before we became friends” he muttered.

My eyes widened and I brought a hand up to cup my mouth in shock. His brother was dead… and I didn’t know? I felt my heart fall to the pit of my stomach, I can’t imagine what Dominic went through but I did understand it to some extent- if I lost Trevor I don’t know what I’d do. “Oh Dom, I’m so sorry” I said, not knowing what else to do, I quickly stood up and gave him a huge hug. I felt Dominic’s arms wrap around me as he returned my hug and crushed me to his chest. He didn’t say anything but I could feel the sadness and sorrow that radiated from his entire being. I wish I could have done more, I wish he would have told me. So I just let him hug me, giving him the only comfort I knew he needed. Dominic squeezed me hard one more time “Thanks Squirt” he muttered and I nodded my head, wiping a couple of my tears on his shirt.

I cracked a small grin “Must you insist on calling me that?” I muttered, gaining the small smile from Dominic I was looking for.

“Damon didn’t make the best decisions but he was the greatest brother anyone could ever ask for.” Dominic said. “When he was our age he started a gang- Bloody Dragons- nothing serious just a couple of guys acting like idiots and getting in trouble around the town.” He began; I kept my full attention on him- not wanting to miss anything. “Soon though, they began to get into drug deals and other…arrangements that I won’t get into, but things escalated into the Bloody Dragons becoming a real gang and the next think I know I found my house full of hidden guns, daggers, drugs and other weapons. I was ten at the time and I remember how scared I had been when I found a gun under my bed. Immediately I brought it to Damon and he just gave me the excuse of ‘just in case’. I used to ask in case of what but he never answered just patted my head and distracted me with hanging out.” Dominic smiled and I knew he was remembering a memory of him and his brother.

“But anyway, what you wanted to know- the people you saw today are known as the Poison Skulls, their leader is that idiot Troy Rivera.” Dominic spat out his name as if it left a vile taste in his mouth. “They kill for the sheer pleasure of it.” My eyes widened, they actually killed people? “If someone does something they don’t like- the Skulls won’t hesitate to take them out or leave them with a… unpleasant present” Ryder added, grimacing as his eyes traveled to my waist and immediately my hand went to my hip. Something like a carving…

“What… what does the mark they left on me mean?” I questioned, slightly apprehensively- I’m not going to lie, I was nervous.

“It doesn’t have a real meaning, well I shouldn’t say that- it was more of a warning” Xavier said, making me turn to look at him. “What do you mean?” I asked him softly- so I was… cut up for absolutely nothing? Xavier’s brows were pulled together tightly and his jaw was clenched “It’s a target symbol, I know you haven’t looked at it yet and it’s probably best that you don’t until it is fully healed” he continued. His hand clutched mine, he was squeezing it quite tightly but I didn’t mind- I knew he needed to hold onto something as he explained. “It’s a Japanese symbol, a kanji, for the wordbeauty. It’s how the gangs mark each other; different symbols have different meanings and in this case, he wanted to taunt to me” Xavier said. I gave him a questioning look, I didn’t really understand what he meant. Xavier read my expression “How can I explain this… In Pirates of the Caribbean; remember when Jack had a P branded onto his arm? So everybody would know he was a Pirate” I nodded my head in remembrance “I see, so what exactly does this” I gestured to my hip “Mark me as?” I asked.

Sam sighed “I don’t think we need to-” he started but Dominic quickly cut him off. “We can’t protect her properly if she doesn’t know” he reminded him. Sam stared Dominic for a moment, a hard look in his eyes. I began to grow angry, I was sick of this shit. “What the hell you two, Sam I know you want to protect me but keeping me in the dark can only harm rather than help!” I exclaimed. Sam glanced at me with a crestfallen expression before looking back at Dominic. They had a small stare down but Dominic seemed to be winning with his features sett into a hardline- I could see Sam beginning to break down as his eye twitched. “Fine” he grumbled before turning back to Xavier and me.

“Thank you” I muttered.

Xavier sighed “It marks you as prey, as someone that should be taken out. If another gang sees you with that mark, they would feel obligated to end you” he explained. My eyes widened and I felt a cold chill go down my back “End me?” I repeated in a soft voice. Well it looks I’m going to be dressing like Amy Farrah Fowler; I needed to stay covered up. If the mark was seen; they would kill me. I literally had a mark on me that said kill me. “Oh my god” I whispered, “How… how many people are in… in the Poison Skulls?” I questioned. The boys shared a look “I’m not going to lie to you, the Skulls are… pretty big” Ryder started. “How many?” I repeated, I needed to know… “A couple hundred” Sam answered. I blanched, a couple hundred? That meant that a couple hundred gang members knew to kill me if they saw me… that included all those people at the library and not to mention Jack and Chris.

