It's like I'm invisible.

I have all these great things yet they slip away all too fast . And I've thought many times on ways to get out .

I could use all the money I've been saving since I was 12 and run away . Take my car and leave . Far far away .

Or I could end it .

There's tons of ways how .... Movies show it ! I know what I'm doing mom ! I know!

I know that if I take one too many pills and swallow them whole you'll never see my eyes open again. And that the sweet mixture of chemicals will trap my body and blood and make me go to sleep forever .

I also know that if I take that knife you use for cutting meat and slash it across my wrists a scarlet colored liquid would come out and surround the floor around me .

I know you have a gun in your drawer . I could take it and take my brains and make it more than one.

You think that I don't know the ways I could get out . I've thought about them many times and it's the very thing I tell my therapist every other Thursday, at 2:30, when I should be in math class .

I ask her if she'll tell you anything and she replies with "doctor / patient confidentiality " and I nods as I stay quite for a minute .

She says things like "how's school " and "how's your boyfriend " and I reply with "fine"

It's not until she asks me about the things I've been through that trigger the tears .

Like when I was only 5 years old and was kidnapped . When I spent almost a week with out my mommy .

Or when my mom and dad got divorced. And how that I'm not the fault even though that didn't make sense to me .

Or how we had a horrible fire and I saw my own cousin who was my best friend die right in front of me . She yelled at me , screaming and told me to leave but I couldn't do that .

Or how when I was in middle school this group of girls played a horrible Aprils Fools Joke which landed me locked in the girls bathroom as they shouted at me yelling at me . Making names .

Or how the year after I saw my ex-boyfriend kiss another girl as a joke and three weeks later he told me she was pregnant.... And I no longer mattered .

The only thing that keeps me from grabbing that life ender is music and my writings .

My writing means everything to me .... And I know that it makes my internet friends happy . Which makes me happy .

And my music ! My voice has grown so much ....

So all I'm saying that my depression and anxiety don't control me anymore . Nothing does .... Expect my Teen Angst ...

No longer the weak one ,
Cruthie M.

~ may or may not be based off of real life events ~