- Chapter 150 - Letters -
Warnings: lots of mentions of abusive and neglectful parents, high anxiety and such
Modern and Soulmate AU
Third Person POV

A/N: Not how I imagined my 150th chapter, but you know, at least I was able to write something other than chapters for stories that aren't even out yet haha. Also, this book is almost at 100k reads, so yay!!! I hope y'all enjoy this haha

"I can't."

"You can!"

"Nuh uh." Race shook his head, pushing back against the wall as if that would help him dissolve into it. "You cannot make me."

"Racer," Jack sighed, "just read the damn letter."

"Come on, Race," Crutchie said after the blond shook his head. He was sat on the bed due to his leg hurting him, and his crutches were laying beside him. "What bad can come of it?"

"Oh, I don't know. Whoever sent it being mad that their soulmate hasn't responded for SIXTEEN YEARS?!" Race exhaled, his eyes wide.

"I'm sure they'll just be happy that you responded now," Crutchie thought optimistically.

"Nuh uh. Can't do it. I'm not strong enough." Race shook his head vigorously.

Jack sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. "You survived a childhood of abuse; this is nothing."

"I already knew my father didn't love me, Jack," Race responded. "Rejection from my soulmate will hurt much worse than any pain he carved into my skin."

His foster brothers just stared at him, pity in their eyes.

It was suffocating.

It always was.

Race had grown to know said suffocating feeling. It seemed to follow him, wherever he went, and no matter who he was with.

Just pity. That's all they felt for him.

He was sure Jack and Crutchie weren't trying to pity him. After all, they knew the feelings he felt all too well.

But at least Jack and Crutchie had been able to sneak their letters away and respond to their soulmates.

They'd gotten help.

They hadn't been alone.

Race had been alone for a decade.

He was used to it.

His father had taken his first letter he'd received at age 6 and ripped it up. He'd continued to do so every year after.

He'd always be angry.

"Soulmates are CURSES!"

"Your soulmate will just leave you, Antonio. They don't care about you."

"If I find out you EVER responded to them, I will make you regret it more than they will."

Race flinched as his father's voice rang through his ears.

He trusted Jack and Crutchie.

He knew they had his best interest at heart.

But he wasn't strong enough for this.

He couldn't do it.

"I can't," the curly-haired boy whispered, clinging to the wall like a cat to a curtain as it tried not to fall to an impending doom. "I can't do it."

Jack stared at the shaking boy. He was unsure of how to help anymore.

For him and Crutchie, their soulmates' letters has been a source of hope.

For Race, his soulmate's letters had been a source of torture.

Jack grabbed the letter and threw it into the hallway. "It's gone. It's out there, and it cannot hurt you." He watched Race, before mumbling, "he cannot hurt you."

Race relaxed a bit, no longer trying to disappear. He took a deep breath, his eyes flicking between the two boys. "I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay." Crutchie's warm smile was back, and Race felt like the world was okay. "You can't today. That's okay. And it's okay to have moments where you feel weak. You just have to remember you're strong, and you have survived so much. You've made it through today, and you will make it through tomorrow."

Race wasn't sure how Crutchie was so reassuring. He'd been in this house for five months now, and could never get over the fact that the boy had so easily broken down walls he'd taken years to construct.

He was just magic.

And he had a magical smile to go with the words he knew how to say as if he'd practiced for years to be so comforting.

Race nodded slowly and slowly pushed off of the wall. His legs felt shaky and his chest hurt. He hadn't even noticed how he'd been hyperventilating until he'd realized how much it hurt.

Jack watched the boy put a hand over his heart and frowned.

He just wished he could help.

Jack looked at Crutchie and nodded to him. He quietly left the room and shut the door behind him.

Crutchie turned back to Race, noticing how he was holding his chest and watching the door to see if the oldest would come back.

"Come here," Crutchie mumbled, adjusting the blankets and patting the spot next to him.

Race took a few shaky steps over to the bed, narrowly avoiding the desk as he almost slammed into it. When he was close enough, he sat down next to Crutchie.

There they stayed for a moment, before Race felt an arm wrap around his shoulders.

An involuntary flinch shook him and he wanted to apologize, but was stopped by Crutchie laying him down with his head in the older boy's lap, and he started playing with his hair.

And the world felt okay again.

~~

"He can't."

"What do you mean "he can't"?"