A shiver went down my spine as I thought of the two, I wasn’t afraid to admit that I was scared shitless.

“What I don’t understand is why he used the word beauty, usually words like target or prey are used…” Sam mused.

“So… what do we do now?” I questioned, trying to keep a brave face.

Xavier sighed “Now, we take precautions” he said. I bit my lip “What kind of precautions?” I questioned. “Well for one, if you go anywhere you need to tell someone” Dominic started. The boys nodded their heads “It would probably be good if she had a member with her at all times” Ryder mused. Xavier ran his fingers through his dark hair, messing up the locks in the best way. “It’s a start, she should also get her self-defense lessons upgraded” Sam added. “I’ll do it” Xavier offered. My brow furrowed “Do I get a say in this?” I questioned. I understood that they wanted to protect me but having someone with me at all times seemed ridiculous, everybody has a life and I don’t need them stopping theirs just to save mine. Plus I had lessons just last year. Did I want to die? No, but I doubt that the Skulls were going to attack me. Besides, it’s only if they see the mark. As long as I keep it hidden under my clothes I should be fine but as I voice my thoughts the boys seemed to disagree.

“Sorry Princess but it doesn’t work like that” Xavier started. “What do you mean?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. “Rivera is the leader of the Skulls, if he knows who you are- everybody will know who you are. It doesn’t matter if you cover up that mark or not, the skulls know what you look like and who you are- you’re an easy target” he told me. I scoffed and pushed his arms away “I’m not an easy target Xavier. If push comes to shove I will use self-defense” I said. Xavier rose a brow at me “You know self-defense?” he questioned. I nodded my head, “Well where was this ‘self-defense’ when you were attacked by Jack and Chris?” he questioned. I bit my lip, “There were two big muscled guys and me, I was bound by rope- what the hell was I supposed to do? Whip out some kick ass ninja moves? I’m not Jackie Chan” I said. Xavier sighed “That’s exactly it, you may know self-defense but these guys know how to play dirty and they will do whatever they have to, to finish the job” he said, exasperation ringing clear in his voice.

“So what? Do you expect me to just wait around for one of you to save me? Am I supposed to be a sitting duck? No matter how hard you try I am not going to always be with a big muscled gang member. I am not Bella Swan Xavier, I am not useless like I used to be. I am able to make my own choices and I know you want to protect me but you can’t push what you want onto me.” I stated. “No, you know that’s not what I meant” Xavier tried to explain but I shook my head. “I know what you meant Xavier” I said as I cut him off, my expression turning to one of irritation. I used to be so helpless, it’s a sensitive subject for me because I never want to feel like that again and when Xavier and the boys spoke about me like I wasn’t in the room; it definitely made me feel that way.

“Shaylee…” Sam murmured.

I clenched my fists, I felt like I was useless and I didn’t want that… not again. I would not be another person’s plaything, I knew I could be stronger than that. “Then teach me” I finally said. The boys looked over at me “Xavier will improve your skills Shay” Ryder reminded me. I nodded my head “I realize that, I meant teach me how to think like a gang member.” I explained. Xavier raised a brow “How to think like a gang member?” he questioned. I nodded my head “That’s what I said” I confirmed “If a gang is going to be after me then I need to know how they think so I can be ready” I said. The boys grinned at me “You know, that might actually be a good idea…” Dominic mused. “Xavier, you know how Rivera thinks; you can teach her the basics” Sam said. Xavier nodded and winked at me “That’s my girl, always using her nerd brain” he teased. I rolled my eyes at Xavier but grinned “Ready to be my teacher’s boys?” I questioned.

“Well I know I’m ready to teach you everything you need to know” Ryder teased with a suggestive smirk. I laughed and threw a couch pillow at him “Ryder!” I shouted, he laughed. “Sorry” he said not sounding the least bit apologetic. “Hey, that’s my job” Xavier butted in as he playfully glared at Ryder. I blushed deeply and threw a pillow at my perverted boyfriend “Shut up!” I cried as they laughed at me. “Sorry Shay, we couldn’t help ourselves” Ryder said, a cheeky grin on his face. I rolled my eyes “I’m sure” I grumbled “But back to the matter at hand, I want to know something” I started. Xavier nodded his head “Shoot princess.” “Why was I given this warning and what does Rivera wants from you” I said, getting to the point right away.

That made the boys freeze for a moment.

“I think… that is something Xavier needs to tell you himself” Sam murmured as he began to stand from the couch. Ryder and Dominic followed his lead “We’ll be back” Dominic promised, I nodded as I stood to give each of them a hug. “Alright, I’ll see you guys tomorrow then- alright?” I questioned. The three musketeers nodded “Of course squirt” Ryder confirmed. “Bye Shay” Sam waved before the three exited the living room and a moment later I heard the front door close.

Xavier and I were quiet for a moment. “Come here Shay” Xavier murmured, patting the place on his lap. I bit my lip apprehensively for a moment before standing up and moving to where Xavier was. I straddled his lap, I was surprised there was enough room for me to do that since we were on the single couch. I wrapped my arms around his neck as I curled into his chest. In turn Xavier wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer “I need you to understand something Shay.” Xavier murmured. I nodded my head as I stared into his emerald eyes, I didn’t want to say anything in fear of breaking the moment and him deciding not to tell me. He let out a breath and the warm air hit my face, it smelled strongly of mint. I could still see the apprehension in his eyes and this made me feel… frustrated. “Xavier, after all we’ve been through, why are you still hesitant about telling me? I’m involved in this now and there’s nothing you can do about it! Why won’t you just tell me about it?! Keeping me in the dark is so much worse, am I that untrustworthy to you?” I questioned, tears pricking at my eyes and blurred my vision.

Xavier quickly cupped my face and shook his head “No baby no, I trust you with everything in me- believe me, there is no one I trust more than you.” He said.

I sighed “Then why the apprehension?”

Xavier was silent for a moment. I sighed and made a move to stand up, if he didn’t want to tell me then fine. I was beginning to get tired of this.

“I’m afraid” he finally admitted.

My eyes widened afraid? “Of what?” I questioned. Xavier sighed and placed his hands back on my waist and brought me back down so he could press his face into my neck. He laid a soft kiss on the junction between my neck and shoulder, his lips were warm and soft as they touched my skin. “As cliché as it is, I’m afraid of what you will think of me after you hear… everything” he whispered. His lips brushed my skin after each word and I shivered at the contact but I wouldn’t get distracted. Instead I pulled Xavier back and brought him so we were face to face again.

“Tell me” I insisted before pressing a small reassuring kiss on his lips.

Xavier sighed “When you left for therapy, I became a mess” he started. I winced at that; therapy wasn’t something I really wanted to remember- granted I was immensely grateful for it but it was still a sensitive subject. But what did this have to do with what I wanted to know? “Why?” I asked. Xavier sighed and pressed his forehead against mine “I blamed myself for what you went through- I still do” he admitted. What? He blamed himself? “When I saw you sitting in your room, staring at those pills like they were the solution to your problems…” he paused for a moment and closed his eyes; his breathing becoming ragged. My own heart was beginning to beat quickly and it felt like I would have a heart attack any minute now. “You have no idea how… scared I was” he said. “Scared?” I repeated. Xavier nodded as his arms tightened around my waist “What if I came a moment too late and I lost you? I couldn’t live with myself knowing it was because of me- I pushed you too much and you almost ended your life” He explained, Xavier sounded so distraught that I didn’t know whether I should comfort or stay still.

As much as I wanted to go with the former, I decided that the latter would be a better choice; I didn’t want to distract him.

“I was an asshole in elementary school, I still am, but Shay as much as I hate to say it… I couldn’t tell you why I acted like that. I was young and stupid, I cared about fitting in more than I should have. But you have to know that I am so incredibly sorry” he apologized, a fire in his emerald orbs. I smiled slightly and felt something wet fall down my cheeks. When did I start crying? “Xavier you know I forgive you” I murmured. “I’m lucky that you do, I’m lucky that you even let me back into your life” he said, as he brought his head slightly away from mine. “You are lucky, I had fully intended on letting myself hate you- give you hell but…” I paused and lightly grabbed his face in my hands. “You managed to charm your way back into my heart” I said. I sighed; I forgave him but there was something I needed to know before I could put my entire trust in him. The question I wanted to ask had been burning the back of my mind for a while. “Xavier, there’s one thing I need to know before I can fully forgive you” I whispered. Xavier nodded his head “You know you can ask me anything” he said as he brought one hand up to cup my face.