"He can't even bring himself to look at the letter." Jack sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "He can't read the last name Higgins, can't handle knowing that it's been ten years of him receiving letters and he's never responded, and can't handle the idea of a soulmate being good to him." He stopped pacing when he was finished and stared at her.

Medda fell silent. She was sitting at her desk when her eldest adoptive son had walked in. She sighed and rubbed the temples of her forehead. "We went through this..." she mumbled.

Jack raised an eyebrow at her.

"Who was it?" Medda pondered aloud. She'd been in this scenario before; she knew she had. But with who? "Who was it?"

"Who was what?"

Jack didn't get a response for a moment.

Then, Medda perked up. "Mush. It was Mush. He'd been abandoned so much that he was terrified his soulmate would abandon him again and he refused to read the letters for two years."

Jack suddenly remembered this information. "Oh yeah."

"Mush is with Denton now, isn't he? That's who adopted him after he left our care, right?" Medda asked.

Jack nodded. "And he lives with his soulmate now."

Medda grinned. "We'll ask Antonio if he wants to talk to him. No timeline or limit; he can take his time," she decided. "If Mush agrees and is okay sharing, and if Antonio does talk to him, he'll see that others have experienced being scared of reading the letters and he can hear the soulmate's side too."

Jack smiled as he listened. "I think we have a plan."

Medda smiled.

~~

Three weeks.

It was three weeks before Race was ready to talk about it.

And there he was.

Sat at a table with Mush and Blink.

They looked happy.

That was the first thing he noticed.

They were holding hands and had moved their chairs as close to each other as they could.

Race was still nervous. Downright terrified.

The letter was a looming storm cloud that had turned his sunny days dark for weeks, and there it laid, at the edge of the table.

But Crutchie was with him.

He and Jack had been with him.

And Crutchie was still there; he hadn't left him. He was sitting next to him, with more support for him than Race could process.

It almost brought him to tears.

"Race," Crutchie started softly, snapping him out of his thoughts, "you know Blink and Mush."

Race nodded slightly. Sure, he knew them vaguely.

They'd been around the house before. They were in Jack and Crutchie's friend group too.

"We wanted to talk a bit about soulmates and the letters," Crutchie explained gently. He was holding Race's hand.

Race's eyes flicked over to Blink and Mush.

Mush seemed to notice this. "I know you gave Jack permission to tell me a bit about your past. He didn't tell me a lot, but from what I gather, we had very similar upbringings," he started.

Race swallowed. He hated talking about his past.

"Well..." Mush swallowed and squeezed Blink's hand, smiling slightly when the boy squeezed back. "My parents neglected me... they didn't love me, and uh... every time I'd get a letter from my soulmate, they'd rip it up."

Race, who had been staring at the table, lifted his eyes and looked at him.

Mush smiled slightly, trying to not concern him. "The first time they took it and ripped it up, I was so upset and I asked if they'd replace it. They laughed in my face and told me my soulmate would never love me." Mush took a deep breath when he felt Blink squeeze his hand again. "They told me after a few years to give up because my soulmate would be mad I hadn't responded, so I did..."

Race's eyes flicked over to Blink.

He seemed so nice.

Was he mad?

Surely, he would've been.

"I didn't meet Blink until two years after I came to Medda's, and they finally convinced me to open one of the letters." Mush smiled a bit as he remembered the moment he read the letter. "And I cried SO hard. Jack's shirt got a bit soaked."

Race wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry for him.

"He wasn't mad at me, and that was SO relieving."

"He- he wasn't?" Race stammered, a bit shocked. He looked over at Blink again.

Mush did the same, a smile on his face.

Blink smiled back at him. "Not for one moment."

Race was struggling to understand. "But- but how? Why weren't you? You- you should've been mad," he whispered nervously, starting to shake again. "Mine is going to be mad. That's what he said."

"I was worried," Blink explained, snapping Race out of his concerns. "No kid should have soulmates painted as bad things, especially not from such a young age. Soulmates are made for each other, and no matter what happens, they will be there," he told Race. "I was worried for my soulmate. For seven years, I didn't receive anything from him. For seven years, I worried and worried, wondering if he was okay. I'm sure yours is feeling the same way."

Concern, Race thought to himself. He was concerned.

Maybe mine is concerned?

Race looked at the letter at the end of the table and bit his lip.

He couldn't.

He physically felt like he couldn't.

He wanted to. He desperately wanted to, for the first time since he was six.

Before he was beaten down with cruel words and tales, and even with fists.

But he couldn't do it.

He couldn't bare to.

Crutchie watched him. "Do you want me to open it for you?" he asked softly.

Blink and Mush watched him as well.

Race's hands were shaking violently as he drummed his fingers against the table. He opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn't get the words out.

Crutchie saw the mental battle in his head. "Here," he whispered as he grabbed the letter, "I'm going to take it out of the envelope and put it in front of you. You can take it, you can leave it, the choice is in your hands. It's not up to him, it's not up to us; its up to you. You have control."

Race watched speechless as the boy did what he said he was going to and the letter was laid on the envelope in front of him, folded neatly, yet with some of the pen ink stained seeped through to the back of the paper.

They stayed that way for the better part of twenty minutes.

Race had almost broken down when he realized how long it had been.

But they were patient.

They didn't rush him or scream when he took too long.

Maybe it would be okay?

Race contemplated this idea for a moment, then slowly reached out. He made eye contact with Crutchie as he did so, and saw the bright and hopeful look in his eyes.

And suddenly, the future looked so much brighter for Race.

Race shakily grabbed the letter and brought it over to himself.

He couldn't believe it was in his hands.

He hadn't held one of these letters in ten years.

The boy took a deep breath and opened the letter.

~~

Race stared at the phone in his hands.

It was Jack's since Medda hadn't gotten him a phone yet.

And on the phone was a new chat.

With a new number.

With a new person on the other side.

Race's soulmate.

Who was concerned.

He wasn't angry.

At least, Race didn't think so after Crutchie assured him for ten minutes that there wasn't some secret code hidden in the letter that meant his soulmate was angry and that he really wasn't angry.

And all Race had to do to talk to him was text.

He was a text away.

"I don't know what to say," he whispered.

Race was sat on a beanbag in the living room now.

Crutchie, Blink, and Mush were all sat on the couch, and Jack was sat on the ottoman in front of Race.

"How about "hi"?" Jack chuckled lightly.

Race shook his head. "I can't start with "hi". It's been ten years. He's gonna think I'm an idiot for starting with "hi"," he rambled nervously, not looking up from the phone. "I should probably apologize to him. I didn't mean to worry him. I don't want him to get angry with-"

"Racer." One word out of Crutchie's mouth quieted the boy. "You do not need to explain yourself to him until you're comfortable. Many people choose to not talk to their soulmate for a few years because they simply aren't ready, and that's okay. You had circumstances that he will understand when he finds out about them, but for now, he will just be happy to hear from you," he assured him.

Race's eyes flicked nervously back to Jack's. "I can't do this."

Jack gestured for him to take a breath. "You can."

Race shook his head violently. "I can't." His hand shook and he handed the phone back to him. "I- I don't know what to do."

"Here." Jack typed out "hi" and turned the phone back towards Race. "Now, all you have to do is send it. Take as much time as you need."

Race looked between Jack and the phone for a moment. There were a million thoughts flying through his head.

But he wanted to.

He wanted to reach out.

Out of nowhere, Race abruptly reached out and sent the message, before squeezing his eyes shut and hiding under the blanket.

Jack chuckled. "There. The hardest step is over," he told him. "I'm proud of you."

"You must think I'm pathetic," Race mumbled under the blanket.

Jack sighed. "We need to get your ears checked."

Race pouted. "Mean. We do not."

"Yes, we do," Jack responded. "I just told you I'm proud of you and you said I must think you're pathetic."

Race pursed his lips, uncovering his head for a moment. "I have anxiety?"

"Yes. Yes, you do." Jack looked at his phone when it dinged.

Race's eyes widened.

Jack opened the message and turned it to Race.

Antonio?

Race swallowed hard and nodded. "He knows it's me," he whispered.

Jack smiled. "Yes, he does." He let it sink it for a few moments, before speaking again. "What do you want to say?"

"That it's me," Race mumbled after a moment of thought.

Jack nodded and typed the message out. Just like before, he turned the phone back to Race when he was finished.

And with much less hesitation, Race sent the message.

It was barely a minute later when a response came through.

Jack smiled when he read it and turned the phone to Race again.

I'm so happy you responded. I've been waiting for you.

2748 Words
I know my last chapter was Sprace haha, but I had an idea and finally the time and motivation to write, so I ran with it haha. I hope y'all enjoyed it and if you have any requests or ideas, lmk!