“I need to know why” I paused for a moment to take a deep breath “Why did you stop writing to me?” I asked in a small voice. Xavier’s brow furrowed in confusion for a moment until the recognition of what I was talking about sparked in his eyes. I swallowed my tears and continued “In the beginning I felt so happy knowing that we were patching up our relationship. But then…” I shook my head and looked at Xavier with tear filled eyes “I wrote to you for months and I never got one response back” I said. Beginning to feel the anger that I had once felt when I was in therapy “You promised me that you would stay by my side- that you would change” I could hear my voice beginning to rise as I began to speak. “Shay-” I cut Xavier off and stood from his lap. “No, this time I need you to listen” I said. “Do you know how heartbroken I felt after I came home and found out you moved? You broke your promise to me” I said clenching my fists. This was something that I needed to get out before we continued.

His expression looked pained as he looked at me.

He looked exactly how I felt and I couldn’t help but wonder why our talk turned into… this.

“You left me in more ways than one; physically, emotionally… in every way that a person can be left Xavier. I was so pissed off at you, I even considered burning our friendship bracelet and I almost did, but eventually that anger turned into sorrow and once again I felt like… I felt like I wasn’t worth it.” I admitted. “I felt like you had played me again and I was left as the fool. But because of the boys and Avery I was able to move on.” I told him. I wiped the tears from my cheeks with my sleeves “I thought that the Xavier East chapter of my life was over and a clean one would begin- and as far as I was concerned... it did.” He winced at that but I wouldn’t apologize. “Then you came back and I didn’t know what to do with myself.” I laughed at the irony, but there was no emotion in my tone. “In the beginning I pretended like nothing was wrong, I didn’t want you to know how much you affected me.” I said, feeling my nails dig deeper into my palms. “Shay…” Xavier trailed off but I shook my head “Please just be quiet for a minute” I demanded. Xavier nodded and I carried on “It pained me to see you again, you were so happy and I honestly thought that you didn’t care about what had happened since you acted so… carefree” I murmured, my voice becoming quieter as I remembered. I closed my eyes “But… but when you came back, yes you were still an arrogant asshole but you were a changed arrogant asshole.” I told him.

Xavier’s lips twitched upwards.

It was true; I could see the changes in his personality during the first few days we were together. “You were sweeter to me, flirter and although you still prank me- they aren’t as hurtful as before and you protected me from the people who used to make fun of me. I like to think that you became my personal superhero.” I said; he cracked a grin at that and stood so he could kiss my brow. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way Shay, that wasn’t my intention” he said as he wrapped his arms around me. I rested my head against his chest and listened to his heart beat in his chest. “I know” I murmured as I tangled my hands into his shirt. “Shay I…” Xavier trailed off. “Do I get your explanation now?” I questioned. He nodded and kissed my head before untangling me until the only thing he was holding was my hand.

“Follow me” Xavier said as he led me out of the house.

* * * * * *

Holy crap, this chapter is finally done and to be 100% honest… I absolutely love it.
What do you guys think?

Next chapter will be exciting, well I think so at least!

So here’s my explanation as to why this chapter is out so late; my laptop broke at the beginning of summer and I have not had a laptop to type on for the past month. All my information was on there, including this chapter, and I had no way of getting it back until it was fixed. Unfortunately for me my laptop was not able to get fixed because it was a discontinued type and getting the part was hard. I was going to send my laptop out to be repaired but it’s not worth the money so now I need to aquire a new one. Fortunately I was able to recover my work and now I have it all on a USB stick so I finished this as fast as I could.

I am so sorry for making you wait so long! I really didn’t want to restart this chapter because I loved what I had written, now that I have my info back all I need to do is steal my mom’s laptop more often and updates should be coming more smoothly… well after Monday they will. Tomorrow I will be on my way to New York for a family trip on a tour bus! I’ll be back on Monday so I will be typing all day to get the next one done.

Thank you so much for all the support you guys have given me, I couldn’t be more grateful and I appreciate how patient you all have been! Thank you so much for everything and I will see you next update!

Comment? Vote? Follow? Please?

xoxo- Shar